Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2B wants 8 days stag-do

258 replies

here4help88 · 14/02/2016 13:36

H2B left the stag-do plans to his best man who has planned an 8 day trip to Las Vegas. I think this is ridiculous as it will have to be 9 days (possibly 10) as they need to stay overnight in London due to flight times. I think this is an absolute piss take, that's a holiday not a stag party and we have a three year old. I've tried to talk to him about it and his answer is he hasn't planned it so nothing can be done. Basically shut up he's going. I'm really really angry about it all to be honest. AIBU?

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 14/02/2016 14:46

Unbelievably inconsiderate. No probs with going abroad, why not? But length of time and distance is not on. His friends are single, they aren't parents. He is a parent tho. I don't think being a parent means you can't go on holiday however but, it does change things. He's already planned an Amsterdam break with mates for next month, why does the stag do have to be for 12 days?

Are you going on honeymoon OP? If so Im just wondering when. I know your DH to be is self-employed but Im self-employed and although I have no annual leave to worry about, I can't swan off like that, because money does not make itself and I don't have a monthly salary dropping into my account, so I have to generate my income

Or is the honeymoon not important in comparison with stag and hen do's anyway?

I can only think from what you say you are rich enough to afford all this, that being the case the inconsideration is the main issue. A man that wants to go away with his mates regularly is likely restless about responsibility. Being single is not the same as being in a longterm or marriage, with a child and there's no sense in anyone pretending you can be entirely the same as when you were single, because with that kind of "entitlement" comes a selfishness and arrogance in not wishing to take a partner's feelings into account. Any protest against this kind of thing will lead to the "controlling" arguments normally presented to women so as to deflect the real issues

Sounds like he is going anyway so you may as well enjoy your own hen do, and make it as lavish as you can

Bearbehind · 14/02/2016 14:47

Given that most of us can't begin to imagine being wealthy enough to spend £20k on stag/ hen dos, I think it is hard to comment on this situation.

There are loads of other factors IMO, such as what your day to day lifestyle is, who/ where the wealth came from etc.

If your relationship has always included lots of travelling and if you could do the same thing if you chose to, and he'd look after your child while you did so, I can really see the issue.

I do wonder what the hell he want to go for Vegas for 10 days for though- it's a hell hole.

diddl · 14/02/2016 14:47

So it's the length of time?

He sounds selfish.

Why does he want to be away from you both for so long?

Of course he doesn't have to agree to it all just because the best man has organised it!

ImperialBlether · 14/02/2016 14:49

Can I ask whether the money initially came from you or from him or from the sale/win that affected both of you?

CallieTorres · 14/02/2016 14:51

So why dont you want him to go for 10 days? is it because you will have to look after your DC alone (not bashing you here - cos its bloody hard)

How about a compromise, that his friends put their hands in their pockets a bit and pay for you to have a nanny/home help to do all the extra bits while he is away? a cleaner, etc?

CarrieLouise25 · 14/02/2016 14:56

Personally I can't stand the idea of stag/hen do's (at all), but that's my opinion, and my DH is the same on that score.

Any money we had we put into a fab family holiday together. You're already a family, been together a while, I don't get the whole stag/hen do thing, when you're already a family. It's not like a last night (8 days) of freedom is it?!

But, each to their own Smile

Original poster
here4help88 · 14/02/2016 14:59

Our relationship hasn't ever included lots of travelling - mainly due to finances. The win affected us both but is essentially his money - really really not something I want to go in to.

I think 10 days is too long - why does he want to be away from us for this long? I can't cope with our son and running the house for 10 days, it's not that I wouldn't cope etc. It's that he doesn't think this is any sort of problem and actually thinks it's great. I think he's being tally selfish.

Don't get me started on the best man, not just a serial cheater but actively encourages cheating. He's a nice guy if you meet him though - just has absolutely no morals when it comes to relationships and monogamy if you ask me.

The other guys that are going are nice, but like I said single. I'm worried about the Amsterdam trip, everyone knows it's famous for the red light district but h2b says they're going for the cafes not the prostitutes, I trust him it's just that everyone else is single... I'm not really selling my relationship too well am I

OP posts:
araiba · 14/02/2016 15:00

this 8 day trip has been extended to 12 days by some people...

you cant really go to vegas for the night.. bit far really

so you could have a week away for your hen do but are choosing not to, so dh2b must do the same? sounds pretty controlling

Original poster
here4help88 · 14/02/2016 15:00

Sorry that should have said I can cope not I can't cope

OP posts:
iminshock · 14/02/2016 15:01

Op I completely agree 10 days on a stag do is ridiculous . But probably not if you have agreed a 10 k budget.

I hope your hen do is really great. I'm sure it will be.

I don't agree with all the posters telling you you should leave him and this is a sign of deep and selfish character flaws on his part. Only you will know if that's the case.

I truly believe that great wealth ( and well done you for earning it ) brings about quite unique problems and heartaches that most of us, myself included , don't really understand .

JohnLuther · 14/02/2016 15:02

Where are people getting 10 or 12 days from? It's 8 days.

Original poster
here4help88 · 14/02/2016 15:03

It's 8 days in Vegas plus 2 days in London due to flight times. So that's 10 days away from home.

OP posts:
iminshock · 14/02/2016 15:04

I just tad your update about your wealth being a win.

Well done all the same , what a great thing ! But my remarks about great wealth bringing great problems stand even more.

His friend sounds a right chump. I think most of us relate. My dp is wonderful but is a bit soft in the head around his mates Confused

Bearbehind · 14/02/2016 15:05

When you hear stories like this you realise why people say winning the lottery ruins your life.

It does sound like he wants to use his newfound wealth to party like a young free and single man; the 2 venue choices are evidence of that.

I suspect the stag do is going to be one of many similar scenarios to come- I think you need to seriously consider if this is how you want to live your life- you shouldn't have to spell stuff like this out to him.

3WiseWomen · 14/02/2016 15:05

callie the Op's issue is that she feels 10 days is a loooong time to be on your own looking after their dc on her own. She was expecting her DH to taker into account in planning his trip (ie not too long so its not so hard on her).

In effect she is doing what a lot of women do (and I did) which is to put their dc and Dh first and then organise herself around it (so she chose a rip tyat wasn't too long etc). Whereas he has chosen according to his own pleasure first and hasn't taken anyone else into account (nor his dc, nor his dw and the effect of being away for 10 days will have on them)

Inshock73 · 14/02/2016 15:05

Here I think a lot of people will be able to identify with a best man/friend like that. My ex's best friend had 'screwed up' his marriage as he put it so seemed to intentionally cause trouble and meddle in his friends relationships. However your h2b needs to keep that in check not you. I would definitely lean on him to shorten the trip because I think you're setting a precedent here.

Wolpertinger · 14/02/2016 15:07

It's 8 nights Vegas + 2 nights hotel at Heathrow plus a whole extra stag do of 5 nights Amsterdam.

Total 15!

here2help have you been to Amsterdam? It's really not very nice. You really can't spend 5 nights hanging out in lovely canal side cafes there. It's drugs, sex toys and prostitutes unless you are into history of art Is he into history of art?

Ditto Vegas. One day trip to Grand Canyon. One day shooting stuff. Er...

iminshock · 14/02/2016 15:08

What is your relationship like in general ?
Did the influx of money change it /him?
Do you love and respect each other ?
There are the things that matter.

A 10 day stag is a bummer but having agreed that budget I think you have to go with it ,with him well and focus on your own trip ,which will be amazing ! Grin

Original poster
here4help88 · 14/02/2016 15:08

To be honest this comes from me being at the end of my tether about many things and I'm ready to walk out of this house right now. Screw the marriage and the money and everything else I've just about had a guts full.

OP posts:
iminshock · 14/02/2016 15:09

Well there's your answerSad

Inshock73 · 14/02/2016 15:10

Just read you've won your money - well done! BUT both of you may need to be very grounded and handle friendships very carefully from now on as unfortunately people can take advantage and it sounds like both of you want to share your good fortune with friends. Just make sure they don't take advantage of you both!

araiba · 14/02/2016 15:11

most tourists in amsterdam are too stoned to do anything else

more concerned about finding munchies than dildos and prostitutes...

diddl · 14/02/2016 15:11

Now why isn't that a surprise?

Original poster
here4help88 · 14/02/2016 15:13

I really have had enough, I read all your posts and I know it's right. He is not into art history or as he puts it "just experiencing the culture in Amsterdam" and no I've never been. I don't know what their plans are in Vegas other than a sky dive but I do know all his friends will struggle with spending money while they're there so they won't be gambling very much at all.

I don't feel the money has changed him or is much really, I know he loves me very much that's never been a doubt in my mind. And I him. Our relationship has always been up and down, but we have stuck together and worked through everything. If he wanted to live a single life he could leave today and buy a new house and set up a bachelor pad at the drop of a hat but he's still here with me and our son.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 14/02/2016 15:13

So you I mean he has won a huge amount of money somehow - lottery gambling casino etc

Surely it is both your money?

You are in a relationship

If h2b can't see why going away for 10 days is a problem I'm not sure I would want to be with him

My dh went to Amsterdam for his and BF stag do. They went for 3 days. Long weekend. They sat in cafes. Ate /smoked hash / drank a few beers

One went with a prositute but he was single so not a problem If he wanted to pay

All the others thought he was insane Grin

Vagas. A bit of sight seeing and gambling - 5 days top including travelling