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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask dd to pay for own flight?

386 replies

bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 09:16

We're planning a 3 week trip abroad next year. Dd1 will have just turned 19 and will be living at home while studying. She has a part time job earning roughly £200 a month.

We've decided that she should contribute the £600 for her flight and we'll pay food, accommodation and days out expenses.

I mentioned this to a friend with a dd of the same age and she seemed astonished that we would ask for a contribution.

Dd seems to think it's unfair too but says she'll think about it. She's a great girl who does a lot to help us with younger dc.

What does everyone think and how have you dealt with the situation of taking older children on holiday?

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 16/02/2016 10:38

Really is simple OP.

You treat each child equally. That means if she doesn't want to come on this holiday you give her the same amount of cash that the other child got last year. And if she does want to the holiday is funded exactly as it would have been if the eldest child did want to go last year. The only question is did you ask the elder child to pay for his flight on last year's holiday?

Ditto the childcare. Each adult child does the same amount of hours for the same rate, or someone else does for the market rate.

EweAreHere · 16/02/2016 10:39

Your DD is a student who is working part time and helping out at home, and you want her to pay 3 months of her part time income to go on holiday with the family?

Wow. Any money she is making should be going to keep her from running up debt while she's still studying if at all possible. Why are you making it harder for her?

Furiosa · 16/02/2016 10:39

Why does your son get money for not going on holiday with you but your daughter has to pay to go.

That doesn't make sense.

Do you mean he got the money you would have spent on him? Will you do the same for your daughter?

IguanaTail · 16/02/2016 10:40

I think it's spiteful but you seem quite chuffed with your decision. I definitely wouldn't go if I was her.

paxillin · 16/02/2016 10:40

Sounds mean, ds gets money not to go and dd has to pay to go? Don't be surprised if she takes the money and doesn't come.

EweAreHere · 16/02/2016 10:41

I bet you will expect her to help with the younger ones on holiday, too.

Again. Wow.

If you don't rethink your treatment of her, when she eventually moves out, you may not be seeing too much of her.

Original poster

bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 10:41

Neither of them 'provide' childcare. Ds never helps and if dd babysits her sister aged 9 she is compensated. We don't have a roomful of toddlers that we throw at her.

OP posts:

Knitmyshickers10 · 16/02/2016 10:41

I wouldn't ask for a contribution of £600 either. Bringing your own spending money would be enough, especially when she's only earning £50 a week. If she's a great girl who helps loads with your other DC's why would you do this? She's still your daughter and you can still help support her and treat her a little.

Original poster

bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 10:42

There is ONE younger child.

OP posts:

Scootering · 16/02/2016 10:42

I've suggest that you pay for it in lieu of Christmas/birthday presents perhaps?

Stumbletrip40 · 16/02/2016 10:44

What do you mean by compensation though? You said she gets £20 pw - is this the compensation. While I wouldn't make any comments about your love for her, I'm wondering if you mention the other holidays as you don't want her to come on this one - not taking adult children on every family holiday seems reasonable. You can see most people think asking for the full flight cost is too much.

TealLove · 16/02/2016 10:44

That is so unbelievably harsh

FinallyHere · 16/02/2016 10:44

Wow. Last year ds didn't come with us so we gave him some cash instead which he spent on a new computer.

If you are charging DD £600 to come with you, what are you offering her if she doesn't come? Is it enough for a new computer, as you did last year for DS?

I find myself horribly drawn to this thread.

hazellnut56 · 16/02/2016 10:44

Why does your son get money for not going on holiday with you but your daughter has to pay to go.

Yesss!! Totally agree !!! Also your last response of "we don't get child benefit" is very much missing the point. Do you still believe that £600 for her to pay is acceptable. I get you pay her £20 a week but still won't go far I'm afraid. She sounds a very switched on young lady and plenty of girls her age could learn from her example

AtiaoftheJulii · 16/02/2016 10:46

Gosh, we went away at Christmas with the family, including dd1 who had just turned 19. She's a student, living away from home, and we're paying her rent. Didn't occur to me to ask her to contribute at all, to any of it! Damn, missed a trick there

PurpleDaisies · 16/02/2016 10:47

op what do you think about the responses you've had to your thread? Are you still going to charge the full £600?

LotsOfShoes · 16/02/2016 10:48

It's a family holiday. You want your kids to come, you pay for them. That is how every single family in real life does it. Anything else is mean.

Also, older DS doesn't come on holiday and is compensated for it. DD goes on holiday and has to pay YOU. That's so mean. So, so mean.

Lightbulbon · 16/02/2016 10:48

This is totally off!

She's still a dependent ffs.

You'd take 3 months wages for flights? Is it costing you 3 months wages??

I'm surprised she wants to come at all.

She be much better off heading to the med with her pals.

You should appreciate family holidays whilst your teen dcs still want to go not 'punish' them for still being part of your family.

She'd be right to feel quite unwanted and hard done by. This is the kind of heartless thing you see on stately homes.

Plus it sounds like you want to use her as a free babysitter!

You should be saying: cone with us and here's an extra £200 spending money since you work so hard!

Original poster

bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 10:49

Singapore and New Zealand. The £600 is about half the flight cost.

OP posts:

titchy · 16/02/2016 10:49

Completely unreasonable OP - tick
Everyone in disagreement - tick
Does not really respond to further questioning - tick
Very short follow-up posts - tick
No insight whatsoever - tick

Grapejuicerocks · 16/02/2016 10:52

I'd pay for her.
But by now
I'd also have stopped paying pocket money too. She's 19 and earning her own pocket money. Tbf I'd still pay the pocket money but into a secret account to save for her future.

Xmasbaby11 · 16/02/2016 10:52

That's awful! That's really mean. It wouldn't occur to me to charge her at all since she's a student. No way I'd expect 3 months' wages. I can only assume you don't want her to come. For that cost she'd probably prefer a cheap break with her mates.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 16/02/2016 10:52

bornwithaplasticspoon we are all assuming she does lots of babysitting because of the line in your OP where you say "She's a great girl who does a lot to help us with younger dc."

If you pay her for babysitting that is great. You give her 20 pounds a week pocket money and that is also a nice thing to do.

The real discrepancy seems to be between giving your DS money not to go on holiday but asking your DD to pay.

Is it a "line in the sand" thing? You say you are paying for her to go with you on some other holidays - is the "line in the sand" the point at which she finishes school, and after that you no longer find it appropriate to pay for her to holiday with you?

I think there must be something coming across wrong somehow, as it doesn't quite make sense that she has to pay for this specific, very expensive flight but not for other holidays - there must be some reason mustn't there?

JessieMcJessie · 16/02/2016 10:52

Waste of everyone's time- tick

Lightbulbon · 16/02/2016 10:53

If you are going 2 adults and 1 DC then won't you be paying an under occupancy charge for the accommodation?

So dd going is actually making it more cost effective?

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