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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be utterly fucked off with children stepmother and ex husband

264 replies

Mycoffeeisblack · 14/02/2016 13:19

We've been amicably divorced for 5 years. Two children, I've only met her on a number of occasions. I've extended invites to the children's parties, school plays etc. She never comes and always has other plans. Like wise with sporting events. She turns up only if Im not going to be there. I went once when I had said I wasn't going to and she had a face like a slapped arse the whole time.

Ex's grandmother died last week. I've known her since I was 17 (over 20 years). She's been sick for a long time and I was visiting her every month with ex MIL in her care home.

So funeral is being planned. Ex had asked me not to attend. He understands I might want to but it would be awkward for him and ex Hmm and he would appreciate me staying away.

I have no interest in causing drama during a shit time for the whole family. I didn't bother replying. MIL called me earlier to talk about the DC going to the funeral etc. She clearly didn't realise I wasn't going so I said what ex had asked and that I would be staying away.

She went mad and said no I'm not having that I'll call him. She's just called back to say that after speaking with ex she thinks it might make things harder for ex and his wife if I am there. She did suggest i could stay in the car, slip in after the service has started and then leave at the end. However ex was concerned the children would want to see me.

I said it was fine. I didn't need to go and don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

However I am utterly fucked off that this woman is allowed to throw her little temper tantrum and effectively ban me from saying goodbye to a lovely woman I've known for over 20 years. I'm fucked off that MIL is pretty much backing her up and not saying actually this is nonsense and if Coffee wants to come she can.

I've never had a crossed word with this woman. Don't argue with ex. I'm not sure what the bloody hell everyone seems so 'uncomfortable' with

OP posts:
ColdAsIceCubes · 14/02/2016 22:44

I have not once, in the 8 years I've been apart from my ex, considered it my place to tell him to step back from his relationship from my parents
I have told them the impact that their choice has on me, but it is their choice

That is your choice, but if the exdh wants the op to back off, he needs to be vocal about that to either her or his dm. If he has approached his dm, and she has (like your parents) decided that she would like contact with the op that's her business. Though the way the tables turned pretty quickly from " Oh no, I'm not having that" to "it would be better if you stayed away" would suggest that this hasn't been discussed before at all.

Branleuse · 14/02/2016 22:44

I would not go to the funeral and stop socialising with your ex mother in law tbh. Its obviously causing insecurity and upset to your exes wife. You dont know how shit hes being to her, she might have good reason to feel insecure even if its not about you.

Id really hate it if my ex stayed pally with my mum, or if my dps ex stayed pally with his family. I think its a bit inappropriate in a lot of cases, and at the very least should be sensitive to the new partners feelings.

Now is really not the time to be making your own personal stand on your place in your exes family

PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/02/2016 22:45

lightbulb In reality - how could you stop it though?

In this case, the OP knows the deceased and when the funeral is, but over time her DC's could well go to the funeral of someone they know via their dad without the OP knowing at

That is one of the sacrifices that separated parents have to make - they no longer know everything that happens in their DC's lives.

My own DD has been to various weddings, funerals, christenings and other events with her Dad - i only know about it if and when he (or now she is older, she) chooses to tell me.

Quoteunquote · 14/02/2016 22:47

PrettyBrightFireflies

Why is it ridiculous?

knowing that his exW would maintain a close personal relationship with his family

So in your world if you get a divorce from your children's other parent, you stop all contact and friendship with the rest of the family?

I'm very good friends with my ex's parents and all the family, something our son has found invaluable over the years, my DH gets on really well with them , It has never crossed anyone minds to exclude anyone from a family event, ands even if it did no one would consider putting our child(now adult) in such a position.

I think it is something you must consider before you start a relationship with someone who has dependants, how you feel about them, and at least discuss it with that adult, that you have jealousy issues that won't allow you to be supportive towards those children/dependants.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/02/2016 22:49

the way the tables turned pretty quickly from " Oh no, I'm not having that" to "it would be better if you stayed away" would suggest that this hasn't been discussed before at all.

I agree - and the blame being put upon the "new" DW also reinforces that.

And while it is shit for the OP, it is absolutely nothing she can influence or change. The OP may well want to carry on her friedship with her exMIL - but the fact that her exMIL may not want to, out of consideration for her DS (or his DW) means that no matter what the OP wants, she may not get it.

YakTriangle · 14/02/2016 22:52

I agree with the poster above who said to take a step back from any involvement with his family. They've made it pretty clear that you're no longer considered family, even when grieving for someone you've known a long time, so stop doing any favours or any work for them free of charge. If MIL stops round when your DC aren't home, tell her it's not appropriate for her to be there.

ColdAsIceCubes · 14/02/2016 22:53

But it's a bit shit to do it now, 5 years after an amicable divorce where everything has been pretty ok between most concerned, and the op has been a support for the exmil. I do hope the op distances herself from the family, and that the ex steps up to provide the continuity for the dcs involved.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/02/2016 22:56

So in your world if you get a divorce from your children's other parent, you stop all contact and friendship with the rest of the family?

In my world if a parent knows that their choice to remain friends with their DCs ex impacts on their DCs wellbeing, then I would expect the parent to reconsider their decision.
As a parent, I certainly would.

I'm very good friends with my ex's parents and all the family, something our son has found invaluable over the years, my DH gets on really well with them , It has never crossed anyone minds to exclude anyone from a family event, ands even if it did no one would consider putting our child(now adult) in such a position.

Are you including your ex in that "anyone"? He's happy that his parents have a close relationship with his parents? If he genuinely is, and that it has never crossed his mind either - then he is a much better person than me. You obviously chose a better parent for your DC's than my exH did.

YakTriangle · 14/02/2016 22:56

Also, there's no way my DC would be going to a funeral for the first time without me. I'd keep them away from it.

Cleensheetsandbedding · 14/02/2016 22:57

Hi op, I've experienced similar although not a funeral and it was a real stab in the back.

You have known this lady a long time and you should be able to go and pay your respects. So do. And if you see your children there speak to them.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/02/2016 23:03

But it's a bit shit to do it now, 5 years after an amicable divorce where everything has been pretty ok between most concerned, and the op has been a support for the exmil

Funnily enough, I think that this is exactly the situation my parents find themselves in. In my case, I didn't tolerate the situation, and they now realise that it's not "all going to work out".

But, while they felt it was too difficult to withdraw from my ex when he and I split, they are now faced with a situation that is even harder - because in the intervening years they and he, like the OP and her MIL, have grown closer and more dependent on each other.

So withdrawing now is worse for both parties than if they'd withdrawn then. Hence the mixed messages that the OP is getting from her MIL about the funeral.

Bubblesinthesummer · 14/02/2016 23:04

Also, there's no way my DC would be going to a funeral for the first time without me. I'd keep them away from it.

So their father gets no say? He has just as much right to say they are going.

Original poster
Mycoffeeisblack · 14/02/2016 23:05

I'm still here and taking in comments. Feel quite shook up really. I hadn't actually come to the realisation that I'm maybe not really wanted by the family anymore other than when useful.

Lots to think about and mull over. I won't be going and will stick with the plan to send flowers and (well dressed) children. SM and SIL will be able to watch them. Ex is doing readings and pallbearing.

OP posts:
PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/02/2016 23:05

Also, there's no way my DC would be going to a funeral for the first time without me. I'd keep them away from it.

Yak - as I asked a PP upthread, how could you stop it? if you and your DC's dad are no longer together - when the Dc's are in his care, he is responsible for how they spend their time.
If he chooses to take them to a funeral, without telling you, then how can you keep them away?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/02/2016 23:07

coffee I'm sorry if my comments have been blunt. Flowers

ReginaBlitz · 14/02/2016 23:07

Have it out with the stupid bitch. That's pathetic behaviour it's a funeral ffs not her wedding. She got with your ex knowing he had kids and an ex wife etc so she should deal with it.

CockwombleJeff · 14/02/2016 23:11

A funeral is an opportunity for you to have closure - if you want / need to go - then you should.

Your ex's partner should not come into this - neither should ex's feelings.

You all knew and cared for this lady - so they should be managing their feelings around the blended family situation aside for that day .

ColdAsIceCubes · 14/02/2016 23:12

OP, as I said previously, you are most definitely a better person than me. Flowers

Cleensheetsandbedding · 14/02/2016 23:12

mycoffee mil may still care about you. I know my exmil does about me but she recently agreed to support ex and his gf on somthing which I think was more to do with keeping the peace than anything.

I think you need to look at the amount of control this woman has over things that influence your life. If it's starting to you issues I'd discuss it directly with her rather than slinking in to the back ground, these are your children and this is a funeral of some one your cared about.

YakTriangle · 14/02/2016 23:15

If he took them without me knowing anything about it in advance, of course I couldn't do anything about it.

The new wife is being incredibly unreasonable, forbidding people who've known the late grandma longer than she has from attending the funeral. Particularly when there's no history of ill feeling between any of them, suddenly conjuring up 'uncomfortableness' to throw her weight around? Really unpleasant behaviour.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/02/2016 23:21

Yak the OP doesn't know it's the DW throwing her weight around - that is what her MIL has said.
It's quite possible that the exH has always been uncomfortable about the situation (as several of us on this thread have been in the same situation) and the funeral has been the trigger for the OP's ex to say something to his mum and the OP about it - and his DW is supporting him.

Or, she could be a bitch and he could just be weak. Although in that case, why is the OP's MIL going along with it?

ColdAsIceCubes · 14/02/2016 23:31

and the funeral has been the trigger for the OP's ex to say something to his mum

He's had 5 years to communicate this to his dm, (and whilst I feel for you and your situation) to do it right before a funeral of someone the op held in high regard is just plain spiteful. The issue could've been dealt with politely after the funeral without upsetting the exmil. The ds in this scenario has been incredibly short sighted and selfish and put his needs above anyone else's.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/02/2016 00:08

Maybe you need to have a frank conversation with ex about your involvement with his family, and how children-related things will work in future. He might feel that you're over involved and that his mum is too reliant on you. Whether that is right or wrong is subjective - you just need to find a way forward that everyone can live with

And therein lays the problems when adults make decisions about their own interpersonal relationships and assume it is ok to make those decisions not only for themselves but for all the other adults in their life.

Just because you divorce someone or remarry someone else it does not mean that you get to dictate to everybody else in your family about how they should or should not interact with the ex.

You do not get to wipe everybody else's slate clean and carry on with your life as if nothing existed before.

Lightbulbon · 15/02/2016 00:24

Pretty- I suppose if the funeral happened to be during a court sanctioned contact time then there's little you could do. Otherwise I'd prevent it.

From the ops posts ESP those about how she facilitates contact with mil suggests to me that the ex isn't a very involved parent who has much contact.

tigerfly · 15/02/2016 08:02

Don't go. Sit quietly and remember the lady privately. Send flowers. Visit grave ever after. Retain your dignity and don't cause anymore upset than there already is. Many people will ask where you were and you can tell them the truth. I'm divorced. I have these issues all the time. My teenage daughter is just about to leave me and go and live with her extraordinaryily rich Dad and SM. I can't fight anymore and neither should you. We've done our best, just concentrate on you and your kids. Be happy knowing you've always done your best x