AIBU to be utterly fucked off with children stepmother and ex husband

[Mycoffeeisblack]

We've been amicably divorced for 5 years. Two children, I've only met her on a number of occasions. I've extended invites to the children's parties, school plays etc. She never comes and always has other plans. Like wise with sporting events. She turns up only if Im not going to be there. I went once when I had said I wasn't going to and she had a face like a slapped arse the whole time.

Ex's grandmother died last week. I've known her since I was 17 (over 20 years). She's been sick for a long time and I was visiting her every month with ex MIL in her care home.

So funeral is being planned. Ex had asked me not to attend. He understands I might want to but it would be awkward for him and ex and he would appreciate me staying away.

I have no interest in causing drama during a shit time for the whole family. I didn't bother replying. MIL called me earlier to talk about the DC going to the funeral etc. She clearly didn't realise I wasn't going so I said what ex had asked and that I would be staying away.

She went mad and said no I'm not having that I'll call him. She's just called back to say that after speaking with ex she thinks it might make things harder for ex and his wife if I am there. She did suggest i could stay in the car, slip in after the service has started and then leave at the end. However ex was concerned the children would want to see me.

I said it was fine. I didn't need to go and don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

However I am utterly fucked off that this woman is allowed to throw her little temper tantrum and effectively ban me from saying goodbye to a lovely woman I've known for over 20 years. I'm fucked off that MIL is pretty much backing her up and not saying actually this is nonsense and if Coffee wants to come she can.

I've never had a crossed word with this woman. Don't argue with ex. I'm not sure what the bloody hell everyone seems so 'uncomfortable' with

newlife but it's not the DW who has asked that the OP not go.
It's her ex. And his mother. On the basis of what her ex says.

The OP is very clear - she has been told that it would be awkward for her ex and his DW if she was there.

Branding a woman evil because of something her DH says is, alarming!

And as for passing her DSC off as her own - really?

You get that from the OPs posts?

That the DSM is an evil, child stealing bitch?

You have been watching too many Disney movies

Perhaps you could email Dex and say how hurt you are that you are to be banned from the opportunity to say goodbye to DGM, that you visited her up to the end etc. That MIL would like you there. And this is the last time you will be banned from anything but will make your own decisions in future.

Just a very quick update. SM has never been invited to parents evening (that would just be weird!). Invites extended to birthday parties, sports matches (not training) and dance competitions. Also school awards and plays. In fact anything thats a ticketed event if you will.

The DC are home. DS asked me if I knew I wasn't going to the funeral. I said yes I did know. He asked why and I said well what did daddy say? He said that it would make him more sad if I was there so it would be better if I didn't come. DS asked me if I was sad because I couldn't go. I said no, DGM knew I loved her and it doesn't really matter if I go.

That was the end of that really.

Probably won't come back to the thread now. Thank you all for your advice and insights.

It's the ex's grandmother. He is likely to be upset. Let's assume positive intent and the ex's new dP wants to be there to support her husband. Fair enough. It's a funeral. It's about the bereaved. Like it or not, there is a pecking order and the new DP is part of the family now. The OP is a stage removed.

If the children are attending, I can see they would want to sit with their mother if she was there. It could get upsetting and I can see why the bereaved daughter and grandson want to minimise the potential for fuss.

The OP is right not to go. However, I would leave it to the ex and DP to choose and buy the funeral attire for the kids. It's also for them to arrange for the children to be taken and returned to and from the funeral.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Pretty, you're absolutely right about it being the DC's decision about who attends. I worded it wrongly, but I have agreed with a large amount of what you have written on this thread.

I have my DSS's graduation coming up soon and I know that he would like me to attend, however I am mindful that his DM would probably prefer it if I didn't go. I will do whatever DSS would like me to do, but will always be respectful to his DM and will never knowingly put her in an uncomfortable position (it would be nice if she'd ever shown me this courtesy though!).

Well done OP for handling that so well.

I'm sorry you are in this position. My MIL' s funeral is this week, my children are 8 and 6, they are not going to the funeral. I feel they are too young, the 6 year old doesn't seem to understand the situation, the 8 year old has asked questions but hasn't asked to go to the funeral, if she had insisted maybe would take her. It's a cremation.

newlife might actually be onto something. SM might not directly say that OP's children are hers but might let it appear that they are hers only because she is embarrassed to admit that they are not hers for some bizarre reason.

The children should not be part of this drama. OP, you sound like a very decent and bigger person for respecting MIL but please do let them know that this is the last time that this is happening. You might be divorced but you HAVEN'T actually cut ties with your ex's family, have you?? People might think that you HAD TO keep contact with your ex for the sake of your children but it's not just him that you have kept contact with out of CHOICE, is it? You were in good terms with MIL and GMIL, you didn't cut them out. Are neighbours or friends going? Why are you excluded? You could go on a account of a different relationship with GMIL, being all those years that you knew her for and would be disrespectful to not see her for the last time. Of there is no point arguing with MIL and upsetting her but ex's wife should know that she is not to decide about such matters. It was not her mother who died!!

SM might not directly say that OP's children are hers but might let it appear that they are hers only because she is embarrassed to admit that they are not hers for some bizarre reason.

Does his actually happen? Other than in movies, I mean? Because in all my years of socialising with families of various make ups, with stepmums, stepdads, divorces, remarriages etc, I have NEVER encountered an adult who pretends that someone else's DCs are theirs.
Actually, that's not true - my exPIL insisted on introducing me as their daughter to friends they hadn't seen since they got married - which caused quite a stir when I was then seen kissing their son (my exDH).

Stepmothers, on the whole, do not want to steal their DSC from their mother. Why would they? other people's children aren't that special, really. Of course they are to you, but they're just kids to anyone else. There are many reasons why a SM may feel nervous, uncomfortable or unhappy in the company of the DSC mum, but really? I don't think a hankering to be the mother of her DCs is one of them!

The DCs might be torn as to who to sit with. If DCs are very distressed I would think they would prefer to sit with their DM, perhaps this is what ex is trying to avoid.

This is a situation where the DSM should man up as OP had long term relationship with DGM. But unfortunately she hasn't. Suggests she is insecure.

V Sad but perhaps the OP will reappraise her relationship with ex's family and make changes which will be better for her life in the long run.

I'm sorry for your loss. That's a difficult situation for you. I think it's absolutely fair for you to go, but I can understand why you wouldn't want to.

sorry that this has happened. i know you might not read this now, but i think you have behaved impeccably throughout. sm i think feels threatened by your continued good relations with the family and she hasn't handled it particularly well, altho i can understand why she feels that way.

if i were you i'd be taking a step back and not be always so available or accommodating. it would have been better to all get along but that's not the feeling of everyone involved.

this must hurt very much. sorry for your loss and all the other shit.

Dear Coffee

I think you are very right to be extremely fucked off.

I also think you're right not to go to the funeral .

However I just wanted to say please don't start questioning how much the whole family value you based on a few comments here - from posters who can never know the full details. Your MIL invited you to scatter ashes with her, her initial reaction was that you should be allowed to go. And she pops round to see you when the kids aren't there - to see YOU as an individual, not just as a facilitator of her contact with her dgc.

Of course, you should always ensure that relationships are balanced and not just one way favours, but don't start your review of from a position of negativity and suspicion based solely on other people's experience.

It sounds like having a great relationship with your MIL benefits your dc, you and her. You DON'T need to consider your ex and SM in this - although your MIL may. You don't owe them anything though, and they clearly don't consider you or your feelings.

Best wishes,
Sencybil x

ThenLater's advice is the best here. A funeral is not the time to make a point. Of course they are wrong and you should be able to go, but your MIL sees that the harmony of the bereaved family matters more than your attendance. Which it does , really. Can you rise above it, be incredibly gracious, and send some lovely flowers or visit the grave afterwards?