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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2B wants 8 days stag-do

258 replies

here4help88 · 14/02/2016 13:36

H2B left the stag-do plans to his best man who has planned an 8 day trip to Las Vegas. I think this is ridiculous as it will have to be 9 days (possibly 10) as they need to stay overnight in London due to flight times. I think this is an absolute piss take, that's a holiday not a stag party and we have a three year old. I've tried to talk to him about it and his answer is he hasn't planned it so nothing can be done. Basically shut up he's going. I'm really really angry about it all to be honest. AIBU?

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/02/2016 15:56

If you looked through my phone messages I would passcode everything as well.

If the issue is you not having help tell him he has to facter you having help into the cost

liletsthepink · 14/02/2016 15:57

It doesn't sound like this man is ready to be married. He has told you that he is going away for this holiday whether you are ok with it or not. He isn't respectful towards you and even though you have told him you are unhappy he won't change his plans.

I think you should cancel or at least postpone this wedding.

JohnLuther · 14/02/2016 15:58

And yes if my wife snooped I'd change my passwords too.

pinkcan · 14/02/2016 16:00

I agree with being careful with the money. People who win money can burn through the likes of (let's say) £2m pretty easily. You are only 28 and your ds is only 3.

You could live another 50 years. "Basic" expenses for a moderate house, car, bills, food, children's gear, repairs will easily be £20k per year, which over the next 50 years is £1m.

"Reckless" spending like spending £20k in one go for stag/hen dos will easily mount up. A new car here and there - £10k-£80k depending on how much cash you are splashing.

Putting a dc through private school, let's say £200k. Another kid, £400k.

Basically what I'm saying is that I hope you have several million pounds otherwise he/you will burn through it. Even if I had several million pounds Envy I just could not spend £10k on a stag/hen. I would have to put money in accounts for ds to go to university/deposit on a first home etc. Or get a buy to let property so your ds had a guaranteed home to live in when he grew up. Or something that is tangible.

Original poster
here4help88 · 14/02/2016 16:02

It's an unimaginable amount of money. I'll leave it at that.

OP posts:
Sparklycat · 14/02/2016 16:03

Gosh that'll cost at least 3 grand when you factor in spending money! Can any of his mates actually afford to take time off and go too? I wouldn't let my hub if he'd been invited to something like that.

NewLife4Me · 14/02/2016 16:04

We had a child before we were married and dh said no to a stag do as family money came first.
He did get one of those driver things with his best man though, which he really enjoyed.
I hate a few drinks with friends it was a lovely night and one I'll treasure forever.
I'd be angry with stbh as he should have told them from the offset what he would and wouldn't like. Sounds like he knew something like this would happen and how he'd squirm out of it.
I used to hear similar in the pub 2 mates talking about something one of their Mrs's wouldn't be happy about and the inevitable comment "Don't worry she'll come round".

OP, I'd be surprised if your stbh doesn't know, or have a very good idea.
They are playing you for a fool.

Guitargirl · 14/02/2016 16:10

To be honest I am not really seeing the problem as long as the trip wouldn't be leaving you in the lurch as regards childcare.

You can obviously more than afford it. Plan something lovely for your hen.

I don't know the passwords for DP's phone, laptop, etc. And he doesn't for mine. It wouldn't occur to me to ask.

Northernlurker · 14/02/2016 16:12

Hmmmm what do Amsterdam and Las Vegas have in common.....oh yes the prostitutes!

It doesn't sound like you can trust your husband to be OP. Think very carefully.

landrover · 14/02/2016 16:18

I would be seriously tempted to ask your in inlaws or parents to look after baby and jet off to surprise him half way through the holiday! (but I'm mean like that! Smile

affogato · 14/02/2016 16:18

"Life doesn't stop just because you're a parent." that's ridiculous - who is looking after the little one while he is away? OP. My husband does a similar trip every year. He knows it's a big ask but it doesn't eat into our holiday time or our finances so I go along with it. However I would have been bitterly unhappy with a stag in Vegas (he's been golfing there). There is a very seedy underbelly and 8 days is plenty long enough to get stuck right in. I wouldn't be happy at all .

LuluJakey1 · 14/02/2016 16:20

DH and I went out for a meal with a few respective friends and came home together. I think we spent less than £70 between us and we were tucked up in bed with cups of tea by 11 pm.
Pair of miseries.

passmethewineplease · 14/02/2016 16:21

YANBU. What happened to just a night out for stab/hens.

Now it's weekends/weeks which also cost a bomb for people to attend!

NameChange30 · 14/02/2016 16:21

"at the end of my tether about many things and I'm ready to walk out of this house right now. Screw the marriage and the money and everything else I've just about had a guts full."

"We have a lot of arguments where he calls me controlling"

These are the big issues IMO. The disagreement about the length of his stag do is just a symptom of the bigger issues.

It sounds as if you're unhappy with him. You don't trust him, hence wanting to check his messages etc, and instead of reassuring you and showing you that you have nothing to worry about it, he accuses you of being "controlling" Hmm

I think you should trust your gut instinct. If your gut instinct is that he might cheat (and with a best friend who actively encourages cheating, I wouldn't be surprised) then you're not crazy or jealous or controlling.

blindsider · 14/02/2016 16:22

If he wanted to live a single life he could leave today and buy a new house and set up a bachelor pad at the drop of a hat but he's still here with me and our son

Maybe this is the bit you should be focusing on??

I agree it is a bit over the top, but it sounds like you have just come into a lump of money(not sure who - lottery?) and it is all a bit new and wondrous, it is hardly surprising that his mates have dreamed up a thoroughly gauche extravaganza with a hefty financial input from your fiancé

CallieTorres · 14/02/2016 16:24

If you have a lot of money, then why dont you pay to have some help while he is away?

Or is that not the problem? as you have 'an unimaginable amount' - then it would seem that the problem is somewhere else....

AcrossthePond55 · 14/02/2016 16:24

To be honest this comes from me being at the end of my tether about many things and I'm ready to walk out of this house right now. Screw the marriage and the money and everything else I've just about had a guts full.

I think the above speaks volumes. But it's your decision OP.

If I were you I'd have a cheap dinner down the pub for my hen do. And I'd put the rest of that £10K in the bank in a secret account as a 'fuck you fund' (i.e. money set aside when you've had enough and want out). I think you're going to need it.

NameChange30 · 14/02/2016 16:25

Have you planned a honeymoon btw? Are you going on a big trip together? If not I would find it a bit worrying that he wants to go away with his friends and not with you.

SirVixofVixHall · 14/02/2016 16:29

NO group of single and or/serial cheating men go the Amsterdam "for the cafes". Or Las Vegas for the casinos come to that. They go to have a riotous time with no ties involving prostituted women. We went to Amsterdam as a family, for a friend's wedding (she lived there) and it was lovely, really beautiful, but that isn't why your bloke and his pals are going. "The cafes". Ffs.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 14/02/2016 16:32

You don't sound like you like him all that much. Snooping on him shows there's no trust and I'd password protect my things if I had no privacy.

Why are you getting married? To ensure financial security?

Childcare wise, is there a reason you can't cope without him for ten days? It's not a huge amount of time.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2016 16:34

If there is an "unimaginable amount of money" then there is going to be many more lads trips to notorious drug and sex industry meccas

I don't envy you that as he is obviously waaaay into it and is going to continue to surround himself with enabling hangers on.

I am not sure what you do about it. Accept this is how your marriage is going to be and hope the Hugh Hefner lifestyle loses its shine eventually ? There is not enough money in the world to justify that for me.

Incidentally, if there is so much dosh why don't you have a small army of domestic help to ease the pain of 10 days on your own with a 3yo ?

silverfoxofwarwick1952 · 14/02/2016 16:38

It's an unimaginable amount of money. I'll leave it at that.

No it isnt. No amount is unimaginable. Even though it is OK to spend £10k each on a honeymoon, just remember oil Sheiks and sovereign wealth funds run to budgets. It sounds like life may throw you both some twists and turns for experience sake, at some cost along the way.

I wish you well OP, and if you can try to lock some of this wealth away now if you can, irrevocably. There are ways.

SuperFlyHigh · 14/02/2016 16:39

I wouldn't marry him. End of. Or I'd marry him and see a divorce lawyer for as and when you divorce.

It sort of seems to me that your DH thinks he can do what he wants when he wants with this money (and presumably cheat on you if he doesn't get found out). I personally wouldn't want to be married to him even with a young child and I'd get out now. Can you imagine being married forever like this and being paid off/bought off with trinkets whilst he shags around? Because this is what he's doing.

silverfoxofwarwick1952 · 14/02/2016 16:40

By the way OP you have most probably identified yourself by now.

SuperFlyHigh · 14/02/2016 16:42

I also think that your spidey senses (intuition) is kicking in hence you being nervy about spending time alone with your DS or hiring help (friends of mine often talk about hiring a nanny to help care for their 3 year old girl twins and 6 year old son when they go away on short trips and grandma can't stay).

You're scared he'll do something stupid like cheat. And there's a backstory re the passwords etc I'll bet. You don't check passwords/PCs etc unless you're suspicious and he's given you cause for concern. In my book anyway.

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