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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to hate the way that people talk about "passing"

324 replies

Squeegle · 13/02/2016 18:09

It just seems so weird and, dare I say it, fake touchy feely. People now don't seem to say died, they refer to passing. As in, "My grandmother passed last year", or they have both passed now. Why can't people just say she died. I find it very odd, and don't understand when it all started. People would occasionally use "passed away", when I was growing up as a bit of a euphemism - but now it feels as if people are scared to say the word die. AIBU?

OP posts:
OttiliaVonBCup · 14/02/2016 15:50

Mrs De Vere, I think the context of the group you talk about is different to some extent.

I'm trying to be very careful in what I'm saying, I really don't want to offend or go too far, I think it has to do with the direction of the anger and the degree to which people realise this is what they are doing, and with the safety of a same minded group.

Sometimes people lash out because they don't have that.

It's very sad though. Grieve and let grieve, as someone so rightly said above.

MrsDeVere · 14/02/2016 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hamishandthefoxes · 14/02/2016 15:57

I think you should use whatever language gives you comfort and if yours responding to someone who has been bereaved, take your cue from them.

But I was pissed off when I was explaining at work recently that I'd had s couple of days off following the death of a family member to be told by that I should be saying "she's passed" rather than she's died. Not to do so was apparently upsetting to co-workers who can go to fuck if they criticise how I want to describe my bereavement.

Thornrose · 14/02/2016 15:57

I really regret posting now. I'm worried that my post is included in the ones that have caused upset. If it has then I'm really sorry.

I would never, ever intentionally upset a bereaved parent. God knows I've seen first hand the devastation it brings.

sugar21 · 14/02/2016 15:58

Mrs D
Spot on. I believe my dd has gone " somewhere nice" because that it what gets me through every day. However I also swear and get angry. It's whatever gets us through isn't it? I do not disrespect your views and I know you do not disrespect mine.
What I do disrespect is complete arseholes telling people like you and I who have both lost daughters how to talk about our daughters.
I'm going to state the obvious would these people like to be in our shoes?
Answer NO so they should STFU

OttiliaVonBCup · 14/02/2016 16:04

No, we're not.

SirVixofVixHall · 14/02/2016 16:06

"Passed" used alone is a an American thing, that has surfaced here recently. Passed away is the normal English term. I tend to say that my father has died, as personally I don't like the social refusal to acknowlege death, and passed away sounds too understated for me somehow. I sometimes say that I've lost my father, or the Welsh "buried" him. It does differ depending on who I'm talking to, and if I'm chatting to someone about their own bereavement, then I try to echo the language they use and feel comfortable with.
I think the main thing is that we do talk to people who have experienced the death of someone they love, and that we don't isolate them further by refusing to mention it. I have an Aunt by marriage who literally changed the subject as soon as I mentioned that my Dad had died since she last saw me. I found that really shocking and hurtful, and although I don't like the term "passed", I really don't mind what words are used as long as people do talk about it.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 14/02/2016 22:16

My Dad died 17 years ago in April and it's only in the last year that I've been able to say that he died, rather than I lost him and even now I prefer to use the word lost. It's my way of dealing with it and I don't give a monkeys if some posters think I'm wrong. It's my grief and I'll handle it how I want to in the same way that I wouldn't criticise anyone else for handling their grief in their own way.

There have been some horrible posts on this thread. Some people don't want debate, they want to tell the rest of us how we should act.

Cooroo · 14/02/2016 22:24

I hate it. My mother died last year. I can't think of any other way to say it. It's what happened. Obviously if someone tells me someone close to them 'passed' I'm not going to comment, but I wish people would use the bloody word.

Cooroo · 14/02/2016 22:30

Oops, didnt RTFT and posted my response to initial post, but clearly things have moved on a lot since then. I suspect anyone bereaved couldn't care less if I'm made twitchy by euphemisms. Also, if it's someone you actually know and are talking to IRL I don't think anyone would register the actual word used. Hopefully compassion overwhelms minor irritation. It's more when it's a stranger on the internet, not someone IRL.

yolofish · 15/02/2016 00:28

I actually think this is a really important thread, and should not be deleted.

Everyone grieves differently; what matters is the sensitivity you show to the bereaved person. So if they want to think about white feathers/rainbow bridges/euphemisms, fine. If they want to scream, shout and swear, fine.

I've been lucky: just the one miscarriage; Dad died 8 weeks before my first child was born; lost a very dear friend a few years ago. And right now I am supporting my friend whose daughter is in hospital and probably dying. Friend is totally positive, despite medical advice (and to be fair, this girl has defied medical opinion 3 times in the last six weeks). So my role is to be the support, to use the words/phraseology my friend needs to hear. anything else would mean I was being a twat really.

MrsJorahMormont · 15/02/2016 01:04

I have read the thread and there are so many sad stories Sad

That said, I don't think the OP was being goady, just querying the use of 'passed' rather than 'passed away' or 'passed on'. A lot of you have given him / her food for thought.

I would like the thread to stand because it has some really important points about how people grieve differently. In our family, we always say died and so I have some sympathy for the OP's point of view, only because a particularly nauseating attendee at a family funeral was a complete drama llama and went around chatting about how dear _ had passed on to a better life. I distinctly remember wanting to rip her face open with my teeth (yes, that visceral) but it was more about the way she was turning the whole thing into a show where she was a star. So I wouldn't use a word like 'passed' because to me it would seem dramatic or insincere but I would NEVER condemn anyone else who did use the word.

And I can absolutely see how impossible it would feel to use a word like died when it's your own child. I think in those circumstances it's about using whatever language gets you through the day Thanks

ExConstance · 15/02/2016 08:04

I don't mind people using the euphemism for their own family and relations. The present situation is though that it has become or is becoming the default usage. All the suggestions for my father's funeral order of service and the communication from professionals included what was to us the ridiculous and offensive (to us) term "passed" followed by the "brave fight" nonsense. if you are diagnosed with advanced lung cancer there is no struggle, it mows you down like a giant stone and there is nothing you can do about it except be stoic and give whatever treatment everyone knows won't work a go. Acceptance and making the best is the usual situation, but if you have not "fought" that is not praiseworthy. I work in care and I'd noticed the word "passed" creeping into what are official documents, I've made it clear to all my family that I'll come back and haunt them if there is the merest mention of the word in connection with me or my DH.

SevenOfNineTrue · 15/02/2016 08:22

YABVU. Who on earth are you to tell anyone else how to refer to the death of a love one?

People will use what they feel comfortable with.

bessiebumptious2 · 15/02/2016 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CottonFrock · 15/02/2016 10:25

You know what is strange about this thread? The assumption that 'bereaved people' are in a private, separate club with a tiny number of members. Everyone is, eventually, bereaved. Everyone loses family members and close friends to death. The only difference is that it hasn't happened to some people yet, but unless someone dies him/herself very young, at least some of those they love will die before them. It's not a matter of if but when. (The exception is that people assume these days, in the first world, that their children will outlive them, but that's only been the case fairly recently. Most people, throughout most of human history, lost children, often several. It's only recently become the ultimate horror, that we can expect to escape, so that those dealing with the death of a child have to go out and look for peers in grieving, rather than knowing that many of their friends, colleagues, neighbours, relatives have also lost children.)

This country has an unspeakably weird attitude to death - it seems to view being bereaved as an intensely private, singular experience, and also as something rather embarrassing, rather than the one thing we all face.

Though I suppose it may also say something about the age profile on Mn, or the age at which people have children. My grandparents (two of whom lived with us) and two great-uncles (also lived with us) all died through my childhood and teens, and DH and I consider ourselves very fortunate to have all four of our parents still alive in their seventies, and hope our pre-schooler will remember them - but if people are becoming grandparents in their late 30s, it may mean, I suppose. that their grandchildren are far less likely to encounter the death of a close family member until well into adulthood.

Of course we should respect one another's choice of language surrounding death, but we should surely also recognise that dealing with the death of a loved one is the ultimate experience every living person has in common.

minmooch · 15/02/2016 11:36

This thread was started about the language of death. Not that we don't have to face it as you rightly say we all face bereavement at some point.there was no respect shown by the OP not by some other posters.

The grief I feel for losing my grandparent, mother, friends (all in the right natural order) is nothing compared to the grief I have in losing my 18 year old son. Is it too much to hope that people who have not experienced child death can surely empathise that certain words are just too harsh in their world that has already been devastated.

It's hard enough to deal with child bereavement without others telling us what words we should use.

Have people lost compassion?

Luckily child bereavement on this day and age is a small club. One that none of us want to belong to. Referring to my child as dead will not help me heal any quicker than if I use passed on/lost/sailed away. Just those words are less jolting on my body that is wrecked from the whole child dying process.

Do those who say euphemisms are fancy language, fake, touchy freely not have the emotional intelligence to realise we all speak differently.

Not one bereaved parent would have the audacity to tell you what word you want to use. Don't do it to us.

MrsDeVere · 15/02/2016 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

liz70 · 15/02/2016 11:56

I am happy to use the word "passing" as IME it is appropriate.

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 15/02/2016 12:52

I didn't lose my Dad. I know where he is. He's a pile of ash in the crematorium. I really wish I HAD lost him. There would be hope of finding him then. But he is dead. And that's that.

On a different note, my friend who died of cancer just before xmas used to say it was refreshing that I actually addressed her as being someone who had cancer and not refer to it as being ill - like a cold or bug. She lked the fact that I spoke about the elephant in the room.

derxa · 15/02/2016 12:56

This country has an unspeakably weird attitude to death - it seems to view being bereaved as an intensely private, singular experience, and also as something rather embarrassing, rather than the one thing we all face.
Do you mean England because I find that in (rural) Scotland it is not such an intensely private and singular experience. If someone dies the community rallies round. Large funerals where the bereaved are allowed to express their grief freely.

3sugarsplease · 15/02/2016 13:09

I think your massively being unreasonable. People can address it in which ever way they wish. With a family member or someone close the word 'die' seems so final and cold. Saying they have passed feels like there is more for them. They have passed into a better place.

YABVVVVVVVVVU.

3sugarsplease · 15/02/2016 13:10

And also I think your thread is super inappropriate and goady.

derxa · 15/02/2016 13:34

I listened to a tribute to the late comedian Linda Smith this morning. She died at 48 of ovarian cancer. She described how people who people who die still live on and continue to have an impact. People should be allowed to talk about their lost loved ones more easily. And they can use any language they like. Our loved ones have passed away but they are still here in our hearts and minds. Their influence remains.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 15/02/2016 13:50

I don't believe those close to me who died have gone to heaven or done anything else other than - passed away.

it just sounds softer and easier to say - esp to strangers - when asking after family.

I find these threads really distasteful, I wonder why in the supposed spirit of the MN site HQ allow them.

they can be deeply deeply unsettling and upsetting to those who have had close personal loss. why do we need a thread on this?