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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

H2B wants 8 days stag-do

258 replies

here4help88 · 14/02/2016 13:36

H2B left the stag-do plans to his best man who has planned an 8 day trip to Las Vegas. I think this is ridiculous as it will have to be 9 days (possibly 10) as they need to stay overnight in London due to flight times. I think this is an absolute piss take, that's a holiday not a stag party and we have a three year old. I've tried to talk to him about it and his answer is he hasn't planned it so nothing can be done. Basically shut up he's going. I'm really really angry about it all to be honest. AIBU?

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 14/02/2016 20:37

"at the end of my tether about many things"

What things?

Original poster

here4help88 · 14/02/2016 20:38

Maybe I'm just bizarre then, that's all I can say.

I know it's hard to understand without knowing the facts but the first thing we did was make sure that our son (and any future children) would be comfortable and locked the vast majority of the money away in trust. We are not frivolous even though it may appear that way and completely see why it would, we wanted to treat our friends as they wouldn't have been able to afford to go away if we weren't paying and flights and accommodation especially during the summer months really mount up quickly.

I agree there are issues we need to discuss as lots has come out in this thread. I really appreciate everyone's input.

OP posts:

Original poster

here4help88 · 14/02/2016 20:41

I think when you start posting and are angry/emotional lots of things come out. I know there are issues in our relationship but I also know there are in most relationships. I'm not saying this is all normal and I agree things do need to be discussed and sorted before getting married but I will say no relationship is prefect - I know ours is far from it and we need to communicate and work through things. I think I will suggest couples counselling.

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 14/02/2016 20:42

I know a happily married - as far as I can tell - couple, with two small children. Each of them spend one month per year on their own, while the other one takes care of the children.

There is no one universal "right" number of days to spend away from your family - different people prefer different things and make different arrangements. The fact that your partner is willing to stay 10 days away from you and your child doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.

Also, he wasn't inconsiderate - he didn't set this up. Yes, he's willing to go along with his friends' plans. But I think you are rather controlling, to be honest.

NameChange30 · 14/02/2016 21:17

I think couple's counselling would be a really good idea. Good luck and enjoy your hen do and wedding! and spending lots of money

Bearbehind · 15/02/2016 05:55

I agree this is all very strange- all this fuss over 3 days given he was only ever going for 8 days which became 10 with flights then he's now going for 5 days which will become 7 with flights

Pseudo341 · 15/02/2016 08:23

I think the one thing that would be a red flag for me is that he was apparently happy to spend 10 days away while expecting OP to mange DS alone (glad to hear he's toned it down now), but clearly has no intention of looking after their DS himself if OP goes away. Whatever kind of partner/husband he may or may not be, he seems like a pretty crap father IMO.

LagunaBubbles · 15/02/2016 08:29

Only just realised he's paying for all his friends to!

Original poster

here4help88 · 15/02/2016 08:34

He's told the best man that it's 5 days in total, not 5 days plus overnight stays.

He is a great dad, I think that's actually one of his best qualities. Yes he would get his mother in to help and not have the stress of looking after our son alone (he's lucky his mum is retired) but I don't think that makes him a terrible dad.

Thank you for all the replies, I feel it's a positive outcome and as others have said there are other issues that need addressing. I really like the fact there are so many conflicting opinions from so many different people. It gave me a lot to think about! Thank you everyone :)

OP posts:

FelicityFunknickle · 15/02/2016 08:35

Well those extra three days should make all the difference
Tbh, I am confused about what your oroblem was. As you say you didn't object to him going to Vegas, or to Amsterdam, and you say you have no problem with being alone with your dc for 10 days (not really arduous tbh)
Anyway. Glad u r happy. Good luck. Have fun.

BertrandRussell · 15/02/2016 08:54

OP could have gone for 10 days too. OP could have asked for help from Grandma too. But chose not to. So her dp isn't allowed to either. And she asks why he thinks she's controlling.........

Me? I wouldn't care how long he went for- but I would sure as hell want to know exactly what he was planning to do in Vegas and Amsterdam.

Some skewed priorities here!

FelicityFunknickle · 15/02/2016 09:07

Yes I think I have a similar view bertrand

MorrisZapp · 15/02/2016 09:14

It's not controlling at all to want your partner to share the load with your small child.

My DP loves golf trips, I love shopping / cultural trips but we have a young child so until he is older, we limit solo trips to two nights usually.

A stag do can stretch to four or five nights with flights, but ten would be unacceptable to most people surely?

And if the groom has told the best man 'arrange whatever you like, for as long as you like' then it absolutely is his fault. No woman on this earth would leave their three year old for ten days because their bridesmaid told them to.

FelicityFunknickle · 15/02/2016 09:26

Fair point morris

JizzyStradlin · 15/02/2016 09:34

I know you said money isn't the thing OP, but I don't see how this would come in at under 10k? Especially with the longer break initially planned. If he's paying for accommodation and flights I guess that would cover it, but if they're all potless otherwise they're not going to have money to spend while they're there, are they? Would've thought he'd end up going over that amount even if he doesn't plan to.

BertrandRussell · 15/02/2016 09:52

"It's not controlling at all to want your partner to share the load with your small child."
No. But there are another 354 days in the year!

BertrandRussell · 15/02/2016 09:53

And the OP has chosen not to have a 10 day break herself. If it wasn't reciprocal then I could see the point.

MissBattleaxe · 15/02/2016 10:19

It's not just about leaving his partner to care for their DS alone, its his eagerness to be away from his 3 year old that wouldn't go down well with me. Holidays without children, business trips...whatever. But approx 10 days away from my son is something that personally, I could never do unless it was absolute necessity.

This man will not change once he wears a wedding ring. Guaranteed.

FelicityFunknickle · 15/02/2016 10:35

I agree with that battleaxe as I already said, I'm not a fan of the lads holiday approach.
But if I was OK woth a week I can't see why O would not be OK with a week and a half.
We are all different though.

tkndnv · 15/02/2016 10:47

I actually think this is fine, provided you get similar time off to go away with your friends/by yourself/whatever you choose. DP and I always have time with our mates, he's going off with his friends for a week this summer and I have five days cycling in Corsica with mine.

As long as things are fair I don't see the issue.

FedoraTheExplora · 15/02/2016 10:58

Have an unbelievably luxurious hen somewhere amazing with your friends (Caribbean?). I'm jealous! Oh to be rich

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2016 13:31

Is it just me that thinks the Amsterdam trip is the bigger problem or have I misread the plan?

BeautyIsTruth · 15/02/2016 14:14

OP that's not what you said on page 2 re his mum staying. You said he would get her to come and stay "so he does nothing." That doesn't make him sound like a great dad to me.

I'm glad you've found an outcome that you're happy with though.

FeralBeryl · 15/02/2016 15:25

Here4Help I'm glad you've managed to resolve this. I think a lot of us are answering without being able to put ourselves in your enviable situation.
I really think I would have been tempted to entertain the idea of a string of holidays to treat friends if I had the means, it's easy to get swept away without considering 'real life' when your real life has changed so dramatically. Love the idea of you and the hens crashing the Vegas trip with a nanny in tow!
I am a massive anti snooper, I've always said to DH that if I felt the need to snoop on his phone it would be over. I have, rather hypocritically flicked through his phone (in front of him, because mine was on charge) and had a bit of a nose but I see that as different to actively suspecting I would find nudeys or messages from other women if that makes sense.
Anyway, I'm rambling. Glad you're ok.

Lightbulbon · 15/02/2016 15:50

This is a bit of a cautionary tale for all those who dream about winning the lottery- it isn't a passport to a perfect life.

Op what do you think happens in strip clubs? I don't see it as different from paying for a prostitute. The women only make money by doing paid for lap dances where they are gyrating in your dps face with a g string on. How can you be happy about that in a relationship?

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