To ask dd to pay for own flight?

[bornwithaplasticspoon]

We're planning a 3 week trip abroad next year. Dd1 will have just turned 19 and will be living at home while studying. She has a part time job earning roughly £200 a month.

We've decided that she should contribute the £600 for her flight and we'll pay food, accommodation and days out expenses.

I mentioned this to a friend with a dd of the same age and she seemed astonished that we would ask for a contribution.

Dd seems to think it's unfair too but says she'll think about it. She's a great girl who does a lot to help us with younger dc.

What does everyone think and how have you dealt with the situation of taking older children on holiday?

My children have quite healthy bank accounts and saving accounts. I'm really proud of their attitudes towards money. DS2 is at uni, doing nursing, he's got a part time job and hasn't gone into his overdraft. If he wants to come on holiday with DH and I in the Summer, we'll still pay.

The massive difference in the way you treat your two older children is really horrible. I'm sorry, but it is.

It's too much to ask for even if you feel a contribution of some sort is required - £100 maximum but personally I wouldn't ask her for anything. She's already studying, working part-time and helps you out with the younger children. She sounds a lovely girl. Surely you can treat her? If I was in her situation I'd rather save the cash, stay home and have 3 weeks of peace and no babysitting.

When I was 19 I wouldn't have wanted to go on holiday with my parents to be honest and certainly not for £600 which would get me a week's holiday with my mates in the sun which would have been preferable

Ds really detested family holidays from about 14 onwards. Anyone who has been on holiday with a reluctant teen will know how soul destroying it is.

It came to a head after we'd been to Spain at Whitsun. He was 16, first year college. He hated it (we didn't realise at the time he was having anxiety problems, it came out as anger). We had planned our usual UK summer holiday (only an hour from where we live) and dh said if he didn't want to come he'd give him his 'share' instead. I think it was about £200 which he spent on a computer. Grandparents fed him daily - we didn't use them, they loved it. He loved it.

I think we've had two holidays since where he's had his 'share' rather than come with us. We didn't go away while he was very ill.

Like I said, we've got two holidays booked this year and have NOT asked for anything from dd even though we've booked 2 x 3 bedroom accommodations so she can have her own room.

The 2017 holiday is looking like coming in at £3k a head. Most definitely a one off for us.

Bornwith.....

I honestly don't think what you are asking is wrong at all.

This is one of those 'once in a lifetime' trips

Your daughter has been given the option of coming on an amazing trip, worth £3000, for £600 . To go to New Zealand and Singapore! She doesn't have to go.

If I had been living at home at 19, rent free, studying , no further student expenses, and I had a job paying £200 a month, id have been asked to contribute too, and would have done .

To the adults who still have their holidays paid for by parents -

Is this a one off or a regular thing?

Do you contribute anything? If so, how much?

I suppose it depends on what the holiday is - are you getting a private jet off for 3 weeks in the Bahamas? If so, a contribution might be fair enough.

Generally though, I'd say £600 is a bit of a steep ask for a 19-year-old earning £200/month.

I applaud your attempts to keep her grounded, but if it were me at that age I'd have probably kept the £600 and gone on a £100 all-inclusive holiday with friends instead!...

liinyo Your last paragraph really struck a chord. Thank you.

Hmm, tough one. From your op I would say that £600 is too much given her income.

How much does your daughter think is fair?

You're being silly for booking the extra room.
Otoh, it's also not fair on her to having to contribute if you decide to go on 10 holidays in one year and take the youngest dd, and if you did pay the equivalent to her brother at her age. Plus it's not fair on her that she has to contribute to a trip she presumably didn't choose or had any opinion on the cost or location.

People still have holidays paid for?!

We didn't even get a contribution to our wedding ! Or when having a baby!

Maybe my folks are just tight.... Or maybe they just taught us about money from a young age, as our parents won't always be around to bail us out / pay for our holidays etc ......

I think YABU. Your DD doesn't earn much at all. We're having a big family holiday this year and are paying for all accommodation, flights, food etc. None of our DC live with us and we have 2 DGC. We never have (and never will) ask our DC's to pay anything for a holiday we invite them on. If they don't want to come that's fine but we always offer.

It's a shame mumsnet cannot group all ops posts together as I have already answered most questions (I think) and posted about the comprise we have come up with.

dd's younger sibling is 9. Dd is great with her - does her hair, big sisterly advice, watches her in the shower if I'm busy downstairs etc. She does NOT babysit for free. Dh and I rarely go out as (as you can see) we save hard for our holidays.

And that information is relevant to the disparity between siblings how?

Nope, again people are 'assuming'.

Ds did not get 'paid' for not going on holiday at 19. I think that was 3 times and certainly not past 18.

Dd will be 19 on holiday in 2017.

Sorry, I think you as parents are being mean, discriminating between your son and your daughter this way. If you can afford it, pay for your daughter. If you can't, don't call it a family holiday (is your son going too and being expected to pay his flight, or will he be staying out of it and getting a contribution towards buying a house?).

Tootsie same here. It's totally alien to me and I can't think of anyone I know whose parents pay for their holidays either.

Interesting to hear how differently people do things.

Given the high cost of the holiday - I would suggest toning down the plans to accommodate all, rather than excluding some to afford a higher cost per head.

How very mean OP!!!
YABVU... You ask your daughter to go on a family holiday, then expect her to pay for the privilege?!! Yet she does a lot to help with your younger kids?!!
You should pay for "her" holiday & let her use her wages for spending money.. If you can't afford to pay for all your kids then you shouldn't be going on a family holiday!

Ds won't be coming as he can't afford it. He is an adult and if he wants a holiday he will go with his girlfriend I should think.

Should dh and I not ever go on a holiday again unless we can pay for all our adult dc's too?

Are you paying three months wages for a holiday that you didn't arrange or initiate?

Three months' salary to come on holiday with mum and dad? I know what my 18 year old would say (although she would at least drop us off at the airport)!!

Fourth time:

ONE younger child. Aged 9. Hair, advice, shower duty. Gets paid to babysit (rarely).

I'm going to put this to bed now. Have to collect dd from work.