AIBU to be utterly fucked off with children stepmother and ex husband

[Mycoffeeisblack]

We've been amicably divorced for 5 years. Two children, I've only met her on a number of occasions. I've extended invites to the children's parties, school plays etc. She never comes and always has other plans. Like wise with sporting events. She turns up only if Im not going to be there. I went once when I had said I wasn't going to and she had a face like a slapped arse the whole time.

Ex's grandmother died last week. I've known her since I was 17 (over 20 years). She's been sick for a long time and I was visiting her every month with ex MIL in her care home.

So funeral is being planned. Ex had asked me not to attend. He understands I might want to but it would be awkward for him and ex and he would appreciate me staying away.

I have no interest in causing drama during a shit time for the whole family. I didn't bother replying. MIL called me earlier to talk about the DC going to the funeral etc. She clearly didn't realise I wasn't going so I said what ex had asked and that I would be staying away.

She went mad and said no I'm not having that I'll call him. She's just called back to say that after speaking with ex she thinks it might make things harder for ex and his wife if I am there. She did suggest i could stay in the car, slip in after the service has started and then leave at the end. However ex was concerned the children would want to see me.

I said it was fine. I didn't need to go and don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

However I am utterly fucked off that this woman is allowed to throw her little temper tantrum and effectively ban me from saying goodbye to a lovely woman I've known for over 20 years. I'm fucked off that MIL is pretty much backing her up and not saying actually this is nonsense and if Coffee wants to come she can.

I've never had a crossed word with this woman. Don't argue with ex. I'm not sure what the bloody hell everyone seems so 'uncomfortable' with

I think she's being ridiculous.
You have done your best to include her in everything, she has done and is doing her best to EXclude you from everything. Your children are her husband's children - you are part of their lives, as is he (and now she is too).

Trying to eliminate you completely from your children's extended family is fucking ridiculous and childish.

I wouldn't go now, because it will create problems for your DC, and possibly for your MIL - but I agree that you should now stop trying to include her in anything that you have arranged.

Your MIL sounds lovely, and I hope you do take her up on her offer to go with her to scatter GMIL's ashes, because at least then you'll be able to say your last goodbyes with someone who loves you as well as GMIL.

Maybe you need to have a frank conversation with ex about your involvement with his family, and how children-related things will work in future. He might feel that you're over involved and that his mum is too reliant on you. Whether that is right or wrong is subjective - you just need to find a way forward that everyone can live with.

She's not his new girlfriend. She's his wife.

And, I repeat, from what the OP has said, she has said nothing. It's all come from the ex-husband.

I hope you change your mind Mycoffee, I think you should be at this funeral.

Not hiding from your children.

Maybe keeping a low profile and staying in the background, because you sound sensitive and kind.

This is yet another example of what happens in blended families.

It's not easy, but it's what people need to come to terms with.

Nobody can erase the 20 years of history that you have had with this woman.

It has nothing to do with who is is what position now.

EXH wife needs to grow up.

for you OP, sorry you're having to deal with this playground shit as well as losing someone you loved.

I second the poster that said you need to have a chat with your EX about the precedent his wife is making. Is she going to be happy being excluded from graduations and weddings too?

I really don't think you should go now your ex MIL has made it clear she is grateful you are being magnanimous about not going. Turning up now would be on a par with the SMs actions and would probably be viewed as being antagonistic by the rest of the family.

As you say OP this isn't about you and SM it's actually about a grieving family. I think you are doing the right thing about being the bigger person.

I think it was really sweet of ex MIL to invite you to scatter the ashes with her as that's a lot more moving in many ways.

I think that's really shitty and unfair . But by going you are going against your MIL and that doesn't seem right at all.
Be the bigger person and go to the ashes.
I come from a blended family situation and things like this are bloody Awful. Why should people feel awkward esp if there hasn't been any bad feeling before!
But you must accept it ultimately there's no choice.

I haven't RTFT but in your position I would totally go to the funeral.
My mum had this done to her when her partner, my younger sister's dad, died. The family told her to stay away from the funeral but my mum was still expected to cover costs, even the funeral director rang her to cover payment as his parents had given them her number they blamed my mum for his death!
My mum considered not going but in the end she went, looking stunning, as she always did when they were together and got a seat right at the front and said goodbye to her soulmate.

Horrible horrible people. Over the following couple of weeks when his things were being shared out between the family, my mum wanted a few sentimental things to give to my sister once she was older and one day an ex girlfriend of his showed up and on the driveway, clutching a load of possessions she proudly proclaimed to my mum "look what I got!" My mum, picking up my sister said "very good, but look what I've got" and went inside. Our house was next door to his parents. My mum and his young daughter (sis) got none of the sentimental things she wanted to put in a memory box for sis.

Some people baffle me when trying to control other people's grief. Yours is an incredibly sad situation and I really feel for you but I would go no matter what anyone said, this is a person you have known and cared for for 20+ years, you can't be stopped from saying goodbye. If you'd done something terrible to the family then yes of course they'd be right to want you out of the way but from what you've said you haven't.
And my kids wouldn't be going to a funeral at that age without me and if the situation was reversed I'd encourage my DH to attend given the history.
sorry you're in this situation

As my nana (mums mum) said to my dad. He divorced my mum, not the rest of the family and she does and always will see him as her son in law. Same clearly applies to you and your ex mil op and his new wife doesn't like it and is jealous. Well tough.

How old are your DC?

Your ex MiL calls you for favours and your ex bil/sil approach you professionally?

There are a lot of boundaries being crossed there, OP - and I say that as someone whose exH spent his Honeymoon visiting my parents with his new DW.

It may be the DW making a stand in this case, but it may be that your ex has finally had enough and told his mum it's not on - and let's be honest, she's far more likely to put the blame on his DW than her own son, tbh.

I have no idea why you have chosen to stay so close to your exs family despite it creating bad feeling between you and your ex - but I'm certain it can't be for the benefit of your DCs.
You don't have to have anything to do with your exMIL for the DCs to have a relationship with her - their dad can do that.

I would go, sit at the back and leave before the end......

.....and let him sort the clothes for the children.

OP, Your ex has not really thought this through has he,

As he is now setting a setting precedent for all future situations, because you are about to respect his wishes and be absent at a family occasion because it makes his wife feel uncomfortable, he will of course make sure that his wife does not attend any family occasions where you might be made to feel uncomfortable .

So she will be happy never to come to any gradations, birthdays, engagements, weddings.

Did she know he had children before she married him?

I think Thatsnotmyrabbit said it perfectly. Good luck Op as it's not a nice situation for you.

This is very poor behaviour.

No one can ban anyone from a church service, and if you wish to mourn because you loved the person who died, you should go. You are grieving for her and a funeral service does offer comfort, and an acknowledgement of a life ended.

Tell your ex-husband you are going to the service, so he is prepared; it isn't about him, it is about his grandmother. If your children want to speak to you, let them. The stepmother cannot dictate conditions at a funeral and she needs to learn appropriate behaviour. No one has the right to bar anyone from a funeral service. (I know Sally Burton banned Elizabeth Taylor, and look at the fallout that ensued. Very spiteful too.)

Did she know he had children before she married him?

That's a ridiculous question - knowing that her DH had children and knowing that his exW would maintain a close personal relationship with his family are two entirely different things.

Just like saying that I should have known that my exH and his DW would become close friends with my parents.

I'd go, I'd text MIL and Ex and say I plan to go there to be to support your children and pay your respects. You haven't been given a valid reason to stay away, SM will have to get used to being his second wife sometime

The children don't need support from their mother, they will have all the paternal family there. The chief mounted is presumably the mil and she has agreed should stay away. How embarrassing to turn up, turning heads, and making a point like the spectre at the feast when the grandmother is dead and won't care.

Mourner not mounted

I can sort of see the exDH and SM's point of view on this.

I wouldn't like it if I married again and moved on and my ex kept turning up at family events.

Likewise, I would struggle with my DP's ex turning up like a bad penny at all of his family events.

Too many boundaries crossed IMO. The new wife wants a relationship with her husband and his family. She doesn't want a relationship with you. And that's fair enough I reckon. It's not necessary for you and her to be chummy chums.

Technically anyone is allowed to attend a public funeral, so if you reckon you could slip in and out discreetly then by all means go. But don't go to make a point. It wouldn't be the time or the place. Especially since your MIL has asked you not to come now.

I wouldn't let my children go to a funeral without me. Especially if it is the first one they have been to. I would also be incredibly angry that one woman's insecurities are a)stopping you from grieving and paying respects to a woman you loved and b) stopping you from being able to support your children at a time of grief and confusion. Clearly, her needs are more important than anyone else's including children.

The latest post by OP does suggest part of this issue is about ex-MIL.

My own MIL struggled when both my DH's brother and sister divorced. She seemed to feel guilty about her DC's divorces and all credit to her worked hard to maintain relationship's with her DC's ex's and partly also to ensure she maintained a relationship with her DGCs. Sometimes it did feel uncomfortable when she chatted about ex's when new partners were first introduced to family. DH's DB has actually never taken his new partner to meet his DM even after 20 years together partly because of this awkwardness.

It's difficult to get this right a lot of the time, but OP needs to take a back seat at family occasions on the ex-ILs side whilst reassuring MIL she doesn't need to be taking sides or defending OPs rights to be involved.

Being divorced does mean effectively she is just a long-term acquaintance of the ILs she is 'only' the DM of the GC/nieces & nephews. OP needs for her own sake to build other relationships away from ex's family.

Best to decline the ash scattering event too, I guess ex-MIL has suggested this to somehow make her feel included. This occasion should just be for the family too and it's really not appropriate for OP to be involved.

Do work on establishing some more appropriate boundaries for the sake of DC. Might be helpful for OP to discuss with Ex H how his Family are still asking for inappropriate favours.