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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want DP to ask for a DNA test for his DC?

206 replies

SashaFierce99 · 19/02/2016 00:18

DP had three DC when we met who are now aged 10 and DTS aged 8. His wife was unfaithful multiple times throughout their marriage; she has admitted this openly. The children look nothing like DP, each other or our DC together. He hasn't seen them regularly for several years because his ex moves around and refuses to tell him where etc.

Yet he is still paying over £500 p/m maintenance for them. Obviously this would be the right thing to do if they were biologically his or even if he just had a relationship with them, but he has admitted he isn't sure at all that they are actually his and realistically we can't afford to keep applying to the court to find out where the DC are while also paying so much maintenance.

Aibu to think he should ask for a DNA test in these circumstances?

OP posts:
BoboChic · 19/02/2016 11:08

I think there are several mothers on this thread who live in fear of DNA testing :)

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/02/2016 11:43

I don't bobo

I know the biological origins of all my children with certainty.

But I do work with a lot of women who have been damaged along with their children by shitty ex's or more usually their new partners and have seen a lot of incredibly shitty reasons for 'doubting' paternity.

Wardy1993 · 19/02/2016 11:52

Bobo sounds like a great name for a troll... Hmm

NNalreadyinuse · 19/02/2016 12:06

Not read the whole thread yet, but what I think is most likely is that he is the father of one or two of them but not all. If that is the case, finding out is going to be devastating to these children.

Does he want to be their dad? If so, I would leave it be and continue to fight for contact. Bring a parent is about more than biology. Being a woman, this situation is very unlikely to happen to me but if one of my kids wasn't mine, I'd rather not know. My love for them wouldn't change, so what's the point?

Katenka · 19/02/2016 13:07

I have only had sex with dh since meeting him 16 years ago. So know 100% what a DNA test would say.

But I still think the OP isn't acting out of her partners children's interests.

LagunaBubbles · 19/02/2016 13:22

If the children arent his I think their biological Dad has a right to know he has fathered children.

LagunaBubbles · 19/02/2016 13:23

If the children arent his I think their biological Dad has a right to know he has fathered children.

diddl · 19/02/2016 14:10

I assume it's certain that she had unprotected sex when having affairs then?

Oswin · 19/02/2016 14:21

Bobochic aren't you fucking rude.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/02/2016 14:30

Bobochic is that you projecting your fears onto other? Nasty and unnecessary.

BillSykesDog · 19/02/2016 14:33

Ha! Well if my children aren't my husband's the fertility clinic are certainly in a lot of trouble. I'm not. GrinGrin

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 19/02/2016 14:37

It has to be his decision not yours. Yours seems to be about saving money rather than anything else.

I do think children deserve to know their true parentage, it's only fair and right. Easier to find out as young children than when an adult. Biology counts for a great deal, if they aren't his they have time to forge a relationship with their actual father.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 19/02/2016 14:44

My brother doesn't even know our dad isn't actually his biological father. I only found out when I was 16 and got dragged in to the web of lies. It's absolutely shit of parents to lie to their children.
If the mum in the OP's case knows there is a chance another man could be the biological father of her children and has done nothing about finding out, then she is also very shit.

TitClash · 19/02/2016 14:45

I'm surprised the courts dont just order the DNA tests automatically where there is maintenance to pay.

that way no one can be blamed for asking for the test.

diddl · 19/02/2016 14:47

"I'm surprised the courts dont just order the DNA tests automatically where there is maintenance to pay."

Why though?

If there are no doubts then that doesn't change because a couple split!

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 19/02/2016 14:49

I think that's a great idea. If it was standard before child support started, it would mean everyone, children and adults, would be in full possession of the truth. No using it as a weapon if it's part of the general procedure and nobody would be paying for children they were lied to about parentage.

cannotlogin · 19/02/2016 14:59

right...so women who's relationships breakdown can't be trusted?

diddl · 19/02/2016 15:05

If you are married, doesn't the husband legally have responsibility for the children of the marriage?

Surely if he had doubts the time to raise it was before he started bringing them up as his own?

BoboChic · 19/02/2016 15:23

diddl - if a couple is married, the husband is presumed to be the father unless proved otherwise. If proved otherwise he will not be forced to pay for those DC.

BillSykesDog · 19/02/2016 15:24

diddl it appears that the children were 4 and 2 by the time her unfaithfulness came to light. That's long enough to become so attached you don't want to know. And he does seem attached.

PrivatePike · 19/02/2016 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaveSomeSpendSome · 19/02/2016 15:42

Dh had a DNA test on his 2 children when they were 8 and 10 years old.

He had told me that their mother was caught cheating numerous times in their relationship and therefore i was very suspicious of him being the actual father.

CSA did a DNA test and confirmed that the two children are his.

What i do find very strange is that the mum took over 3 months to take them for the DNA after the CSA requested her to. I often wonder if she had had a DNA test done within that 3 months to see if their father was someone else and thats what took her so long to do the CSA one.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 19/02/2016 15:47

Ahh Well done Pike. :)
If you or anyone else have anything to say feel free to PM me rather than hijacking someone else's thread.
Thanks.

PrivatePike · 19/02/2016 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 19/02/2016 15:55

"the children were 4 and 2 by the time her unfaithfulness came to light."

Ah, missed that somehow.

As I put earlier though, she may have been using contraception.
(Yes, I know it's not 100%).

Also, were the two of them ever ttc?

It's not necessarily as simple as she was unfaithful therefore he's not the father.