AIBU to be utterly fucked off with children stepmother and ex husband

[Mycoffeeisblack]

We've been amicably divorced for 5 years. Two children, I've only met her on a number of occasions. I've extended invites to the children's parties, school plays etc. She never comes and always has other plans. Like wise with sporting events. She turns up only if Im not going to be there. I went once when I had said I wasn't going to and she had a face like a slapped arse the whole time.

Ex's grandmother died last week. I've known her since I was 17 (over 20 years). She's been sick for a long time and I was visiting her every month with ex MIL in her care home.

So funeral is being planned. Ex had asked me not to attend. He understands I might want to but it would be awkward for him and ex and he would appreciate me staying away.

I have no interest in causing drama during a shit time for the whole family. I didn't bother replying. MIL called me earlier to talk about the DC going to the funeral etc. She clearly didn't realise I wasn't going so I said what ex had asked and that I would be staying away.

She went mad and said no I'm not having that I'll call him. She's just called back to say that after speaking with ex she thinks it might make things harder for ex and his wife if I am there. She did suggest i could stay in the car, slip in after the service has started and then leave at the end. However ex was concerned the children would want to see me.

I said it was fine. I didn't need to go and don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

However I am utterly fucked off that this woman is allowed to throw her little temper tantrum and effectively ban me from saying goodbye to a lovely woman I've known for over 20 years. I'm fucked off that MIL is pretty much backing her up and not saying actually this is nonsense and if Coffee wants to come she can.

I've never had a crossed word with this woman. Don't argue with ex. I'm not sure what the bloody hell everyone seems so 'uncomfortable' with

i am sorry but I would be having a serious re-think about how I dealt with them all in the future regarding visits, favours etc. It seems a one-way relationship with them all. You do stuff for them, what do they do for you apart from tell you not to attend the funeral of someone dear to you?

Hi Coffee,
I feel very much for your predicament BUT you are the bigger person here. Go and visit the ex Grandma before the funeral and pay your respects and then go with ex MIL to scatter the ashes. That way you and your ex-MIL spend quality time together - she sounds as if she is trying to keep the peace here with difficulty. As for the new wife - just keep it at arms length. I see so many families where the ex's just can't get on and it really does impact on the children. The departed don't know who attends the funeral but she did know how much you thought of her by your regular visits and that is more important here.

As someone with divorced parents whose new partners presence at events caused no outward dramas, but an excruciating, and I mean excruciating amount of friction, my advice would be to sort this out one way or another.

I didn't have an 18th or 21st birthday party, and my wedding was deliberately abroad in order to avoid them all being together. One of my brothers did the same. The other had a regular wedding and even though it wasn't my event, I felt sick with anxiety the entire time. Simply because they couldn't get over themselves. Like I said, there was no dramas, no confrontations, but it was clear that everyone was deeply uncomfortable/resentful. Not as uncomfortable as me, though. It was awful.

Clearly it's not your fault, OP, and I'm not sure how you're going to resolve this, but from the kids' point of view, it's pretty horrible to be able to cut the atmosphere with a knife at every funeral/wedding/family gathering that you simply can't avoid having to attend. good luck.

I would tell your ex to sort the funeral clothes for the kids and ask the phone to be passed over to his wife.
I would speak to her. I would say I'm sorry there seems to be a problem or friction between us. I don't know why. We are both adults, surely we (you) can be at least civil. I want to say goodbye to X, I'm not trying to tread on anyone's toes I just want to go to a funeral. Why are you so against this?

Or, she could be a bitch and he could just be weak. Although in that case, why is the OP's MIL going along with it?

Because she doesn't want to disrupt her contact with her son and her grandchildren? There are unfortunately a fair number of women out there who deliberately try to restrict their new partner's access to his own family. I know a surprising number of cases within my circle of acquaintances.

Speaking to the SM is a good idea.

Assuming she is basically a normal person if you do this gently it might nip a problem in the bud.

Regarding Dontcallmecis's post above - perhaps you should email your ex a copy of that post. Point out to him that there are going to be events in the future - graduations, weddings etc that you both want to attend, and that he should be thinking about how this kind of behaviour from his new partner could affect his children.

Is there any reason your DCs have to attend? I probably wouldn't take my DC to a GGM funeral.

I don't understand the you have to cut all contact with your ex's family once you've parted.

To me if there are children from the relationship there will always be a degree of involvement, as mother of ex's children op wil always be a family member.

And it doesn't sound like op is overly involved the ex's family have gone out of the way to keep their ties with her.

I'd not supply clothes for the DC L, their father & SM can do that.
Stay away from the funeral as this is not the time for confrontations.
Definitely have a discussion with ex, his wife & you mil together to discuss how to move forward.

It's juvenile and unworkable banning you from family events. As PP have said, what happens when the DC have significant events in their lives?

I'd also stop working for free for ex's family quite frankly, & stop being at the neck and all of your ex's family in general.

Beck and call not neck and all🙄

It's an difficult situation and no matter what happens, someone will end up being unhappy. I do think the new wife is being unreasonable given you had known the lady for so long but can also understand that she sees this as her family now and probably thinks you'll take over things with the kids and she'll get pushed to the side which would be awkward. I.e she wants to be there for them if they start crying etc and that they would probably go to you instead...

The offer of the MIL to scatter the ashes is a lovely gesture to show you DO matter so I'd stay away from the funeral as that's the MILs request but arrange to meet her afterwards.

However, when it's over I'd tell your ex that you did not attend out of respect for your MIL and not him or his wife and make it very clear that when it comes to the children you will not take a back seat so WILL attend graduations / weddings etc as long as they want you there.

Be prepared to answer the question from your kids though as to why you didn't go - don't be bitter about it, just say that it may have made some people uncomfortable but that you were thinking about them all day.

And as for getting them dressed, suggest they stay with your ex and his wife the night before - if she wants to play the shoulder to cry on she can surely get them dressed and organised to go herself!

You are doing the right thing by not going OP if they have asked you not to. I was put in a similar position by ex's family and although very sad I respected their wishes. I am amazed that people are suggesting you go when your ex-MIL, who has lost her mum, has asked you not to.

And I cannot believe people are being so petty as to suggest you shouldn't sort appropriate clothes for your children.....

No one has to completely sever all ties with anyone when they divorce or part... how can you just ignore the fact that you have spent the last however many years with someone and as part of their family. In this case it is 20+ years!

In many instances the ex family offer support in your hours of need after a split (especially if the circumstances are that it was their DC who initiated the split).

There are GC here and I believe the exMIL still sees the OP as her DIL as she is the DM of the GC! Yes the DC has remarried and he is her DS but I think the exMIL sees her new DIL as just that - the new one. So in her mind she has two DILs.

The exMIL is also of a generation where people are polite and don't want confrontation or to cause hurt. Remember it was not her fault the split happened. When people divorce or split, that too is like a bereavement of a sort. I believe the MIL has been caught out by this very sad situation and it's her DM who has passed. She has at a very difficult moment had to accept a lot... including the viewpoint of her DS which in my view on this occasion would be to allow his exW to attend the funeral for the sake of his DM and explain that fact alone to his DW.

Out of interst OP, has your MIL been intouch at all since the phonecall?

In this case, the deceased's immediate family must come first, and their decisions respected. Let's turn it on its head. Imagine if your ex husband was still very much involved in your own family's life and your current husband felt really uncomfortable about it. One of your relations dies, and your ex insisted on coming to the funeral. I would think that just this one time you could put your foot down and say no. It seems entirely reasonable to me. You should never, ever turn up when the family has expressly asked you not to. That is causing a bereaved family additional stress at an already stressful time. I am staggered (and quite appalled) at the number of people who have encouraged the OP to just go!

If the family want children to be at the funeral, again that is their choice. They will be with their family and they will be fine - it is such an individual thing whether family want children to be present or not.

I think that you have sounded very dignified OP, and I do understand your hurt. But I do think that you are doing the right thing

In many instances the ex family offer support in your hours of need after a split (especially if the circumstances are that it was their DC who initiated the split).

Do you have any idea how hurtful that is to the DC?

It is exactly what my parents thought they were doing - only, of course, it wasn't, because my ex had spun the them the same line he spun the solicitor/mediator etc, and it was only when the financial disclosure took place was done that I was vindicated. Reprehensible behaviour but no affair on my part, but financial and emotional abuse on his part.
By then, of course, the damage was done. My parents had said supportive things to my ex that he continued to refer to years later, they had said things to me that they couldn't unsay, and they had shattered my trust in them.

They told me they were grieving for their Son-in-law; a man they didn't really know and who they believed over me, and then backtracked with the line "we don't know who to believe"

I urge any parents-in-law who may be thinking of supporting their in-laws during a split to think very, very carefully, no matter how hurt you are. My parents no longer have a relationship with eitherof their DCs due to the way in which they favoured my ex.

Incidentally, events such as graduations and weddings for the OP's children will be for her and her ex and her to agree on who is going to attend. It is completely different and separate to this particular scenario.

I think weddings, graduations etc. are a different matter, they are focused on the children and the all the real and step parents should be there for the kids. However, for a funeral of your ex's grandparent you need to respect his (and his new family's) views. I'm sure it's not to be awful to you but the SM will want to be focusing on looking after her husband and (if it has been decided they go) her step children. I am an SM (met the father years after they split) and although we all get along, gatherings of the old and new family for birthdays etc. are really hard because it's always constant cheery faces and politeness, it makes it very difficult to relax. The kids always want to be around their mum and more or less ignore me which I know is natural for them, although when we're alone as a family they love being with me. It might sound selfish but that is so hard, it's crushing and makes me dread the events. As a good SM I parent them and love them as my own, but it's very difficult to parent them when real mum's there making the situation internally very stressful. A funeral should not have extra dreads and stresses and needs to feel natural for the family. If course if you're there the kids will want to go to you and maybe the father will then want to go to comfort the kids too. Then the SM, who's family it now is, will have to be all cheery politeness rather than feeling she is there for her husband and SC. it may sound selfish but the day is the SM's GMIL's funeral and she'll be upset too. Please just pay your respects in a different way and let them all know you'll stay away and pay your respects in a different way. I'm sure there wouldn't be a drama but the SM will feel crushed on such an important day. It's a very difficult situation but from the SM point of view when there are kids the ex wife is such a constant, it's not a situation that the SM would probably choose, but it's often reality and she'll be there for her love of the husband and kids. Please don't judge it. Please don't make the day worse for her and him as a funeral is such an emotional and private time, let them be a family. She won't be doing it to be against you but to protect herself.

I don't know why people are still urging op not to go when she posted that she is not going to, including this further update last night:

"Lots to think about and mull over. I won't be going and will stick with the plan to send flowers and (well dressed) children. SM and SIL will be able to watch them. Ex is doing readings and pallbearing."

I do feel the need to say again op that you are NBU to feel utterly fucked off about it all. I think they have treated you very badly (whoever it might be) and I feel for you.

Incidentally, events such as graduations and weddings for the OP's children will be for her and her ex and her to agree on who is going to attend

Those events are the DCs, and it is up to them to decide who they want there, it is not their parents decision.
if they invite their SM, mum, dad and stepdad and one refuses on the grounds that one of the others is there then that is unreasonable on the part of the refusing adult, IMO.
Excluding a stepparent in order to appease a parent can have significant repercussions.

But Ruby, this SM won't even attend the school plays or birthday parties of her SC, even though she is invited. On the one occasion, when she and the first wife were in the same room by accident, she made it very clear how annoyed she was.

I can understand the first wife finding it difficult when she has to meet her replacement at events involving her children, but why the other way round?

Unless she is the OW, which doesn't apply in this case, I don't see why she should be so stressed that she would make problems for the family about the first wife attending the funeral of someone she knew well for a long time and, as a good dil, thought of as her dgm.

She's in the position of power here. She's the one who's married to Op's ex. I can't think that her attitude will endear her to her new family. Or her stepchildren.

thyme the hostility from the DW may be due to other people's behaviour.

My DH has no time for my ex, largely because he's seen the upset that my parents relationship with him has caused me. My own opinion is that my ex is not responsible, my parents are, but my DH is frustrated that my ex isn't capable of more sensitivity and thought.

Couple that with the fact that for many DWs, exWs are scary! My DHs ex had an affair and caused their marriage to end, but she still scares the bejeebus out of me! If I know I'm going to be in the same room as her (usually the court waiting room) - my heart rate increases, I get butterflies - all the classic symptoms of anxiety. I wouldn't choose to be in a room with her.
I also don't think it's my place to go to parents evenings, and repeated invites from the OP to do so may come across as pushy.

It sounds like the sm doesn't want reminding that the dc have a mother.
She sounds so evil btw.
I certainly wouldn't include her in anything to do with your children, and would be keeping them away from her as much as possible.
E.g their father deals with their care and she butts out.
I feel for you, she sounds horrible and I'm sure your dc can pick up on it.
I hope you told the dc why you aren't going, don't lie to them, let them know what she's like.

newlife what leads you to that conclusion?
Because the DSM declines the OPs invitations to the DCs sports days and parents evenings?

Yet you've labelled her an evil woman who shouldn't be allowed near the DCs?

Have you been watching too many Disney movies?

Pretty

To not want the mother of her step children at a funeral where the mother was very close to the deceased is pretty evil in my book.
From what else the OP has said it sounds like when the new wife is in public she doesn't want people being reminded she isn't their mother.
Maybe she tries to pass them off as her own when with strangers, who knows.
Despite being invited to become part of the family she has declined which is her choice, so I wouldn't include her anymore.
Would you keep going back just to be declined.
She either wants in or not, not just when it suits.