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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think children need a father in order to thrive?

234 replies

Jellybeam · 11/02/2016 07:35

...in life?

Aibu to think that children who don't have their biological father present in their childhood end up with a heap of problems during childhood and throughout the rest of their lives.

How can anyone be happy not knowing who made them? My dad was there from birth until my late teens, I have a 6 week DD and her dad is abusive and I want to leave but I worry she will grow up with problems due to not really knowing her father. I know staying with her dad will mean she ends up with even bigger issues, but I can't help but feel she'll be missing on having a dad

OP posts:
CwtchMeQuick · 11/02/2016 15:41

And no, you said options. So what are those options for a pregnant woman? Continue the pregnancy or what exactly?

maybebabybee · 11/02/2016 15:42

Christ, MrBean, your judgy pants couldn't be hoiked up any further if they tried, could they?

So the responsibility for abuse and bad relationships is all the woman's, is it? The man isn't responsible for any of it?

Attitudes like yours are why women a) get into these relationships in the first place and (b) find it so difficult to get out of them.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 11/02/2016 15:42

Just pointing out that MrBean has either just joined today or name changed today (cowardly) and only posted on this thread and started a thread to bitch about someone cheating to get a council house.

Not one to take seriously.

solomon2003 · 11/02/2016 15:45

"So the responsibility for abuse and bad relationships is all the woman's, is it? The man isn't responsible for any of it?"
Pure hypocrisy!
MrBean was trying to level the scales a bit by saying that the responsibility is shared between the man and the woman.... to counter the untouchable stance by the comrades on here that it's all the man's fault.

MrsJayy · 11/02/2016 15:45

Oh dearie me MrBean what are you on about seriously you don't believe what you are spouting do you ?

SoThatHappened · 11/02/2016 15:45

My dad was apparently an abusive cunt. So my mother says. She left him to protect us.

Having been raised by her, I'd be better off in care all things considered. She was narcissistic, controlling and abusive.

But you are ok, OP. They'll be fine just with you.

PitPatKitKat · 11/02/2016 15:46

As far as I know, there has only really been one proper long term study on the effects of divorce/parents splitting.

That research is very clear. Putting the child at risk of abuse, or teaching it that abuse is acceptable in a relationship (e.g. because the child sees a parent tolerating abuse) is worse for a child than a parental split.

Otherwise, the research is very, very much against parents splitting up. So the fact that even they say abuse is worse than divorce, is pretty telling.

Be safe and good luck.

maybebabybee · 11/02/2016 15:46

MrBean was trying to level the scales a bit by saying that the responsibility is shared between the man and the woman

No. It isn't. If there is abuse in a relationship then the responsibility lies solely with the perpetrator. Regardless of whether they are male or female.

solomon2003 · 11/02/2016 15:47

"So you're taking ONE example of someone who may have poor parenting skills and deciding that ALL women with children from more than one father are the same as her?"
MrBean never said that.
More setting up straw men to burn down. It seems the stock in trade of the supposedly educated commentators on MN...

MrsJayy · 11/02/2016 15:48

This thread is about abusive husbandsas father's not man bashing unless you think abuse is just fine and dandy as long a child has a father any father in their life

maybebabybee · 11/02/2016 15:49

I imagine solomon is being defensive for a reason. Fairly telling about the kind of bloke he is IME.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 11/02/2016 15:49

Don't feed it.

Report, report, report.

Mag314 · 11/02/2016 15:49

A lot of men think like this though. Continuation of the species is a woman's duty, expense, sacrifice, responsibility.

She must be legally bound to allow an abusive man to control her and her children even if she does leave mindyou.

My abusive x, he's not abusive to the children, and I would like if he took them more often than twice a year but he won't.

There are far far more single mothers whose children's fathers aren't interested than there are single mothers trying to keep the children's fathers at arms length.

I'd like a break. Chance would be a fine thing.
I would like to share the responsibility 50:50 - chance would be a fine thing.
I would like if some of the sacrifices weren't mine. Chance would be a fine thing.

I've just been dumped by a man who didn't want to date a woman with young children. My x has been happily shacked up with his new partner for five years or so.

I've just tried to put my DC first. And fuck me that is not without sacrifice. There are far more mothers like me than there are like the stereotype/caricature that mrbean presents.

I don't have a council house, I have my own house. My children's dad does pay maintenance but that battle was hard won.

Lweji · 11/02/2016 15:59

Maybe it's some, of course men who should be taught about marriage? And how to respect and value their wives?

maybebabybee · 11/02/2016 16:00

why are you posting links that have no bearing on anything? are you too thick to articulate your own argument?

CwtchMeQuick · 11/02/2016 16:25

Just seen this petition which I think is relevant to the subject www.womensaid.org.uk/childfirst/

WhirlyTwos · 11/02/2016 16:39

Well, I was ging to ask Solomon about this mothering /fathering distinction to see if there was anything of interest there. But the links are so ridiculous I know that no-one with any sense could reasonably refer to them.

David Icke as "passionate truth seeker" indeed! Ah Solomon, you are funny. Grin

LilacSpunkMonkey · 11/02/2016 16:42

I did lt click on his links.

He never linked to David Icke, did he?

What next, Ron L. Hubbard on breastfeeding?

Keeptrudging · 11/02/2016 16:43

Cwtch thanks for the link, have signed and shared Smile

uglyswan · 11/02/2016 16:43

Here's what wikipedia has to say about solomon's so-called source:

"Focus on the Family's stated mission is 'nurturing and defending the God-ordained institution of the family and promoting biblical truths worldwide.' It promotes abstinence-only sexual education; creationism;adoption by married, opposite-sex parents;school prayer; and traditional gender roles. It opposes abortion; divorce; gambling; LGBT rights, particularly LGBT adoption and same-sex marriage; pornography; pre-marital sex; and substance abuse. Psychologists, psychiatrists, and social scientists have criticized Focus on the Family for trying to misrepresent their research to bolster FOTF's fundamentalist political agenda and ideology."

And you expect anyone to take you seriously?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 11/02/2016 16:45

I never had a dad. Am fairly well balanced and have never had any serious issues :)

QueenofLouisiana · 11/02/2016 16:56

All my issues relate to the abusive relationship I witnessed up to the age of 7. No issues at all about life after that, when my father finally pissed off.

I am terrified of arguments as on my head it leads to violence- although DH has never given me any reason to think he'd hurt me. I'm not terrified of bringing up DS alone.

It's not conclusive, just my experience!

Charley50 · 11/02/2016 16:57

My dad was emotionally abusive to us all and physically abusive to my Mum and DB. He shouted all the time. I wished every day that my mum would find the strength to kick him out. My DB became mentally ill and committed suicide. I think growing up in the house was a factor. I'm not as 'successful' in life as I could have been without living in a war zone.

Lweji · 11/02/2016 17:00

I hope the OP has made a decision about whether to leave or not.