...to hate the way that people talk about "passing"

[Squeegle]

It just seems so weird and, dare I say it, fake touchy feely. People now don't seem to say died, they refer to passing. As in, "My grandmother passed last year", or they have both passed now. Why can't people just say she died. I find it very odd, and don't understand when it all started. People would occasionally use "passed away", when I was growing up as a bit of a euphemism - but now it feels as if people are scared to say the word die. AIBU?

I think a lot of people's difficulties and depression around the death of a loved one comes from such euphemisms as "passing" or "passing away".
We are all born (what "IS" the euphemism for that?), we live and we die. Some die young, some die at a great old age, some die as the results of tragic accidents or by their own hand, but the fact is, we all DIE. We do not pass!
What we might "pass" is water or wind or an exam or our driving test, or similar.

Sorry, grammar failure, should be come and not comes.

People use the terms they want to use. I'm not going to force anyone to said died and they aren't going to force me to say passed.

That doesn't figure, Pedant. Individuals may use one or the other according to what their preference is. One may feel appropriate than the other, but there's no inherent wrongness or likelihood of depression associated with either.

As many PPs have already brought up on this thread, the reasons behind using such phrases are complex and personal. Life experiences shape your opinions and beliefs so there cannot and shouldn't be a blanket term for all.

How insensitive when some readers are grieving to write 'we all DIE'
Any other term used to describe death means the same thing so it should not be deemed incorrect by you or anyone else.

I think people are quite entitled to use whichever words they feel are most suitable and that they are most comfortable with to refer to the death of loved ones.

YABU.

I agree that people can describe death in any way they want. My comment early on in the thread reflects my own, possibly old fashioned response to the word 'passed'. But I also use the word died as well. My brother died unexpectedly a few years ago, but I also say passed away, or Late, depending on context or how I feel.

It has been heartening, as well as sad, to read about the various experiences on this thread, and the way in which posters try to manage their language and feelings at different times.

I don't use passed in any sense. My beloved mum died last week, and that's exactly what has happened. She hasn't passed onto anywhere and I don't believe she is anything but a lovely memory any more.

The funeral director used it - he says that at the moment 'people are passing all the time', his polite way of saying dropping like flies. I don't mind but I have to be honest with myself.

That said, she did fight and she was brave. I disapproved of that metaphor before, believing that it implied failure to win. That's nonsense. The notion of a fight is a cliche but that's exactly what the end of life is for many.

I object to the phrase "and what was their name". Its still their name, its not like once someone dies, they gain a new one.

A couple of years ago I was in the US for work and last minute my colleague couldn't come as a relative had died and she stayed with her family. I was so aware in conversations about why she was not there that me saying "her xxx died and..." Was sounding weird. They repeated it as "her xxx passed" ... I started to feel very blunt saying "died" but "passed" wasn't natural for me either. I think it's a cultural difference but we are quickly becoming familiar with passed.

Kpo58
I always find that a weird one too. What tense to use.

This thread has left a bad taste in my mouth.

Grief is one of the most personal, private things we all experience. I am of the belief we are able to deal with it however we choose.

And if when someone is telling you of their grief, I don't fully understand why you would want to pick apart their choice of language and 'cringe'. Not nice imo.

HenniferYellowHat**
**
I am sorry to hear about your beloved mum

X

I second what others have already said about being more concerned for the people who are grieving than their choice of word to describe it.

I am terrified of dying. It's become something of an anxiety thing since I had my first child and developed PND. I have panic attacks if I dwell on it too much. I can distinctly remember crying and not being able to breathe when my brain got stuck on how I'd feel if my Mum died. That happened several times when my daughter was a baby.

In my opinion people can use whatever damped phrase they want to if it brings them some small measure of comfort in a time of immense grief.

Anyone who thinks they should have any kind of say in anyone else's grieving can fuck right off.

This thread is incredibly insensitive to say the least.

'Deathophobia' ffs.

I'm sorry for your loss, Jennifer.

FIL died, last week. The words we've used in conversation about it have very much depended on context. If any descriptive words were to be used, I'd say slipped away, as that's what he did. When DH came home from the hospital where he'd been with his mum and sister, that evening, his words to me were "well, he's gone." He found it very hard to identify his father's dead and very much diminished body with the dad he'd grown up with, so those words were very apt, in his case.

Pedant what a fucking stupid thing to write. If only I had used the word died more often about my 18 year old son. I wouldn't be depressed. Nothing to do with his illness, his short life, everything he suffered, everything he lost when he passed away. Everything we lost when we lost him. I should have just used the word died more often - fuck off. And fuck off some more.

I think that people who are bereaved get to decide exactly which words they like, I'm guided by them.
Surely it's offensive to do any different.

I didn't know my daughter was going to die. She was alive one day and died the next.
I will never forget that day. She went so quickly and I didn't realise how ill she was. When she left me I screamed I cried even the drs cried because they had compassion. I got her to hospital at 5.30pm she died at 3.42 am
I will grieve how I want to and if this post is fucked up its because I am too.

This thread had gone from bad to worse. I had to come off a bereavement board on FB due to twats and their competitive grief. Now I need to apparently stay off this site due to twats telling me how to grieve and which words I need to say in order to do so "properly"

What the actual fuck. Damn you dad for slipping away/passing/going/whatever the fuck your did. And fuck me for not being able to do the D word yet. I have...what is it? Deathophobia. Yeah, that's me, all those hospital visits, being with him to the end and beyond, seeing him in the funeral home. How fucking dare you - you have no idea.

This is actually sick the more I think about it. A thread that questions how people word their grief and whether it's unreasonable. Who the fuck is anyone here to say that someone's way of grieving is unreasonable?!

Fucking disgusting.

Dead, gone, passed, not with us any more, lost.....what does it matter? All it tells you is that the person referred to its no longer alive and that the people who loved them have been plunged into immeasurable grief.

Some people do find it hard to comprehend the inevitability of a loved one's death. Can we blame them? They live in an age of science. We have machines that can breathe for you, machines that can filter your blood, machines that can diagnose conditions that would never have been found before they resulted in death. Artificial feeding, nutrients directly into veins....the list goes on.

We live in the age of Casualty and Holby City, where every patient is seen, scanned, diagnosed, and treated successfully within hours. It makes the reality seem painfully slow and inefficient.

Sometimes, it isn't right to continue active treatment. That doesn't mean we don't treat. Of course not. It means that aggressive treatments to try and overcome a disease process will only cause suffering and won't have any benefit.

I don't know what view 'nurses' are supposed to have, but I think a nurse's job is both to give utmost care to the dying patient, and also to care for visiting family by gently and carefully drawing them towards an understanding of the process of dying and where their loved one is in that process.

Anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one can call it anything they like - there is no rule book.

It's interesting to hear MrsDeVere say that older people are more likely to say 'passed on' than 'died'. My grandma died recently and she HATED euphemisms. That's partly why I refer to her as having died, although I dislike euphemisms too. Having said that, it is so important to respect others' feelings. I would hate for someone to be hurt further by my using the word 'died' so if I'm at all in doubt as to how that person might react, I use a euphemism (usually 'passed away' at it seems to be the most commonly used one).