To ask dd to pay for own flight?

[bornwithaplasticspoon]

We're planning a 3 week trip abroad next year. Dd1 will have just turned 19 and will be living at home while studying. She has a part time job earning roughly £200 a month.

We've decided that she should contribute the £600 for her flight and we'll pay food, accommodation and days out expenses.

I mentioned this to a friend with a dd of the same age and she seemed astonished that we would ask for a contribution.

Dd seems to think it's unfair too but says she'll think about it. She's a great girl who does a lot to help us with younger dc.

What does everyone think and how have you dealt with the situation of taking older children on holiday?

also it sounds as though there is no precedent for asking your DS to pay for anything except a peppercorn rent...it's up to parents to decide where it ends but you absolutely have to be consistent across children.

I thought it sounded a bit mean until you said about DD requiring a separate room. That will add considerable cost and it's not so much a family holiday. I would be inclined to pay for her share of holiday on the basis of sharing with her sister but if she wants special treatment tell her she will need to pay the extra cost

When does it end?
If you ask my parents, never.

Because basically, it's a nice way to spend some holidays with me/us. They get to chose where we go, they get to see spend some time with us. And they can afford it.

I have to say, I wouldn't go away on hols wo proposing to my dcs to come with me if they were still living at home. Amnd yes I would still be paying for driving lessons etc... because they are still dependant on me and will be until they have a full time income.

laguna

Still not getting it - you will give her money to go on a friends holiday but not pay for her to come on a family holiday, in fact charge her? Why would you want to go on a family then in those circumstances?

I think OP's point is that the holiday is mega expensive so even with DD paying £600 they're paying a lot towards it. I think.

I'd be so pissed off if I was the DD, 3 months salary? No thanks.

Are you saying that she'd end up spending 600 quid of her own money (in addition to whatever you gave her) if she chose the "friends'holiday" option?

You keep raising the driving lessons and tests. Yes, it's all expenditure on her from your perspective but did you ever actually sit her down before fronting up for the lessons etc and explain that paying for this might mean less money to take her on hols in the future? If not, it's unfair to bring it up now.

You still haven't commented on whether (and, if so, why) you think that 600 quid is actually affordable for her.

Finally, am I right in thinking this holiday is planned for 2017? If so, that does give more time to save up (you'd not make her pay upfront, surely?) but if she is going to University in sept then she probably has no idea how she'll feel about a family holiday after she finishes her first year. Or are you going earlier than the summer, so as not to hit NZ winter in June-Aug? Will she not have revision to do in other hols?

Well said Ewe

Shocking. Either tell the poor sod she's not going or take her and pay for her. Does she want to go on your holiday? It might be she'd have more fun home alone.

I think I'm getting it.

This is a vv expensive holiday- poss £10k total. So from ops pov £600 contribution from dd isn't much.

What does she spend her £200pcm on atm?

The fact it's an expensive holiday is irrelevant.

If you want a family holiday then you cut your cloth accordingly.

If you don't want daughter coming, just tell her.

if i was her i would spend the 600 quid on a fortnight in shagaluf with my mates

OP you are getting roasted, here, but I have to agree with just about all PP's.

From your original post, you claim, "she's a great girl who does a lot to help with the dc's".

I would be tempted to say, then, surely paying for her holiday is a great way to say, "thanks for all the help with all the DC's. Here is a final family holiday together. It's going to be a smasher, we'll all have fun, take your own spending dosh too for those extras you want."

And stop paying for the driving tests. That should focus her mind.

She's earning a pittance and studying, so can I assume she will be in debt once graduated?

She is still your dependant, and so asking her to come up with quite a bit of money, I feel is unreasonable.

Finally, from what I can glean from scrolling thru the posts, it seems that in the end this has all boiled down to cold hard cash?

How sad.

And the fact that you e paid for driving lessons and tests is irrelevant too.

Because your DS, who does nothing to help with the younger DC, is also able to save for his own place because he pays so little rent. Sounds like he's doing pretty well out of the deal.

£600 is a lot in relation to the DD's earnings. Op also hasn't responded on the points about the different allowances made for DS. I wouldn't pay extra amounts for the elder DD to have her own room though as that doesn't seem necessary for a family holiday at her age - perhaps you need to be more open with your DD and tell her that having her own room adds £££ to the cost?

Dd1 is 18 and earns roughly the same. Dh and I are paying for her holiday ticket for our family and I intend to do so until she earns a proper wage. I am not spending 1 months wage of my ticket let alone 3.

I do other think it will make one iota so difference in her respect level towards me and dh as her parents. If we pay or make her. I do know she will be grateful and likely will pay for dinner one evening but that will be from her generousoty and suggestion.

Would you enjoy her company on holiday or wouldn't you? Are you scared she will never leave home and are trying to squeeze her out?! Do you think she is ripping you off, financially, and not pulling her weight in other ways? If I were her, I'd pay to go on a holiday without you, on the basis I'd been given the impression you thought I should have grown out of family holidays by now.

i would draw the line at paying for her own room though, she should be willing to share with her sister on a family holiday

How mean to treat your DD this way yet show blatant favouritism to your DS. The DS who's earning and does nothing to help gets rewarded with very cheap rent and cash not to go on a holiday then the DD who's great at helping and on a pittance is expected to pay up for the privilege. What mean parenting.

I no longer wonder why some adult children never bother visiting elderly parents in nursing homes as there's often a history of resentment and poor parenting behind it. OP you come across as someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

YABU
we are in exactly the same position. We have an 18 and 20 yr old both students with p/t jobs and are going on a 20 day holiday in September. No way would we ask them to contribute.
DS is funding his own holiday, but i wouldnt expect either of them to fund part of a family holiday.

'It's my birthday soon and we are going out to a fine dining restaurant. DS is 19 and we've asked him to pay for his own meal. He works full time and doesn't live at home if that makes much difference. They're adults now and earning. I don't see asking them to contribute as a bad thing at all.'

FFS! Fucking mean and sad, that some people point score with their own children and are so tight they cannot even derive any pleasure from the ability to treat their children to something fun because, well, they're adults.

I hope all these people get the measure of their mean parents soon.

Makes me appreciate my parents. They still enjoy treating us (and their grandkids). Paid for a holiday house a couple of years ago so we could all go together, bought us a car when we couldn't afford a decent one. Etc. Dh is an adult and earns a very good wage, but sometimes money is tight with kids, mortgage etc. It will come back to them later when they need help, and it will be given back with pleasure because they have been so kind to us.

A month ago OP said her DS was having driving lessons, no mention of the DD having them too. I wonder who pays for those?

As for charging your child to come out for your birthday meal! Words fucking fail me!

I have a lot less income than you and my youngest and middle DDs have more income than your DD.

I still take them on city breaks and I've booked a caravan holiday (which is my spending equivalent of your long haul) for us all, including GD.

It sounds as though you can afford to pay her to go, she still lives at home, so I don't understand why you would want a contribution from her.

""Dh has been saving his rent and wants to use it to help him with marriage/baby/other""

Likewise, that's a good idea, as long as you're matching or giving more than what you give.

I understand prioritising paying off your mortgage or paying into a pension, but that's not what's happening.

I think that you're being unnecessarily tight fisted.

I'm definitely older that 19, have a house, a baby and me and DP work full time earning a fair amount between us and my mum takes me out for tea once a week and pays if she invites us anywhere. We seem to go by the "If I invite you, I'm paying for you" and I do the same for her. Seems a bit tit for tat in the grand scheme of things. It doesn't matter who earns what and how much, don't invite someone somewhere and then barge in with a big fat but it's going to cost you £600, on the other hand we will pay you not to come. I'd be hugely offended my mum did that, I'd rather just not be invited.

What you're asking her to contribute might not be a big percentage of the total holiday cost, but it's a quarter of her annual pay on a family holiday. That's a LOT of money. I couldn't afford to spend a quarter of my salary on a holiday and I'm earning over 4x what your daughter does.

If you can't afford to take her without her contributing £600, then you choose a cheaper holiday you can afford. How would you explain this to the 9yo? "Oh, your sister can't come because we're making her pay and she can't afford to, so instead of going somewhere else and including her, she has to stay home on her own"? Charming.