Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let my grandmother hold my son

292 replies

gunting · 12/02/2016 19:06

My grandmother is a heavy smoker. My son is 3 months old and i refuse to take him to her house as she smokes in there.

She comes over to my house to visit him but won't brush her teeth/change clothes and it makes me anxious allowing her to hold him.

AIBU to not allow her? I feel cruel.

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 12/02/2016 23:13

How is it a patronising post Found.You asked i answered.Whether you have a Phd is here nor there.

FoundNeverland · 12/02/2016 23:15

Dusstar - because you implied that I didn't know the risks of herpes. I'd say that the majority of the population, especially on a parenting website, know the dangers of herpes. Your suggestion that babies shouldn't be kissed on the lips was ludicrous and not clearly explained.

upthegardenpath · 12/02/2016 23:16

FirstwetakeManhatten agreed 100%

Her baby. Her rules.
YANBU OP - and above all, tell the judgypants on here to go shove it Grin

FoundNeverland · 12/02/2016 23:17

In addition, as far as I'm aware there is no advice to suggest that babies shouldn't be kissed on the lips by individuals who don't have herpes. Yours was a blanket statement.

dustarr73 · 12/02/2016 23:21

What?! You can't kiss babies on the lips?! When did that rule come in?

Thats what you said Found even before i said anything.

And really im very lax when it comes to my kids.They play out,went to school on their own.Im really not ott at all.Except when it comes to smoking around my kids.My choice not to smoke,or kiss my kids on the lips were really my big no no.

FelicityFunknickle · 12/02/2016 23:21

Smokers are often utterly oblivious to their stench.
I get that you feel mean, bit you also feel anxious about your baby.
Nobody else can make this choice.

Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 23:25

Stench as opposed to danger of course in this instance.

sleeponeday · 12/02/2016 23:25

Beezerbubble - you are seriously using a Blogspot entry that is six years old written by an ardent pro-smoking lobbyist and claiming it "comprehensively debunks" peer-reviewed scientific research published in the years since it was posted?

That's... novel.

Costacoffeeplease · 12/02/2016 23:28

Another one wondering how any child of the 60s and 70s ever survived to adulthood and how so many current parents will survive until their child's adulthood - I'm sure lots will self combust of nervous exhaustion

FoundNeverland · 12/02/2016 23:28

Dusstar - please refer to your post at 22.49 where you said that kissing babies on the lips is a big no no.

No it isn't! It is if you have herpes or any orally communicable disease it is but not in general.

Fine, don't kiss your children on the lips, I don't care and I'm sure that no-one does else either, but don't tell those of us who do that it is a 'big no no' because it isn't.

You will find very few people who think smoking around children is right, I certainly don't, but that isn't what this thread is about. It is about the perceived risks of third hand smoke which aren't proven.

sleeponeday · 12/02/2016 23:33

But there is clear indicative evidence of harm, and more research is being undertaken as a result - saying "unproven" is a little bit disingenuous, especially when people are attacking the OP so harshly over it.

Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 23:35

There isn't and its totally negligible in the whole scheme of things.

PurpleDaisies · 12/02/2016 23:35

But there is clear indicative evidence of harm, and more research is being undertaken as a result - saying "unproven" is a little bit disingenuous, especially when people are attacking the OP so harshly over it.

Link please?

FoundNeverland · 12/02/2016 23:38

Sleep - show me peer reviewed scientific evidence that it causes harm and I will concede happily and will agree that smokers should never hold babies unless they have showered, changed their clothes and performed extensive oral hygiene. Everything posted so far in support of this theory is supposition and conjecture.

dustarr73 · 12/02/2016 23:38

I kissed my kids,i just didnt let anyone else.Nobody knows the risks thats the point.The GM in this point would have been brought up to not know any different.But the mother and father have decided this is the way they are doing things and it should be respected even if they think its utter shite.It doesnt matter because its not up to them.

FoundNeverland · 12/02/2016 23:38

Or as Purple said - link please?

BeezerBubble · 12/02/2016 23:39

sleeponeday The post by Snowden was made in the days after the junk science was published. You won't get public health wonks criticising anti smoking propaganda, irrelevant to them if it's true or not. Same scientists who wrote that travesty were responsible for last years formaldehyde in ecigs shite, in the process of being retracted by decent scientists, however that scored them $1000000 in grant cash so won't be easy.

FoundNeverland · 12/02/2016 23:42

Dusstar - where have I disputed that it isn't up to the parents?

And fine, you didn't let your children kiss anyone but but don't tell me that it is a generally accepted 'big no no'. It is purely your personal choice, as is not letting smokers near them. There is no evidence, scientific or otherwise, which says that kissing babies is harmful.

mummytippy · 12/02/2016 23:49

Precisely Costa! I think there's a generational difference here...
The gran smokes (generational) and the OP is of an age where smoking has been taught to be highly dangerous as she says (again generational).
The difference in opinions though is leading to an irrational opinion.

Unfortunately it seems to me that although there's no proven risk the OP has made up her mind on whether baby gets any more cuddles from gran.

Her original question was I feel mean... AIBU?

I'm sensing the OP feels mean because she realises her gran is old and it's a faff for her to change clothes/clean teeth in order to hold baby and I think she realises too that it is unreasonable to expect this.

I'd be intersted to know how many children the Grandmother had and have they all grown up into healthy adults? At least one has as there is a healthly GD and GGS!

dustarr73 · 12/02/2016 23:50

Look i know certain things are my choice.But to me certain things are black and white.Its just the way i am.Im a child of the 70s my Mam smoked,along wiht everyone else.I grew up wiht everyone smoking.

I just think in this day and age when we have most of the stats.Its just to put the babies who dont have a voice have some choice.And that is down to the parents.Thats all.

Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 23:52

Certain things are the same for everyone. I have my huge foibles (dislikes etc. that are probably really unfounded and ridiculous) we all do. The OP is doing this and it's not medically an issue.

FoundNeverland · 12/02/2016 23:59

Dusstar - but it isn't black and white!! That's my point, and many others on this thread! It is your opinion, which I respect, but in the absence of evidence don't expect me to share or support it.

Show me the statistics and I will agree. As previously, I'm a scientist and have been taught to trust in peer reviewed research but there isn't any in relation to the dangers of third hand smoke or kissing babies (disclaimer - if you don't have a communicable disease).

I agree it is completely down to the OP but it seems sad to me that the baby's great grandmother doesn't get a cuddle just because she smells of cigarette smoke.

dustarr73 · 13/02/2016 00:02

Cigarette smoke is horrible so it might not have any harm,the smell alone is horrible.No baby deserves that.So in this case the baby trumps the smoking GM.

FoundNeverland · 13/02/2016 00:05

And that proves my point if that is the summation of your argument.

mummytippy · 13/02/2016 00:05

That's how I read it Found and you can't base concerns and danger on no evidence. I think it's sad that generational difference on opinions to smoking are getting in the way of a GGM cuddling the baby and the baby missing out on cuddles from GGM.

Swipe left for the next trending thread