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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dd to pay for own flight?

386 replies

bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 09:16

We're planning a 3 week trip abroad next year. Dd1 will have just turned 19 and will be living at home while studying. She has a part time job earning roughly £200 a month.

We've decided that she should contribute the £600 for her flight and we'll pay food, accommodation and days out expenses.

I mentioned this to a friend with a dd of the same age and she seemed astonished that we would ask for a contribution.

Dd seems to think it's unfair too but says she'll think about it. She's a great girl who does a lot to help us with younger dc.

What does everyone think and how have you dealt with the situation of taking older children on holiday?

OP posts:
DeoGratias · 16/02/2016 16:24

These questions are impossible answer. I pay for 5 children the youngest of whom are 17 to go skiing and to go somewhere hot in summer which obviously costs a lot and the oldest 3 are in jobs but I choose to do it. Not everyone shares the same views or can even afford it.

So I pay (and it is an extremely large amount) but I can see people's arguments not to. Entirely up to that family.

sonjadog · 16/02/2016 16:25

Ah, I see. I think sharing a room is fair, and better than making her pay 600 pounds.

Original poster
bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 16:27

Harshbuttrue, that is her basic wage for 8 hour contract but she often does more in the school holidays. I drove her in earlier as she's covering someone today. She does a bit of admin and social media for dh company which was supposed to be 'work experience' but he's been slipping her money. She does regular babysitting for two of my friends also who are very generous with her! She does have a lot of money in her bank (she received a four figure sum from grandparents for 18th Birthday) and she's very shrewd, she gets friends to come to ours for beers (bought by us!) before going out, gets dh to drive to save cab fares etc.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 16/02/2016 16:29

wow, when i was 19 i went on holiday with my parents and my friend and my parents paid for both of us

was my last family holiday

i was earning £80 a week then for 55hrs work, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before nmw !!!! this was 1993

you are asking your dd for her entire 3mth wages to pay for a holiday - i couldnt imagine doing that then at 19, let alone now at 42!!

im sorry to hear your ds tried to take his life but dont treat him diff from your eldest dd, thats not fair to her

and if dd does go then she shares a room with her sister

if she doesnt go how much will you give her, the way you gave ds money for a computer

did ds get driving lessons? most people i knw got 10/20 lessons as a 17th pressie, but this was 25years ago

JessieMcJessie · 16/02/2016 16:30

Thanks for answering about the University OP. Good for her!

sparechange · 16/02/2016 16:30

She does regular babysitting for two of my friends also who are very generous with her! She does have a lot of money in her bank (she received a four figure sum from grandparents for 18th Birthday) and she's very shrewd, she gets friends to come to ours for beers (bought by us!) before going out, gets dh to drive to save cab fares etc.

This all demonstrates a great attitude towards money that should be nurtured.

You absolutely shouldn't be getting her into the mindset that when you have some savings (and an expensive phase of life about to start) the sensible thing to do with the money is to blow it all on a holiday. It is bonkers!

Lightbulbon · 16/02/2016 16:33

Op I think maybe you have had it about too hard on here myself included

I think you've been a victim of not giving enough info in the op for people to reasonably say aybu

If you had said 'dd wants her own room on family holiday- should she pay towards this' you'd have had v different responses!

liinyo · 16/02/2016 16:33

We supported our DD1 for a year out from Uni when she had MH problems. It was a tough time for all the family and because of it, DD2 did not get as much attention as she should have during her A level years.
DD1 is now recovered, graduated, working and paying us rent. DD2 is unhappy at Uni and considering taking a gap year to look for permanent work/consider her options. At first I said she would have to pay her way if she did that, but she pointed out that her big sister hadn't had to pay in her year out.

I know it is slightly different as DD1 was ill and DD2 is 'just' unhappy, but I could see how unfair it might seem to her, particularly in view of the negative impact DD1s illness had on her sixth form years. We have agreed that if DD2 does decide on a year out, we will treat her the same as the older one and she can stay at home rent free for a year if necessary.

I think that if you can afford it you should pay for your daughters holiday and flights. She sounds like a great girl and I think an acknowledgement of how much you value her, her hard work at uni and her help in the home would be important to her.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 16/02/2016 16:34

you have taken this with good grace, and your childhood sounds pretty bloody harrowing. good luck OP!

Stumbletrip40 · 16/02/2016 16:41

That seems like a pretty good solution to me Op.

OhYouLuckyDuck · 16/02/2016 16:42

YABVU. She's family, it's a family holiday.

Lweji · 16/02/2016 16:43

I think a great part of the problem here is how you seem to treat your older DS and your DD1 differently.
Your OH is saving his rent to give it back to him. You have given him money for a holiday he decided not to go on. He is older with a full time job. She has some part time work and has got a windfall recently (which is irrelevant here).
But... you're asking your younger DD to pay for her own holiday.

Can you calculate it all between your DD and your DS and see if you are being fair between the two of them? It's difficult for us, but I'd certainly look at how much you were contributing to each at the same age and circumstances.

harshbuttrue1980 · 16/02/2016 16:46

It certainly sounds like DD has more disposable income and more money in the bank than a lot of full-time working people. If she was given a four figure sum for her 18th, I don't see why she can't spend some of that on a holiday.

I really don't understand why parents are expected to spend spend spend until their kids are well into adulthood. If she wants to go on the holiday, she can pay £600. if she can't afford it, well, plenty of students can't afford fancy holidays, what's the problem? When i was a student, I couldn't afford foreign holidays and it was no big deal.

serin · 16/02/2016 16:49

I think you are bloody mean.

You can obviously afford to pay for the rest of you, why don't you just go somewhere cheaper so she can come for free.

Sorry but it sounds like you have more of an employer/employee relationship rather than mother/daughter one.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 16/02/2016 16:52

I wouldn't ask any of my children to pay for major expenses on a family holiday. I'll just be grateful that they still want to go on holiday with me!

But if they are earning good money I'd expect them to offer to pay for some meals etc.

Headofthehive55 · 16/02/2016 16:55

Would you be upset if she decided not to go?

Why don't you look at somewhere cheaper?

I think she may feel under pressure to go with you and under pressure to pay. I take it you've chosen the holiday? and sold it to her as perhaps your last family holiday? So she knows you'd like her to come?

goddessofsmallthings · 16/02/2016 17:05

What DITHHopes has said.

She does have a lot of money in her bank (she received a four figure sum from grandparents for 18th Birthday)

How much has this influenced your decision to ask your dd to pay £600 for a plane ticket in order to participate in a 'family' holiday?

Regardless of their ages, if I couldn't afford to pay for a family holiday abroad that I chose to plan for all of my dc I would either abandon the scheme or opt for a less costly destination.

DimpleHands · 16/02/2016 17:11

I think YAB(VVV)U! Poor girl is studying and helps you out with the children and you are asking her to give you a huge amount for a family holiday? I find this really weird. I'd be really upset if I were her.

DH's parents still pay for us to go on family holidays and we are in our thirties.

sparechange · 16/02/2016 17:13

If she was given a four figure sum for her 18th, I don't see why she can't spend some of that on a holiday

She is about to go to uni, where she will have not inconsiderable expenses, including rent etc for her 2nd and 3rd years
After that, she will at some point want to house herself which will require a rental deposit and then possibly a deposit to buy somewhere.

Knowing she all this around the corner, I'd be bloody livid if she decided to blow the majority of her savings on a holiday. The idea that her parents should be forcing her to blow the savings on going away with them is mind boggling

springscoming · 16/02/2016 17:23

We paid for my 2 who are at uni to come on holiday with us. We wanted them to come with us (similar interests and sense of humor-they're great company as adults) but if we hadn't paid, they wouldn't have been able to afford to come with us and would happily have stayed at home. It was probably our last holiday all together and we all thoroughly enjoyed it. It was a treat for me and I'm glad we could afford it.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 16/02/2016 17:29

I think that if she shares with her sister - you pay. but if she insists on her own room she contribute. That way she has to make an adult decision about how she uses her money. And I speak as a mum who brought her DS on holiday while he was at uni. He was grateful - and house sits for us now when we go away - although I think even in his mid 20s he'd still like to come along on freebie holidays - who wouldn't? :)

aprilanne · 16/02/2016 17:29

it is my middle sons 21st birthday soon and we are all going away on holiday husband/ sons/ partners darling grandaughters .i have paid the sons at home 21/16 and have also paid for eldest sons family because while he is obviously independent .i still asked him so in my opinion i should pay for some of his costs but maybe i am to soft

Tootsieglitterballs · 16/02/2016 17:31

I think your getting some rather unfair responses OP if I'm honest .....

My family were fairly well off, but once we got to 17 and were both in jobs rather than uni we did our own holidays and paid for them ourselves.

We both moved out at 18 too.

If we had been invited on holiday, we would have been expected to pay our way - dad would have always covered trips out and meals while away, but we would have had to pay for our flights.

My younger sister on the flip side is early 20s, at uni, no job and still gets everything paid for including flights! Personally I still feel she should be encouraged to get a job, earn and pay her way!

I think it's about learning responsibility and learning how to manage your money - if you want nice holidays, you have to save up for them.

I imagine you haven't booked yet, and when you do book, you will pay to book all at the same time. You say you are only asking her for half anyway - she has at least a year to pay this £600 back - people need to stop thinking of it as 3 months wages but of 12 months paying back £50 a month. She will still have £150 to enjoy student life with!

Lweji · 16/02/2016 17:33

But the issue is not what they ask from the daughter so much, as the treatment difference in relation to her brother.

Tootsieglitterballs · 16/02/2016 17:34

And just to add to my post.....

We are going on holiday this year and yes, it is costing us 2 months salary, but we have saved monthly for it and will continue to save monthly until we go for spending money.

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