...to hate the way that people talk about "passing"

[Squeegle]

It just seems so weird and, dare I say it, fake touchy feely. People now don't seem to say died, they refer to passing. As in, "My grandmother passed last year", or they have both passed now. Why can't people just say she died. I find it very odd, and don't understand when it all started. People would occasionally use "passed away", when I was growing up as a bit of a euphemism - but now it feels as if people are scared to say the word die. AIBU?

Why should it grate on me, or annoy me, or make me think something is twee/touchy feely if a person is telling me about the death of someone close to them? What sort of self absorbed knobhead focuses on the word rather than the information being given

That's how I feel too. Well put.

I was told someone had lost their brother. I thought they meant he was missing. There was a terrorist attack so things were extremely tough. He had turned out to have died but I don't know which meaning of lost they meant.

I don't like passed. It felt like dumbing down to me.

I'm sorry for all who have had a friend or relative die.

I use "died" when discussing my personal bereavements. When others are discussing their bereavements I am empathetic and compassionate. I don't feel the need to be pedantic over what words they use.

I have friends who are Christian who use the term as short for passing on to the other side.
I'm not sure why a none religious person would use it with the same meaning.
I usually say he/she died.

Sometimes the newscasters say X X is dead. DH always comments on how disrespectful and hard it sounds.

ArkATerre, fantastic post!

I write poems to my daughter, in the blind hope that she can now read. I sit and watch the sea and read my poems out loud.
When Daisy went away my dh could not face life so he started drinking, so we split up.
I take comfort in talking to Daisy, asking her how she is, is she being a good girl, does she still have the same little giggle, does she still drag her teddy around.
Yes she is somewhere better and I really believe that.

It sounds more gentler than died.

I told my children their dad had died, because I was told by professionals not to use words like 'sleeping' and 'passing' because it could be confusing to them.

I use both but I agree that died sounds very blunt so I can totally understand why some people can't use the word ever.

It doesn't really matter does it?

When I moved here from the US in 1981, "passed away" was the standard American expression. I had never heard anyone say "passed". When I first began to notice it appearing in American novels, I was completely bemused. I simply can't divest myself of my automatic connection of the phrase to football commentaries heard in my youth, with the announcer shouting "and he's passed!" (meaning he's passed the ball!) So it still sounds wrong and bizarre to me. But it definitely is an American thing to shorten phrases wherever possible (e.g. sitter instead of babysitter), so maybe that's where it's come from.

I suppose some people feel more comfortable with gentler words, and it's generally well understood what they mean.

I can say that my children died and generally cope quite well with saying it that way, but I find it very difficult to say my children are dead without getting upset.

I don't know why one feels easier to me than the other, but it is.

I don't mind people saying someone has passed, or passed on, or passed away. I find talk of growing angels wings and crossing rainbow bridges quite difficult, stressful and upsetting though.

Agree with deathophobia

I am 33 and looking at what u want upon death, and how I wish to be treated.

Especially if I am unable to make decisions

Like I like to sleep in the dark and no ticking clock. I am making notes on these things in case I can't talk when I need to (ie I'm without voice due to accident)

And back to OP any word will do as long as I know what it means

I don't see all the different terms as coy euphemisms. They are all ways of trying to explain an awful thing in someone's life. And if it helps to use them, for whatever reason, then the listener should have the emotional intelligence to see what the speaker is trying to communicate.

I have to say I've noticed a recent 'trend' to say passed and have queried it. I actually think its easier to say passed than died - which is so final. I don't really care though what people say its up to them, anything to make the whole damned thing easier. Lets face it when you've lost your nearest and dearest nothing is worse.

I saw a post on FB about a person having 'transitioned' the other day, it took me a moment to work out what they were on about.

I remember my Grandma using Passed 40 odd years ago, so I don't think it is anything new. She used to do the laying out on her estate so it certainly wasn't an avoidance of death or 'deathophobia'. It was more like a mark of respect. A nod to the Church, yes, but also an acknowledgment that the person had passed out of the sight of the living, wherever they had gone.

sugar21 my heart goes out to you. That was a very touching and honest post.

the societal inability to accept death as a normal part of life can actually undermine care of the dying.

yy to hidden ^

I always use "die" - but death is so removed from our daily life in the 21st century, that people struggle with the finality of it, I think. Formerly, people tended to die at home - now it has become very medicalised, and most people tend to die in hospital. A lot of people have never seen a dead body until one of their family dies, whereas in the past (and I know in some areas, and with RCs, this still tends to the more the norm) a dead person would have been laid out at home, and at home until the funeral - so friends and neighbours, and their children, would have been round to pay respects etc, and death was a part of regular, daily life.

I wonder to what extent it's connected also with the decline in religious beliefs in this country? Death is terribly final for those who don't believe in an afterlife in any way, which is an integral part of many religions, and perhaps that makes it harder for people to come to terms with? I don't know.

I think if we're going to use any euphemisms, it should be "gone on to glory"

LuckyDuck - I would have thought they had changed gender if I read someone had transitioned.

I prefer the words die and died so that's what I use. My brother prefers to use the words pass and passed about the same people. We don't argue about it.

I love the African way of saying it - 'He has become late' - as observed in the wonderful Alexander McCall Smith books. I also heard this a lot growing up in Southern Africa - to me it seems a nice way of saying it. I'm ok with 'dead' 'died' etc - to me 'passing' has shades of Colin Fry and his afterworld about it!

There are some heartbreaking posts on here.

If I'm talking with someone who has been bereaved, I take their lead on what words to use.

If I'm talking about my own bereavements, I use 'died', 'death' and 'dead'.

'Deathophobia' isn't a ridiculous notion when you see the consequences MrsDeVere

I have managed increasing numbers of palliative care clients whos relatives cannot accept that their relative is going to die and whom insist upon active treatment - which prolongs the suffering - or denial of narcotic analgesia - so the person remains in pain.

I am not making these things up. They happen and they're happening more due to people's changing attitudes towards death. Death was more common 50-100 + years ago. Now, I commonly encounter middle aged people who have never experienced a death within the family and who have never imagined that their extremely elderly parent is going to die.

I could write a book on the problems it creates for the dying person. Whilst I have every sympathy for the bereaved people, surely the dying person's needs come first and foremost.