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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dd to pay for own flight?

386 replies

bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 09:16

We're planning a 3 week trip abroad next year. Dd1 will have just turned 19 and will be living at home while studying. She has a part time job earning roughly £200 a month.

We've decided that she should contribute the £600 for her flight and we'll pay food, accommodation and days out expenses.

I mentioned this to a friend with a dd of the same age and she seemed astonished that we would ask for a contribution.

Dd seems to think it's unfair too but says she'll think about it. She's a great girl who does a lot to help us with younger dc.

What does everyone think and how have you dealt with the situation of taking older children on holiday?

OP posts:
ExConstance · 16/02/2016 18:37

We have invited our sons on holiday with us free of charge until they finished uni, so 21, then they are on their own, though if they did want to join us for a break we would expect them to pay for a meal or have some groceries delivered, if it was abroad they would pay for their flights and we would pay for the villa. DS1 earns nearly as much as me now and he had subsidised his brother who is stil a student when they have been away together.

TheFairyCaravan · 16/02/2016 18:37

Should dh and I not ever go on a holiday again unless we can pay for all our adult dc's too?

Don't be ridiculous. DH and I go on holiday on our own, only have done for the last 2 years, however if we invited them on a family holiday we would pay for them to come.

ollsbolls · 16/02/2016 18:41

Hmmm.

That's certainly an expensive holiday to fund. I suppose it's fair to ask 'adult' children to contribute if they want to come (maybe it would be more palatable to her if you paid for the flights etc. but she had to pay for her entertainment/activities once there?).

Bit surprised by the idea of 'refunding' your son in earlier years. For me and my brother, family holidays (once we hit our teens) felt like a chore sometimes, but we'd never have been given the option of staying home and keeping the money - we wouldn't even have been given the option of staying home!...

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 16/02/2016 18:46

well you got your ansa op, no point me adding I also think its un fair.

if i was her I wouldn't go, much better things to spend 600 quid on at that age.

GoblinLittleOwl · 16/02/2016 18:46

Do hope your daughter makes the decision to go on holiday with her friends; she really needs to get away.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 16/02/2016 18:48

even though we've booked 2 x 3 bedroom accommodations so she can have her own room

Confused

even though....?

MistressDeeCee · 16/02/2016 18:51

What your DD earns seems to equate to roughly £50 per week. On that money I wouldn't pay for a £600 flight (a) she can't afford it & (b) no reason she should make holiday a priority, esp as expensive

At her age Id wait, see if I could get some more hours and go off on holiday with mates my own age, cheap Spain holiday or some such

In your shoes Id already have offered to pay 1/2. But since you've had to ask the question on here I think you're tight, esp as she helps out a lot with younger siblings.

If she decides holiday is too expensive/she no longer wants to go then I hope you respect her decision and leave her to it. At 19 she doesn't need to go on holiday with you anyway, at that age my 2 had already done holidays abroad with their mates

I wonder if this holiday is a "go back home to see loads of family" thing, the type that parents can be insistent on - and youngers can "take it or leave it" but because its family, are supposed to be "wow?"

If so, I've been there. & left my parents to it as soon as I could. I didn't mind the back home thing every couple of years but only went if/when I could afford it. My DDs have been 3 times with me when they were younger, now at 21 & 20 they do their own thing and didnt come with me last time I went back. They're adults so its their choice.

AnnieOnnieMouse · 16/02/2016 18:55

I'd never ask my kids to pay for a holiday! 4 years ago dh and I went to Italy, invited 25 yr old ds (on minimum wage) to come as our guest. If you can afford it, you should pay for her. If you can't, you shouldn't invite her. If an adult is earning a reasonable wage, then the invitation would be to join in with our holiday, making it clear from the outset that it would cost.

AnnieOnnieMouse · 16/02/2016 18:55

I'd never ask my kids to pay for a holiday! 4 years ago dh and I went to Italy, invited 25 yr old ds (on minimum wage) to come as our guest. If you can afford it, you should pay for her. If you can't, you shouldn't invite her. If an adult is earning a reasonable wage, then the invitation would be to join in with our holiday, making it clear from the outset that it would cost.

Headofthehive55 · 16/02/2016 18:57

I think when they are at uni the are on a reduced income - it's not like working full time.

Different if she had a full time job of course.

student life is not cheap, rents when she moves out can easily be £100 a week. If your income is such that she only gets the minimum loan and no grant she will need every penny she has. Wouldn't you rather she was able to fund her student days? What would you do if she had no money in her account?
Would you leave her at home?

ElderlyKoreanLady · 16/02/2016 19:06

I don't disagree in principle that an almost adult DC should contribute to a family holiday. However, if you want her to come and want her to contribute, you (IMO) should either pick a more affordable holiday or decide her contribution based on her earnings (not her bank balance).

If I were going to pay 3 months' wages on a holiday, I'd expect to be able to decide where I was going, etc.

RE the notion of parents paying for 'proper' grown up children's holidays, that has always baffled me. I went on a girly holiday recently with some friends only to discover that I'm the only one whose parents hadn't paid for it. I was the only one who isn't working and had to work really hard to save. I also know a family with 4 adult DC and the parents pay for all of them AND their partners! Shock

ElderlyKoreanLady · 16/02/2016 19:11

And yes, through my teenage years I would have been absolutely euphoric at the option to stay home but be given the money/bought a rather large gift instead! I wasn't given any options like that...I was told if I was going and if I wasn't, I was left money for food and told the house needed to be as they left it when they got home. I loved it!

pictish · 16/02/2016 19:17

£600 is a fuckload to ask.

JCLNE · 16/02/2016 19:20

I wouldn't go if I were her.

In fact, I stopped going on holidays with my parents when I was 15 even though they never asked me to pay. They just cramped my style. :D Honestly, what 19-year-old's dream holiday is going somewhere with mum and dad and looking after a younger sibling? Never mind spending three months' wages on it?

In her shoes I'd save up the money and use it to move out.

LadyTmalia · 16/02/2016 19:22

Its not like the OP is asking her daughter for £200 a month for the next 3 months, the trip is next year, thats £50 a month from now until Jan/feb.

Personally, I would not ask my daughter to contribute if we went on a one off trip of a lifetime, because we never went much past Butlins/Haven when she was little, so maybe 3 holidays in her lifetime. I feel I "owe" it to her. However I would be over the moon if she offered, and she would, and I would accept

Hope you have an amazing trip!

Original poster
bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 19:23

Yes dd has been desperate to go to Auckland for years. Dh's cousin emigrated as a teenager and he has a daughter dd's age. They've become firm friends and are desparate to meet in person. Dd also had a friend at primary who emigrated and she wants to visit her. Dh wants to meet up with his cousin. I love to travel but it's such a long way and expense. I'm always happiest in Cornwall.

OP posts:
ChickensRideWest · 16/02/2016 19:25

YABVU and ashamed of how differently you treat your 2 oldest children in this regard.

Kreacherelf · 16/02/2016 19:31

If you can afford to pay for her then you should.

Original poster
bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 19:31

A loooooong way back in the thread I posted that we were not asking dd for the money as we had comprised on a smaller accommodation. Dd wanted her own room (and a pool!) which bumped the price up way beyond the £600. We have found a lovely 2 bedroom place with a little separate sunroom so dd can have that while we're in during the day.

A mouse - yes we have had to book 3 bedrooms because dd1 kicks up a fuss about sharing with dd2. When booking in capital cities this bumps up the cost considerably! We've decided we're not doing it anymore (see above). Too late for this year though as both have cancellation costs.

OP posts:
honeyrider · 16/02/2016 19:32

Yes dd has been desperate to go to Auckland for years. Dh's cousin emigrated as a teenager and he has a daughter dd's age. They've become firm friends and are desparate to meet in person. Dd also had a friend at primary who emigrated and she wants to visit her. Dh wants to meet up with his cousin. I love to travel but it's such a long way and expense. I'm always happiest in Cornwall.

Why don't you stay home then and let your DD go instead? You stay in Cornwall and your DD goes to Auckland, win win.

Haffdonga · 16/02/2016 20:14

Also a loooong way back you asked when the parental contributions should end.

My rule for our teen/adult dcs is that the financial support ends when the full time education ends. By studying they are contributing their 'bit' in the same way a stay at home parent may be contributing theirs through other non financial contributions to the household. When they finish uni I'll ask any who haven't flown the nest to cough up approx a third of their income/dole to the houseold

But asking someone to work towards paying their way on an expensive family holiday and study presumably towards A levels seems disproportionate and likely to make her education suffer.

ollsbolls · 16/02/2016 20:21

"YABVU and ashamed of how differently you treat your 2 oldest children in this regard."

Christ that's a bit harsh!

They're trying to take their young kids on a lovely holiday. It's extremely expensive so they're asking a grown up daughter to contribute a small part of the cost if she wants to go. You may think that's not the way to go, but saying she should be 'ashamed' is ridiculous...

Original poster
bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 20:30

*Why aren't you answering any questions OP? You're just dropping in the odd additional sentence. We're not charging you&

Sadly, I don't have time to sit on the Internet all day.

OP posts:
Original poster
bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 20:33

Do hope your daughter makes the decision to go on holiday with her friends; she really needs to get away.

I'd only comment something as nasty that on a thread such as 'I starve and beat my children, aibu?'

Your comment such much more about you than it does about me.

OP posts:
honeylulu · 16/02/2016 21:27

Hmmm I think it's fair to expect her to cover her own spending money and extras but I wouldn't ask her to pay for her flight for a family holiday. Sounds like a bit of trip of a lifetime. Seems a bit unfair that younger sister gets an all expenses paid trip and she has to pay or miss out as a result of birth order.

I didn't usually go on holiday with my parents after age 17. I just didn't want to. A couple of times they persuaded me and I agreed but I wasn't asked to pay. (I was earning but in a very low income if it's relevant).

My MIL made a huge song and dance about a reunion holiday for her family members in the USA and went on and on about it until I and husband (though not married then) promised to go. It then turned out that we had to pay for own flights, accommodation, everything. We were quite hard up (PIL were wealthy) and hadn't been able to afford as holiday together at all at that time. Being treated would have been one thing. Paying full whack for someone else's dream holiday was another matter. We didn't go.

Oh and one university holiday my mum said I would have to get a job and pay rent. I got a job all right but travelled abroad and paid to rent somewhere else!

I think what I'm trying to say is if she's put on the spot to decide if her small income goes towards a family holiday you've arranged or doing something else with it (including saving it) she might decide not to go. It sounds like she's got a good work/ save ethic. Good. These days young people need it for uni, property etc.