AIBU to be utterly fucked off with children stepmother and ex husband

[Mycoffeeisblack]

We've been amicably divorced for 5 years. Two children, I've only met her on a number of occasions. I've extended invites to the children's parties, school plays etc. She never comes and always has other plans. Like wise with sporting events. She turns up only if Im not going to be there. I went once when I had said I wasn't going to and she had a face like a slapped arse the whole time.

Ex's grandmother died last week. I've known her since I was 17 (over 20 years). She's been sick for a long time and I was visiting her every month with ex MIL in her care home.

So funeral is being planned. Ex had asked me not to attend. He understands I might want to but it would be awkward for him and ex and he would appreciate me staying away.

I have no interest in causing drama during a shit time for the whole family. I didn't bother replying. MIL called me earlier to talk about the DC going to the funeral etc. She clearly didn't realise I wasn't going so I said what ex had asked and that I would be staying away.

She went mad and said no I'm not having that I'll call him. She's just called back to say that after speaking with ex she thinks it might make things harder for ex and his wife if I am there. She did suggest i could stay in the car, slip in after the service has started and then leave at the end. However ex was concerned the children would want to see me.

I said it was fine. I didn't need to go and don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

However I am utterly fucked off that this woman is allowed to throw her little temper tantrum and effectively ban me from saying goodbye to a lovely woman I've known for over 20 years. I'm fucked off that MIL is pretty much backing her up and not saying actually this is nonsense and if Coffee wants to come she can.

I've never had a crossed word with this woman. Don't argue with ex. I'm not sure what the bloody hell everyone seems so 'uncomfortable' with

I wouldn't go, but I don't think I'd let my DC go either. I don't think it's appropriate for an obviously insensitive SM to look after them, and presumably ex will be too upset.

And in a few weeks I'd be going to see Mrs XH and asking her directly what her problem is, when all you've ever done is try to facilitate her role in the life of your family.

I'm afraid that I would go, although not actually for your own grief. Your children should not have to deal with a funeral of one of their great grandparents without their mother there for comfort and guidance. Adults find bereavement hard enough but for children funerals can be scary and, obviously, unhappy places. I know they have their father there but his grief is bound to be as raw if not more so than yours. This is one of those occasions where I'm afraid the adults need to be adults to allow the children the best possible care whilst there.

I feel awful for your ex mother in law, too. How awful that this is what she is having to deal with rather than her own grief. Good luck!

Oriunda

We'd have similar scenes in my family which is why I'm firmly in the stay away camp. Not that the OP would be the one making a scene in this scenario I'm sure.

When you divorce someone your position in their family changes. Other than on MN.

Decaff, has OP stated that the SM is the OW (not that it should matter). I don't recall seeing that.

Totally agree with you on this one. Its pathetic. She got your man, and now she wants to pretend you dont exist.
I've been in the same boat so I'm biased. But this is a shit example to set the kids, and its totally unfair on you.

I think your description 'face like a slapped arse' sums it up. She can only pretend to be Snow White if the evidence of her behaviour isnt there.

Do what you want from now on. You're going to be hung as a wolf whatever you do. But if I were you, you have the moral high ground and the view is better, so carry on as before.

I would send the ex a text along the lines of:

"Hello ex.

After speaking with MIL I have decided, for her sake, to forego coming to the funeral. I have no wish for her to have to suffer any more stress than she has to on such a sad day.

However, I want to make something quite clear.

I am very saddened to have to keep away. I was very fond of Grandma. Remember, I knew her for 20 years and we always got on well.

This is the last time I will collude in pandering to your wife. The fact that she cannot deal with my existence is her problem. Not mine. We are all -supposedly - adults and quite frankly it is absolutely ludicrous that I have to stay away from the funeral of someone I was close to because your wife wouldn't like it.

This will NOT be happening again."

It sets a precedence though doesn't it

What is this woman going to do when in later years there are wonderful events for the children - and she can't go?

I would text and say now if this is how its going to be so be it, for 18ths, graduations, weddings etc then that's how it will be.

Make sure there is no changing the goal posts later on and she ruins a party with her behaviour

I would stay away as well but only because I would not want to upset ex MIL. It would undoubtedly cause her stress if she felt she had to referee between you and her son and his new wife.
As for the clothes, you don't want to seem 'over-invested' or however your ex framed it, so it would be more 'appropriate' for them to decide how they wanted your children attired!

If it were me I'd be directing my anger to exH.

Why...

• you've known your exGMiL for 20yrs+ and crucially kept relations with her post divorce. You have a relationship with her.
• your children are young, this is their first funeral. They may want to be comforted by you not exH or exMiL.

Your exH should be adult enough under these circumstances to tell girlfriend/wife to put up and shut up under these circumstances. But he's bottled for the easy life.

You could write him an email outlining why you are disgusted with his (and her) behaviour.
I wouldn't be buying or organising/dressing the children for the funeral. I might even insist they stay over at exH the night before (for their ease!).
I wouldn't be bothering to facilitate the new partner with future events - but then I am petty.

I wouldn't go to the funeral and skulk at the back. Plenty of people will ask why you're not there, both at the funeral and to you (I'd tell them the truth).

I think it's a testament to your exMiL that she want's you there when the ashes are scattered. A much more personal, meaningful, private time.

God no she isn't OW (although there was an OW and thats why we divorced).

DC really like her, i've only met her briefly on a few occasions. Exchanged hellos etc. She text me once about a birthday present she wanted to get for DD to ask about sizes etc. I've not had a crossed word with her.

I'm not going to go. Have ordered a simple bunch of white roses which oldest DC can take for me.

I am aware that i'm no longer a part of the family. But you can't erase history, i've known MIL and GMIL since I was 17 years old.

She sounds like a twat. So does your ex.

I know you're raging (understandably) but your MIL is caught between the devil and the deep blue sea with this. I feel for her, she's grieving too so your ex/SM have been really selfish putting this on her.

I think you should say that

"I will be sad to not be at the service but I completely understand the position you have been put in and don't want to do anything that will make the day more difficult for you. I'll say my goodbyes with you later when we scatter the Ashes".

In time, the fact that one of you was accommodating at a difficult time and the other made it all about them will be remembered. Do yourself credit and take the moral high ground. The view is much better there.

Sorry for your loss

Overall it sounds like things are great. Funerals aren't a big deal. You know how much you meant to exGMIL and you're going to be involved in the ashes scattering.

I wouldn't worry about a precedent as it's only come up here because this isn't your family.

Graduations, weddings, birthdays etc you will have priority by default.

It's great that you've made it ok for your DC to have a good relationship with her.

Aside from the fact that it's probably not entirely healthy to behave this way in front of the kids (would it kill her to say a polite "hello" and "goodbye" in your company??) and that this child woman needs to grow up...

I would say to the OP, please, please go to the funeral. This has nothing to do with your ex and his partner, the funeral is entirely about saying goodbye to somebody you love very much and is an important part of the grieving process. I feel particularly strongly about this because I saw my own mum go through some really terrible times with her own divorced parents and a lifetime of her struggling to appease her parents and step-mother's wishes, with nobody having any regard for my mum's feelings. There were so many regrets and "I should've gone", "should've done this", "should've said that" for her and it was so sad.

Please, OP, please go to the funeral. Be polite, do or don't say anything to the ex and his partner and the step-kids, do whatever feels comfortable, don't rock the boat. But remember that this is a significant occasion to mark and pay respect to a wonderful woman and to celebrate your relationship with her and say goodbye. This is an occasion for you as much as for the family - I'm sure your ex MIL would appreciate you being there and may need you as another shoulder to cry on. Please go!

Ridiculous childish woman. I feel for you OP.

I'm sure your ex MIL would appreciate you being there and may need you as another shoulder to cry on. Please go!

No, the exMIL has thanked the OP for agreeing not to go. To be comforted by her in front of the new wife would be awkward as anything.

While it's kinder to your Ex MIL to stay away from the funeral, this issue of the SM does need to be resolved.

There are going to be many future significant events that involve the children; plays, parents evenings, graduations, weddings, etc.

The SM needs to understand she can't expect you to stay away from things like this, and your ex needs to understand this too.

Quite frankly, she comes across as jealous.

Er, unless your ex is Italian and he hasn't told me he even had a grandmother still alive (let alone 2 kids) then no, I am not her.

But a cautionary tale...one of my very best friends was like you- her marriage ended and she continued to see her ex MIL, to be very close to her in fact, would turn up uninvited by her ex, to family events. It was crushingly embarrassing eventually and her ex (with whom she too had had an amicable split) had to lay it on the line with both her and her ex-MIL. He didn't want his ex wife hanging round at his family events. Not his new wife, she didn't give a toss beyond finding it a bit undignified. The ex husband. He told her she needed to move on and stay away and eventually, even the ex MIL stopped having anything to do with her. Because she (the ex MIL) chose her son over he ex DIL. As she would. She was probably more devastated by that, than by the actual divorce.

It's hard, but as others have said, your involvement isn't healthy.

I went to my grandma's funeral (also my first) with my Dad and my stepmum. My Mum had grown up next door but one to my grandparents and known them all her life, but it wouldn 't have crossed her mind to go.

What happens when MIL dies? Do you try and pull rank there as well? Because you knew her longest?

Again, sorry (honestly) for being so harsh, but this is not healthy at all.

I think you've made the right decision not to go, purely out of respect for your ex MIL. It will be a stressful day and the last thing they need is an uncomfortable atmosphere. I'm sure she gets whats going on and is just taking the easiest path in this case.

My Dad's girlfriend was like this and used to run away if we (his kids or my mum (ex) ended up at the same event. By the time he actually moved in with her, we were adults and we really were not sad to see him go, but they had been living together for about 5 years before we actually met her. She did eventually get over it but I just thought she was a coward and never had any respect for her (or my dad for that matter).
The problem is totally her problem and I'm sure your MIL knows that and your kids probably will do too one day. Stay being the grown up and don't lower yourself to her level.

Just remember the person who has died isn't there as a person. She won't know if you are there or not. This is all about the living. perhaps if you are not going then the children should not go either. It would not be normal for children at a funeral not to be sitting with their mother.

"She went mad and said no I'm not having that I'll call him."

I think her initial reaction speaks volumes. MIL may be another trying mollifying new wife (for the obvious reason that she now has to forge relationship).

Obviously when it's family events including the children, then the mother and father get to be boss.

This isn't about the children, it's about the ex's mother.

The children will be sitting with their father at the funeral I presume?

The SM needs to understand she can't expect you to stay away from things like this, and your ex needs to understand this too

But if it wasn't the ex's family then she wouldn't have. It won't apply to anything else.

God this is a really tough one. On one hand I want to say take the moral high ground and stay away for MIL's sake - the last thing she needs is drama at her mothers funeral. But then why should you have to stay away from the funeral of someone you loved for the sake of a woman who is, frankly, behaving like a spoilt child? And how many other important occasions will she expect you to stay away from once she gets her own way this time? What is your relationship like with your exH, could you have a frank conversation with him and get to the bottom of this, and explain why it is so ridiculous that you are being asked not to attend the funeral of someone you were so close to - what does this woman think will happen if you are there?

It would not be normal for children at a funeral not to be sitting with their mother

They have another parent who will be there