to think CM Options have been bloody useless here?

[VelvetSpoon]

I'm a single parent to 2 DC. I split with my Ex over 7.5 years ago. I never claimed anything - mainly because he's a complete arse who,concealed his income (all through a ltd co, he earned 5k a year,rest was dividends) and also because he said he'd rather be unemployed than pay me (he said this at mediation too, that I didn't deserve a penny!). I was / am lucky in that I don't need the money to live on.

Anyway, recently I was talking to my boyfriend about my house (Ex is still on mortgage - I've tried to buy him out but he won't respond to a text and I've not spoken to him for 5 years) and ge said why don't you just apply for maintenance, might piss him off enough to do something about the house? And if not you've got some money you can put aside for DC.

So I contacted them. Initial call where they explained how it worked, 30 mins. Second call where they set up the application 55 mins. Third call for clarification 15 mins.

Now I am not a chatter on the phone by any means. I am pretty clear and concise. So I wasn't prolonging the calls, that's how long they were because of the info requested, and the person updating their system etc.

So in all those 3 calls I explained my eldest child isn't my Exs. The position, as I informed them v clearly, is that DS1 has no contact with his bio dad. He's not on the birth cert, this is blank as to father's details. I have had no contact with him since before I knew I was pregnant, and no money from him. I met my Ex when DS was 18m, he has treated him as his since then, DS called him dad etc. He has never formally adopted him as we didn't think it necessary. I've always been v clear he should treat both DS and our DC together the same.

So I don't think that's complicated right?

On calls 2 and 3, I was asked if my Ex was on the birth cert. Well no, because I've said no father was named, and I've just told you we met when DS was 18m! Has he adopted him? No, I've already told you.

So today call no4. They can't claim for DS1 because he's not on the BC.

Would i like to make a claim against his dad? Or would I like to make a family arrangement with my Ex (despite me telling them on every call we don't speak, and he doesn't reply to other correspondence).

Is it too much to expect in 1.5 hours of calls I might get the right info, or for people to actually read the notes?

Apparently they're not proceeding with my application now, complete waste of time!

I'm satisfied as far as the house is concerned that I will do better than 50/50,

Not if takes you to court and the deeds state 50/50

We're tenants in common, not joint tenants - as we contributed in equal shares to the original purchase.

Courts have the power to make a determination of shares in a property irrespective of what the transfer docs may or may not say. He would have to prove either financial contribution, or services in lieu of the same.

And really for me, marriage would be a piece of paper. As a high earner able to financially support myself, I've never felt I needed the protection of what is effectively an anachromism, especially as the happiest couples I have known are the ones who never married!

Op if you ex had really wanted to parent your ds he should have married you and at the very least applied for pr. Really as your ds father was absent he should have adopted him. I don't understand why this didn't happen? Surely that should have been a sign to you that he wasn't prepared to treat both children the same.
Morally if you raise a child as your own of course you should provide financially.

I assume that adoption was just a piece of paper too...

Whatever the outcome here OP, at least you are rid of this man.

So if he dies, and has left his half of his house in his will to someone else, what happens then?

Oh my god, STOP trying to say that relationships without marriage are more stable or happier! Your first child's father (unmarried) fucked off and has never seen his child. Your second child's father (unmarried) fucked off after a handful of years and hasn't contributed financially for his child for the past 8 years.
In your situation, your relationship was no more successful because you weren't married. If a relationship is successful it's nothing to do with its legal status.

I expect none told you you couldn't claim because they thought it was blindingly obvious to anyone that you can't.

"Hi, I'd like to claim child support from someone I was never married to, who isn't the child's father and who hasn't lived with the child for well over seven years...."
You can't seriously have expected to be able to do that?

Courts have the power to make a determination of shares in a property irrespective of what the transfer docs may or may not say.

But you're not planning on taking him to court

My comment over house ownership should have said unequal shares, not in equal. Typo. Obviously the reason we are TIC is because we contributed differently.

I could have got married, but chose not to, ditto adoption. It would have added nothing- so now I might be able to make a financial claim for DS1 but really that's the only difference (and of course I'm not even guaranteed to get any money anyway if Ex is still concealing his earnings or gives up work). It would make no difference to DS being adopted.

Alice, you seem to have an issue with people who aren't married. I'm perfectly entitled to think it's not the be all and end all, and not for me. FWIW, I ended both relationships with my DSs fathers. Not a question of them fucking off...although I guess that is at odds with the stereotype of an unmarried woman with 2 kids by different dads....

I had requested on Friday that a supervisor or similar review the matter, listen to calls (in which I was very clear about the info I was providing), and contact me. My view is that - as they've not contacted my Ex at all - they simply delete DS1 from the application and proceed with DS2 only. I won't be claiming against DS1s dad. I don't need any money from him, I am very doubtful he can be found by name alone (very common name), and also because it would open a whole can of worms I can do without. This was never about money, more as a way of opening some kind of dialogue with DS2s dad. Hence claiming against DS1s dad was never on the radar. And tbh I am uncomfortable with the idea of seeking money from someone who never planned to have a child, was no part of the decision to keep the child and doesn't know of his existence.

You are seriously doing this to 'open up a dialogue' with your ex

It may well do. Non of it will probably be good.

Where have I said that in my last post?

I addressed the question of why I wouldn't be claiming from DS1s bio father.

I also said in my view DS2s application should proceed with DS1 being removed from it (and without the need for me to go through the laborious application process from scratch again).

It would have probably all been done and dusted in the time you've put into this posted.

Really cannot understand initiating a CMS claim in order to have him on side when it comes to negotiating on the house. I'd imagine he'd be far more likely to dig his heels in about his share.

Having tried to speak to him by text, phone, letter, face to face and also with the DSs saying 'mum would like to speak to you about the house', all to no avail, it's basically a final attempt before I have to give up and take the matter to court. That or I send my boyfriend to 'have a word' but I fight my own battles and that really isn't my style (or bfs come to that).

If it annoys him enough (and it will) it may be the final spur for him to sever all ties. There's no reason for us still to be connected via the house other than his intransigence. I have been willing all along to give him a fair amount for his share of the house. It is not that I've refused to give him a penny, or told him to wait til DS is 18.

It's not about getting him on side. I just need him to speak to me, or write, or text, or there to be some dialogue.

If it goes to court, I'll be expected to show some attempt to negotiate. Goodness knows what a judge would think of someone who ignores every reasonable attempt to contact them.

Lookit you tried to use the maintenance services as a tool to get your own way about the house. You don't want any money, you know you won't get any money. You are wasting everyones time for your own purposes. Why should anyone have any sympathy for you having to make your application over again, when you messed it up the first time by putting on a child you couldn't possibly pay for?

You're complaining that they are wasting your valuable time. Well you're wasting theirs, so I guess you're even.

*claim for, not pay for

Please don't use your sons as messengers. It's really unfair to put them in the middle of the two of you.

My DC aren't used as messengers. Other than on I think 2 occasions where I have,asked them to ask the above. I have nothing else to discuss with Ex, therefore no need to try and communicate with him, or to ask the DC to do so. Any arrangements to see them he makes with them directly, and has for the last 5 years at least.

If it annoys him enough (and it will) it may be the final spur for him to sever all ties.

So you are doing it to deliberately 'annoy' him. WOW.

I'm rapidly losing any sympathy that I had for the OP.

He's escaped paying any money for either child, or towards the house, for 7.5 years. Whilst I neither expect nor require sympathy, I certainly don't think anyone should be feeling sorry for my Ex.

If he'd paid from the outset, as most fathers do, irrespective of the mother's financial position (my boyfriend pays for his DC, despite the fact their mother is very wealthy - has a 7 figure trust fund) I wouldn't need to make a claim now. Likewise if he'd not been such a cock about the house and just agreed something with me, we wouldn't be in this position now.