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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think CM Options have been bloody useless here?

216 replies

VelvetSpoon · 12/02/2016 16:00

I'm a single parent to 2 DC. I split with my Ex over 7.5 years ago. I never claimed anything - mainly because he's a complete arse who,concealed his income (all through a ltd co, he earned 5k a year,rest was dividends) and also because he said he'd rather be unemployed than pay me (he said this at mediation too, that I didn't deserve a penny!). I was / am lucky in that I don't need the money to live on.

Anyway, recently I was talking to my boyfriend about my house (Ex is still on mortgage - I've tried to buy him out but he won't respond to a text and I've not spoken to him for 5 years) and ge said why don't you just apply for maintenance, might piss him off enough to do something about the house? And if not you've got some money you can put aside for DC.

So I contacted them. Initial call where they explained how it worked, 30 mins. Second call where they set up the application 55 mins. Third call for clarification 15 mins.

Now I am not a chatter on the phone by any means. I am pretty clear and concise. So I wasn't prolonging the calls, that's how long they were because of the info requested, and the person updating their system etc.

So in all those 3 calls I explained my eldest child isn't my Exs. The position, as I informed them v clearly, is that DS1 has no contact with his bio dad. He's not on the birth cert, this is blank as to father's details. I have had no contact with him since before I knew I was pregnant, and no money from him. I met my Ex when DS was 18m, he has treated him as his since then, DS called him dad etc. He has never formally adopted him as we didn't think it necessary. I've always been v clear he should treat both DS and our DC together the same.

So I don't think that's complicated right?

On calls 2 and 3, I was asked if my Ex was on the birth cert. Well no, because I've said no father was named, and I've just told you we met when DS was 18m! Has he adopted him? No, I've already told you.

So today call no4. They can't claim for DS1 because he's not on the BC.

Would i like to make a claim against his dad? Or would I like to make a family arrangement with my Ex (despite me telling them on every call we don't speak, and he doesn't reply to other correspondence).

Is it too much to expect in 1.5 hours of calls I might get the right info, or for people to actually read the notes?

Apparently they're not proceeding with my application now, complete waste of time! Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 14/02/2016 13:07

I hardly think asking 2 young men (they are not tiny children) to ask one thing on a couple of occasions is going to scar them for life. It's not like I'm asking them daily to pass on my thoughts! They are aware of the position re the house and consider it strange their father is still tied to me in that regard. Particularly since he has cited his lack of money for a house deposit as the reason he is still living in his parent's spare room, and has nowhere proper for the DSs to stay overnight.

I am simply using all the tools at my disposal to get this matter resolved. If I was so minded, I could have made a claim 7 years ago, whether I needed the money or not.

OP posts:
IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 14/02/2016 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 14/02/2016 13:11

Why should he pay for a DC that is not his, you don't expect the actual father too yet expect a past boyfriend too.

Neither should he be paying for the house, he doesn't live there and gets no benefit from it.

Playing games now won't make him act, it will just sour relations even worse. Be an adult and do it properly without playing games. A solicitor could easily resolve it.

JohnLuther · 14/02/2016 13:12

He's escaped paying any money for either child, or towards the house, for 7.5 years.

He doesn't have to pay anything for DC1, please understand that.

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 14/02/2016 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

umizoomi · 14/02/2016 13:24

He has escaped paying any money for either child for the last 7.5 years

No, he hasn't. He doesn't owe you anything, legally or morally for DS1. He was in his life for 8 years, what would have happened if you were then with someone else for the last 7.5 years, would he be still be responsible for DS1 then, or does that financial responsibility pass to that person who would now be the father figure in their life? You feel it's not ok to chase his biological father because he has no knowledge of his existence, but yer you still believe morally the your ex has responsibility. He doesn't.

And, you could have claimed for DS2 legitimately 7.5 years ago but again chose not to so you can't now suggest he has 'escaped ' paying when you have never sought anything from him.

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 14/02/2016 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JohnLuther · 14/02/2016 13:30

Would she even get maintenance for DC1 if she was married? Since the ex DP isn't the biological father.

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 14/02/2016 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LogicalTest · 14/02/2016 13:43

I don't think, op, you've done yourself many favours in the way that you have phrased things, hence the lack of sympathy, but actually I can see why you're so frustrated and, if I'm understanding it correctly, it's not about maintenance. He is a joint owner of your house and won't negotiate on that. He doesn't pay for the house-you haven't complained about that-and doesn't live in it-you haven't complained about that either. You just want him off the mortgage so you are not tied to each other. He has not listened to you at all, or engaged with you in any way so as a last ditch resort you went for the maintenance angle to try something, anything, to get a reaction-however negative-to at least begin the process of sorting out the house. Is that right? If it is, I can see why you're so annoyed-if you bought as joint tenants and you were to die (God forbid) your half of the house would go to him and I can see why you wouldn't want that.

I won't repeat the bits about maintenance that have been made throughout-I think that point has been hammered home-but I do think that the only way you can resolve the house will be through a solicitor. If you can't afford one then it is difficult to see how you would find buying him out of the house? That's not a dig, just an observation? If your aim is to sell the house, if he doesn't agree there are very few courts that would not make the order for it to be sold and, number of children aside, he may feel a touch uncomfortable about going to court as it would, at some point, come out that he has paid no maintenance. On that though, you have accepted it for seven and a half years so you do have to take a little accountability for the fact you've done nothing about it before.

I have every sympathy for your frustration and hope you can sort things out one way or another soon.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 14/02/2016 14:01

Even if they were married he wouldn't be liable to pay for maintenance though. The courts wouldn't be interested in his marriage and commitment to his wife- they would be interested in an adoption document to say that he has committed to the child as a parent. 2 different things. And without that adoption taking place (which it didn't) even if they did get married, he has no liability for a child that isn't his. It's still the biological father's responsibility.
What if the RP meets a partner, marries him, and her ex is still in their child's life and pays maintenance for his child and then she divorced her current husband? Is she then entitled to maintenance from both men just because one is the biological father and the second married her? No of course not. Marriage has absolutely no bearing on whether you should contribute financially towards a stepchild when the relationship with the parent breaks down. In the UK at least.

AndNowItsSeven · 14/02/2016 15:28

Cantwait you are wrong. If the child does not see and is not supported by their bio father, and the step parent raises them as their own a court would very often award maintenance.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 14/02/2016 15:56

Really? I've never heard of that happening. I guess the stepdads know what they are getting in to then.
Much better being a stepmum in that case Grin

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/02/2016 15:58

It can happen to step mums as well.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 14/02/2016 16:08

I know I just realised what I said Blush I forgot for a split second that it was about when the bilogical dad isn't involved.

Thank god I'm not with a single dad whose ex isn't involved with their child then.

Marynary · 14/02/2016 18:33

I agree that they shouldn't have gone through the whole 55 minute application under the circumstances. It not only wasted your time but it wasted theirs. They should have an initial screening question to clarify whether the ex is actually the biological or adopted father.
I do think you were very naive to think there was a possibility that he would be required to pay maintenance though if he isn't the biological or adopted father, you weren't married and he had no legal responsibility for your child.

Oswin · 14/02/2016 23:57

All I'm seeing is a load of people criticising the op and no mention of this absolute piece of shit who doesn't pay for his child.
So what if she's only applying for maintenance to try and get him moving forward with the house.

Even if she was a billionaire and applied just because she could that's ok.

He should be paying for his child.
Op please open a claim for ds2, he absolutely should not get away with this.

ZiggyFartdust · 15/02/2016 11:50

Of course he should be paying for his kid, but the time for that was when she left him many years ago, not now when she is just using the system for different purposes.
She doesn't even want money from him (not that he'd pay it anyway)

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 15/02/2016 12:14

Aren't people rude?! The man raised this child as his own for 15 years, in everything but blood he is his Father! To the child he is his Father, certainly. Whether that's acceptable to other posters or not doesn't really matter.

My Husband adopted my Daughter. She calls him Daddy, he treats her exactly the same as our other two. He has now known her for 4.5 years, 10 years less than the partner has known the child in the op and in fact she was older than the op's child when they met. He is her Father, she is his Daughter.

Legally I'm sorry your ex wont have to pay. Morally I absolutely agree he has an equal responsibility to both children.

ZiggyFartdust · 15/02/2016 12:18

The man raised this child as his own for 15 years, in everything but blood he is his Father!

Have you not read it or are you just projecting massively? He moved in with the childs mother when the child was two, and moved out again by the time the child was 8. He hasn't paid any child maintenance since, either for him or for his biological child.

How on earth can you be a childs father when you didn't create them, didn't marry their mother, didn't stay more than a few years and dont' contribute in any material way to their upbringing ?

Oswin · 15/02/2016 12:21

Ziggy why shouldn't she apply now? So what if she didn't apply years ago.
Is there a time limit on paying for your child.
If your not made to pay in the first five years your free of paying forever?

It doesn't matter if op is using maintenance as a way to get him to sort the house.

The bottom line is he's a sad excuse for a human. A proper scumbag.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 15/02/2016 12:28

6 years of a child's life is not a small amount of time!

ZiggyFartdust · 15/02/2016 12:29

She should apply for maintenance if she wants maintenance.
She should not apply for maintenance when she does not want any, and is only doing it to try and force him to engage on the house.

Seriously does know one read the fucking thread?

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 15/02/2016 12:31

Her child is owed maintenance...doesn't matter a jot whether she needs it or not. The money belongs to the child. She can put it into a savings account for the child. Or not. It's really up to her.

TempusEedjit · 15/02/2016 12:34

I don't understand why the OP complicated her application by involving DS1 when the whole thing is merely a catalyst for getting her Ex to contact her.

And no, I don't think he should pay for DS1, not when OP said the Ex wanted to marry her and she was the one who refused. Why should she get to refuse his request to legally formalise their relationship and yet post-separation expect him to be legally responsible for a child he's not related to?