...to hate the way that people talk about "passing"

[Squeegle]

It just seems so weird and, dare I say it, fake touchy feely. People now don't seem to say died, they refer to passing. As in, "My grandmother passed last year", or they have both passed now. Why can't people just say she died. I find it very odd, and don't understand when it all started. People would occasionally use "passed away", when I was growing up as a bit of a euphemism - but now it feels as if people are scared to say the word die. AIBU?

I had to tell my 14 year old daughter that she was going to die.

I can only imagine having to do that MrsDV. I only know one couple in a similar position to you. They made the decision not to tell their daughter.

She was a little older than your Billie and they wanted her to have an exciting time at the university that she'd worked so hard for in spite of being ill with a muscle cancer. Different people, different circumstance.

The doctors agreed, even though at 18 she was obviously entitled to have an open consultation with them and without her parents being involved. I don't know how that was arranged, but I'm sure it was without lying of breaking of ethics.

Her parents hoped she would live a little longer (forever) but as it happened she didn't quite make one term before having to come home. But she wanted to go and they wanted to give her hope and let her cling to that hope.

I can't imagine how hard that must have been for them - her mum in particular - who wanted her with them for every precious last moment but also wanted her to live her life, no matter how short.

I'm not quite sure what my point is. I suppose it's that you let people sort things out as best they can and butt out. I hope you don't mind my post.

I think the OP was just meaning the language rather than the reason people might not use that word in such a sensitive topic.

Like objecting to people saying "my monthlies" or "a visit from Aunty Flo" or "little red mouse week" or something. I don't think her intention was to upset and offend people.

or breaking of ethics.

I prefer to "passed" or "passed on" or "passed away" because it sounds more respectful and less flippant than "died".

Usually when talking about someone else's situation I'll say a variation on passed, but when talking about my dad I've been known to say "died" but in the middle of a sentence "My dad died 3 years ago" as opposed to the blunt ending of a sentence.

I wouldn't stop someone from saying either if it makes them feel better... on the same topic though, I will correct someone if they tell me my dad "lived a good life" when I reveal his age at his passing. I don't care how old he was, it is awfully dismissive of how much I miss him (whether intended or not, it's a shitty thing to say to someone if they haven't said it to you first).

YABU when you've lost someone in your family (my mum in my case) it is often far too painful to say they have "died". It is absolutely the finality of it, the realness and the bluntness of the word. Why does it matter as long as the message gets away and it has been communicated that the person in question is no longer here then why the fuck does it matter what word is used?! whichever word causes the least pain is the most appropriate at the time.

Is it her place to question the language on such a sensitive subject? No.

usual exactly. You can't pass judgement on how people word the death of people they love. Unless you are a dick.

And on the topic of which word to use, i actually wish my DF at the time of telling me and my brother what had happened, HAD worded it in a more sensitive way than practically shouting that our mum had died. to phrase that in a sentence now brings me back to that room and that moment.

I've been disagreed with on here before because I prefer formal graves for my loved ones rather than gravesides that are more expressive.

To have my father and now my mother, who are buried in an austere grave, alongside graves that have balloons or candlelights or whatever, would cause me upset.

That doesn't make me wrong and it doesn't make the other people wrong either. It just makes us different. We should respect our differences.

Before my mum died she felt exactly the same. That's why she chose to plant my dad in a part of the cemetery where those forms of expression are not allowed. That's where she is buried now too.

If people break the rules, as they sometimes do, they are gently reminded of them. The rules are clear from the outset. There is no need for a mistake. That way they don't offend me and my remembrance and likewise I have no right to disapprove over the way they choose to remember their dead in their part of the cemetery.

Same as using dead and passed.

People close to me have died. They have died outside of the natural order of things. I have lost babies, parents, grandparents, in that order, so it is all the wrong way round.

I don't care what people want to say. If they feel better with one term or the other, if they want to say their children or parents have been accepted into Jesus' loving arms through the pearly gates and judged as righteous, I will gently say that I am sorry for their loss. If they say their children or parents have died horribly and violently and are no more, I will gently say that I am sorry for their loss. That is up to them.

Personally for my own bereavements and no more, died/dead/death is perfectly correct. I use it without issue. And part of that is my acceptance of it as a harsher term. What happened to all those close to me who have died was not peaceful, in every case it was either a terrifying and painful process or a horrible shock. I like the harshness of the word. My experiences with death are harsh.

I am sorry to anyone who feels the need to defend semantics at a difficult time for them, and for all those who have died.

Interesting. I prefer died but when I talk about my dad's death I protect the listener and say we lost my dad to cancer rather than he died because from experience when I do say died, people seem to recoil and look a bit startled. It feels a bit startling or blunt so I soften it for the listener.

Purple we crossed posts I think. Yes death and bereavement is hard and harsh. I don' t why I try to blunt it.

I was led by my son. Intellectually he knew what was happening. But he chose to speak as if he would beat it. Two days before he died (and we were in a hospice so he 'knew') he told me he was going to university. I agreed with him. We both knew he wasn't but that's how he wanted to talk about it. That was his way. He argued long and hard with his consultants about how to work out body mass index to give appropriate chemo.

Relatives who refuse to accept that their loved one is nearing end of life can mean that inappropriate care is given. Doctors and other staff often find it hard to be assertive in these cases.

TBF to hiddenhome2 from her post on the first page I have experienced this but not as a health care professional. It is very distressing. I can't really see a way around it that isn't also very distressing and which doesn't cause lasting damage.

Grief does terrible things.

There will be people on and reading this thread who have had to do similar. I doubt they are the ones who are prescriptive about how others should 'do' bereavement and death.

I nursed my husband through his terminal illness. I was 26 with no family and his family all buggered off when they realised the amount of work involved. I was there every step of the way with very little in the way of help or support, so I hope you're not referring to me in the above paragraph MrsDeVere

I will keep saying this: this thread is sick. No one has any right to pass judgement on how others word their loved ones passing.

I genuinely hope this thread is gone by morning.

I honestly that MNHQ should just shut this thread. In what way is this in the spirit of the site? I find it quite upsetting, as do a number of other members.

This has no place on AIBU.

OP

I want you to think on this, and think on it well.

When I was in labour, and having to have an ultrasound (breech baby), which term do you (and be honest now) think I, or any labouring mother would prefer to hear?

"There's no heartbeat, your baby is dead" or "There's no heartbeat, your baby has gone"?

One is harsh, one is gentler, but both still mean the same thing.

Which do you think still gives me nightmares, many years later?

FTFO.

HTH