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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to hate the way that people talk about "passing"

324 replies

Squeegle · 13/02/2016 18:09

It just seems so weird and, dare I say it, fake touchy feely. People now don't seem to say died, they refer to passing. As in, "My grandmother passed last year", or they have both passed now. Why can't people just say she died. I find it very odd, and don't understand when it all started. People would occasionally use "passed away", when I was growing up as a bit of a euphemism - but now it feels as if people are scared to say the word die. AIBU?

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 16/02/2016 09:41

You didn't for me derxa though I don't want to speak for anyone else. I find that: 'in my country, we do this not like the English who are (insert stereotypes here)...' more annoying than hurtful. It's not true and it's not necessary.

I know that wasn't your intention but on some threads some people take the theme and really run with it.

Anyway, slightly OT, but you said you listened to a programme on Linda Smith yesterday. I loved her. What was it on? Maybe I can get it on catch up. Smile

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 16/02/2016 09:54

I just don't like the 'You lost your Dad' like I was in some way negligent or careless. I was anything but caring for him to the bitter end, and for someone to say I lost him hurts.

MrsDeVere · 16/02/2016 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

limitedperiodonly · 16/02/2016 10:25

Just say: 'I didn't lose him, he died. I'd prefer you to say that.' They should then use the term that you prefer. Anything else, like persisting in using 'dead' with someone who wants to use 'passed' in connection with their loved one, would be insensitive.

derxa · 16/02/2016 10:44

The radio programme about LS was on R4 and narrated ? by Andy Hamilton.
I think it had been aired before. A lot of reminiscences about her.
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b070vbzw

limitedperiodonly · 16/02/2016 10:51

It's been debunked now but I have to say that as a journalist I've not noticed the creeping use of euphemism in reports about death.

What I would say is that when I am interviewing someone whose loved one has died, and I've done that a lot, I use the terms they want me to use. I don't need to be told, I listen to what they say and take it from there.

The point of the meeting is that they talk to me. Not for me to give them a lesson in the correct use of language.

When writing it up, I use 'dead', 'died', 'killed', 'murdered' in narrative. I use 'took his own life' or 'killed himself' rather than 'committed suicide' because some people think that term implies that the person has committed a crime. I can see their point

But when quoting them I use the terms they use. Not to do so would be making it up, which is a crime in my book.

I've never been confused during an interview and thought the person we were discussing was down the shops if someone told me they'd 'gone away'. So I don't understand the people on this thread who claim that euphemisms could lead to misunderstanding. You'd have to have a very literal mind, English as a second language or mulish to make that mistake.

When someone has been murdered or has died because of someone else's negligence, their family usually doesn't use the term 'passed away'. If they want to use a euphemism they say: 'taken from us', which is true, isn't it?

limitedperiodonly · 16/02/2016 10:54

Thanks derxa. I love Andy Hamilton too. And Jeremy Hardy. Jeremy Hardy makes me cry with laughter like Linda Smith did but in different ways. I've saved The News Quiz from last Friday because he was going off on one of his inspired rants, this time about Jeremy Hunt, and I want to pinch some of his lines Smile.

wasonthelist · 17/02/2016 14:36

Yesterday on Radio 5, the (UK) reporter covering the Grammy awards refered to both David Bowie and Lemmy having "passed away". This is far from isolated on R5 which I listen to a lot.

I don't like these euphemisms - that's it.

I apologise to anyone who is upset by my views, but I don't like hearing them on the radio.

The OP expressed an opinion, a few agreed.

I realise that the majority view is that I have no right not to like hearing "passed away" and I am a despicable swine - but I'm not beinb bullied into something different - you're welcome to carry on pillorying me for daring to have an opinion and for being offensive, but such behaviour is hardly conducive to persuading me of the error of my ways.

liz70 · 17/02/2016 14:51

"I am a despicable swine"

Nobody is calling you that. Hmm

I have already said that I use the term "passed away/over/on, not because of belief, but because of a near decade of personal experience that has convinced me that we do indeed cross over to an after life. That is why I find the term apt. I don't care if people use the words " died", "dead" etc. either. I can't dictate that people use certain words in order not to offend me, and nor can anybody else IMO.

MrsDeVere · 17/02/2016 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 17/02/2016 15:21

I realise that the majority view is that I have no right not to like hearing "passed away" and I am a despicable swine - but I'm not beinb bullied into something different - you're welcome to carry on pillorying me for daring to have an opinion and for being offensive, but such behaviour is hardly conducive to persuading me of the error of my ways.

So many things wrong here. No one has said you don't have the right to not like it. No one has called you a despicable swine. No one has even attempted to bully you into anything.

People have pointed out that people are allowed (key word) to choose (another key word) the language they feel comfortable using when talking about the deaths of their own loved ones and ask others to respect that choice when being spoken to about their personal loss.

I'm actually disgusted at your statement there. If you feel you have been bullied on this thread then report it. Please.

minmooch · 17/02/2016 15:53

Have you actually read the posts in reply to yours was? Nobody called you a despicable swine. No one pilloried you. In fact you referred to others as mealy mouthed and other such dismissive terms for their choice of language. We have repeatedly said you have the choice to use what words you use, as do those who use euphemisms.

You have not upset my views. I am entitled to my views as you are yours. You have upset me personally, and no doubt others, with the way in which you have shown no compassion or respect to people who have been in horrendously sad situations.

sugar21 · 17/02/2016 16:03

Compassion is a wonderful quality to have. When my dd went " somewhere nicer " people respected my choice of words.
If a friends 17 month old died I would respect whatever they chose to call the toddlers death.
I chat to my dd everyday, yes I know it's pointless but it helps me get through the day.
We all have a right to grieve how we want and perhaps when people are faced with the death of a child, they would stop talking bullshit

wasonthelist · 17/02/2016 16:19

Min - I am straightforward sorry I upset you with what I posted - I really didn't mean to do that.

expatinscotland · 17/02/2016 16:52

It's not pointless at all, sugar.

minmooch · 17/02/2016 18:20

I too talk to my son every day Sugar. I look at red kites in the sky and hope that he has been reincarnated and has a chance to soar above me. I look for him in the stars. I look for messages from him. Not because I necessarily believe (any faith I had was shattered through 27 months of torturous treatment) but because I sooooo wish he had not left me. I wanted him to live a long and happy life.

I talk to him because my love for him is ever present and will always be present for me until I shuffle off my mortal coil.

sugar21 · 17/02/2016 18:29

I understand the kite and so sorry and thank you expat

AcrossthePond55 · 17/02/2016 19:17

I've been flitting in and out of this thread (lurking) and first my sympathies to all who have lost a loved one, especially those who have lost children. I cannot even get close to imagining your pain.

What I just don't understand is why anyone would object to the way another person deals with death, unless it affects you personally. And we have had that happen. When my cousin died, my family had someone tell us she was not going to Heaven because she hadn't been 'saved' (in that person's opinion). And it would have been equally rude for someone, upon hearing her widower say 'I lost her' to say 'You mean she died'. Just shut up and keep your opinions to yourself.

Whether I want to say my LO died, passed, went home to Jesus, or tap-danced in a pink tutu to Nirvana, what's it to you? How on earth does that affect you? If you don't 'like' the way a person refers to death and you just can't bring yourself to respect their 'wording', just walk away.

Rant over. I'm going to get my hair done now.

sugar21 · 17/02/2016 19:39

AcrossthePond Great post

Highsteaks · 17/02/2016 20:54

I really don't get why anyone would give a flying fuck what word/phrase another person uses to describe death? I don't understand?

Sorry, I posted this yesterday and it seems I have been misunderstood. What I meant was why would people like the OP actively dislike others using a phrase like 'passed away' if that's what gives them comfort. Surely it doesn't matter if it's 'twee' or not correctly descriptive or whatever, people should just use what they are comfortable with to describe the death of someone close to them. How dare someone else say 'that's not right'.

Huge hugs to those on this thread who have lost loved ones.

Highsteaks · 17/02/2016 20:57

I apologise to anyone who is upset by my views, but I don't like hearing them on the radio.

Why? Why does it matter what term they use for death on the radio?

hefzi · 17/02/2016 21:40

AcrossthePond I had hidden this thread, because a PP was determined to misunderstand what I was saying, but it popped up in Trending and I took a look to see if it had moved on to a discussion about euphemisms in language, rather than personal choices around terms to use: I am totally going to steal your phrase (will always attribute it to you, though - of course!) - I love the idea of "tap-danc(ing) in a pink tutu to Nirvana"!

I only mentioned my dead children on here because of the implication that my opinion wasn't valid without them - something I now deeply regret, actually, and I have asked MN to pull that post - but forever after, I shall think of them tap dancing in their tutus Grin - huge Flowers to you for an excellent post!

AcrossthePond55 · 17/02/2016 22:52

Bless you hefzi feel free to use it any way you wish.

It hit a nerve with me, I guess, because my lovely mum is reaching her last days. I can think with peace of her passing, I can think with calm of her going home to Jesus, and I can think with joy of her joining your little ones in that eternal tap dance, tutu and all. But what I cannot think of her doing is 'dying'. Just typing it makes me tear up.

We deserve to have our feelings and words respected, regardless of the way we choose to phrase them.

Jennimm23 · 29/04/2016 10:29

My son died aged 23 last year. I used to feel the same way but now I understand saying died or dead hurts sometimes. Cuts you like a knife. I have friends in NYC who now say transitioned. To mean to another life. I quite like that. Death of a child is very hard to live with. The pain is unbearable and never goes away.

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