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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2B wants 8 days stag-do

258 replies

here4help88 · 14/02/2016 13:36

H2B left the stag-do plans to his best man who has planned an 8 day trip to Las Vegas. I think this is ridiculous as it will have to be 9 days (possibly 10) as they need to stay overnight in London due to flight times. I think this is an absolute piss take, that's a holiday not a stag party and we have a three year old. I've tried to talk to him about it and his answer is he hasn't planned it so nothing can be done. Basically shut up he's going. I'm really really angry about it all to be honest. AIBU?

OP posts:
3WiseWomen · 14/02/2016 16:43

Honestly?
If yooiu have that much money available, then I would be thinking VERY carefully how you want to use it. And £10k on a stag do isn't the way to do it.
Because atm you are looking at him leaving you alone with your (his and yours) dc for 10 days. Once.

but it will just carry on as the money will just be there. He'll go away wo a thought about you or his dc. Just to have 'a bit of fun'.
And then he'll go over whatever the limits you gave yourself expense wise and tell you you are controllin etc etc.

And the money will just disappear..... on the top of him disapearing.

JohnLuther · 14/02/2016 16:44

OP said she was curious when she snooped, not suspicious and I'm guessing she didn't find anything.

Cellardoor1 · 14/02/2016 16:45

How many are going on the stag? If it's more than a few then £10k really won't go very far if you are paying for everything. Flights alone will be £700-1000 per person. I presume they want the full vegas experience if there is money to burn? it's going to work out at lot more than 10k in that case.

SecretNameTime · 14/02/2016 16:47

Im not sure if I have missed something but have you sat down and discussed this properly with him? It sounds like you have only briefly addressed it with him in passing Iyswim Confused

DoreenLethal · 14/02/2016 16:49

OP - why are you marrying someone who is evidently not the right person for you?

Cellardoor1 · 14/02/2016 16:51

Also, I agree with others who have said this money will be burned through quickly if he wants this kind of lifestyle. I shudder to think how many more extravagant lads trips he will splash out on in the years to come, leaving you at home. There's no need for it

Sweetandsour93 · 14/02/2016 16:51

Think carefully about things OP, my ex had friends very much like the ones you describe - all single, treated women badly and they fitted very much into the who LAD stereotype. Even worse one was particularly horrible and misogynistic, he hated the fact ex was in a long term relationship and eventually it broke us apart. Lads holidays, along with questionable behaviour became a very regular thing and I walked away in the end because he was becoming just like them. He is still trying to get back into my life but he now smokes weed regularly and seems more and more like his mates. The money in your situation makes it hard to rein anything in as finances don't come into it, I think you need to have a long talk with him and see where you stand.

Sweetandsour93 · 14/02/2016 16:52

*whole LAD

Kreacherelf · 14/02/2016 16:52

In jealous of your husband! Sounds like an awesome holiday!

ThorsLady · 14/02/2016 16:55

Fuck me sideways.
What do you expect when you've got an unbelievably stupid budget of 10k for a STAG DO?!
Doesn't matter how much you've won if you go through life spending like that it'll burn out very quickly not to mention put a strain on your marriage.

You gave his best man £10k and said here plan a stag do & you are genuinely surprised that they're going to Vegas for a 10 day long holiday.
You keep moaning about his best man being a serial cheater & it sounds like you're paranoid your H2B will do the same kind of thing.

Seeing as you've buckets of money falling out your ears, plan a week long holiday for you and your friends, and stop moaning about such a ridiculous luxury.

And yes, before anyone mentions it I am extremely jealous of your fortune.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 14/02/2016 16:56

Just because Vegas can be seedy it doesn't mean that op's p will be,necessarily.London also has a seedy side and I go out there regularly.I haven't succumbed to vice just yet! its possible he will just go and get drunk and have a good time for 8 days without shagging a prostitute and waking up with a tiger in his bathroom!
I wouldn't see the problem with the 8 or 10 days particularly-lots of my friends have gone away for their 40ths for a week. I often go to benicassim festival abroad for 6 days or so.I miss the DD's whilst I'm away but I still want to go because I have a good time going and I come back refreshed and better able to be a good parent because I've had a break.i am lucky to be able to do that I realise and I also realise that not everyone needs that or would approve of that really-but each to their own.when Ive been away H and the DD's have been fine-likewise when H has been away.
I guess the issue is that you aren't happy with it and he's going anyway. So you are coming at it from two different view points which are unlikely to change over the life time of your relationship.
Sorry OP.Its pretty shitty that what should be a lovely time of celebration (worry free financially which is the dream) is being derailed by his (best mans) plans, whatever the right or wrong of the length of the trip is.

Cellardoor1 · 14/02/2016 17:05

Why don't you make it a joint stag and hens? If money is no object you can hire a nanny for a week to be available for babysitting when needed. That way you both get to have an amazing holiday and don't need to feel guilty. But reign in the spending after the wedding!

HeddaGarbled · 14/02/2016 17:05

I have a bit of a different view on this. Am I right in thinking he has recently come into a large sum of money - lottery win or something like that? If that happened to me, I think I would want to splash out and have a few major treats, especially if I hadn't been very well off before. 5 days in Amsterdam with a bunch of mates is a fairly low key treat and something that lots of men would do before they settled down into married life and a future of family holidays. The expensive stag holiday is more like it. One big blow out before the wedding. How sad to have a big win and not indulge yourself because you have to be sensible. He's got the rest of his life to be sensible.

I think you need to find yourself something that will be an equal treat for you. I understand about you not wanting to be away from your child for too long. If this is a genuine one off, I don't think he's being outrageous in not feeling the same way that you do. Find something mega which fits your wishes and don't be a martyr.

NuckyT · 14/02/2016 17:13

And there's a backstory re the passwords etc I'll bet. You don't check passwords/PCs etc unless you're suspicious and he's given you cause for concern.

Perfectly OK to invade your partner's privacy, then.

AnnieOnnieMouse · 14/02/2016 17:24

time for the almighty argument, I reckon - both sides of all this need an airing before getting married

DrDreReturns · 14/02/2016 17:28

£10k on a stag do? The world's gone mad.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/02/2016 17:31

Trust makes a relationship

Both DF and I know each ones FB passwords and phone codes and email passwords - but we wouldn't ever go and snoop and read without each other's permission

Tho we have both logged on with knowledge if needed to - ie to check an email or whatever

I would advise trust funds being set up for your children which can't be touched till an adult

Can you spend what you like? Does he budget you? Can you put some money away

Maybe if you and BF told him he was going to Vagas for 10days he would object?

At the moment he doesn't know does he? So not his fault iyswim

BertrandRussell · 14/02/2016 17:35

I obviously have no idea what the backstory is, but am always baffled when people say they can't look after their children- or in this case child-for 10 days without help.

And if my dp "just flicked through" my messages "out of curiosity" I'd be changing my passwords too!

diddl · 14/02/2016 17:35

It's not so much the location though is it?

Just the pissing off & expecting Op to look after their child day & night for 10 days.

Yes, she could do the same, but she doesn't want to leave their son & him(?) for so long and I should think is hurt that he can do seemingly without a backward glance.

Original poster
here4help88 · 14/02/2016 17:39

I'm perfectly capable of looking after our son for 10 days (I mistakenly typed can't earlier rather than can but did correct it in the next post). Diddl pretty much has it in one.
And no I didn't suspect anything or find anything, like I said it was just out of curiosity.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 14/02/2016 17:41

So you think it's OK to look through somebody else's private stuff if you're "curious"? Hmm

JohnLuther · 14/02/2016 17:42

But what sparked your curiosity? If it was honestly nothing then I'm not surprised he's changed the passwords.

Viviennemary · 14/02/2016 17:42

I'd usually say this was fine too. And if he wants to go away for 8 days then OK as long as you can do the same. but what isn't fine is that he is taking for granted that you want that kind of relationship where it's OK to go on holiday singly with a group of friends without the other person. You're already in a relationship even if you're not married and he is paying no attention to you wishes. I'd be thinking about calling it a day. I don't think I'd buy the story of the arrangemnts being made and nothing to be done. What a nice excuse. Don't fall for it.

ilovesooty · 14/02/2016 17:43

I'd change my passwords too if my partner did that.

It doesn't sound as though there's much respect from either side really.

Original poster
here4help88 · 14/02/2016 17:52

Everyone is different. This thread has seen a whole mix of replies. Some thing it's perfectly fine and can't see a problem with it other have said they'd be very very pissed off etc and would even think about cancelling the wedding. We all have different opinions and values

OP posts:
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