AIBU to be utterly fucked off with children stepmother and ex husband

[Mycoffeeisblack]

We've been amicably divorced for 5 years. Two children, I've only met her on a number of occasions. I've extended invites to the children's parties, school plays etc. She never comes and always has other plans. Like wise with sporting events. She turns up only if Im not going to be there. I went once when I had said I wasn't going to and she had a face like a slapped arse the whole time.

Ex's grandmother died last week. I've known her since I was 17 (over 20 years). She's been sick for a long time and I was visiting her every month with ex MIL in her care home.

So funeral is being planned. Ex had asked me not to attend. He understands I might want to but it would be awkward for him and ex and he would appreciate me staying away.

I have no interest in causing drama during a shit time for the whole family. I didn't bother replying. MIL called me earlier to talk about the DC going to the funeral etc. She clearly didn't realise I wasn't going so I said what ex had asked and that I would be staying away.

She went mad and said no I'm not having that I'll call him. She's just called back to say that after speaking with ex she thinks it might make things harder for ex and his wife if I am there. She did suggest i could stay in the car, slip in after the service has started and then leave at the end. However ex was concerned the children would want to see me.

I said it was fine. I didn't need to go and don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

However I am utterly fucked off that this woman is allowed to throw her little temper tantrum and effectively ban me from saying goodbye to a lovely woman I've known for over 20 years. I'm fucked off that MIL is pretty much backing her up and not saying actually this is nonsense and if Coffee wants to come she can.

I've never had a crossed word with this woman. Don't argue with ex. I'm not sure what the bloody hell everyone seems so 'uncomfortable' with

You really should NOT go when the family have asked you to stay away.

This isn't about you, it is about a bereaved family trying to come to terms with their loss.SM is part of the family now and you are not.SM needs to be there to support her DH

I think you're doing the right thing, OP. But I absolutely understand why you'd be furious at the SM. It takes someone astonishingly petty and self-absorbed to feel entitled to dictate the guest list at their husband's grandmother's funeral.

You are right to rise above it so as not to cause drama to the bereaved exMIL. You will have a chance to say goodbye to the grandmother when you go to scatter the ashes with exMIL. And you will absolutely have the high moral ground.

At that point you need to have a word with your ex. He needs to hear that you have bent over backwards to be civil to this woman and were disgusted at her making an old woman's funeral all about her, that you will continue to have a relationship with the children's grandmother and you need his support in ensuring that everyone is grown-up and courteous about it.

Yes, of course, Usual, and that's normal. I slept at my gran's every Saturday night, dropped off by my Mum, picked up on Sunday, pleasantries and Christmas presents always exchanged.

She would never have thought she should be at a family do though. (and I know, because she told me, that my Gran far preferred my Mum to my Stepmum, but she respected her son's choice)

I think you're doing the right thing by staying away, given that you've been asked to, politely, by the deceased's daughter.

You sound like a great mum, by the way. And mature.

I suppose that the new wife has insecurities, perhaps understandable given that he's a proven cheat. It's unfortunate.

No to sorting outfits, that's down to him.

A funeral can be very traumatic for children the age of yours. Is your ex going to give them the support the need or will he be too busy dealing with his wife's issues on the day? Because for me this would have a massive baring on what I did next.

No to sorting outfits, that's down to him.

A funeral can be very traumatic for children the age of yours. Is your ex going to give them the support the need or will he be too busy dealing with his wife's issues on the day? Because for me this would have a massive baring on what I did next.

Er, where does the OP say any of this has come from the ex's wife?

As I've read it, it was him who said it would be too embarrassing for him and his wife for the ex to be there?

And tbh, the ash scattering thing sounds like it was a kind (but also potentially problematic) afterthought. She told you it would be best for all if you didn't go, you said OK, she said thanks for understanding, then rings later to say "how about later you come with me to scatter the ashes?" I would graciously turn that down as well.

Be the better person here, and move on from this family.

I agree with not going.

But I think the ash-scattering with your ex-MiL will probably be more meaningful in the long run. I think the fact that she wants you there at such a time is very sweet.

Depending on where she's being scattered you could make a lovely ceremony of it, sharing memories and a quiet walk.

Graduations, weddings, birthdays etc you will have priority by default.

Really? With a woman like this, I can see demands being made and everyone bowing down to her to appease her

Nobody posting here knows the history between op and ex\new wife. What if the ex husband\new wife has a good reason for thinking its inappropriate for the ex wife to attend?

The thing about no longer being a part of the family and respecting boundaries. I get that. However what about their side of the family respecting boundaries.

MIL is in contact throughout the week. She lives around the corner and will pop in to say hello even when the DC aren't here.

Ex SIL and Bil regularly ask me to do something within my line of work for them. I do, as i've always done, no charge as usual.

MIL called me at 1am to ask if I could come and jump her car as she needed to get to the vets in an emergency and it was dead.

Is this then a case of family when they want you to be, not family when they don't?

I would refrain to make life easier for her, not due to any foot stomping by the OW (even though that is where it stems from).

There is nowhere at all that says she was OW!

Stop making assumptions.

Just a word of caution though - all very well mil saying that you should go to the ashes scattering - but can you really imagine sm wanting you to be there once she knows you have been invited?

Even if she didn't want to go, if she doesn't want you to go to the public funeral there's no way she's going to want you at something more intimate and meaningful...

How will you feel if you don't go to the funeral and then get told you can't go to the scattering of the ashes either?

I'm not sure if there are answers - just raising it so you you can be prepared if anything does get said, you can have your responses thought out in advance and not get taken by surprise...

If sending flowers I'd also put something along the lines of wishing that I'd been allowed to say goodbye but that you're thinking of her and you know that she will understand better than you do. But you're probably a better person than I am!

I would go to the funeral (out of deference to the family issue I would arrive late, sit at the back and leave at the end, definitely not attend the wake). It's a funeral, not a party hosted by your exdh's new wife, she doesnt get to say who goes! The whole point of a funeral is anyone who knew and appreciated the deceased is free to go along and pay their respects.

The only thing that would stop me going in this case, is if you think your ex's new wife would make a scene during the service? Would she? That would be outrageous (and very Eastenderish!) and would certainly cause undue stress to your exMIL on what will be an emotional day for her

I wonder what will happen in a few years time when your DC get married, christen their DC etc? It would be better to bring this silly behaviour by the SM to an end now, rather than have your DC dealing with concerns about how their SM will behave at future events where the must have their DF and DM present and getting along

Well said Rabbit

I would be hurting too as you have known her all that time, shared family events together as she was your DC's GGM.

It should not have to be this way and you saw how upset your exMIL is with your ex over what he has decided. He is not being fair to his own DM or his DC in what he has asked of you. Your dear ex MIL is in the middle but shouldn't be.

A funeral is about saying goodbye. Anyone who knew the person who has passed should be welcome. It is not for anyone else (whoever they are) to dictate that.

How old are your DCs?

The ashes are being split so people can do what they want with their share. Ex and SM will do their own. I will go with MIL.

MIL is always trying to be as fair to everyone as possible. As evidenced by the splitting of ashes into about 8 different parcels!

I feel for you op. As your mil has indicated she'd prefer you to stay away youre in a sticky situation. Could you perhaps try this compromise, you stay away from funeral your dc go with exH and SM. ExH and SM leave for the wake or whatever get together is planned exH hands over your DC and leave your flowers and chat together about their great grandma.
Id also tell ExH he's an arse for making a fuss and that his wife won't be welcome at your dc's 18th, school plays, graduation,weddings etc. as if they can't act like grown ups two can play at that game.
I know you're too grown up to do that but it'd probably make you feel better.

It's hard, but as others have said, your involvement isn't healthy.

OP, please, seriously, don't listen to people saying this ^^ stuff.

My parents divorced when I was five, and my mother and my dad's mum (her ex MIL) remained close friends for the rest of my grandmother's life, even though the split was not amicable.

My mum is still good friends with my dad's sister to this day, and sees her more regularly than my dad does. They really enjoy each other's company, and it would be silly for them to stop being friends because my mum and dad's marriage didn't work out.

It was wonderful for me growing up to know that the families were close, and that we could all be a unit despite the tensions between my mum and dad, who still struggle to be in the same room without sniping at each other.

My SM, who is quite insecure (and who married my dad when my sister and I were adults), has put pressure on my dad's family to have less to do with my mum, but happily, no one has ever agreed. We had to have firm but gentle words with all three of them before weddings and christenings to make sure that everyone knew that everyone else was being included, and that we expected them all to suspend hostilities for the duration of the event.

All of that said, I think you're doing the right thing by mourning privately with your ex MIL after the funeral. It is a shame that your kids' SM can't rise above the situation, but it is thoughtful of you to do so. I'm sure your ex MIL will appreciate your support in not contributing to an overly-dramatic situation.

After the funeral, though, I'd have words with her and your ex about how to behave like adults at all the remaining milestones that will come up in the kids' lives. It's clearly not acceptable that she should be able to "ban" you from family events. And if she wants a good, long-term relationship with your children, she will need to put all of her resentment aside - the kids will be able to tell who is driving the drama if she doesn't.

This is a case of you are no longer family but you are useful as a friend. ...

What you need to do is understand and decide on is where your loyalty lies and whether you have an amicable relationship with this family due to you being to accommodating

Oh I'd have to say something about this!

"Dear XH

I'm sorry your latest girlfriend is too insecure to cope with me being at the funeral of your grandmother. I've noticed she refuses to attend anything if I'm present. Given we have no intention of getting back together, it seems quite odd. I'm assuming you did tell her that you were unfaithful to me?

I'm assuming she'll continue to keep away, then, when the children have parties, graduate and get married. I would hate her to feel uncomfortable and it would be much better if she did stay away then.

As always, I wish you the best of luck."

Hmm. Now that you've said a bit more about how involved you are with your ex's family I can see it a bit more from the SM's point of view. If I were married to a man whose entire family still treated my husband's ex more like a member of the family than they did me I might be a bit insecure too. She's chosen the worst possible context in which to make a stand about this, but in a way I can see why she'd feel the way she does and resent the role you obviously play in your ex's family and the closeness you share with them all.

This is not to excuse her behaviour, which is inexcusable. But I think I can understand her perspective a bit more.

Op go to the funeral and dont hide from your own children.

How fucking ridiculous that you've been told you are to hide from your OWN children at a funeral of a woman you've known for years.

No one on this planet would tell me to hide from my DD because the SM might have a bloody tantrum.

Pull up your big girl knickers and tell your EX you will be there, if she dont like it, then tough shit.

So, what will happen at other significant events? Your child's graduation, 18th birthday bash, wedding etc. Presumably SM will want to be there then? Has she thought of that?
It's ridiculous that you can't go to a funeral of someone you were close to. And by banning you she's making it awkward to think she'll be welcome at future events that will involve you and your children.

x post Imperial!