Trying to answer some questions and not get too emotional..
It's hard to read 'tight' 'mean' etc as we're neither of those but you don't know us, you only know a small part of our lives. Dh adores dd1 and doesn't sleep until she's home, often picks her and her friends up late at night and last week drove them all down to london for a concert when they missed the train. I drive her to work and back as often as possible to save her time and bus fare. I don't ask my children to do much around the house. Ds is in charge of the rubbish and dd1 does help out with dd2 but in the way of helping her with her hair, keeping an eye while she showers while I wash up etc. There's certainly no unpaid childcare so I'm not sure where that has come from.
Ds has had mental health issues which he's recovering from which is why he's not been in higher education. He's struggled to find work but he is full time now in low paid retail, has some good friends and is a lot better. He's cosseted yes, but when you live in fear of finding that your child has ended their life you tend to treat them with kid gloves. I can't hear sirens when he's out without panicking. Having a girlfriend has helped him lots and I'm starting to be able to relax when he doesn't come home.
I know I can be quite hard on the dc's because compared to my childhood theirs is bliss. I lost my wonderful mum suddenly who was a single mum and was 'taken in' by father and step mother and I was never a proper part of the family, a proper cuckoo in the nest. I'm still not over the things that happened and it was 35 years ago. NC with them all now and I'm trying to work on it. I should not compare their childhood to mine as it's absolutely unfair, but it's hard, especially when they complain about what they don't have. Maybe this is where my 'tightness' comes in.
Also hard to read the assumptions that dd is not my husbands daughter as she was a longed for child just like our other two. I know aibu can be a tough place but I like to think, when I'm responding, that I don't make such assumptions.
Anyway, I did update with our solution which is way up thread now. Dd is pondering sharing with her sister.
This holiday would be completely in uni summer hols 2017 and is quite a relaxing one (bar the travelling and the two city days) she could study while there, we will get younger dd to leave her in the bedroom in the daytime if she needs space. Dh will have to work (he runs an online company) so I can take dd2 off out if they both want peace.
The flight prices aren't out yet so we're basing it on 2016 prices.
Thanks again for your opinions. It's interesting to read how others do things. 'Without conflict there can be no progress' is very true.