...to hate the way that people talk about "passing"

[Squeegle]

It just seems so weird and, dare I say it, fake touchy feely. People now don't seem to say died, they refer to passing. As in, "My grandmother passed last year", or they have both passed now. Why can't people just say she died. I find it very odd, and don't understand when it all started. People would occasionally use "passed away", when I was growing up as a bit of a euphemism - but now it feels as if people are scared to say the word die. AIBU?

That's interesting, MrsDV - my grandparents on both sides were really sniffy about euphemisms: I wonder whether, to an extent, it was also regional? Both sides were from very rural backgrounds, albeit hundreds of miles apart: I wonder whether that makes a difference too?

When my sons died, I was absolutely fine with "died" (and actually used to get upset about people saying "lost", though I tried to rein it in in public, so as not to embarrass anyone trying to be kind) but you and PP are totally correct, in that people ought to use whatever they feel comfortable with. I seem to think, though, that there's something in the Cruse literature that links explicit language surrounding death with an unstunted grieving process, but I may have that wrong -it's been a long time since I looked at it.

That's not an extreme fear of death, that is a misplaced faith in the limits of medicine, hiddenhome.

hefzi when I attend my palliative care update course, we are advised to use plain language - delivered in a caring manner of course.

Twat there are brilliant road signs in Kenya that say: "Slow Down: be late unless you want to be late!" I agree- it's a very gentle approach.

A pretty callous thread tbh.

hidden that is a very interesting post.

I personally always say dead. I think it is very confusing for young children when people beat about the bush and say 'sleeping' or 'passed' 'gone away' etc.

I can see that people's attitudes to death could indeed cause suffering in those who are dying.

There is an extreme fear of death out there though Ark. I agree that people expect too much from medicine, but people often become hostile if you so much as gently approach the subject of dying. I have only encountered this is the last few years. Attitudes are definitely changing.

And there is a perfect example from PaulAnka

This thread is not callous. To say so, is to be unable to face the subject matter. My point exactly. Hyperbole abounds.

hidden that's interesting to hear - I can see why there would be something in it, in all honesty. I know I would prefer that for myself and when dealing with HCP.

One of my grandmothers kept upsetting the nurses by talking about when she was "pushing up daisies" - but they ended up making a collection of her sayings about death: including "falling of the perch" and "popping her clogs" - but it's different when it's the person who's actually doing the dying, of course!

I disagree, hiddenhome. Death is the ultimate abhorrence. It's monstrous and intrusive and changes everything. Reactions to that from loved ones is not anything new, however disconnected we may have become to the realities of it in the last 50 years or so.

But Ark, death isn't always the "ultimate abhorrence": sometimes, it's welcomed by the person dying, and though, in those cases, it's still desperately sad for the family, it's not abhorrent.

I'm afraid that the process of dying can be the ultimate abhorrence for the dying person though.

I'm a pragmatic person and my job is to receive suffering.

Nurses see things differently.

There seem to be two fears of death - the social one of tip-toeing round the subject, and thanatophobia, a personal intense anxiety.

Anyway, I agree that the bereaved get to use any words they like. It's the media who I feel are mawkish in this respect and really should use "died".

I prefer die, myself.

My mum died. That's what I say (and it breaks my heart every time). A lot of it can be depending on peoples ages, religions etc. If someone said my mum had passed away, I wouldn't "be upset", we all have different expressions for stuff.

hidden people can describe death how they want. If they find it too difficult to be blunt about it then who are we to comment? Threads like this are the pits; passing comment on how people want to describe the death of a lived one is low. Very low. I was a teenager when my partner died. As well as being a teenage mother, I was dealing with the suicide of my son's father. I'll be damned if anyone found it appropriate to question how I described his death.

I don't care what word people use, what matters is that they talk about it, because not talking makes grief worse. Nothing is more personal than grief, ever.

I have used all of these when I've spoken about it, died, passed away and gone.

If anyone ever tells me what to use they might get some other carefully chosen expressions coming their way.

But Ark, death isn't always the "ultimate abhorrence"

Oh, this is so true. In my father's case (from a horrible degenerative neuro condition) we thought of his death as another term we use, 'a blessed release'. It will be the same for my mother who is slowly losing her faculties from dementia and is beginning to enter the 'phase' of being so terribly unhappy. She talks of wanting to 'go home and see Mother' and cries. It's heartbreaking to see.

The death of a child, of a healthy person, of anyone who isn't 'ready' IS an abhorrence. But for many it's a release. We grieved when Dad passed, and will grieve for Mum when her time comes. But the grief is not for them. It's for us.

I agree with you OP, I think it's horrible. Very American. I think it's because they're on the whole much more blindly religious than the British, and it's a reference to passing on to a "better" place.

Died is perfectly fine.