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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want DP to ask for a DNA test for his DC?

206 replies

SashaFierce99 · 19/02/2016 00:18

DP had three DC when we met who are now aged 10 and DTS aged 8. His wife was unfaithful multiple times throughout their marriage; she has admitted this openly. The children look nothing like DP, each other or our DC together. He hasn't seen them regularly for several years because his ex moves around and refuses to tell him where etc.

Yet he is still paying over £500 p/m maintenance for them. Obviously this would be the right thing to do if they were biologically his or even if he just had a relationship with them, but he has admitted he isn't sure at all that they are actually his and realistically we can't afford to keep applying to the court to find out where the DC are while also paying so much maintenance.

Aibu to think he should ask for a DNA test in these circumstances?

OP posts:
cannotlogin · 19/02/2016 09:32

Please be aware of the difference between relatively cheap DNA testing kits and the testing that would need to be done to be accepted by the courts and CSA. There is a huge difference and if you open the can of worms you will need to see it through - potentially at great emotional cost to all involved.

I was forced into agreeing to DNA testing by my unfaithful ex and the OW. I will never forgive my ex and it has had a massive impact on our relationship going forward. Long story short is that he didn't go through with it in the end - I suspect 'cos of the cost - but I live in fear of it raising it's head in the future. I have nothing to feR but Jesus wept, the damage the mere suggestion could do to all of us is truly terrifying.

cannotlogin · 19/02/2016 09:33

Fear

alltouchedout · 19/02/2016 09:43

I wouldn't stop loving my dcs if I found out there had been a mix up (impossible for ds2&3 who were born at home and really also impossible for ds1 who was never out of my sight in hospital except for when dh was there, but still). I'd still be their mum. If your do found out he wasn't biologically related to his dcs would all his love just disappear? Really?
I look nothing like ds1. There is nothing that would lead you to think I was related to him and yet I certainly am. DH looks nothing like ds2 but is definitely his father in every way.
Try and get contact sorted through the courts. Forget the dna test. To suddenly stop taking financial and emotional responsibility for the dcs if they were discovered to be genetically unrelated to him would be a vile move on your dps part. The dcs don't deserve that.

wannaBe · 19/02/2016 09:43

I think that it's very easy to sit there and state that "the children have a right to know/the father shouldn't be paying for children that aren't his/the children look nothing like him/the mother is making it difficult to see them therefore DNA test is in order...." What happens if for instance the one child is his and the twins aren't. Or if the twins are his and the other one isn't. Do people really advocate him cutting off a relationship with the one child and only supporting the ones that are his? Really?

And the reality is that if all these children are his then the mother will have legitimate reason to say to her children that their dad tried to prove he wasn't their dad so he could cut off his relationship with them. Bearing in mind this is allegedly a mother who already tells her children that their dad doesn't want to see them. Nothing like a DNA test to prove her point is there?

Personally I don't subscribe to this view that the children "have a right to know," well I do in so much as that if the truth is known then they have a right to know, but I think that the "have a right to know" argument is used all too often in order for adults to carry out their own agendas in being able to claim/deny their own responsibilities. It seems more acceptable to say that "I'm having a DNA test because I feel my children have a right to know if they actually have a different biological father," rather than to say "I'm having a DNA test because if these children aren't mine then I have every justification in not paying towards their upkeep and being able to skip off into the sunset leaving the children behind me. They're not mine after all, despite the past ten years spent bringing them up..."

blindsider · 19/02/2016 09:49

purpledaisies

blindsider if you use hair for DNA it has to have to root attached. I'm notsure you could manage to get a sample without the kid

noticing. Mosthome tests seem to be cheek swabs.

Well you live and learn. I may need to put Columbo's PI agency launch back a few weeks :-(

Frankly I reckon you could bamboozle an 8 year old to give a cheek swab without them having a clue what was going on.

hollyisalovelyname · 19/02/2016 09:52

OP are the children not in school- why do you 'have to keep chasing them around' to find out where they are ?

Wardy1993 · 19/02/2016 09:55

Op YABU. you do sound like the bitchy step mother who wants rid of the old kids so you and dp can start again without them, as if they are some sort of inconvenience. I'm afraid none of this is up to you, it's up to your dp and his ex. Think about the children instead of yourself.

Wardy1993 · 19/02/2016 09:59

If the man is so convinced they aren't his, why didn't he do this years ago? He sounds like a fucking moron trying to wriggle out of paying.

Marcipex · 19/02/2016 10:00

I feel for these kids, but honestly, I'd want to know too.
I don't think YABU.

MissterBean · 19/02/2016 10:02

The way it has been written, it does sound a little bit like OP is resentful of her partner's children and wants rid. If the ex was so open about being unfaithful, and your partner has always felt they were not his children, why wouldn't he have insisted on a DNA test from the start?

I can't see a man who has been 'chasing' after 3 kids, and paying 500 pcm for years suddenly having doubts now, unless there is an ulterior motive...probably yours OP.

whattodowiththepoo · 19/02/2016 10:05

Yanbu

Wardy1993 · 19/02/2016 10:08

People who are saying it's good that he's paying even though he doesn't see them. What a load of shit! As far as he knows they are his children, and he should pay for their upkeep so he knows they are well looked after, not just so he gets to see them. Such a ridiculous thing to say.

Wardy1993 · 19/02/2016 10:09

With you there bean

TempusEedjit · 19/02/2016 10:22

Wardy why are you calling the man a fucking m trying to wriggle out of paying when the OP is clear that she thinks he should ask for a DNA test? And later says he's happy to continue paying but she thinks he's foolish? Christ no wonder MN gets accused of man bashing with attitudes like yours.

Wardy1993 · 19/02/2016 10:27

This reply has been deleted

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Wardy1993 · 19/02/2016 10:29

And I'm not man bashing, I'm bashing the pair of them. No gender inequalities from my end.

PurpleDaisies · 19/02/2016 10:30

wardy you do realise that's an insult based on mental retardation that is considered disablist?

mellicauli · 19/02/2016 10:34

Your partner obviously loves these children. He has lost access to them but he can still show his love by providing for them and doing the right thing. He doesn't want to take the DNA test, he wants to continue with current arrangements. His choice about the legacy of a part of his life and not a great deal to do with you. Leave it well alone - it's not always about the money.

Wardy1993 · 19/02/2016 10:35

If you look up the origins of use its on a level with other words such as stupid and idiot. You never use these words?

And as someone that used to suffer with mental health problems I don't find it offensive.

TempusEedjit · 19/02/2016 10:41

But wardy nowhere does it say that the dad wants a DNA test, it just says he's always wondered which is not the same thing. Basically OP wants to use his doubts as a way of getting him to request DNA because it would save them some cash, he on the other hand has paid child support and pursued contact despite the obstacles and is happy to continue doing so. How is he at fault?

Wardy1993 · 19/02/2016 10:47

Because he's known for years and could have sorted it when the children were younger, but instead has let it drag out and it's all conveniently become relevant now that he can no longer afford to go to court.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/02/2016 10:53

This man has done nothing at all wrong. He has been happy to not DNA test for the children's entire life he appears to be happy to keep chasing contact and funding CM.

The person who is not,is the op.

The man in this sounds a decent one.

A new partner turning up and deciding the mother of the children is a slag and the children are not the dads when they are is not an unusual occurrence.

IslandGirlie · 19/02/2016 10:59

Haven read all the replies.
OP, has your DH thought about what he would do? Has he considered the outcomes and what he wants to do?
Would the DNA test change the feeling he has towards the child? And your feeling toward the kids, would you be both still worried about the DCs?

BoboChic · 19/02/2016 11:03

It's absolutely fine to check paternity via a DNA test if there is the slightest doubt. In the OP's situation I would want my OH to ask for a paternity test.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/02/2016 11:07

Perhaps he does not have any real doubt.

And no it's not ok to attempt to pressure someone into a DNA test. You don't get to make that choice for children where the legal parents are happy with the situation

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