AIBU to be utterly fucked off with children stepmother and ex husband

[Mycoffeeisblack]

We've been amicably divorced for 5 years. Two children, I've only met her on a number of occasions. I've extended invites to the children's parties, school plays etc. She never comes and always has other plans. Like wise with sporting events. She turns up only if Im not going to be there. I went once when I had said I wasn't going to and she had a face like a slapped arse the whole time.

Ex's grandmother died last week. I've known her since I was 17 (over 20 years). She's been sick for a long time and I was visiting her every month with ex MIL in her care home.

So funeral is being planned. Ex had asked me not to attend. He understands I might want to but it would be awkward for him and ex and he would appreciate me staying away.

I have no interest in causing drama during a shit time for the whole family. I didn't bother replying. MIL called me earlier to talk about the DC going to the funeral etc. She clearly didn't realise I wasn't going so I said what ex had asked and that I would be staying away.

She went mad and said no I'm not having that I'll call him. She's just called back to say that after speaking with ex she thinks it might make things harder for ex and his wife if I am there. She did suggest i could stay in the car, slip in after the service has started and then leave at the end. However ex was concerned the children would want to see me.

I said it was fine. I didn't need to go and don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

However I am utterly fucked off that this woman is allowed to throw her little temper tantrum and effectively ban me from saying goodbye to a lovely woman I've known for over 20 years. I'm fucked off that MIL is pretty much backing her up and not saying actually this is nonsense and if Coffee wants to come she can.

I've never had a crossed word with this woman. Don't argue with ex. I'm not sure what the bloody hell everyone seems so 'uncomfortable' with

You are absolutely right to be completely pissed off about this. I would be too.
I think it's so refreshing to hear of an ex couple who can remain on good terms and set a good example to their children, despite her childish behaviour. It's such a shame when people/families get to the point where they can't even speak to each other unless it's through a solicitor! You've obviously kept your dignity in tact through this separation and have extended invitations etc to her on numerous occasions. Well done you.
If you decide not to go, to keep the peace as it were, just remember that you don't have to attend the funeral to know that you were making time to visit an elderly lady in her latter years. This would have made her very happy.

Go. You will regret this and resent her for the rest of your life for making you miss. You dont need that. Let her be umcomfortable for a few hours versus you being angry for life over this. Its too important.

I wouldn't go to the funeral as it's not fair on the rest of the family to possibly create drama when it's about remembering the grandma. However I'd certainly tell ex that I wouldn't be sorting funeral clothes for the kids. Suggest that the new wife does that as she's going to the funeral and will be able to judge what's appropriate.

Thinking about the grandma. It's great that you kept a strong relationship with her all this time. Really what you do when people are alive is more important than what you do at a funeral. The grandma knew you cared about her. And so does the MIL who's obviously in a tricky position herself. Her offer that you scatter the ashes together is actually a really nice suggestion and will give you time to remember happier times with the grandma together.

Personally I would go. There's no way I would let this stand. She's obviously a very insecure stupid woman, but this funeral is not about her. If you were close to the deceased, you have every right to be there. Why on earth should she get her way?

How pathetic and nasty,

So a grown adult(s) have decided they are not capable of behaving in a dignified manner, and have put their own silly deranged sensibilities over honouring someone they supposedly had love and respect for.

I think you are perfectly sensibly to give them all a wide berth,

Do something nice with your children for their great grandma, plant a tree, somewhere you go for picnics.

It sounds very much like their marriage is in serious trouble if the mere thought of you makes them so insecure, very sad behaviour, with no consideration for the children, so purely selfish.

Just keep being the bigger person, and get ready to support your children as they come to realisation over the next few years, that they are resented by their step mother, and their father does not priorities them.

And to clarify, the only one "creating drama" is the SM. Unless OP swans in going "I'm here! Fuck you, SM!" then SM should learn some manners and keep her mouth shut.

I wouldn't be sending my kids to a funeral without me. How old are they?

I wouldn't be sending my kids to a funeral without me. How old are they?

Their father will be there who is also their parent.

for you OP.

You sound very sensible and mature unlike your Exs partner

I think you're doing the right thing in not going as your MIL doesn't need extra drama, from her new DIL, at her mums funeral. But I would definitely speak to your ex and tell him you really wanted to go but won't, id also tell him that she's isn't to tell you which funeral you are allowed to attend in the future.

I think that for your MILs sake you should stay away. But I'd give MIL a ring on the morning, to say you will be thinking of her and Gran. And tell the children that you'll take them out for tea later that day, to give them chance to chat and offload their feelings.

Then do as you suggest about scattering the ashes with MIL at a future date.

And finally, after a few weeks, I'd tell your ex that you are extremely hurt and bewildered by his wife's behaviour. Your children should not be going to their first funeral without their mother, particularly as they must know how close you are to MIL and Gran. You have a great relationship with MIL, will he be expecting you to stay away from her funeral (a long way off I hope)? THis needs resolving, you have made efforts to have a civil relationship with his wife, now its her turn to do the same to you for the sake of your children. He needs to sort this, otherwise you will be calling his wife to clear the air, after all you're all on the same side, aren't you?

Nobody can be banned from a funeral service unless it's private. In your position I would go and sit at the back. If this woman wants nothing to do with you there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. I would stop inviting her to take part in anything. Try not to dwell on this and take it too much to heart. I wouldn't be happy about my children going with her but for the sake of dignity and peace I'd allow it. But stop trying to be friendly and inviting her to things.

How rich that you're expected to keep hidden from your own children. Don't blame you for being furious.

It's great that you still have a relationship with your ex's family and it is appropriate that you do as your DC are part of the family.

However, they are your ex's family not yours now. SM is part of the family now and I suspect your continued close relationship with MIL makes her feel understandably awkward, her wishing to not attend events when you are there is her way of dealing with this in the best way for her.

For the sake of your DC's relationships you need to respect her wishes and find a way to ensure your relationship with ex in-laws is kept to an appropriate level.

This funeral is for your ex's family not you, keep out of it and stop making it so awkward for everyone at such a difficult time.

I also think for your MIL's sake you should stay away, but you're clearly far more of an adult than your ex's partner.

Children are 10 and 6. They don't know i'm not going, i'm not going to bring it up or it looks like i'm trying to wind them up to be upset.

I cannot believe how angry I am. Think instead of being upset over GMIL dying i'm getting angry at SM and ex instead.

ThenLater, that is pretty much what the (weirdly written) text from ex said. Over involved with old family, need to move on, inappropriate for me to come. Are you her?!

Don't go, it will cause a fuss and this isn't Eastenders. The woman you had a relationship with is dead and won't know plus you have an invitation to scatter the ashes so can do your formal goodbyes then. You aren't part of the family anymore and the dc will be with a parent.
It shouldn't be a problem but it is, and your presence has always been a problem for the new wife so this shouldnt really be a surprise.

You're doing the right thing sending flowers, staying away and scattering the ashes. You know you are. But you're entitled to your feelings and it does suck. Your anger probably is tied up with your sadness and may fade over a few weeks. I hope so, anyway.

Totally understand how hurt you are over this. I'd make sure your ex knows you think he's a spineless jerk for this.

On the day of the funeral I'd take some quiet time away from everyone, at a place that you love and have your own remember wince for her. Cry for the love you felt for her, cry for the end of if a special relationship the pair of you had, but do no cry over the situation. And let your ex MIL know of your plans so she doesn't think that you don't care.

And make sure the ex knows he is not welcome at any funeral of people I. Your side he was close to.

What a terrible situation. Although by rights you should be able to go, anyone should, as MIL has expressed that it would be easier for HER if you stayed away, I would refrain to make life easier for her, not due to any foot stomping by the OW (even though that is where it stems from).

I'm just suggesting what I would do, and you certainly wouldn't be doing anything wrong if you do decide to go.

Agree with PP that you bounce the request for funeral clothes back to the parent responsible for taking them, and effectively banning you too.

It's very sad that this supposedly grown woman can't put her insecurities aside for a funeral, sad and pathetic.

Just go along, you wont have another chance to say goodbye. You knew her for a long time and if the stepmum wants to stamp her feet, just let her. She will only show herself up. what right has she to stop you in a public place anyway? Good luck. Sorry for your loss too.

Some of these posts are appalling. The SM is clearly in the wrong.
However, your ex husband is a grieving close relative. So is his mother.
Why on earth would you go along and cause upset to the people closest to the lady that has died?

Don't involve your children. Don't use this as an opportunity to prove a point. Find a way to pay your respects in a sensitive way.

Good grief.

Don't involve your children. Don't use this as an opportunity to prove a point. Find a way to pay your respects in a sensitive way.

Where has the op said that she plans to use the children to prove a point?

Just to give the other side of the argument, about 5 years ago my uncle died (father's brother). My sister, brother and I were attending in order to support my father (who was there with his wife). Our mother insisted on coming then made a scene when my siblings and I stayed by our father and wife, welcoming and chatting to our other relatives, instead of staying with her. After my brother told her off for trying to make the occasion about her, she went off to her car and cry and sulk. She made a sad day even more stressful as she has form for poor behaviour at social occasions.

You've known Ex's DGM for over 20 years and SM has known her how long? A couple at most? And she gets to dictate whether you get to go to the funeral or not. She can piss off with that. What a child.

Seriously this won't end with this. What next? Will you be banned from your own DC future birthdays? graduations? weddings? She's in a relationship with a man who has DC, she has to suck it up and realise you are part of your DC and thus your paths are going to cross. It's only awkward because she's making it awkward.

And if they want to take the DC they organise and dress the DC lazy twats

This is your children's great grandmother. I would attend. And not engage in a discussion about it.

Surely your children should be with you, their Mother, at the funeral?

But their father, whose relative we're talking about, will be there.

OP, your MIL has been put in a really difficult position here. she could have seen this coming really but she's a grieving daughter and she doesn't need this.

You can remember people without being at the funeral. Leave the family be.