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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2B wants 8 days stag-do

258 replies

here4help88 · 14/02/2016 13:36

H2B left the stag-do plans to his best man who has planned an 8 day trip to Las Vegas. I think this is ridiculous as it will have to be 9 days (possibly 10) as they need to stay overnight in London due to flight times. I think this is an absolute piss take, that's a holiday not a stag party and we have a three year old. I've tried to talk to him about it and his answer is he hasn't planned it so nothing can be done. Basically shut up he's going. I'm really really angry about it all to be honest. AIBU?

OP posts:
iminshock · 14/02/2016 14:20

OP, have I inderstood this.?
You each have 10k to spend on stag/ hen do.
You are paying for your friends to come with you. ( that is incredibly generous by the way )
Your best friend is arranging yours, with a 10k budget.
Likewise his.

You agreed all the above .

I really can't see you have a case to complain now. I'd just look forward to your own do and enjoy the fact you are so well off financially.

Original poster
here4help88 · 14/02/2016 14:20

Once again, I don't have a problem with him going away. That's not the issue. I don't have a problem with him going to Vegas. Basically yes, we are very well off and don't have a mortgage or any other finically worries (yes we are unbelievably lucky and I appreciate this every single day - it wasn't always this way).

OP posts:
Inshock73 · 14/02/2016 14:20

Hmmmm this reminds me of my ex fiance. We were together for 14 years altogether and split up in our mid 30's. He had a best friend who I never felt completely comfortable with, he was divorced and I found him to be quite destructive. Anyway, we'd been together for a few years when they started going to Le Mans every year (3-4 day trip), I didn't mind that, another year it was a weekend in Amsterdam, then after we'd been together 9 years, the friend asked him to go to Thailand for 2 weeks, I presumed he wouldn't go as we couldn't afford for us to go on holiday if he went, but they planned the trip anyway. Fast forward 6 months, lots of rows, lots of tears, lots of confusion because I couldn't believe he would go on the holiday if it meant we could no longer plan one together that year and I couldn't understand how he would go when he could see I was so upset over it. Tbh I also found it odd that he was putting his friends feelings before mine. They went on the holiday, he spent shit loads of money, they went to ping pong bars etc etc I have no idea what he got up to over there although friends implied there was a lot I wasn't being told and after 3 more years we split up. My anger at the way he handled it and put his friend before me really gnawed away at me. I guess what I'm trying to say is I think you need to establish whether this is a 'one off' or whether he's open to the idea of future holidays like this and where the boundaries are.

Bearbehind · 14/02/2016 14:20

Another one who can't comprehend how it didn't occur to you that a £10k stag do was going to end up being a fairly long trip abroad Hmm

It's fairly obscene spending that kind of money on frivolitoes like that unless you're are absolutely loaded, in which case I'm sure you'll both be popping off on similar jaunts throughout your married life- just because you can.

NotDavidTennant · 14/02/2016 14:21

If I mentioned that he wanted to live like he as single it would cause an almighty argument and would lead to him telling me I'm totally ridiculous.

So what will happen when you're married and you have to deal with issues like this? Will you just spend the rest of your life having to let him do whatever he likes and not expressing you opinion as it will lead to an "almighty argument"?

RaspberryOverload · 14/02/2016 14:23

If I mentioned that he wanted to live like he as single it would cause an almighty argument and would lead to him telling me I'm totally ridiculous.

You wouldn't be ridiculous. He'd be angry because you'd be telling him the truth.

He's happy to disappear off on jollies, not just this one but Amsterdam and no doubt other future jollies, leaving you with the drudge work and childcare, but if you go off he'd just get his mum in.

Not much of a decent parent there, is he? I'm not impressed with blokes like that.

ImperialBlether · 14/02/2016 14:24

Did you win the lottery, OP?

Original poster
here4help88 · 14/02/2016 14:24

When you are paying for flights and accommodation for friends the costs mount out really quickly (obviously) his friends are all paying for some of their trip or they wouldn't afford it on the 10k.

I suppose I should have considered that he wouldn't think that 10 days away was too long - I was obviously far too naive.

I planned my own hen do, he told his best man to plan his but I think it's just a way of shaking the blame

OP posts:
zipzap · 14/02/2016 14:24

Have you spoken to the best man to find out exactly what dh told him about what he wanted for his stag do and how the discussions generally went - and then move on to how the fuck did they think that 9 days in las Vegas was in any way appropriate? And that he needs to modify his plans to something more appropriate - and if he doesn't then he needs to find £££ from his stag budget to pay for a home help for all that time.

I'd also tell dh that you've decided to take your hen to to Vegas at exactly the same time so that you can both spend half the time while you're out there looking after your dc... And then when he protests you can use it to show exactly how unreasonable he is being. Obviously not expecting you to actually go to Vegas!

Bluetrews25 · 14/02/2016 14:25

He's telling you what he's like.
(I can do what I want, don't try to control me, I'll get some other sucker to do your childcare if you try to dump it on me)
Listen to him

FarinaHuevos · 14/02/2016 14:25

So often, it's the best man to blame for stag party related misdemeanours.Hmm
The H2B as OP puts it, always seems to be a little mouse who meekly goes along with the arrangements...

ilovesooty · 14/02/2016 14:25

Now you've said what the financial situation is I'm with those who think you should probably have expected this to happen with that budget.
I'm interested in what you say his attitude would be if you went away - get his mother in to avoid caring for his child.
Presumably if you're so comfortably off this will happen again and again.

Original poster
here4help88 · 14/02/2016 14:26

Yes

OP posts:
StilettoToTheHeart · 14/02/2016 14:29

OP is what's really bugging you to do with the fact that the people he's going with are a bunch of single friends and you're imagining what they will all be getting up to? Are you not a big fan of his mates?

Original poster
here4help88 · 14/02/2016 14:31

I'm not a big fan of the best man - he's a serial cheater etc but his other mates are nice guys. im annoyed that h2b think its ok and can't understand why I think a ten day stag do is ridiculous

OP posts:
Inshock73 · 14/02/2016 14:32

I should've tagged on to my earlier post - it wasn't the money my ex fiancé spent that upset me the most it was the lack of consideration and I can see parallels. You can clearly afford the trip whereas we couldn't, but the similarity is there in that we both think the trip is excessive. I struggled to accept my ex could be so dismissive of my feelings and to think I was being ridiculous to have an issue with him going, from what you're saying you feel the same. Men can return to being lads when encouraged by their friends, and I should imagine his friends are thrilled to be going on an all expenses paid trip to Vegas but your man is a father and soon to be husband so you should be his main priority. I think you're being completely reasonable. I went to Vegas with a girlfriend for 4 days and tbh it was long enough.

MissBattleaxe · 14/02/2016 14:34

Stiletto- she doesn't have a problem with a later 5 day trip to Amsterdam I think it's the length of the trip now they have a child.

Fairenuff · 14/02/2016 14:34

If I mentioned that he wanted to live like he as single it would cause an almighty argument and would lead to him telling me I'm totally ridiculous.

Why would you want to marry a man if you cannot have a civilised discussion when you don't see eye to eye. What do you think relationships are like, do you think you have to put up and shut up?

This is truly awful OP Sad

DoreenLethal · 14/02/2016 14:37

Perhaps you need to reassess who you are marrying then.

RedToothBrush · 14/02/2016 14:37

The wedding would be being called off if it was me...

Tallulahoola · 14/02/2016 14:37

Are the flights actually booked? If so, use some of the money out of that budget to change them. I'd tell the best man and H2B very firmly that the destination is fine but the length of time is definitely not when you have a child to look after.

I've been to Vegas and struggle to see how anyone could spend so many days there, even if you factor in a trip to the Grand Canyon or whatever. I'd say 5 nights max, doable in 4.

And make sure you book yourself a girls' holiday without him once the honeymoon is out of the way. Preferably at the same time your MIL is away so he has to deal with the childcare on his own Grin

DistanceCall · 14/02/2016 14:38

I'm sorry, but what's the problem? He can afford it, he's self-employed so he can take the time. Is it that you will be staying on your own with your child for 8 days? Or that he's off on a holiday without you?

Personally, I don't think it's so terrible, or a sign that he wants to keep living like a single man. That said, I would feel entitled to take an 8-day holiday (I abhor hen dos) myself.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/02/2016 14:38

10k each on a stag/hen do, course it will be someone exotic/far away

saying that, i wonder how many would go if you werent paying for it Hmm

lets see, i will lose 2 weeks of my holiday entitlement from work BUT i get a free holiday to vagas

yep sure all his friends loved the idea Grin

you are obv very rich as i think spending 20k on a wedding is insane, let alone a hen/stag do

how much will your wedding cost?

so your problem is that hes going away for 10days, why didnt you say a 3/4 weekend somewhere if you didnt want him to go away for so long

Wolpertinger · 14/02/2016 14:39

Best man is a serial cheater?

Las Vegas? Amsterdam? - they are spending 15 days having sex with sex workers. Are you seriously OK with that!

Ignore the cost, length of time, everything else. There is only one reason they are going on these stag dos and it is sex with likely trafficked women.

Inshock73 · 14/02/2016 14:44

Oh honey the more I read your posts the less I would trust the best man. Stag do's are notorious for getting out of hand and that's before you throw a serial cheater and a bunch of single guys in to the mix. I think you're being blindsided by the fact you can afford it. Whether you can afford it is neither here nor there, whether you're happy with it is what matters and you're clearly not so he needs to scale back the plans to a 4/5 day trip.