...to hate the way that people talk about "passing"

[Squeegle]

It just seems so weird and, dare I say it, fake touchy feely. People now don't seem to say died, they refer to passing. As in, "My grandmother passed last year", or they have both passed now. Why can't people just say she died. I find it very odd, and don't understand when it all started. People would occasionally use "passed away", when I was growing up as a bit of a euphemism - but now it feels as if people are scared to say the word die. AIBU?

Yeah, I think it is bullshit that society is becoming more afraid to discuss death as well.

That is certainly not my experience in working with palliative patients.

In fact, with the cancer rates as high as they are and talk about assisted suicide I have found that we are talking about death more than ever. I have had conversations with many family members where we have discussed death and I don't know anyone who is afraid to discuss the issue.

I understand that some may not like the terms, lost and passed and of course that is your right but comments like this:

simply because others have some odd objection to saying that someone died or is dead.

Aren't really needed are they? It's not an 'odd' objection and if you read people who don't like saying 'died' you would know their objections aren't actually odd. I think that remark is quite cruel in light of the people who have posted and told you why they can't bring themselves to use the word 'died'.

As I said was when you referred to 'mealy mouthed speak' and 'daft terms'.

How is that courteous? Why can you respect that someone else wants to use different words? I'm not talking about your child (if you have one) I'm talking about my child, my son, who passed away/lost to cancer/sailed away. My words, my right. You are free to use your own words. Who the fuck are you to suggest what I use are mealy mouthed or daft terms?

Ok, well that's me well and truly told, isn't, it? So much for being able to express an opinion. I hope none of you ever meets anyone else who dares to disagree with you. Good luck.

You are talking about a subject that is obviously very painful for some. I hope you never experience child bereavement and have to deal with people like you.

Compassion is a very nice word

I am not sure we are more afraid of talking about death it's that for the vast majority of us we will not have a young brother/sister or young child that dies but this is was not case until very recently. we live longer and are healthier and medical science has greatly improved we have high expectations to recover from many illnesses that not long ago would have certainly killed us

When someone is in a hospice the family are taken are off too, I do understand that it is frustrating at times for medical staff when relatives are struggling to accept death but this is not because we fear death anymore than we ever did but we do have far more hope now

Probably the best way to encourage society to talk about death or loss, is to let them get on with talking about it in whatever language they feel best able to do so.

Without telling them you hate it, loathe it, or find it weird and fake if they choose a different word from the one you prefer.

That is such bullshit.

You said that people have an 'odd objection' to using the word died, after people (some of them bereaved parents) explained why they can't use that word. They have shared their pain here and their experiences in the hopes that people will understand that it isn't just an 'odd objection' and they have valid reasons for not being able to bring themselves to use the word died.

So yeah, you are free to express your opinions but that doesn't mean that some of us won't think your opinion is pretty bloody mean. You have read people's posts about why they can't use that word and you still had enough lack of empathy to think it was appropriate to call it an 'odd objection' 'daft' and 'mealy mouthed'

How do you think people who can't use the word died and discussed their pain openly here might feel to see you put it down as an 'odd objection'? Yes this is AIBU and you have the freedom of speech, but sensitivity is a good thing. I am fine with people disagreeing with me, I don't respect people who are insensitive to other's pain though.

My mother lost her son when he was 32. She didn't say he 'died' 'passed away' etc. She couldn't talk about at all. She did scream in our wood a lot though.

This country has an unspeakably weird attitude to death - it seems to view being bereaved as an intensely private, singular experience, and also as something rather embarrassing, rather than the one thing we all face.

Do you mean England because I find that in (rural) Scotland it is not such an intensely private and singular experience. If someone dies the community rallies round. Large funerals where the bereaved are allowed to express their grief freely.

Sorry, didn't see this earlier, derxa. Yes, I meant England. I know nothing about rural Scotland, but from what you say, it is far more like my home country, where the idea of an invitation-only funeral, or crossing the road at the sight of a recently-bereaved person because you are too embarrassed and uncomfortable to know what to say to them, are not normal. It's not some kind of touchy-feely encounter group approach, but a low-key but unembarrassed thing.

you wanted me to elaborate about why I don't like passed on so you could then enumerate the many reasons I'm wrong

Well, yes, the many reasons I think you are wrong. Then you can do the same with my reasoning.
It's called having a discussion.

I don't think the attitude is like this in just this country Cotton.

I'm not English and I find grief very private.

The crying and wailing in many cultures are very often for show, there are even professional cryers you can hire for the funeral, it doesn't necessarily mean people discuss death more freely.

English culture is reserved emotionally and not so open to showing emotions as some cultures but that often has little impact on how people manage their internal feelings of grief it's very individual nothing can be assumed

In Islam there is 30 days of mourning (might be 28) which allows the space to grieve but for some they feel they have then just got to deal with it, atheists may feel it would be so much easier if they had a belief and for some it brings great comfort their religious beliefs, some find faith or find their faith again and others feel angry and loose their faith or it is questioned that brings further distress to them

It's individual and so is the language people use as they are expressing how they feel which should be respected

MrsDeVere I was responding mostly to some earlier posts which did imply that they found 'died' or 'dead' hard, disrespectful or flippant. I wanted to explain why I used them. I hesitated for quite a long time before posting and by the time I did, the thread had moved on.

Yes I realise that. It was poor timing.

I can't believe this is still here. Some people need to walk a mile in others shoes before they start throwing labels around and telling people how they should grieve and which words they should use.

I really am hiding this fucking thread now.

Do you mean England

See now it's my turn to get offended. I dislike the way these threads can turn into top trumps about who commemorates their dead the best.

I am sure that was not anyone's intention, but it is easy to cause offence.

We all do it in our own way. Isn't that enough?

Indeed, limited, and, thinking about it, I wonder if any of the people objecting to the euphemisms some others choose to use (because it's about choice) would pop onto threads about grieving in other cultures and countries and start telling them how 'fake' and 'touchy-feely' they find their methods?

I doubt very much that they would because it would be incredibly offensive. But hey, in the UK, we're only talking about bereaved people, no one that matters, right?

I'm not talking about "crying and wailing', for heaven's sake, and my culture is at least as emotionally reserved in general, just not as embarrassed by death. I don't even think it's so much a matter of 'open' funerals attended by anyone who knew the deceased or their family, it's just a culture-wide recognition that bereavement happens to everyone sooner or later, not just you alone.

I'm sorry if I caused any offence. I wouldn't want to add to anyone's pain.

I really don't get why anyone would give a flying fuck what word/phrase another person uses to describe death? I don't understand?

Highsteaks I think it's apparent that most people only care what other people say if they start telling you what's happened to the person you've lost and not listening to how you are dealing with grief.

If you take comfort in using a euphemism and your faith and belief being told to be blunt is upsetting, hurtful and reductive of your feelings.

If you cope by using plain language being told you'll upset others or being told you should believe in something after life does the same.

This discussion is very interesting but I'm at a distance from my most recent bereavement and it was a parent. It's the natural order of things. I can only imagine the difficulty and eternity of grieving for a lost child. This conversation must be difficult.