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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let my grandmother hold my son

292 replies

gunting · 12/02/2016 19:06

My grandmother is a heavy smoker. My son is 3 months old and i refuse to take him to her house as she smokes in there.

She comes over to my house to visit him but won't brush her teeth/change clothes and it makes me anxious allowing her to hold him.

AIBU to not allow her? I feel cruel.

OP posts:
janethegirl2 · 12/02/2016 22:50

IMO the baby must come first.

Original poster
gunting · 12/02/2016 22:50

Vintage how do you come to that conclusion? We're just not extremely close that's all. I still enjoy seeing her, she's my gran. This isn't about anything other than the fact I dislike smoking around my son and I'd expect someone to at least wash their hands after smoking in my garden and coming into my house trying to kiss him on the face. It doesn't matter who it was.

I was 10 when the gruesome images started being printed on cigarette packaging and I was 13 when smoking indoors was banned. For most of my life smoking has been seen as something extremely dangerous and I just don't want my son around it when he's tiny.

OP posts:
Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 22:52

Not smoking around your son is the way to go.

What you are suggesting is very over the top ridiculous.

FoundNeverland · 12/02/2016 22:52

What?! You can't kiss babies on the lips?! When did that rule come in?

PacificDogwod · 12/02/2016 22:54

I do see your point of view, I do.

You sound secure in your decision that you don't want your gran to hold him. Then that's it. No need to ask whether YABU.

Of course the baby must come first. IME there is more to looking out for our children than physical risk (no matter how small), there is also allowing them to grow up with their wider family. It takes a village…

Anyway, you know what you want to do, so do it.

dustarr73 · 12/02/2016 22:54

Found its to the Herpes virus its very dangerous for a baby.Theres no way you havent heard of this.

NewLife4Me · 12/02/2016 22:58

duster

I'm 49 and only read about kissing on lips and herpes last year on here.
We have 3 dc 2 grown up now, and never heard of it nor lots of other things I read on here.
If your dc were grown up you wouldn't necessarily know this.

NewLife4Me · 12/02/2016 22:59

sorry dusstar dusttar

I'm dyslexic.

dustarr73 · 12/02/2016 23:00

My 2 eldest dc are grown up.Im 43 and i didnt allow it when they where small.Its just not nice.I wouldnt want a total stranger coming up to me,so i used the same scenerio for my kids.

Canshopwillshop · 12/02/2016 23:00

Dustarr - but only if you have a cold sore.

dustarr73 · 12/02/2016 23:01

Dont worry NewLife4Me been called worse.Grin

PurpleDaisies · 12/02/2016 23:02

If you have a cold sore you should not kiss babies on the lips. You're fine otherwise.

dustarr73 · 12/02/2016 23:03

CanshopwillshopWouldnt take the risk,not when babies die from it.Its not worth it.

WhatTheActualFugg · 12/02/2016 23:04

FFS, here we go again. It's the e-cigarette thread all over again. Some people's total ability to stick their heads in the sand and ignore sound medical advice to put their own convenience/wants before the health of a baby is outstanding.

2nd / 3rd hand smoking, read-facing car seats, drinking whilst pregnant. It's always the same. Such is our egomaniacal society, too many people simply couldn't give a shit. They'd rather just do as they please. Because they're worth it.

Really quite depressing.

NewLife4Me · 12/02/2016 23:05

dustarr

Me neither really, my mum did strangely enough, before I could stop her.
Just seemed a bit weird and not right, but she was never at ease with new born babies as she hadn't had any.

It was here I learned about the cold saws though, never even mentioned to me with dd 12.

FoundNeverland · 12/02/2016 23:05

You shouldn't kiss anyone if you have a cold sore. And most people know if they have herpes or not!

Your post, dusstar, seemed to suggest that none should kiss babies on the lips ever which is just ludicrous.

NewLife4Me · 12/02/2016 23:06

sores, what's wrong with me tonight?
I'm really not usually so bad. Arghhhhh!

FoundNeverland · 12/02/2016 23:07

And that's also an incredibly patronising post dusstar especially as I have a PhD in microbiology.

dustarr73 · 12/02/2016 23:08

I dont know why people want to kiss babies on the lips.To me its just weird.

Canshopwillshop · 12/02/2016 23:09

Blimey, thought I was paranoid but this thread is a leveller! I'm off to bed. Night night, sleep if you can

BunloafAndCrumpets · 12/02/2016 23:09

Neverland, purple:

The reason I posted the LT leaflet was because they provide evidence-based best practice info.

With apologies for strange typos caused by the cut and paste:

'
It’s important to remember, however, that after having er a cigare e the smoke will s ll be on your clothes, hands and in your hair, and there is not enough current research for us to understand exactly how harmful this may be to your baby.'

In the absence of evidence the OP has to make a judgement call which she is comfortable with.

FoundNeverland · 12/02/2016 23:11

Whattheactualfugg - that's been the main crux of this argument. There is no evidence at all that third hand smoke poses a risk. Yes we know it smells but there are no defined risks just supposition.

dontpokethebear · 12/02/2016 23:11

The danger is not her clothes, but her breath! The chemicals in cigarettes (of which there are about 4000) can be present on exhalation for up to four hours after a cigarette. Your baby will be inhaling those chemicals that are on your GM breath. I would say no and explain why. YANBU.

IShouldBeSoLurky · 12/02/2016 23:12

Out of interest, how will you feel when your baby goes to nursery/baby groups/whatever with children whose parents smoke in the house? Will you refuse to allow your child close to those children? Or is it only adults who are toxic?

PurpleDaisies · 12/02/2016 23:12

Some people's total ability to stick their heads in the sand and ignore sound medical advice to put their own convenience/wants before the health of a baby is outstanding.

Where is this sound medical advice though? The evidence for passive smoking causing harm is convincing. The evidence that holding a baby while wearing clothes that have been smoked causes harm is not.

I hate cigarette smoke and it is totally the op's decision to let the gran hold the baby or not. But let's not pretend it is based on scientific evidence.