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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

H2B wants 8 days stag-do

258 replies

here4help88 · 14/02/2016 13:36

H2B left the stag-do plans to his best man who has planned an 8 day trip to Las Vegas. I think this is ridiculous as it will have to be 9 days (possibly 10) as they need to stay overnight in London due to flight times. I think this is an absolute piss take, that's a holiday not a stag party and we have a three year old. I've tried to talk to him about it and his answer is he hasn't planned it so nothing can be done. Basically shut up he's going. I'm really really angry about it all to be honest. AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

here4help88 · 14/02/2016 15:14

He says they're going to Amsterdam for the drugs and that's all they're interested in.

He doesn't know about Vegas so I can't ask him their plans etc for that

OP posts:

Bearbehind · 14/02/2016 15:14

Its a really difficult situation- if it wasn't for the money he wouldn't be able to behave like this but the fact you're so unhappy means it's not worth staying just for the money.

It's a pretty dangerous situation; a best man who's a cheat as a wing man for someone with cash to burn in probably the 2 most promiscuous cities in the world.

Stripyhoglets · 14/02/2016 15:15

I think it's inevitable that with a cheating best man and all single friends, that it's inevitable that you H2B will be unfaithful on one or both of these trips. You have to decide if you can live with this and marry him, or split and hopefully meet someone who won't want this lifestyle. As the money is his then it's going to be hard to object to these holidays in the future as well.

araiba · 14/02/2016 15:15

so why are you marrying this millionaire that you don't like?

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/02/2016 15:17

Crossed posts

You have answered your own questions

Fairenuff · 14/02/2016 15:18

If he wanted to live a single life he could leave today and buy a new house and set up a bachelor pad at the drop of a hat but he's still here with me and our son.

Only because you allow him to do what he wants anyway.

chocorabbit · 14/02/2016 15:18

So his friend can have a say and get to decide but his W2B can't??? He can marry him!

Original poster

here4help88 · 14/02/2016 15:18

I do like him, I love him very much. It's essentially his money but he's always said it's ours and made it clear that if we ever divorced in the future half would be mine.

I hate to think that's his cheating is inevitable. Everyone has a choice

OP posts:

Bearbehind · 14/02/2016 15:19

I don't know what their plans are in Vegas other than a sky dive but I do know all his friends will struggle with spending money while they're there so they won't be gambling very much at all.

Unless you gamble in Vegas there's very little else to do and it's all very expensive. The shows are upwards of £100 per person, drinks are only free if you're gambling, food isn't cheap.

If his friends a short of cash they'll have a really shit time over 8 days in Vegas unless your OH stumps up the funds to resolve that- I bet I can guess what'll happen.

BillSykesDog · 14/02/2016 15:19

I think it's inevitable that with a cheating best man and all single friends, that it's inevitable that you H2B will be unfaithful on one or both of these trips.

What a stupid thing to say. What if he's just simply not a cheat? Would you say that a woman who went away with a group of friends, one of whom had been unfaithful, would inevitably cheat?

I think it's a stupid situation, but I don't think it's a given he'd cheat. I wouldn't be happy about my DH going away for that long for the second time while I was left holding the baby. But I wouldn't worry he'd cheat.

JohnLuther · 14/02/2016 15:21

Of course him cheating is not inevitable! Imagine if I said that about a woman on here FFS.

Original poster

here4help88 · 14/02/2016 15:23

I actually suggested to him that he could go to Vegas but he said he was leaving it all to his best man. I don't have a problem with him going to Vegas just with him going for what will be 10 days away. I've questioned him on his friends spending money but he dismisses it and says they know they have to bring their own spending money wherever they go

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Scarydinosaurs · 14/02/2016 15:24

I'm really sad for you. This sounds like a truly crap situation for you. Ten days with a three year old is not fun. I'm sorry that this has come up now.

I think you need to have a proper conversation putting it in the context to him that: his friend isn't a person whose morals reassure you, ten days is too long to be away from your family, his inability to discuss your concerns is upsetting you. Make it clear how close you feel to backing out of the relationship/wedding.

I really hope you manage to explain to him just how desperate you feel.

Original poster

here4help88 · 14/02/2016 15:25

His best man being a serial cheater who has no responsibilities obviously doesn't think h2b spending 10 days away from his family is too much - why would he? But my h2b should have explained to him it's much too long. Even 7 days would be too long, surely a long weekend is enough???

OP posts:

araiba · 14/02/2016 15:25

I hate to think that's his cheating is inevitable. Everyone has a choice

ignore that poster. they have no idea what they're talking about. or they don't know what inevitable means. either way, ignore them

Trills · 14/02/2016 15:29

10 days is a long time.

Theladyloriana · 14/02/2016 15:30

Imagine having that much money! And being such a twat. Your partner op, not you.

Be careful with the money- it's not limitless. Make sure your son is protected and put uni money/ house deposit where he can't piss it up to wall.

Theladyloriana · 14/02/2016 15:31

Your partner, not your son.

diddl · 14/02/2016 15:31

Of course it's not a given that he will cheat.

I'd be upset that he wanted to go away for so long & that he was saying that there was nothing he could do because that's the way the best man had arranged it.

It's such an opportunity that you both have with the money available.

But thoughtfulness towards each other, your son & compromise are also possible!

Original poster

here4help88 · 14/02/2016 15:35

Thank you for all the kind replies, I really appreciate everyone taking their time to give their opinions and advice.

We have a lot of arguments where he calls me controlling, for instance his phone, laptop and computer having passwords on them that I'm not allowed to know because I will snoop through his things. So this just adds to the list of controlling things I'm doing. The 5 day trip to Amsterdam doesn't count though obviously because it doesn't fit his narrative.

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Sallyingforth · 14/02/2016 15:40

A lot of messy expensive divorces would be avoided if people didn't ignore red flags like this and pressed on regardless.

Your marriage should be about the two of you and your DC. It's actually going to include the best man, who will be pulling all the strings.

I could suggest you tell DH2B to choose between you and his mate, but ultimatums always leave resentment.

If you do decide to accept this behaviour and stay with him, married or not, you should insist on him having full STI tests after each trip with his mates before you have sex with him. But I hope you will take the sensible advice you have been given above.

JohnLuther · 14/02/2016 15:40

Have you snooped through his things before? All of my devices have passwords etc but my wife knows them. It'd be a different story if she started snooping though.

Bearbehind · 14/02/2016 15:47

If you do decide to accept this behaviour and stay with him, married or not, you should insist on him having full STI tests after each trip with his mates before you have sex with him.

OMFG -Really

How the fuck is that conducive to a loving and trusting relationship?

You might as well say 'you can do what you like as long as you don't catch anything'

Original poster

here4help88 · 14/02/2016 15:53

I've previously flicked through his messages, just out of curiosity really rather than anything else. Yes I know it's wrong.

OP posts:

JohnLuther · 14/02/2016 15:55

Why? Have you had a suspicion that something is going on?

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