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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be utterly fucked off with children stepmother and ex husband

264 replies

Mycoffeeisblack · 14/02/2016 13:19

We've been amicably divorced for 5 years. Two children, I've only met her on a number of occasions. I've extended invites to the children's parties, school plays etc. She never comes and always has other plans. Like wise with sporting events. She turns up only if Im not going to be there. I went once when I had said I wasn't going to and she had a face like a slapped arse the whole time.

Ex's grandmother died last week. I've known her since I was 17 (over 20 years). She's been sick for a long time and I was visiting her every month with ex MIL in her care home.

So funeral is being planned. Ex had asked me not to attend. He understands I might want to but it would be awkward for him and ex Hmm and he would appreciate me staying away.

I have no interest in causing drama during a shit time for the whole family. I didn't bother replying. MIL called me earlier to talk about the DC going to the funeral etc. She clearly didn't realise I wasn't going so I said what ex had asked and that I would be staying away.

She went mad and said no I'm not having that I'll call him. She's just called back to say that after speaking with ex she thinks it might make things harder for ex and his wife if I am there. She did suggest i could stay in the car, slip in after the service has started and then leave at the end. However ex was concerned the children would want to see me.

I said it was fine. I didn't need to go and don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

However I am utterly fucked off that this woman is allowed to throw her little temper tantrum and effectively ban me from saying goodbye to a lovely woman I've known for over 20 years. I'm fucked off that MIL is pretty much backing her up and not saying actually this is nonsense and if Coffee wants to come she can.

I've never had a crossed word with this woman. Don't argue with ex. I'm not sure what the bloody hell everyone seems so 'uncomfortable' with

OP posts:
ColdAsIceCubes · 14/02/2016 21:37

What I'm saying is that IMO, her MIL should (imo) put her DS first

The cheating ds that broke up the family in the first place? The ds that could've cost his dm a relationship with her dgm if her exdil had been a complete witch and stopped contact?? Please remember that the op has facilitated the relationship with the dgc, and has continued to support the exmil during her dm's illness and been a support to the rest of the family. Do you really think she deserves this? To be ostracised in this manner? All because the new dw ha had a tantrum about her standing in the family? The OP has far more grace and decorum than I do, I'd have told them all to do one by now!!!

fastdaytears · 14/02/2016 21:40

The ds that could've cost his dm a relationship with her dgm

Huh? Why would the exMIL's relationship with the exGMIL been threatened?

ThickAsPigShit · 14/02/2016 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/02/2016 21:44

cold the OP doesn't know that the DW has "had a tantrum" - that is the opinion that her exMIL has expressed - and she's hardly impartial, is she?

The cooling of the friendship/relationship between an adult and their PIL when the marriage ends is not "being ostracised".

No matter what a DC does, they are not unreasonable to expect their parents to stand by their side. Even if, as they should, they express their emotions in private to the DC, their actions should, IMO, demonstrate unconditional support.
I cannot envisage a situation in which I would choose to do something that I wanted, but that I could exist happily without, at the expense of my DDs emotional wellbeing.

Aworldofmyown · 14/02/2016 21:53

This boils down to a clearly well loved woman being laid to rest and remembered. I never understand all the shitty politics that come out with funerals, if a person has touched your life you should be able to say goodbye regardless. Fucking ridiculous.

That all aside, my children would not be going to a funeral where they could not be comforted by their mum they are still very young and I think you need to be with them. I would be letting your husband know that they will not be attending, then I would take them to the scattering of the ashes with your MIL.

ColdAsIceCubes · 14/02/2016 21:53

Huh? Why would the exMIL's relationship with the exGMIL been threatened

The op has stated that she is the one that has facilitated the relationship between dc and dgm.

Pretty, it is when there has been zero drama in the 5 years since their divorce, and the exdh has been happy too lazy to let the op facilitate the contact between his dc and his dm. This is a smack in the face to the OP imho.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 14/02/2016 21:54

Pmsl at the notion we should blindly put blood faaaaaamly first. How very Cosa Nostra.

FantasticButtocks · 14/02/2016 22:00

I think I'd ask your ex how he proposes to explain to the children why mummy's not going to great granny's funeral. Because surely the DCs will find it a bit weird, as they'll know you still maintained a relationship with mil and granny. Do you think he'd actually be prepared to tell the dcs that he has asked you not to go? Won't the dcs think that's rather odd?

Of course if mil is grieving and thinks the easiest option solution is for you to stay away, then there's nothing more to be done about it. But it's a shame that she hasn't actually put her foot down and put a stop to this ridiculous nonsense.

ThickAsPigShit · 14/02/2016 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 14/02/2016 22:06

If you decide not to go to the funeral, op, I think you should take a massive step back from involvement in mil's life. Let her arrange seeing the dgc with your ex - they should organise it all between them. Neither of them have shown you any respect over this.

Thymeout · 14/02/2016 22:07

Supporting your DS unconditionally means being civil to his new wife and welcoming her into the family.

It does not mean giving into the new wife's unreasonable demands.

It is quite clear that the new wife is behind the embargo on the lst wife attending the funeral.

janethegirl2 · 14/02/2016 22:08

I'd not let the children go unless I felt certain their df could and would support them if they got distressed.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 14/02/2016 22:08

And so mil is blindly putting family first. Unwise.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/02/2016 22:10

the exdh has been happy too lazy to let the op facilitate the contact between his dc and his dm. This is a smack in the face to the OP imho.

But it may be that the exMIL has favoured the OP facilitating contact - the OP can't possibly know, can she?
The exH may have tried repeatedly to organise contact between his mum and his DCs, only for his mum to decline, and tell him that she will make plans directly with the OP instead.
The OP says that her ExMIL relies on her - the MIL seems to have made no attempt to change the relationship; if anything, she may well be closer to the OP now then when the OP was married to her son. The OPs ex may be happy with they, but he may not have been - whether he said anything or not.

The new DW may have been the one to say to the OPs ex "you don't have to put up with this" - or she may be a bitch and the exH a weak man - but from what the OP has posted, it's not the DW who has communicated with her directly - both her ex and her exMIL have said it would be better if she's not at the funeral.

ColdAsIceCubes · 14/02/2016 22:10

That wasn't the exmil's at first though was it? If it had have been, I'm sure the op would've still been disappointed, but would've understood. She knew the ggm well and had a relationship with her for 20+ years, she should be allowed to pay her respects guilt free.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/02/2016 22:11

It is quite clear that the new wife is behind the embargo on the lst wife attending the funeral.

Do you know the OPs ex's DW, thyme?

ColdAsIceCubes · 14/02/2016 22:12

If you decide not to go to the funeral, op, I think you should take a massive step back from involvement in mil's life. Let her arrange seeing the dgc with your ex - they should organise it all between them. Neither of them have shown you any respect over this.

THIS

SquidgeyMidgey · 14/02/2016 22:14

That's an awful spot to be in. Staying away from the service for your exMIL's sake would be the terribly unselfish route but I entirely understand you wondering why you should have to. Funerals and wills bring out people's true colours.

ThickAsPigShit · 14/02/2016 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ColdAsIceCubes · 14/02/2016 22:17

The exH may have tried repeatedly to organise contact between his mum and his DCs, only for his mum to decline

This is where the exdh could've, at any point in the last 5 years approached the op to ask her to step back and let him do that. It would appear that he has not, and the op has stepped up. If she had posted the opposite, why should she facilitate contact, she would've been flamed and told to be the bigger person and take the moral high ground. Whatever the op does, it'll be wrong somehow.

Enkopkaffetak · 14/02/2016 22:20

What happens when MIL dies? Do you try and pull rank there as well? Because you knew her longest?

My parents divorced in 1975.. They had been together for 16 years at that point (married 13)

When my paternal grandmother died (in 81) my mother and my then step mother BOTH attended the funeral..

when my paternal grandfather died (in 1990) my mother and then step mother BOTH attended the funeral (2 different stepmothers btw)

When my maternal grandmother died my father and stepfather attended the funeral (and my mother told my father to stay at the evening meal where it was close family aka children and grandchildren only saying " you belong here as well")

My dad was there when my maternal aunt was buried too (she had lived with him and my mother for 3 years when younger they had a relationship)

My father was also there last June when we were at my mothers funeral. As was my stepdad

NOT ONCE was there any argument about if the other was meant to be there or not..

Nor did my dad try to come up and sit at the front row at my mothers funeral. He knew that was the place for my stepdad who had lived with my mother for the last 39 years. However he was there and it meant a lot to me to know he was.

Its nothing about "pulling rank" it is about accepting that there is plenty of care in the world and we all have relationships with people who also have relationships with other people. A Divorce doesnt suddenly = no care anymore. Nor does it suddenly erase the past.

Funerals are about caring and saying goodbye and I for once was grateful for both of my parents to care enough to put aside their past and show the respect for a person they had cared about. Plus frankly in the act of this caring showing how much they LOVE me and my siblings.

(I also fully expect my stepdad or dad to be there at the funeral of what ever one of them goes first if not I shall have a few choice words to say :) )

PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/02/2016 22:29

This is where the exdh could've, at any point in the last 5 years approached the op to ask her to step back and let him do that.

I have not once, in the 8 years I've been apart from my ex, considered it my place to tell him to step back from his relationship from my parents.
I have told them the impact that their choice has on me, but it is their choice - I do not expect my ex to put my feelings ahead of his own. I (not unreasonably) thought my parents might.

Lightbulbon · 14/02/2016 22:37

There is no way I'd let my 6yo go to a funeral without me!

There's a question over whether 6yos should be at funeral at all.

I've been to funeral with 'strained relations'. Ime anyone who had a relationship with the deceased has the right to be there, legally and morally.

Other attendees just have to suck that up if it means they are in a room with someone they don't like.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 14/02/2016 22:38

In the short term I think that you need to accept MIL's wishes and not make one of the hardest days of her life any harder.

However, I also think that you need to re-think how much you are giving to this relationship and decide if maybe it is more than they are giving to you. When push comes to shove you are not being treated as family, you are being treated as expendable. And expendable people should not be getting up at 1am to jump start cars or doing large amounts of work for free.

This isn't a conversation for now with MiL but maybe six months down the line you need to ensure that you are not doing all the giving whilst they do all the taking.

TooMuchOfEverything · 14/02/2016 22:41

OP I'd be angry and offended too.

My DC have only been to funerals with both parents, when DH and I have discussed 'who will take them out if it's too upsetting' - I'd not want to take them to a funeral if we didn't have that in place especially not their first one.

I think taking them to the ash scattering would be better.