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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think the teacher is in the wrong?

264 replies

Walshie123 · 12/02/2016 12:59

DS is 12 (in Yr 7)

He rarely asks to go to the toilet.

He was in an Art lesson (he had a lesson before this, so it wasn't just after break/lunch and the toilets are locked during lesson change) and asked if he could go to the toilet, it was 15 mins in.

Teacher said no and he left it. 5 mins later he asked again and she said that she had already told him no and he said that he really needed to go and she said that he can't.

5 mins even later, he got up and went over to her and said that he really doesn't think he can hold it anymore and he seriously had to go and she told him to sit down and get on with his work.

He said to me that he would have walked out at that point, but the toilets are locked and you need a note to get the key and he went over to the sink (he said standing helped) and that's the only way he could possibly keep it in. She said he was taking too long to wash his hands and he wet himself.

He then went over to his teacher and asked if he could go to medical as he feels really sick and she then told him to stop it and stop trying to lie his way to the toilet. He sat down.

When the lesson was over he began to cry and the teacher went over and asked what the problem was and she obviously saw because before he answered, he said she began to just back away and start to write on the board and told him to just go to lunch.

He got up and phoned me from the toilets and I went and got him (I pretended he had an appointment, someone else's was cancelled so he got it quick (wasn't true)) and now he refuses to go back, he thinks everyone saw, but by the sounds of things they didn't?? I just don't know what to suggest :(

AIBU or was that teacher in the wrong? (Fair enough if I'm being unreasonable/DS is, but just not sure what to do)

OP posts:
JohnLuther · 12/02/2016 17:04

PerspicaciaTick it appears so but I wouldn't describe them as adults.

HappyChristmasPratcheters · 12/02/2016 17:04

No that is not what I'm saying PerspicaciaTick. I'm responding to the posters who are saying that all adults are allowed to go when we want. Well some aren't. And actually I let students go to the loo a lot lot more than I should and have been reprimanded by management for it on several occasions... and also suffered disrupted classes as well by those seeking to misuse their loo trips.

PerspicaciaTick · 12/02/2016 17:04

And what a fantastic lesson the OP's DS has learned Hmm.
I'm sure it is something he will take with him into adulthood.

Original poster
Walshie123 · 12/02/2016 17:04

The difference is, teachers can go inbetween lessons and my DS did go at break!!! He just drunk a lot of water because of his sport event

OP posts:
HappyChristmasPratcheters · 12/02/2016 17:07

Walshie yes your DS should have been allowed to go. And I really feel for him. It is a very hard judgement call to make sometimes, and on this occasion his teacher got it wrong.

shebird · 12/02/2016 17:07

I cannot understand this policy. If a child asks more than once and is clearly desperate then it is a basic right to use the toilet. DD wet herself last year in primary when the school were doing a big drive on the importance of drinking water during the day but at the same they wouldn't allow kids to go to the toilet during lessons.

Greengardenpixie · 12/02/2016 17:09

mmm... I can go to the toilet before 9am but then not until 10:30. Then after my 15 mins, i cant go until lunch. After lunch i cant go from 1:00-3:00. I am in primary school though.

HappyChristmasPratcheters · 12/02/2016 17:10

Actually I don't have time to go between lessons - I have about 30 seconds between getting the last straggler out the door and setting up for the next class.
And break times are often used to ring parents or deal with tutee problems/lost kit etc.
Lunchtimes are parents again, revision sessions, detentions, setting up for the next lesson, maybe if I'm lucky getting something to drink (we don't eat or drink in labs so I get a bit parched) or eat and occasionally if I'm lucky enough time for trecking across campus to the staff female loos.

starfishmummy · 12/02/2016 17:10

Teachers may not be able to go in the middle of the class , but I bet their toilets are not locked between lessons.

linspins · 12/02/2016 17:11

OP, I second the poster who said please flag it up now, before half term, and make the appointment for after half term. It will show school that you are serious and it wasn't something that 'grew' in to a tale over the hols. Even if no one is at school now, email the office/admin etc.

Original poster
Walshie123 · 12/02/2016 17:14

I'll give them a call now, they have Friday detentions until 5:30, so I'll hope someone is there

OP posts:
cannotlogin · 12/02/2016 17:17

Totally agree. Sometimes i just cant go as a teacher. Who complains on my behalf?

I went twice today. My colleague used the word 'decadent'. It really felt like it.

Are there really, truly, actual adults on this thread saying "because I'm not allowed a wee, the children aren't either

No, that's not what is being said. However, teachers cannot just walk out of a classroom and go when they want. At senior school, children can make going to the loss a habit during break and lunch. They can also limit their intake of liquid (some suck on water bottles for 60 minutes at a time and wonder why they need to wee). They can reasonably be expected to wait just as teachers wait or as they would wait till they got home when caught short whilst out and about. A child who is so desperate he has wet himself (and who has no medical issues) is probably a child who has either not used the toilet when available and/or who has been drinking his own weight in liquid.

Teachers have a job to do and they want to do that job with the minimum of interruptions. That's not unreasonable. A whole school policy of 'you go when you have the opportunity and not in class' is also not unreasonable. Letting professionals exercise some judgement as to when children are taking the piss and when they're not is equally reasonable. Sometimes, I guess, they will get it wrong. I am quite sure the teacher was mortified and I suspect there will be more to it than what your son has told you.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 12/02/2016 17:18

As a teacher, we get daily emails from management saying 'please do not let children out of class for the toilet during lessons under any circumstances' (especially if there are visitors being shown around).

Hmm

I wouldnt care what the head sent round, if a child has asked twice I would let them go immediately.

The reason? We all know what its like to desperately need the loo.

If it's due to an instruction from the Head not to allow this, then the teacher isn't at fault, but someone is responsible for that policy, and they ought to be held accountable, apologies, and rectify the policy

I don't care who the instruction came from, if it was the prime minsiter, we are talking about children and a natural bodily bloody function. Angry

I would have no bloody qualms about defending myself should a child who clearly needed to go - went....!

Mooey89 · 12/02/2016 17:18

To those saying that they aren't able to go between lessons, you are adults.

If a parent prevented their child from using the toilet for so long that they wet themselves, and then ignored their distress, it would be neglect.

It is fucking HORRENDOUS that this has happened, your poor DS!

Youarentkiddingme · 12/02/2016 17:18

Id be livid. My friends DD (same age and year) goes to a secondary where the toilets are locked. They have to get planner signed and go get key during lessons. She has a period every 2-3 weeks and has recently started having problems retaining urine. Friend ended up taking her to gp due to problems. (Very personal but related to woman's bits)

Turns out they are all related to periods and having to hold urine - go was livid as well. Said its a danger to students to be out in this position and will be contacting school.

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 12/02/2016 17:19

Teachers have having to make split-second decisions constantly about 30 members of the class - parents only have to think about their own and assume every judgement can be perfectly made.
I was in a school recently where the fire alarm was going off every day - because pupils were claiming they needed the toilet and setting it off. And so the rule was reinforced as others have said. Some really do try it on, and there is a domino effect when they all clamour to go, and complain - you let her go - etc and it becomes a massive distraction and timewaster.
They are told constantly that this is the rule, ands that unless they have a medical condition (note in planner) they must go in break. They cannot be unaware of the rule.
Having said that, I might make an exception if the child asks again and if they have no record of truancy.

You should reassure him no-one knows, and in future to go at break times.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 12/02/2016 17:24

my DD is 8 and she asked to go in school assembly, she was told NO and sat down.But had to ask again she said " please let me just go I am desperate"

the teacher said NO.

I immediately sent email to school and was told it was a new teacher?

Youarentkiddingme · 12/02/2016 17:24

The biggest issue is that once she realised what had happened she ignored the child and sent him in his way.

That is totally disgraceful and a disgusting lack of well being and pastoral care.

Original poster
Walshie123 · 12/02/2016 17:25

He went at break!!!!!!! (3rd time)

Why do people always assume because she's a teacher, who made a bad judgment, it means my son isn't telling me all? He phoned me in tears, telling me what had happened and said "mum, this is really embarrassing, I'm 12, I shouldn't have done the sport thing, so I wouldn't need to drink so much" etc. he would tell me, we don't have some secret relationship

OP posts:
Footle · 12/02/2016 17:26

I think if I'd been in the OP's position I would have explained to the school office exactly why I was taking him home.

steff13 · 12/02/2016 17:27

I had initially thought that I would have said no at the first request, thinking that he had just gotten into class, and if he had to go 15 minutes in, he had to go 15 minutes ago, between classes.

But, since the bathrooms are locked between classes, he didn't have the opportunity to go then, either. I think that's crazy, and downright cruel.

To the teachers saying there is no one to cover their classes during the day while they go, why do you need someone to cover you? Why can't you get the class set on their work, then step out for five minutes? That's what has happened in every school I ever attended, and it's what happens in my kids' schools now.

Original poster
Walshie123 · 12/02/2016 17:28

DS was in such a frenzy/embarrassed and wanted to get his own pee off him, I figured it would be easier to say that (the reception staff are the most judgemental women you'll ever meet (at my DS's school)) and explain to a relevant meme bee of staff later.

OP posts:
Capricorn76 · 12/02/2016 17:31

If a parent had done this it would be called neglect.

I'm also a bit Hmm at a couple of teachers on here who appear to be trying to turn this into a teachers are so hard done by thread or maybe I'm misreading?

sleeponeday · 12/02/2016 17:33

Your poor DS, that's horrendous. He must feel so terrible, when he did absolutely nothing wrong at all. He was put in an appalling situation by someone being staggeringly stupid.

I've never forgotten a male teacher refusing to let me go to the loo in a class when my period had started. Summer, so nothing but knickers and a light cotton dress. Double period, to coin a pun, so a long wait.

Luckily nothing leaked through the dress due to strategic sitting, but I can still remember the seething hatred I felt for the stupid, insensitive dickhead. Teachers are usually magnificent - I'm not surprised there is a shortage, given the demands, and the relatively low pay - but the odd one can be a power-mad twat.

thebiscuitindustry · 12/02/2016 17:40

YANBU.

I think the answer should be "yes" the first time a child asks. Many of the well-behaved ones will take a "no" as gospel and will be afraid to challenge it by asking again. At that age I don't know that I'd have dared to ask a second time.

As for missing parts of the lesson, a child who needs the loo isn't going to be able to properly concentrate on their work.

If it's found that some pupils are messing around/smoking/setting of alarms etc. during loo breaks, then deal with that behaviour by sanctions such as detention for those pupils only.