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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dd to pay for own flight?

386 replies

bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 09:16

We're planning a 3 week trip abroad next year. Dd1 will have just turned 19 and will be living at home while studying. She has a part time job earning roughly £200 a month.

We've decided that she should contribute the £600 for her flight and we'll pay food, accommodation and days out expenses.

I mentioned this to a friend with a dd of the same age and she seemed astonished that we would ask for a contribution.

Dd seems to think it's unfair too but says she'll think about it. She's a great girl who does a lot to help us with younger dc.

What does everyone think and how have you dealt with the situation of taking older children on holiday?

OP posts:
AndNowItsSeven · 16/02/2016 10:13

I meant so you, not do you.

Alisvolatpropiis · 16/02/2016 10:13

So your son doesn't come on holiday and you financially compensate him for it...your daughter might want to come with you so you'll make her suffer financially?

Wonder who the favourite child in your family is Hmm

PaulAnkaTheDog · 16/02/2016 10:14

I think yabu. Some of the responses on here are ridiculous though. Got to love the hysteria!

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 16/02/2016 10:14

Is she still at school now?

Does your DS live at home rent free?

Does he babysit DD2 for free or for money?

Does your DD1 babysit DD2 for free or for money?

Why did you give DS cash but DD1 has to pay?

Can you afford to take DD1 on the holiday if she doesn't pay for her flight?

Were you originally expecting DD1 not to want to go with you and are now going to struggle to pay for the holiday for 4 people instead of the planned 3?

Do you need DD1 to come in order to share a room with and look after DD2? Or would you rather have DD2 in with you and only pay for 1 room?

MrsKoala · 16/02/2016 10:17

I don't think you should pay for adult children no. I wasn't paid for after 16. But i wasn't really invited either. When my parents wen to Egypt when i was 19 i asked if i could join them as it was a place i particularly wanted to go. They agreed and i paid for my ticket and some expenses. However, i was working FT and while only earning 7k a year i could save for it over 6 months.

But and here's the but, like fuck would i be doing any babysitting for free. I also paid rent to them from an early age. The way my parents were was part of the reason i left home (and shacked up with anyone going to just get out). While i love them i didn't really feel like it was my home or they were 'family' holidays once i was 16. I am an only child and it was very much their holiday that i was coming along to. If that makes sense.

I think if i could afford it and my DSs still wanted to come with us and it was a family holiday AND they were studying AND they gave me lots of free babysitting, that i would pay for them.

acasualobserver · 16/02/2016 10:18

It doesn't sound like you want her with you to be honest.

I agree.

notenoughbottle · 16/02/2016 10:18

Last year my DM and DD paid for me and my three dc to go on holiday abroad as I couldn't afford it on my income. They did this because they wanted to be able to spend time with us and knew we couldn't come otherwise. I think yabu especially if you're dd helps look after you're dc3. By giving her pocket money you've already acknowledged that she's hardly rolling in it so maybe give her a break?! At least she has good work ethic on top of studying - some characteristics to be admired.

kirinm · 16/02/2016 10:20

It's my birthday soon and we are going out to a fine dining restaurant. DS is 19 and we've asked him to pay for his own meal. He works full time and doesn't live at home if that makes much difference. They're adults now and earning. I don't see asking them to contribute as a bad thing at all.

harshbuttrue1980 · 16/02/2016 10:22

I don't see a problem with asking for a contribution. £200 a month is actually quite a lot in purely disposable income, and she can save up to make her contribution. She's 19 not 9, and £600 for a 3 week holiday is a good deal. On the other hand though, I think you should pay her the going rate for any babysitting she does. Also, she should of course have the right to say no to the holiday if she'd rather spend her money on something else.

ample · 16/02/2016 10:23

Yes YABU.
She is studying and £600 is three months part time wages.
Perhaps you would like to go without your own salary/spending money for three months and contribute to a holiday that is not your first destination of choice.
I would ask my DD to put aside some money each month for holiday spending money - and by spending money I don't mean paying for her own meals or transport.

Mammabrown · 16/02/2016 10:23

Thing is you are splashing the cash about your son gets money for not going if you want them to contribute to adulthood you are going to have to cut back on stuff they are used to getting its a holiday take them don't take them but putting conditions on a family holiday is mean

TubbyTabby · 16/02/2016 10:23

Wowee. That's mean.

ample · 16/02/2016 10:25

If your DD wasn't living at home with you or living at home but working full time then asking for the contribution would be reasonable.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 16/02/2016 10:27

Wow. You treat the elder child while being mean to the middle one?

I sincerely hope your daughter finds somewhere else to live and some good friends soon, as it appears you don't like her very much at all.

FranHastings · 16/02/2016 10:28

I wouldn't make her pay. I think YABU. Sorry!

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 16/02/2016 10:30

harsh if the OP's DD is currently at school and going to be at uni at the time of the holiday she will have a whole load of expenses to cover out of her 200 pounds a month part time job earnings. Unless the OP is going to buy her everything she needs for uni (by the sounds of it she is not going away, but depending on her subject she will need hundreds of pounds worth of text books and other academic equipment - maybe even a laptop or computer for assignments if she doesn't have one, plus probably quite hefty daily transport costs to wherever she is studying, unless the family home is walking distance from a university she has got an offer for...).

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 16/02/2016 10:31

I never had to pay for holidays with my parents even when I was in my 20s and working, if they wanted me to go with them they would always pay.

I'm sure they would still pay for me now if it came to it.

I think YABU in asking her to pay.

sparechange · 16/02/2016 10:32

Sorry, but that is awful. She has shown herself to be financially responsible enough to get a part time job while she is studying, and is being effectively punished for it, by being made to hand over 3 months wages

If she wasn't working, she wouldn't have to pay. You are sending out totally the wrong message to her on this, especially as you say she helps out at home and is good.

If you can't afford to pay for her to come, you need to rethink your holiday plans before you ask your DD to subsidise them.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 16/02/2016 10:33

Poor girl. That really is a very mean thing for you to do.

Its almost as if you feel you're having to prove some kind of warped point because she's now earning a pittance.

She'll have flown the nest before long, take her on holiday, and enjoy her company while you can.

AJ279 · 16/02/2016 10:33

Did I read right that you gave DS cash for not going to put towards a computer?

So you essentially paid DS not to go, but you're asking DD to pay to go?

£600 is a lot. YABU.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 16/02/2016 10:35

"So your son doesn't come on holiday and you financially compensate him for it...your daughter might want to come with you so you'll make her suffer financially?

Wonder who the favourite child in your family is hmm"

Doesn't take a genius to work it out does it. Wonder if the son has to provide childcare too?

I was raised that if you invite someone you pay, I can't ever imagine charging my children to join is for a meal or holiday. They are family events and should never be on a pay as you go basis.

They can still be financially savong without parents taking from them.

Original poster
bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 10:35

We don't receive child benefit

OP posts:
ravenmum · 16/02/2016 10:36

My daughter is 18 years old and her brother 16. I've declared that I'm only taking them both on long weekends for now, which she is quite happy with as she has her own things to do in the holidays. I also warned her that I might still take her brother on a longer holiday, or send him on a youth holiday, as I paid for her until she was 18, and it's only fair to do the same with him. She gets that.

My mum has occasionally organised a family holiday for my adult sisters and me, but always understanding that it would be something all of us could afford - i.e. if she wanted a really posh holiday cottage, she'd still only ask us to contribute the amount we might normally spend on a holiday.

Mouseinahole · 16/02/2016 10:37

I would not ask for a contribution in her circumstances. You are so lucky, she is studying , working and helping with her siblings, she deserves a treat (if she still wants to come with you).

Owllady · 16/02/2016 10:38

I don't think you want her to go either
My Dad used to pull stunts like this or just exclude me altogether whilst all the time reminding me how lucky I was Hmm