...to hate the way that people talk about "passing"

[Squeegle]

It just seems so weird and, dare I say it, fake touchy feely. People now don't seem to say died, they refer to passing. As in, "My grandmother passed last year", or they have both passed now. Why can't people just say she died. I find it very odd, and don't understand when it all started. People would occasionally use "passed away", when I was growing up as a bit of a euphemism - but now it feels as if people are scared to say the word die. AIBU?

Yes, it is being discussed, Mrs DV, but some people on here are saying it shouldn't be. It's reasonable to give a view on that, isn't it?

Interesting post, Thornrose. I know of a child with autism and learning difficulties who did not understand that their parent had died when it was first broken to them with words like "passed on" and "gone". It took someone to come out and say clearly that the parent had died before it sank in.

I respect anybody's right to use the words that feel most comfortable to them when talking about their own losses. Personally, although I am very afraid of dying, I have no problem using the word. I have sometimes thought that I would like to include in my will that I would like people to use the words "dead" and "died" to talk about me after I die. But I'll be dead so that's not really my decision. I think I will use those words about my own parents and I think they would use them too. But if I was talking to someone else whose relative had died I think I would listen to them and be guided by their own choices to know which words to use.

I honk that's an excellent distinction Gruntled.

The bereaved describing what happened to the person they lost is only one context in which death might be discussed.

Indeed different professional circumstances may warrant different terms. A doctor notifying the family I would prefer to be clear and unambiguous - "his heart stopped and he died" for example.

A priest or vicar talking in their professional capacity may be more likely to use "passed on" or other euphemism as in that context it is relevant to their beliefs and that of the bereaved.

The language of death is always going to be difficult.

I think by pp saying that the thread should be pulled or expressing outrage that people have views on words used that the subtext is indeed that they don't want it to be discussed.

The topic is hugely emotive and frightening and upsetting of course, but people should be able to discuss use of language.

No, calling for a thread to be pulled doesn't equate to objecting to be told what people should do, it is quite clearly calling for discussion to be suppressed.

I agree that it should be discussed and I disagree with the PPs who've said the thread should be pulled. There are one or two, I think, so it's easy to ignore them if you like. MNHQ seem to be ignoring them so far.

Just like it's possible to ignore people using terms to describe death with which you don't agree.

I prefer 'died' but most people understand what is meant by 'passed' or 'gone to a better place'. I understand the problems of the poster whose autistic daughter has suicidal thoughts and thinks that death means being her but in a better place, but not everyone is autistic.

It's no less sensitive to point that out than to suggest that people shouldn't use euphemisms for death.

And this: I do also feel that things like "passed on" suggest moving elsewhere or to another life, which simply does not happen.

I happen to agree with you GruntledOne but that's a bold statement. How do we know and more importantly what's wrong with allowing the people who think that, keep believing so long as they aren't doing active harm?

I've asked for this thread to be deleted, not because I want to stop discussion - how ridiculous - but because it's upsetting for grieving people to be told they're doing grief wrong. How dare anyone tell someone who's lost a child that they find their choice of words 'fake' or 'touchy feely'.

It's basically saying 'sorry about your dead child but could you moderate your language to suit me, because I think we need to use the word 'dead' some more and my feelings about language clearly trump your grief, thanks ever so'.

It's inconsiderate, crass and offensive.

Lilac I asked already, for the same reasons you gave. No such luck so far.

The OP's language from the beginning was unpleasant, as if grieving people just need to get over themselves, stop being so silly and pull themselves together.

And, has already been pointed out, they haven't been back since it's kicked off.

There are some hateful posts on this thread, mostly from people starting with those immortal words 'haven't read the full thread but'. Then the arrogant fuckers have shredded into BPS (inadvertently, probably, but could have been avoided by, y'know RTFT) and then read the posts after theirs, not giving a shit about the bereaved, only concerned with themselves and their own incredibly important opinion that everyone needs to listen and adhere to.

Those posters exemplify exactly what the issue is here. People trying to govern how the bereaved deal with their grief because it makes them uncomfortable.

i def dont want this thread deleted

but yes intersting that op didnt come back

and for her views, it seems that luckily she hasnt had to grieve for someone she loved

someone who has died/passed away/lost their life

I just think it's a hideous thread.

This is AIBU yes.

But does that mean that we can't show a degree of sensitivity? This thread is pretty mean and all it does is upset some people.

*They DIED.

YOU will DIE.

And any silly language that dances around that is just nonsense TBH.*

This is particularly insensitive. Who the fuck are you to tell people that using other language is nonsense?

People can grieve how the fuck they want, they can use whatever words they want, and if you hate it then keep your thoughts to yourself because the one thing people don't need when grieving is other's judging how they do it and the words they use.

Just because this is MN and we are on AIBU doesn't mean you should put basic decency aside.

I am not a nurse but I work a lot with patients dying from cancer and thankfully I have not worked with any nurses who give two shits if family uses the world passing/passed and I am able to face the subject matter but no one has a right to tell those who are grieving what words they should use.

I do have some understanding for posts like that though.

Anger is part of grieving, I can see the above post in the light of that.

Fake Touchy Feely and then disappear.
I reserve my right to grieve however I want. My bereavement counselor gave me a wonderful piece of advice
Feel able to talk about your daughter, feel able to remember her, feel able to cry.
So I talk I feel I cry and nobody has a right to tell me otherwise.

And what you are doing is seeking to suppress the opinions of people who don't agree with you by hinting at unreasonable, over emotional responses.

Nonsense, Mrs DV, and offensive nonsense at that. Seeking to characterise a request that discussions shouldn't be repressed as an attempt to suppress opinions, coupled with a wholly unfounded reference to "hinting", is, frankly, unworthy of you.

People trying to govern how the bereaved deal with their grief because it makes them uncomfortable. Exactly this.

Bereaved parents are often shut down on MN. As they are IRL.

I didn't think this thread could get much worse, but it's gone from horrible to just disgusting.