AIBU to charge my daughter's friend to stay?

[Bifflepants]

Never posted in AIBU before, but I am genuinely interested to know if I am being unreasonable. Mixed views amongst my real life friends.

My older daughter is at university studying to become a vet. I miss her very much and love having her home in the holidays. As part of her course, she has to do a number of placements - 3 weeks dairy, 3 weeks sheep, 3 weeks horse and various others, just to gain experience on farms with these animals. We live in a rural area and finding placements around home is not difficult. Last holidays she had a dairy placement, arranged by me. Her new best friend at uni asked if she could also do it with her, and so came to stay for over 2 weeks. I was told by my daughter she would cook for herself etc, but she arrived from a holiday abroad absolutely broke, bought very little food and discovered a love of my cooking (I'm a good cook it must be said). So she ate very well, and contributed nothing except one meal, which took her 5 hours to cook. We ate at 10pm that night. She was a lovely girl, very like my daughter in that she was socially a little unusual and quite clever. She was also quite messy and did little to help around the house unless asked. It was like having another daughter.

Anyway, she left just before Christmas, leaving her bed unmade and a pile of books and rubbish in her room. I breathed a sigh of relief. Now my daughter has announced that the friend wants to a lot more placements here as there are no farms around where she lives. So another 7 weeks this year staying at ours altogether. I said fine, but she would have to pay some board. Either $20 (10gbp) per week for just bills, $90 (45GBP) for dinners only or $130 (65) for all meals and board. As a family we spend a lot of money on food and eat well, so this was a fair estimate of what it would take to feed her in my view. She had a very good appetite.

Additional info: We are very comfortably off but not rich and generally run out of money just before pay day. We don't have savings. I am not the best at managing money but we are never in debt. The friend's parents are both very senior doctors and very well off. Neither my daughter or the friend can get part time jobs as the course is too demanding so both rely on student loans and parental handouts. My daughter has never really had a best friend before and I very much want to support the friendship. The friend has agreed to the dinners only deal.

My real life friends were a bit shocked that I had asked for money, and also thought it was a lot. What do you think?

They are happy to pay for her to stay there and sheaskedto do placements there. Obviously she liked it enough to do so.

Yes she liked it because she didnt they were going to run her down behind her back.

If she saw this thread she wouldn't want to come back.

No one is saying she shouldn't be charged but the op doesn't like her.

comical for not cooking. Plently of people cant cook at that age and she can probably do lots of things the next person cant.

No idea where you're getting all this vitriol towards the girl, So .

It's also not very Kiwi to stay with someone for 9 weeks in total and not offer anything towards your keep.

It's just not very ACCEPTABLE, full stop, wherever you are/are from!
Nine weeks? That's like a short-term let, and no one would expect that for free.

And your daughter had to blow up her own bed and go out to eat and pay for her food when she stayed at this person's parents' house?

OP, you're too nice a host and this young woman and her parents are either spectacularly socially inept, or royally taking the piss.

Personally I wouldn't have her again, but if you are then asking her for a bit of money for food is the absolute minimum IMO. Set some house rules from the start, too, about tidying up after yourself and doing some fucking chores.

Wow, miaow, sothat. Look, I think she sounds sweet but thoughtless, you have probably given her a good life lesson in thinking 'hmm, staying with people for 9 weeks IS probably expensive.' I went to uni with lots of wealthy people, we were always 'broke' but the reality is that if we were in her position my well-off friends would have just phoned up parents and said, I need this much cash to cover my board, wealthy parents would have thought, how nice that she is staying somewhere safe, nice and where she'll be well looked after and paid up. Also, this way, if it works well, she can indeed do lots of placements in your area and not feel awkward about it as she's paying for it. I agree with pp that it's possibly something you could offer as a service to the uni, if you wanted to. Sounds great, I think back to some of the slummy places I lived in as a student and wish my friends parents had run a beautifully catered guest house just for me! Nb it's sad that they haven't taught her or she hasn't thought to clean up after herself and buy you guys a gift, knowing how to be a good guest is one of life's great skills! Esp at that age.

That's not passive aggressive, So.

I haven't seen where OP hates the girl.

Cripes SoThatHappened, I think you are reading a bit much into it. I liked her a lot, and she liked staying here so much that she pretty much wants to move in every holiday.

Expat....if you saw this thread as the girl....you'd be upset and not want to stay there again.

That's where I'm getting it from.

Another option might be to look into renting a flat for the two of them nearby and paying your daughters half.

This definitely comes into the category of "Only on Mumsnet".

OP, YANBU.

I don't think YABU, but I'd make it informal 'oh, can you chip in x for y?', both to make her feel welcome and also to ensure she doesn't start treating you like a hotel and doing even less.

'Expat....if you saw this thread as the girl....you'd be upset and not want to stay there again.'

Actually, no. I'd be embarrassed at how lazy and thoughtless I was.

YANBU. Seven weeks is a long time to be covering someone's expenses. It's not like she's just coming for the weekend.

You're too nice, OP. Your charges sound very fair and it makes more sense that she is treated more as a lodger for a long, work-related stay. Not least because she was not a very good guest. Just make sure she doesn't get the impression that paying means she can treat your house like a hotel.

Can you have a chat with your daughter and say 'she needs to make her bed, keep her room clean etc etc and if she doesn't then I expect you to do it, not me'?!

And I would also be embarrassed and wish the op had SAID it to my face while i was there. That i needed to pull my weight and i would have. But seeing it like this i wouldn't come back.

Agreeing with suggestion that the guest, as she is shown here, was at the least lazy and thoughtless.

I'd be interested to know how the daughter of the house behaves. If she knows how to be a guest in someones house, why isn't she making sure her guest behaves well, according to the house rules? I would certainly have included something about 'how we behave around here' into any agreement for her to return. Unless, of course, the daughter too, expects someone to clean up after her.

Some people here are being very unfair to you op, ignore them do not let those replies be your focus, especially when some of them are just bitchy!

Op put this girl up for a week already, she took the absolute piss, she was dirty and rude, now I don't give a shiney shit what part of the world you are from but nobody would be jumping up and down trying to get someone like that to stay again. She asked if she could come back, op is not in a financial position to bankroll an ungrateful sponger, she asked for a contribution, if the friend doesn't want to pay then good luck to her finding someone else to sponge off and to treat their house like their own but she also can use the "no is a complete sentence" line and say thanks but no thanks to the op

Fool you once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me - she took the piss once for a week, no way would she be taking the piss seven more times! At seven weeks to work she is a lodger not a guest

'But seeing it like this i wouldn't come back.'

I would, because then I'd have to be arsed finding other placements that might even be worse. This is much less hassle.

YANBU, but my first thought is that she is NOT going to end up buying her own breakfasts/ packed lunches etc. so will basically do the full option but only paying for dinners. She will dip into your stuff and then it will annoy as it is not part of the 'deal'. I think her parents sound v 'hands off' so she probably enjoys a bit of proper looking-after, bless her. Maybe see it like that and it will help you deal with it. As a PP said, it is very rude of the parents not to offer a contribution, but if you had to ask, you did have to ask. I still think it would've been better to just ask for a food contribution as really the elec/ bills could could be covered by you minimally (as it's only a tenner) - I am assuming this is basically a shower a day?

And I would also be embarrassed and wish the op had SAID it to my face while i was there. That i needed to pull my weight and i would have. But seeing it like this i wouldn't come back.

She's an adult, what kind of adult goes into someones else house and is dirty and ungrateful?

I often find myself hoping that people don't speak to others in real life like they do on here. There's no need to be impolite and rude.

Well, I feel safe that she is really very unlikely to see this thread, so I won't worry about that. And she was just a sweet, thoughtless child-adult, not evil or slovenly, just your average older teen that's never lived away from home before. Anyway, I am off to sleep. My heart is racing, I am now feeling terrible guilty and may yet change my mind about the charges. I bet I bloody dream about this now!

YANBU.

My DC had a shared room at her UK college, nothing fancy but it included a weekly cafeteria pass for meals. This often ran out and had to be topped up. The food was not high quality.

It was local authority run and cost £60 a week basic rate.

This was 11 years ago and at the time very cheap compared to uni accommodation costs.

What would it cost on a placement stay if she didn't have a friend to organise one for her?

You've nothing to feel guilty about, OP.

This girl has either been brought up badly by people who don't know how to be good guests, or she's made a decision not to try to be a good guest.

Neither is your fault.

Sounds perfectly reasonable rates for a lodger in your house, which is what she'll be.
Im not surprised she wants to come back for longer considering the fantastic time she had last time! Maid service, full gourmet dinners every night - I'd want to stay with you too! :D

YANBU at all! She was cheeky to eat you out of house and home and leave a mess, and she/her parents were cheeky to not offer you money for feeding her for a fortnight. Absolutely definitely charge her, but I woudn't offer the non-food option because she'll sit looking mournful and hungry and you'll end up feeding her anyway.

And, just to clarify, I did tell her to clean up. I actually ended up just treating her like another of my daughters, so I pointed out mess and asked her to help. She did clean up when asked, always.