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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want DP to ask for a DNA test for his DC?

206 replies

SashaFierce99 · 19/02/2016 00:18

DP had three DC when we met who are now aged 10 and DTS aged 8. His wife was unfaithful multiple times throughout their marriage; she has admitted this openly. The children look nothing like DP, each other or our DC together. He hasn't seen them regularly for several years because his ex moves around and refuses to tell him where etc.

Yet he is still paying over £500 p/m maintenance for them. Obviously this would be the right thing to do if they were biologically his or even if he just had a relationship with them, but he has admitted he isn't sure at all that they are actually his and realistically we can't afford to keep applying to the court to find out where the DC are while also paying so much maintenance.

Aibu to think he should ask for a DNA test in these circumstances?

OP posts:
Dontdrinkandfacebook · 19/02/2016 04:35

I think it's time to offer all babies routine DNA testing to be honest. A woman should have the right to refuse it but if she does then there is your answer.

It would make situations like this a damn sight easier to deal with.

sashh · 19/02/2016 05:01

I don't mean just money-wise. We spend so much time and energy worrying and chasing these children around trying to build relationships when, if they aren't his, it could all be for nothing and cause more hurt long term.

Bloody hell the poor kids.

Say you get the test and they are not his, what then? Sorry kids I'm not your dad, never gonna see you again, bye - would you really do that to an 8 year old?

And btw a DNA test is worthless at this stage, the courts may well consider them 'children of the family' so he could still be paying even if they are not his.

gooseberryroolz · 19/02/2016 05:40

I think it's time to offer all babies routine DNA testing to be honest. A woman should have the right to refuse it but if she does then there is your answer.

What misogynistic piffle.

I'd refuse any 'offer' that implied that I might have been unfaithful to my husband unless the request came from him (hard to imagine).

What kind of society would assume women were cheats unless they submitted to testing to prove their innocence?

OP YABU and unkind. It is far too late for DNA testing and you are not the appropriate person to make the suggestion anyway.

Three DC and any complications that came with them were part of the deal you signed up for.

Put yourself in their shoes. If you can.

Meirasa · 19/02/2016 05:53

I know someone this happened to.

He and ex have a DD. They had a one night stand and a few weeks later she called and told him she was pregnant. He was young and never questioned it and in fact went on to form a relationship with her and support her throughout her pregnancy which was pretty tough for a host of reasons. Their relationship lasted a few years.

A new partner eventually came on the scene for the Dad in question and she was surprised by how little DD looked and acted like him, but hey that happens- but a lot of the story surrounding their relationship made her curious. It wasn't that she didn't want the child to be his, but she didn't trust that the mother was being honest because she wasn't honest about a lot of other things. To make matters worse he paid far more child maintenance than most twice what the CSA recommended allowing the mother not to have to work at all. It was a 4 figure payment.

2 years ago he did a home test with a reliable company- he was sorting out his will (its a bit more complex than this) and did it on the spur of the moment thinking it would just confirm things. He told his DD that she had blood in her mouth and cleaned it with the swab. I doubt she would remember if asked. The test came back saying he was not the father and he was devastated.

You see he was there when she was born, he held her, he cared for her, he loved her from the first and to be honest he is her father. To her he is her Daddy. After a few months he decided to let it stay as it was and his new partner supported him in this. He knew that if he was to stop paying child maintenance or confront the mother he would never see his DD again. What's worse is he could imagine her mother saying it was because he didn't love her anymore because he had a new family. He had to put his DD who is totally innocent in any through this- shes a person and her feelings matter. Something like this could damage her and her future.

He plans on letting her know when she is older, she has a right to know who her biological father is too but he wants to make sure she is capable of an independent relationship with him first. He has cut down his maintenance payments by saying he moved job to within CSA guidelines and still sees his daughter regularly. Very few people know and in the last 2 years he hasn't said a word to mother or child. He is glad he knows the truth but it has taken a toll on him, he grieved but then became thankful because he is her Dad still and once he accepted that he was much more content.

On a happier note, he recently became a father again- and to his delight everyone has said how like him his child is.

BillSykesDog · 19/02/2016 06:07

YABU. It sounds like he regards the children as his whether or not there is a biological link. Obviously he cares about them. Be glad you have a man who is not prepared to walk away from children he obviously loves just because their mother is making it difficult to see him. If he sees them as his, that's all that matters.

MattDillonsPants · 19/02/2016 06:15

Those suggesting a DNA test is "too cruel" to the DC well so is letting them think this man is their Dad if he's not.

gooseberryroolz · 19/02/2016 06:18

He IS their Dad. Legally (their parents were married), socially and emotionally.

If there is contrary biological parentage to learn about 8 and 10 is the worst possible age and the current conflict between their parents is the worst possible circs.

lighteningirl · 19/02/2016 06:32

He is their Dad wether or not he's their biological father is not relevant it's very late in the day to say hmm changed my mind I'm not accepting this baby/these babies as mine. This happened to a friend of mine who found out via blood type/dna when his daughter was 10 he was devastated when he found out the mum had been lying/deluded/desperate wishful thinking. I think a standard DNA test to confirm paternity for everyone should be mandatory. I understand some women feel it's unnecessary but sadly it is necessary to protect children.

Pseudo341 · 19/02/2016 06:37

I'm going to go against the grain and say YANBU. He's paying for kids he apparently isn't allowed to have a relationship with and may not be his. It's really not fair to accuse him of cruelty, if they're not his it's 100% the mother's fault. If he's not the father he can walk away if that's what he wants. Yes it's very tough on the kids, but it is absolutely 100% the mother's fault and she should take all the blame for it. Lying to a man about the paternity of a child is a despicable thing to do. However, this has to be what he wants, not what you want.

As to her vanishing, what would be the legal implications to stopping maintenance payments to force her to reappear?

Beeswax2017 · 19/02/2016 06:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MattDillonsPants · 19/02/2016 06:44

Goose it's just not ethical to LIE about this! I'm not suggesting they should tell them now...but maybe the DH needs to discuss this and get councelling or something. If he wasn't their Dad I suppose the Mother could just stop access... :( but what about things like hereditary diseases and the knowledge which only your bio Dad can provide?

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 19/02/2016 06:52

YANBU. For the reasons Pseudo said.

My DP has always had doubts about his DD because his ex slept with someone else around the time she was conceived. There would always be an ounce of uncertainty in those circumstances. Sounds a bit Jeremy Kyle that doesn't it.

Katenka · 19/02/2016 06:52

If he wants a test he should ask for one. But I am cynical about your motivations.

It's best the kids find out if he isn't there's but I don't think that's the reason you are doing it.

If he genuinely had doubts why did he not pursue this when they first split up, if he felt he couldn't ask while they were together?

Katenka · 19/02/2016 06:53

And what's he going to do if they aren't his?

Cut the limited contact he has?

Purplepicnic · 19/02/2016 07:00

Whether he should get the test done depends on what he would do if they weren't his.

londonrach · 19/02/2016 07:02

I always thought it took more than geans to be a dad. did you think through this carefully. These children have thought for x number of years your dp is their dad. Can your df and these children cope with a negative or positive dna test. The fact you are questioning it and the test does back positive will have an effect on the relationship. Sounds all this upset is about money.

GabiSolis · 19/02/2016 07:04

This is very difficult and has the potential for upset on both sides. I think if there's a possibility the test could be done without the mother knowing and the DCs not realising then I would consider going for it. But you need to be sure that the potential fallout is something you can live with.

gooseberryroolz · 19/02/2016 07:24

Goose it's just not ethical to LIE about this! I'm not suggesting they should tell them now

You seem to be confused about what you are suggesting Matt;

Those suggesting a DNA test is "too cruel" to the DC well so is letting them think this man is their Dad if he's not.

How can he 'not tell them now' and simulataneously avoid 'letting them think this man is this Dad'? (If, indeed, he isn't their biological father.)

Timri · 19/02/2016 07:28

Nooooooo.
Do you think he'll thank you if it turns out they're not his?
If he wants to do it, he will.

NickiFury · 19/02/2016 07:54

What a surprise to see YOU here cantwait Hmm

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 19/02/2016 08:01

I could say the same to you Wink

NickiFury · 19/02/2016 08:06

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CantWaitForWarmWeather · 19/02/2016 08:08

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CantWaitForWarmWeather · 19/02/2016 08:09

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NickiFury · 19/02/2016 08:11

What are "these" kinds of threads then?