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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2B wants 8 days stag-do

258 replies

here4help88 · 14/02/2016 13:36

H2B left the stag-do plans to his best man who has planned an 8 day trip to Las Vegas. I think this is ridiculous as it will have to be 9 days (possibly 10) as they need to stay overnight in London due to flight times. I think this is an absolute piss take, that's a holiday not a stag party and we have a three year old. I've tried to talk to him about it and his answer is he hasn't planned it so nothing can be done. Basically shut up he's going. I'm really really angry about it all to be honest. AIBU?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 14/02/2016 17:54

That is a lot to spend on stag/hen dos, would the money not be better spent in savings or investments, or holiday together. That aside, he is totally disregarding you and your feelings.

Dowser · 14/02/2016 18:00

Sounds exactly like my ( cheating) exh.

My new DH would ever do this in a million years. The other one couldn't wait to plan nights out / trips away and no he wasn't like that when I married him . I never saw it coming.

BertrandRussell · 14/02/2016 18:04

It would only be unreasonable if he wasn't prepared to look after their child while the OP goes away..............

Fatrascals · 14/02/2016 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at request of author

BertrandRussell · 14/02/2016 18:05

"Everyone is different."

What, even about "flicking through" someone else's private stuff?

diddl · 14/02/2016 18:08

"It would only be unreasonable if he wasn't prepared to look after their child while the OP goes away"

Not unreasonable to expect Op to look after their child day & night without asking first?

BertrandRussell · 14/02/2016 18:11

Well she knew he was planning a stag do and was expecting it to be a holiday...........

NuckyT · 14/02/2016 18:12

To me, the context is the thing. If this is a 'once in a lifetime' thing I wouldn't see that as a huge problem. If he's going to expect to do this every six months or every year, that's a different matter.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 14/02/2016 18:13

Bollocks this would be happening at Chez FellOut. I'd think it was slightly piss taking if we had no kids but DH wouldn't be going on a jolly without me or our daughter for so long now it's not just us. And I don't think I'm being naive in saying that I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want to either.

SuperFlyHigh · 14/02/2016 18:13

Oh well that's good you didn't find anything but why look in the first place?!

It wouldn't cross my mind in a million years to do this curious or not unless checking up and if my partner did this to me I'd think he was snooping and suspicious too.

cansu · 14/02/2016 18:14

I think if you have a ten Thousand budget for these two celebrations, I can't really see the issue. I think it's is ludicrous to spend this much and don't see why a hen or stag do requires such a ridiculous amount of money and time. You have however allowed this amount to be spent so should expect something this stupid and over the top. This has got to be one of the strangest threads I have read in a while. What did you expect him to do with this amount of money?

Bearbehind · 14/02/2016 18:14

None of us can imagine what it's like to suddenly come into an 'unimaginable amount of money' but i suspect the likelihood of you staying together after such a life changing event depends very much on you both having always had the same goals/ dreams.

If your DHhas always wanted to live a responsibility free jet setting life then this win facilitates that.

I'm sure some people would automatically want to travel but it's the choice in travelling companions that might differ.

The massive issue is that with a huge sum of cash at his disposal, nothing is out of reach or a challenge anymore, so he has to get his 'highs' in different ways.

Regardless of whether he cheats or not, if you're not on the same page wrt what your future holds then it's likely only a matter of time before you become incompatible anyway.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 14/02/2016 18:16

People make out children are such a hinderance.

As long OP can still work and pick up from childcare when he's away then it's not really a big deal. Surely it's not a hardship to do one to one parenting. OP manages when he's away on business so no different.

Given the OP hasn't mentioned any childcare problems and its more about the fact he doesn't need to be with her 24/7 then they both are clearly on different wavelengths. Being needy isn't a good trait, couples should spend time apart otherwise when things go wrong they don't have any friends or interests to fall back on.

merville · 14/02/2016 18:16

Trips to Amsterdam and Las Vegas - the two most notorious sex industry and 'party' cities in the world.
Serial cheater, amoral best man.
Single friends
Passwords on all his devices.
Makes out you are ridiculous if you make reasonable objections to him.

Definitely marry him, but engage a lawyer who specialises in large settlements.

Stickerrocks · 14/02/2016 18:17

Did the change in his good fortune come before or after your relationship started and you had a baby together? You have both been thrown into a completely alien situation and it is understandable that you both need to adapt to the change in your financial position. There must be doubts about who wants to be with you both for the money and who wants to be with you for who you are. I'm sure that if I was in that position I would be desperate to convince my mates that I hadn't changed and bending over backwards to fall in with their plans whilst sharing my good fortune. Did he take up any offers of counselling/support when things changed?

0hCrepe · 14/02/2016 18:19

Do you trust him? Maybe just talk to him honestly about how you feel without being accusatory or demanding. It will be hard for him to say to the lads he can't go for as long because you're not happy about it. He's clearly fine with it so any changes would be forced by you. You feel differently and that's fine too, no don't book 10 days just to spite him if that genuinely wouldn't make you happy. What would? If you'd miss your dd how about taking her with you on yours? You can have choices just as much as he can. As you said he is with you; he doesn't have to be. It basically comes down to trust.

JohnLuther · 14/02/2016 18:20

merville the OP has snooped hence the change of passwords and what has the best man being a cheater or having single friends got to do with it?

diddl · 14/02/2016 18:22

"Well she knew he was planning a stag do and was expecting it to be a holiday"

Yes, of course.

But it doesn't hurt to say when & how long you are thinking of, does it?

I mean I was a SAHM when ours were young.

So that my husband could work.

Not so that all childcare was automatically mine 24/7 with no consultation!

SirVixofVixHall · 14/02/2016 18:25

merville -Grin

SuperFlyHigh · 14/02/2016 18:26

merville exactly what I said in my first response.

Do you know why I said it too?!

Used to work in solicitors who dealt in family/matrimonial law and men and women have divorced for far less reasons. Money was a big reason (women spending DHs money on shoes etc), unreasonable behaviour another one, serial shaggers were common and the worst. Lost count of number of women (affluent area) who came into our office asking "I want to divorce or how can I divorce DH and/or best time to do it, and what is the best settlement I could get/how could I afford it?!" Then again there were also women who acted "dumb" but knew how to get a decent settlement of not only 1 but 2 husbands. I sort of admired the latter to be honest as I could never do what they did. The solicitor acting for them quite easily saw through their "stupidness" and "dumb blonde" act.

SuperFlyHigh · 14/02/2016 18:28

JohnLuther most women (me included) snooping doesn't happen unless you suspect something. Could be a total red herring eg nothing has happened at all re straying away.

Her OH thought he couldn't trust OP or she could not trust him, hence his changing of passwords.

hollowlegs · 14/02/2016 18:33

What do you think your husband-to-be will be doing for a whole week in Vegas?

You say he's with his single friends. What types of things do most single men get up to in Vegas? Hmm

Good for you for having so much trust I wouldn't

ENormaSnob · 14/02/2016 18:35

So its just me that would marry the fucker...then screw him over?

Tallulahoola · 14/02/2016 18:40

Ignore the cost, length of time, everything else. There is only one reason they are going on these stag dos and it is sex with likely trafficked women

Steady on there. This is a massive assumption to make with no evidence whatsoever

LaPharisienne · 14/02/2016 18:42

If this is what he wants to do and you've said you'd rather he didn't but he's insisting, the only thing you can do is be gracious - tell him you love him and that you hope he enjoys himself, give him a kiss and wave him goodbye. You have to trust him.

Good luck and enjoy your hen and the wedding xxx

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