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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let my grandmother hold my son

292 replies

gunting · 12/02/2016 19:06

My grandmother is a heavy smoker. My son is 3 months old and i refuse to take him to her house as she smokes in there.

She comes over to my house to visit him but won't brush her teeth/change clothes and it makes me anxious allowing her to hold him.

AIBU to not allow her? I feel cruel.

OP posts:
Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 22:12

I know TheFormidable Grin

I was a 60's baby too, we're all very healthy apart from allergies which are hereditary.

My mother had asthma, my sister has hay fever, I have rhinitis. My poor son has them all with a dollop of eczema and a major nut allergy to boot (there are also many other things he's allergic to in smaller ways)

This thing about smokers clothes and breath is just stupid scaremongering.

dustarr73 · 12/02/2016 22:13

Im very lax but when it came to smoking,im not.My mam wore a coat,washed her hands rinsed out her mouth before she held her Grandsons.
It might be harmless but the smell isnt.Its horrible.Can you imaginse someone holding you and snuggling when they smoke and you dont.

I think this is the one time your rights and the rights of your child comes first.

Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 22:15

This is more to do with "smell" than danger really though isn't it.

mummytippy · 12/02/2016 22:15

Ah bless you Gah

Hard isn't it. My Nanna was also my world and I spent a lot of time visiting my grandparents too. Both my grandparents smoked and my mum does too. I believe it is a generational thing. My great grandmother was 90 when she passed away and so I thought my Nanna would go on 'forever' too. Sadly she died suddenly at 74 Sad

I have never smoked (and don't give smokers a hard time).
I think the OP's situ needs to be put into perspective. It's her grandmother and it is just a cuddle! Think of how proud she must feel being a great grandmother.

Even a pp with 2 science degrees has confirmed no evidence of risk.

janethegirl2 · 12/02/2016 22:20

I would not care about the 'science' aspect and I'm a qualified scientist, but it's up to the mother what criteria she wishes to impose on visitors when they want a cuddle from her dear child.

Original poster
gunting · 12/02/2016 22:20

To be clear, it's not that my grandmother has never held him, she has. Each time he has come back smelling awful of cigarettes and perfume. When he was two days old she kissed him on the lips after smoking and that is when I said she needs to clean her teeth and change her clothes.

OP posts:
Original poster
gunting · 12/02/2016 22:23

She won't do this though and I genuinely believe it is a generational thing because it's not like smoking has always been seen in a negative light during her lifetime.

OP posts:
Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 22:27

This isn't a visitor though Jane, this is great granny that won't be around or too much longer. To ask her to strip off etc at the OPs house is ludicrous and very PFB.

There is absolutely no evidence in existence that this will cause bloody cancer.

Its about the OP being ridiculous.

janethegirl2 · 12/02/2016 22:31

Sorry, again if ppl want to cuddle my DC they must follow my rules.

GahBuggerit · 12/02/2016 22:31

ahh, i dunno op. its your gran innit? she wont be here forever, i think this is one instance you could chill about a bit of smoke whiff.

my nana wore laimant and Heaven Scent, she smelled wonderful

are you close to your gran?

janethegirl2 · 12/02/2016 22:33

Most of my family didn't smoke so there was no problem but dfil did and there was no way he had contact with the DC until he had stopped smoking, cleaned himself up etc before he had any contact with the kids.

Canshopwillshop · 12/02/2016 22:34

YABU - a quick cuddle now and then will not affect your baby. What will affect you is the guilt you will feel if you don't let her and then one day it is too late. My DC have grown up without any grandparents to cuddle them Sad

Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 22:34

I don't do rules Grin

lavenderhoney · 12/02/2016 22:34

Ask her to wash her hands, and not have had a smoke for at least 20 mins..

It's a cuddle - take some pics, chat to her about things in her day - my mum remembers her doctor smoking, his ashtray on the desk!

Be kind. Your baby might fuss - just smile and say - oh, DC is a bit grumpy, let me have him have back for a bit. She can't stop smoking I expect- maybe have a cardi she can wear at yours?

janethegirl2 · 12/02/2016 22:36

I'd prefer not to have rules, but just a bit of consideration for my views. However in the absence of this, I will impose my rules.

Original poster
gunting · 12/02/2016 22:39

Gah not particularly close, no.

I know I can't keep him away from everything that is potentially harmful but if anything did ever happen to him I'd rather know that I did everything I could to keep him safe.

OP posts:
Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 22:39

Consideration as in... don't smoke near my child is enough and I'm sure its adhered to.

janethegirl2 · 12/02/2016 22:40

No vintage I have much tighter restrictions

Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 22:42

You don't like her then do you OP. So theres more to this then. Im also guessing that you know you are being very unreasonable and tapping into some other peoples hysterical ridiculous views to make yourself somehow right?

Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 22:42

Im sure you do Jane Grin

trufflesnout · 12/02/2016 22:43

If she doesn't want to cuddle him, then she doesn't have to cuddle him. Why are you so keen for her to hold him if you've laid out the rules and she's said no thanks?

It's not like she can just crack this habit - she's an old woman and it sounds like her smoking has been almost lifelong. Smoking is an addiction, you know, it's not something that she 'puts before holding her great-grandson', at least not consciously.

janethegirl2 · 12/02/2016 22:44

I don't give a shit about other pls point of view and never have. I do what I feel is right for my kids. You may have different opinions but that's your choice

PacificDogwod · 12/02/2016 22:45

I know I can't keep him away from everything that is potentially harmful but if anything did ever happen to him I'd rather know that I did everything I could to keep him safe.

As I said, up to you to weigh one thing (keeping him away from a smoker) against another (keeping him away from your gran). Non-quantifiable, theoretical health risk vs social restriction. I know what I would (and have) chose (chosen) and you are entirely entitled to decide what you feel is of longterm advantage to your child.

mummytippy · 12/02/2016 22:45

I'm with Gah and CanShop

Perspective is required. This is a GGM who will not be around forever and treasured moments are what should be being enjoyed here...
NOT OTT clothes changing rituals into cardigans and blankets before touching and holding the baby.

My Nanna used to wear Tweed (by Lentheric!) and maybe smelt of a little smoke but it did not stop me loving her and I certainly would not have banned her from holding my DS.

dustarr73 · 12/02/2016 22:49

But she kissed the baby on the lips that really is a big no no.Whether you smoke or not.

Op you are only looking out for a defenceless baby.She is an adult with a choice which is something your baby doesnt have.

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