AIBU to be utterly fucked off with children stepmother and ex husband

[Mycoffeeisblack]

We've been amicably divorced for 5 years. Two children, I've only met her on a number of occasions. I've extended invites to the children's parties, school plays etc. She never comes and always has other plans. Like wise with sporting events. She turns up only if Im not going to be there. I went once when I had said I wasn't going to and she had a face like a slapped arse the whole time.

Ex's grandmother died last week. I've known her since I was 17 (over 20 years). She's been sick for a long time and I was visiting her every month with ex MIL in her care home.

So funeral is being planned. Ex had asked me not to attend. He understands I might want to but it would be awkward for him and ex and he would appreciate me staying away.

I have no interest in causing drama during a shit time for the whole family. I didn't bother replying. MIL called me earlier to talk about the DC going to the funeral etc. She clearly didn't realise I wasn't going so I said what ex had asked and that I would be staying away.

She went mad and said no I'm not having that I'll call him. She's just called back to say that after speaking with ex she thinks it might make things harder for ex and his wife if I am there. She did suggest i could stay in the car, slip in after the service has started and then leave at the end. However ex was concerned the children would want to see me.

I said it was fine. I didn't need to go and don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

However I am utterly fucked off that this woman is allowed to throw her little temper tantrum and effectively ban me from saying goodbye to a lovely woman I've known for over 20 years. I'm fucked off that MIL is pretty much backing her up and not saying actually this is nonsense and if Coffee wants to come she can.

I've never had a crossed word with this woman. Don't argue with ex. I'm not sure what the bloody hell everyone seems so 'uncomfortable' with

He doesn't facilitate them seeing her, I do!

I organise their after school activities and which days they are free. She texts me on the days she is free and we organise when she can see them. Ex has nothing to do with that.

If he did it would involve him acting as the middleman between us as their day to day arrangements are made by me.

My step mum did this with my grandmother's funeral. My DM & grandmother were good friends. It started just as them wanting the best for us kids and became real. SM had been around maybe 2 years when my gran died. Mum, who'd known her 30 years wasn't welcome. Fine. My dad nearly didn't come to my wedding because she didn't want to see my mum, he couldn't even look at her (divorced 20 years by then) and my dad ended up sobbing to me that he felt like a prisoner.

It's great that your putting your ex mum in law first. SM is just showing herself up. And I really don't see why DC get to dictate their parents friendships to that extent. At a certain point in my mum and grandmother's friendship my dad became irrelevant

coffee the problem is, you don't know how your MIL presents her relationship with you to him.

She may say to him after each time she sees you how "well you're coping" despite his behaviour, she may refuse to see the DCs when they're with him, telling him she "prefers" to make arrangements to with you. You can't know the impact their friendship with you is having on him because you don't know how she conducts herself about it when she's around him.

This was the problem in my own split - my parents didn't realise how my ex referred to their continued friendship with them when he was around me (unfortunately, telling them about it didn't change their behaviour).

The DW may, or may not, be a factor here - she may be doing nothing more than presenting her objective view of how she sees the situation. If his mums behaviour upset him from the outset, but he felt he couldn't say anything, for instance.

Of course, she could just be a bitch, and he a weak man who can't stand up for himself.

But based on what you've said, one is not more likely than the other.

My friend is her DH second wife and when they have been to his family occasions his first wife was often there. This went on for years. It never bothered her, she just made an effort for him, she would quite happily not have attened but he wanted her too. Once his children were adults he asked his family not to invite his ex as he never felt he could relax with his family if she was there. He made the effort if his adult children were the focus - birthdays etc. However, his mother and sisters continue to invite the ex and now they are upset he never goes to parties and only visits very rarely and unannounced so he can be fairly sure his ex won't be there.

I love my DIL but if she and my DS split he would get my unconditional support and if I was made to choose he would come first.

*Unless someone has been an absolute arsehole (which I seriously doubt re. our op) then why exclude them from a funeral ffs!

Op's ex and/or his dw are making this all about them when op had a longer relationship with his grandmother than the dw had. Who is she to say op may not go and pay her respects

I don't blame you for being utterly fucked off, op*

Well said Bibbity

Thinking about all of this and what OP has added about the length of her relationship with the GGM and the exMIL she has every right to be at the funeral.

The initial reaction of the MIL was for her to be there (until the ex (albeit the MIL's DS) talked her out of it). I think she really would like the OP to be there and after the funeral should the OP not go, she would fell sorry about it and by that point it would be too late.

The second point for me is that I think the GGM would be upset that the OP has 'been told' she cannot go.

I go back to what I said earlier... It is about the relationship had with the dear departed and not those remaining to dictate.

Although it is not the best time to discuss attendance, I think the OP needs to be honest about her feeling with her exMIL, otherwise how will their relationship weather this. You have tbh OP and you are still part of the family through your children. Stuff exH and SM. I think it's disgusting how you're being treated.

If you feel you cannot speak to your exMIL about it... I think I would just keep out of the way altogether... and let them come to you as you feel so hurt.

OK pretty, if op follows your advice and retracts completely from EXMIL and exdh doesn't facilitate the relationship between dc and dgm, who do you think will get the blame? I doubt it will be exdh and new dw! What the exdh is asking the op to do is potentially destroy the AMICABLE arrangements already in place. Op loses in all the scenarios you put across..but that's ok, as long as new dw is happy!!! Op, maybe you should withdraw, if only to show how much you do help and facilitate the relationships between your dc and their paternal family. Let them see if your exdh steps up, or if it's all smoke and mirrors!!!

I am sorry for your loss OP

I am struggling to understand why SM is taking your DC to the funeral. Is XH not going?

To be honest I would not be happy about my DC of those ages attending a funeral unless they had one of their parents by their side at all times. You say your DC don't realise you aren't going - will they still want to go with SM when they realise you won't be there?

I really understand the way you feel, but perhaps you are blaming too much on the sm and not enough on the ex.

Maybe she is just not comfortable in your presence, as she feels superfluous with the way you slot in to his family and maybe she doesn't.

Maybe she said 'It's fine, coffee can go and I won't' and your ex wanted her support at what in the end is the death of his relative and so preferred her to be there. Maybe she could be there with you there but would be so uncomfortable that she would be of no use to him as support, and he knows that and so wants to avoid the situation.

I can't say what it would be like for me as an adult (still with my first dh) but I have been a child in a situation with parents and steps in the same room many, many times (my parents chalked up 8 marriages between them) and some partners go very weird in the presence of exes.

There have been many, many times when I wished one of them had stayed away as although everyone was 'sucking it up' and 'being civilised' the tension was such that you could cut it with a knife. Even on happy occasions it could be miserable, at a funeral it would really be too much.

He/She and MIL are being vu IMO and I would go anyway in your shoes.

It sets a dangerous precedent for the future. What if MIL dies? Will you be banned from her funeral?

What if something happened to your ex dh? Presumably you would want to go to the funeral, if for nothing else than to support your dc. Would you be banned from that?

A funeral is about the deceased and to an extent their relatives. If you had some awful history with a close family member of the deceased and you being present would cause the immediate family member actual distress then of course you should stay away.

New wifey feeling uncomfortable (for unknown reasons) vs your desire to say goodbye to someone who has been a part of your life for a long time, plus be there to support your children is no contest IMO.

New wife has to suck it up. Go. And be discreet but don't steal in and out of the back aisle like a flipping criminal.

I agree ColdAsIce

The OP has facilitated everything and even visited the DGGM at her care home with the exMIL. She has been accomodating and faciliting contact with the DGC.

This is terrible and if it were me I'd feel terribly hurt. The relationship with the family is 20+ years and she is the DM of the DGC... Not a trouble making nobody. It is time the SM (Or exH's DW - whatever she should be called!) was told how it is.

I think not going is the right thing to do but there's no way id be sending the dc. The 10yo maybe if she wanted to go but 6 is way too young. I guess other people feel differently about these things but I think funerals are adult affairs, keep the dc out of it.

I hope you aren't buying the funeral clothes for your dc?

Don't get yourself worked up about 'family when they want to be and not when it suits them'. This is a one off and sometimes in families there are differences if opinion that just have to be swallowed and not bear grudges.

If you want to address the issue that's arisen in your immediate family regarding stepmum's dislike of you you could try as it would help to pre-empt future 'awkwardness'.

Maybe there's no easy answer to this. Does she want to be able to pretend that she is the mum and feels like you obviously stop her from doing this. Does she have her own dc? All sorts of problems ahead if she's such a bitch and happy to make stroppy demands and create issues where there are none.

I can see why you're hurt and your point of view, but this is about your ex's family grieving and I'm wondering if it's more him not wanting you there than her? It could be the pair of them. I'm still friends with my ex's mum but I can see that my ex and his wife may feel find it irritating, and I don't go to family events. His grandad died a few months after we split, just as he'd announced the OW as his girlfriend. She'd only met his grandfather once, I'd known him well and continued to visit him after we had split. I didn't go to the funeral. He took her. His mother said I should be able to go, but I didn't want to step on toes. It didn't mean I wasn't thinking about him. I still think it was the right thing to do.

Silverbirch - you say that Op should move on and find new friends. How do you know that Op doesn't already have a wide circle of friends but sees no reason why she should cut contact with members of her ex's family, whom she has known for 20+ years and who still regard her as a friend they want to keep?

It doesn't sound at all as if she is clinging on the the past or imposing herself into situations where she is not welcome. They are reaching out to her, not vv.

Ex's new wife has married a divorced man with children. Fair enough. But she shouldn't expect to be able to airbrush out his past - 20 odd years of it - and everything to be as if he'd never been married before.

But don't go to the funeral, Op. Respect your ex Mil's wishes and appreciate the compliment she is paying by inviting you to spread the ashes. It will be a much more intimate and comforting occasion.

As usual. First wife us always right and second wife wrong as well as being accused of being the OW. MN so predictable.

"As usual. First wife us always right and second wife wrong as well as being accused of being the OW. MN so predictable."

As usual nothing of the sort. I don't want to be deleted so will refrain from saying what I really want to say, but how can you expect to be taken seriously when you make ridiculous sweeping statements like that zeezeek?

The op made it very clear that she wasn't the ow! If the new dw is touchy because the exdh is a cheat, that's her lookout, not the op!!

zeezeek
"As usual. First wife us always right and second wife wrong as well as being accused of being the OW. MN so predictable"

As usual, someone comes along and tries to justify outrageous behaviour of a second wife MN is so predictable.

No, Thickaspigshit, but perhaps you should read the full thread before rolling your eyes?

The ex has asked the op for appropriate clothes...tbh that's on him and his dw. If they're as hands on as they want to make out they are, they should have a wardrobe full of appropriate clothing for the dc.... or isn't that the case? Hmmmmmm

My father left my mother for ow when I was 10.

He later married someone else and was married to her for 35 years until he died.

All through that time my dmum was best friends with df's sister (so her sil) and still is to this day, now that they are 81 and 84!

Sorry, but no one can dictate who has a relationship with who. What a load of hateful old bollocks.

ExH has requested that OP buys clothes for the funeral, the cheeky bastard.

I lost people I loved deeply when I divorced because ex's new wife demanded they cut me out of their lives. This still hurts after many years, they were my friends too. I would have been discreet and not been there all the time, we weren't living close by. I miss them all still. Understandably they chose their son over me.

My kids don't see any of them, not because I said anything or did anything, but because I had been the one to facilitate contact between ex, his family and the children. And I wasn't allowed to do that anymore.

In fact, my children don't see their dad either, totally his loss.

It is very sad that one person's wants supersede children's needs.

OK pretty, if op follows your advice and retracts completely from EXMIL and exdh doesn't facilitate the relationship between dc and dgm, who do you think will get the blamE

I have not suggested for one moment that the OP should withdraw. What I'm saying is that IMO, her MIL should (imo) put her DS first, and that if that if the MIL does do that, all be it belatedly (again, imo) - the OP will be the "innocent victim", and will lose a friend and that if she does, it is, (yet again, imo) best for the DCs that it happens.

If the MIL is happy with the way things are, then the OP should carry on regardless - it's not about her, it's about her MIL and ex. However, if her MIL does decide to change the relationship she has with the OP, then that's probably because she's putting her DS first.