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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask dd to pay for own flight?

386 replies

bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 09:16

We're planning a 3 week trip abroad next year. Dd1 will have just turned 19 and will be living at home while studying. She has a part time job earning roughly £200 a month.

We've decided that she should contribute the £600 for her flight and we'll pay food, accommodation and days out expenses.

I mentioned this to a friend with a dd of the same age and she seemed astonished that we would ask for a contribution.

Dd seems to think it's unfair too but says she'll think about it. She's a great girl who does a lot to help us with younger dc.

What does everyone think and how have you dealt with the situation of taking older children on holiday?

OP posts:

poppiesanddaisies · 16/02/2016 09:45

Honestly, I'm sorry but I think that's horrible.

The message I would be getting was that I wasn't really wanted.

BarbarianMum · 16/02/2016 09:45

I think it's fine on the understanding that she's under no obligation to come. She may prefer to holiday with her own friends.

spanieleyes · 16/02/2016 09:46

There is no way my 19 year olds would have come on a family holiday with me and certainly not if they were expected to pay for it! Has she asked to come with you? If she has, then a contribution towards the costs MIGHT be acceptable but £600 is a ridiculous amount to charge. I think you are not only BU but are mean and tightfisted too!

Chicagomd · 16/02/2016 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hazellnut56 · 16/02/2016 09:47

Sorry OP you are BU she only earns £200 a month which you're asking her to sacrifice for a family holiday presumably of your planning.
I'm all for teaching responsibility and money management however 3x months salary is very harsh. Maybe ask a small contribution towards flights (around the £50-100 mark).
I think what you may have forgotten is in paying the full 600 for this holiday, she'll be denied the basic student lifestyle of seeing friends or getting a takeaway as a treat etc, imagine you couldn't afford to live the life (that in all fairness she works for, plenty don't !) because she had to save 1/4 of a year for a family holiday ?

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 16/02/2016 09:47

I've been thinking about this since I originally posted, and I'm still bemused by your absolute meanness. You really don't have a clue. Stop relying on your daughter.

BlueMoonRising · 16/02/2016 09:48

if she was earning £1,200 per month, I would agree with you.

But three months wages?

I'd only ask for that if I didn't really want her to come.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/02/2016 09:49

My dad (ad mum) still pays for his DDs flights and we are all over 45.
And he has timeshare etc... so in effect pays for the accommodation.
But... he is retired and wants to spend his money on us.
I think it depends on your financial situation.

FinallyHere · 16/02/2016 09:49

Dd seems to think it's unfair too but says she'll think about it. She's a great girl who does a lot to help us with younger dc.

How will you feel if she chooses to spend three months money on something other than a family holiday where she is very likely expected to continue to 'do a lot to help with younger DC'? How much input did she have, to the destination/costs/dates/duration, you know, the sort of stuff people decide together?

Feel for her, hope she has lovely friends with whom to holiday, with a budget to suit her own budget.

blindsider · 16/02/2016 09:49

That is steep, until they are in full time work I reckon family holidays are that and the whole family goes... we took 24 year old DD away with us last year and made her pay £500 however this year we have told her she needs to pay her own way if she wants to come.

When I was 19 I wanted to go with my mates rather than my parents.

GruntledOne · 16/02/2016 09:49

Call me soft, but we don't ask our DC, who're older than 19, to pay if they come on holiday with us. We have a loose tradition whereby we rent a cottage for a week in the summer that has space for them if they want to come, and don't expect them to pay either towards the rental or travel if they travel with us. In practice when we're there they do tend to buy groceries and pay for a meal out or similar, but there's nothing laid down. I guess we just like having them there and know that, on a limited income, they might not get a holiday otherwise, so we're delighted to have them.

Toooldtobearsed · 16/02/2016 09:50

Very harsh.
We always paid for the whole lot when ours were at uni, with the proviso that they cobbled together enough money to treat us to a wonderful meal at the end of the holiday.

Those days are gone now, they have families of their own - this will come to you too OP, so don't waste precious memories by being mean.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 16/02/2016 09:51

Will your son be paying £600 too? As he's having driving lessons atm he must be 17 at least so will also be an adult by the time the trip goes ahead. Or is she being penalised for daring to earn a little money so that she can have some sort of social life around babysitting and studying.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 16/02/2016 09:51

expatinscotland · 16/02/2016 09:51

Seriously, I knew young women who had mean parents like this. The first man they came across who was happy to share his bed with them at his place and they were gone, one even quipped, 'At least I don't have to babysit her step siblings, living with M'. Another had a shit stepdad. She ended up moving out to live with a weed smoker in these flats that were full of drug dealers and users, but hey, it got her away from her stepdad and pathetic mother.

Merrylegs · 16/02/2016 09:52

I have 2 older DS at uni and a younger DD still at home.

I still pay for my 2 eldest student dcs to come on holiday. They still want to, we always have a great time together and most importantly DD would really miss her brothers on hol.

I don't choose places I can't afford to take them. BUT having said that we are flying long haul this summer and I have told them to bring a couple of hundred of their own cash for spends and snacks or if there is a particular activity they are planning (eg wakeboarding). They are happy with that.

Once they have left uni I am sure they will be gap yahing etc and the family holidays will kind of naturally end.

BeeppityBeep · 16/02/2016 09:52

I wouldn't and don't ask my teen/20+ year olds to contribute to 'famiily' holidays.

The clue is in the name... family holidays.

BTW I'd have loved to see the responses if you had asked about a DSD

wannabestressfree · 16/02/2016 09:53

I would just say you have had a rethink and you would like her to cover her spends.

helenahandbag · 16/02/2016 09:55

I last went on holiday with my family when I was 20 and my parents funded it all (one week all inclusive so very little spending money required). I wouldn't have gone if I'd needed to pay for it - who as a young adult wants to spend hundreds of pounds to hang out with their parents??

boredofusername · 16/02/2016 09:56

How mean, not only is she still on of your children but sounds like she has to have the younger siblings a lot despite them not being her children

This.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a (very) small contribution eg paying for dinner for you all one night but that's enough in my view.

And stop asking her to look after YOUR children. Or pay her the going rate!

PrimalLass · 16/02/2016 09:57

That's really not a nice thing to do to your DD.

Umpteen · 16/02/2016 09:58

My DC are in their early twenties. We have a family holiday coming up; we are paying in full for the DC who is a student, and paying half the flight cost for the other DC who are working. We'll pay for accommodation. It's such a pleasure to go away all together.

middlings · 16/02/2016 10:00

I think it's mean and if I was your DD I wouldn't go. If you can't afford to take her, you shouldn't have invited her. If you invited her to come on a family holiday then it's up to her to decide whether or not she can afford it when she sees the true cost. If you can afford it, and want her to come on the family holiday then you're being mean.

Is this a reverse?

MerryMarigold · 16/02/2016 10:00

I went on hols with parents at that age and they paid. I had a part time job too, but was working through university and believe me, the money didn't go far. I think it is a cheek now it's booked and everything. If it had been agreed in advance and you didn't really have the cash to pay for her as well, then fair enough. If a) you do have the money and/ or b) you did not agree this before booking then it is very unreasonable of you to ask for it.

DickDewy · 16/02/2016 10:00

Honestly? I think that's quite mean of you.

I can't imagine ever charging one of ours to come on a family holiday.

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