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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be utterly fucked off with children stepmother and ex husband

264 replies

Mycoffeeisblack · 14/02/2016 13:19

We've been amicably divorced for 5 years. Two children, I've only met her on a number of occasions. I've extended invites to the children's parties, school plays etc. She never comes and always has other plans. Like wise with sporting events. She turns up only if Im not going to be there. I went once when I had said I wasn't going to and she had a face like a slapped arse the whole time.

Ex's grandmother died last week. I've known her since I was 17 (over 20 years). She's been sick for a long time and I was visiting her every month with ex MIL in her care home.

So funeral is being planned. Ex had asked me not to attend. He understands I might want to but it would be awkward for him and ex Hmm and he would appreciate me staying away.

I have no interest in causing drama during a shit time for the whole family. I didn't bother replying. MIL called me earlier to talk about the DC going to the funeral etc. She clearly didn't realise I wasn't going so I said what ex had asked and that I would be staying away.

She went mad and said no I'm not having that I'll call him. She's just called back to say that after speaking with ex she thinks it might make things harder for ex and his wife if I am there. She did suggest i could stay in the car, slip in after the service has started and then leave at the end. However ex was concerned the children would want to see me.

I said it was fine. I didn't need to go and don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

However I am utterly fucked off that this woman is allowed to throw her little temper tantrum and effectively ban me from saying goodbye to a lovely woman I've known for over 20 years. I'm fucked off that MIL is pretty much backing her up and not saying actually this is nonsense and if Coffee wants to come she can.

I've never had a crossed word with this woman. Don't argue with ex. I'm not sure what the bloody hell everyone seems so 'uncomfortable' with

OP posts:
Minniemagoo · 14/02/2016 17:29

Noeuf, you are imo so wrong. My Dad died when DD was 5 and she definately needed both her parents there not a SM.
Having been through funerals with small children there is no way my children would be going without me. It's about them, not the SM, DF, DM or anyone else.

Crabbitface · 14/02/2016 17:33

I'm assuming that nrp stands for non-related parent(??) - in which case it depends very much on the rp and nrp. In my family your statement would not be true.

ThickAsPigShit · 14/02/2016 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SouthWestmom · 14/02/2016 17:38

So Minnie the Op and her ex go together because they have children and stepmum graciously steps aside? Or the dad manages perfectly well outside of mumsnet world? Both parents to do what exactly? I've taken the kids to various funerals, alone or with Dh and I'm not sure they needed 2:1 emotional support.

ThickAsPigShit · 14/02/2016 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 14/02/2016 17:40

I completely agree with Bewitched's post at 15:39. I feel you mil has rather let you down, actually op Sad.

Unless someone has been an absolute arsehole (which I seriously doubt re. our op) then why exclude them from a funeral ffs!

Op's ex and/or his dw are making this all about them when op had a longer relationship with his grandmother than the dw had. Who is she to say op may not go and pay her respects.

I don't blame you for being utterly fucked off, op Flowers

ginandmoregin · 14/02/2016 17:46

I would stay away, out of respect for MIL. But I would be having a frank conversation with exH about how these situations are going to keep happening- weddings, birthdays, sadly other funerals etc, and he and his new wife need to find a way to accept being in your presence!

I would also just be slightly cautious with the impression that it is his new wife who is the one with the problem... You only have his word for it. I find that whenever my exH doesn't want to do something he conveniently blames his GF (who I've never met).

FizzyGood · 14/02/2016 17:47

Do not go. Do not make it awkward for the family.

Minniemagoo · 14/02/2016 17:49

Noeuf, honestly yes I do think the kids come first. There will be many occasions in their lives where their parents are needed more importantly than any other adults in their lives. At that age I do think funerals are upsetting especially as it's their first and both parents should be there. SM will have to suck it up. What happens at graduations, weddings, births. The SM should start being an adult and put the kids first.

originalmavis · 14/02/2016 17:54

I wonder how grandma would feel? I'm sure she'd understand and not want the op to feel unwelcome and uncomfortable at the funeral.

I'm not sure what Id do - tempting to go but what if the new wife makes an undignified scene? That'd be horrible.

But now her card is market with ex mil though isnt it? Make sure people know why you aren't there.

Maybe celebrate grandma's life in your own way & go somewhere she loved, or do something she enjoyed and raise a glass to her. Take her flowers on her birthday and visit the grave alone when you can be with your own thoughts.

Helmetbymidnight · 14/02/2016 17:57

I wouldn't go but I would hold it against them for a very long time.

Idiots.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 14/02/2016 18:00

I think I would go to the service and leave sharpish. It's really unfair but what can you do- you're damned if you go to the whole thing but will be seething with resentment if you don't. I personally suspect your exH is behind this and it says a lot about what an arse he clearly is.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 14/02/2016 18:01

I don't think it's really to do with the children actually.

It is to do with op having to pretend she did not have a close relationship with the deceased. And she's done nothing wrong! So hurtful and disrespectful to exclude her from the funeral like this.

And it's not like she's trying to muscle in on her ex-h's life at all! All of you saying "you don't have a relationship with mil anymore" are being very rigid. She is the mother of mil's dgc!

wallywobbles · 14/02/2016 18:04

I don't think you can really just let it go.

Can you ring and talk to new wife. Don't go through the ex. Say your kids like her, you are glad about that, and that you want to go to the funeral. Can you also say this issue simply isn't going to go away. It will keep coming up again and again for the rest of your lives as there are kids. Would it not be best just to sort it now once and for all? Can she meet you for a quick coffee somewhere neutral. Without ex is important to it working.

Go in with a compliment and take it from there.

Crabbitface · 14/02/2016 18:12

Thanks Thick I'm rubbish at abbreviations.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/02/2016 18:28

And it's not like she's trying to muscle in on her ex-h's life at all! All of you saying "you don't have a relationship with mil anymore" are being very rigid. She is the mother of mil's dgc!

And if the DCs father was dead, or otherwise unable to act as an equal parent, then that would be relevant.
But the OPs DCs have a perfectly capable father who can ensure that they maintain a relationship with his mother, their dgm. The ExMIL doesn't need any kind of relationship with her exDIL, especially not one in which they see each other weekly, she calls her exDIL for favours and views her as an equal member of the family.

I can't understand why a parent would choose to maintain a friendship with their DCs ex, knowing it will at best, create awkwardness in the future, and at worst, lead to total estrangement of their DC. It is as if their friendship with the Ex is more important than their own DCs happiness and emotional wellbeing.

veryseriousgirl · 14/02/2016 18:33

It is as if their friendship with the Ex is more important than their own DCs happiness and emotional wellbeing.

Or as though the DC's ex is still a parent to their grandchildren, and it makes things easier on everyone if there is a warm, supportive relationship there if there can be...

PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/02/2016 18:44

I'm not sure why "the parent of their grandchildren" requires support from ex-parent-in-laws, though?

The couple have split. They disagree on things. By supporting the exDIL, the parents are sending a clear message to their own DS that their support for him is not unconditional. That causes, at best, awkwardness at times. At worse, it leads to the situation I am in, totally breakdown in the relationship between the adult DC and their parents.

Original poster
Mycoffeeisblack · 14/02/2016 18:51

Pretty

Because we have a geniune friendship forged over a long period of time. Should we just not be friends because SM doesn't like it.

Say for example his wife didn't care one jot if we were friends and if I came to the funeral. Would it be ok then? Who would benefit from us not being friends? The ex?

She picks the DC up from school two days a week and brings them home. Should I stop her at the door and not speak with her. Or can I be friends up to a point agreed by ex and his wife?

OP posts:
veryseriousgirl · 14/02/2016 18:53

Because it's in the best interest of the grandchildren to not feel like they have to chose sides after a divorce?

If one (or both) of the exes are behaving unreasonably, then I can see your argument, but if (and OPs post suggests this is the case) everyone is on amicable terms, there is no reason to draw stark lines of "us" and "them..."

PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/02/2016 19:12

coffee it's not about you - it's their Relationship with their son which can potentially be damaged.

Yes, I think that if an adult DC says to his parents "your relationship with my ex upsets me because of x,y or z" then if they continue to maintain that relationship without considering or acting on their DCs feelings, then they are choosing their own friendships over their DCs wellbeing.

You may want to be friends - it's up to them to say that it's no longer appropriate because it's damaging their relationship with their DS.

As you've experienced, if there are blurred boundaries and undpoken resentments, they can come out at times of heightened emotion, like funerals.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/02/2016 19:14

And why in Earth would the DGc feel like they have to take sides, serious?

Their dad facilitates them spending time with his parents, their mum facilitates them spending time with hers.

coconutpie · 14/02/2016 19:20

I think you should be at the funeral. Go. She has no right to demand you not be there when you were family of the deceased and also had kept in contact with the deceased all the time.

ColdAsIceCubes · 14/02/2016 19:23

So the op should stop all contact now with EXMIL, after 5 years of amicable relations with the whole family on the say so of the new dw? 5 years of relations with all of exdh family, and only now is he saying it needs to stop? 5 years of op facilitating a relationship between dc and dgm? Because it now suits him to do this?

Original poster
Mycoffeeisblack · 14/02/2016 19:24

Pretty, I do understand what you are saying. But why is there an issue in the first place? Ex isn't losing anything by allowing us to be friends. I've done nothing to him. The marriage breakdown was due to infidelity on his part.

He may not want me to be part of his life anymore. But how is it hurting him for us to be friends?

OP posts: