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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to charge my daughter's friend to stay?

298 replies

Bifflepants · 10/02/2016 07:35

Never posted in AIBU before, but I am genuinely interested to know if I am being unreasonable. Mixed views amongst my real life friends.

My older daughter is at university studying to become a vet. I miss her very much and love having her home in the holidays. As part of her course, she has to do a number of placements - 3 weeks dairy, 3 weeks sheep, 3 weeks horse and various others, just to gain experience on farms with these animals. We live in a rural area and finding placements around home is not difficult. Last holidays she had a dairy placement, arranged by me. Her new best friend at uni asked if she could also do it with her, and so came to stay for over 2 weeks. I was told by my daughter she would cook for herself etc, but she arrived from a holiday abroad absolutely broke, bought very little food and discovered a love of my cooking (I'm a good cook it must be said). So she ate very well, and contributed nothing except one meal, which took her 5 hours to cook. We ate at 10pm that night. She was a lovely girl, very like my daughter in that she was socially a little unusual and quite clever. She was also quite messy and did little to help around the house unless asked. It was like having another daughter.

Anyway, she left just before Christmas, leaving her bed unmade and a pile of books and rubbish in her room. I breathed a sigh of relief. Now my daughter has announced that the friend wants to a lot more placements here as there are no farms around where she lives. So another 7 weeks this year staying at ours altogether. I said fine, but she would have to pay some board. Either $20 (10gbp) per week for just bills, $90 (45GBP) for dinners only or $130 (65) for all meals and board. As a family we spend a lot of money on food and eat well, so this was a fair estimate of what it would take to feed her in my view. She had a very good appetite.

Additional info: We are very comfortably off but not rich and generally run out of money just before pay day. We don't have savings. I am not the best at managing money but we are never in debt. The friend's parents are both very senior doctors and very well off. Neither my daughter or the friend can get part time jobs as the course is too demanding so both rely on student loans and parental handouts. My daughter has never really had a best friend before and I very much want to support the friendship. The friend has agreed to the dinners only deal.

My real life friends were a bit shocked that I had asked for money, and also thought it was a lot. What do you think?

OP posts:
KondosSecretJunkRoom · 10/02/2016 08:18

At the risk of sounding devious, do the girl's parents live anywhere useful that would be helpful when your dd graduates? Wink

coconutpie · 10/02/2016 08:18

The OP is not a charity and shouldn't have to find another adult for almost 2 months. Definitely charge those amounts and definitely set some ground rules.

ivykaty44 · 10/02/2016 08:19

Tbh I don't know why it has anything to do with this persons parents? They didn't stay, did they? This girl stayed and she is at university, meaning she is well into adulthood and capable of saying her own thank you.

I have dds and if one stayed with a friend parents for work etc it wouldnt dawn on me I should be telephoning and thanking them. I would expect my DD to say her thank you and be polite as I brought her up to do so.

coconutpie · 10/02/2016 08:19

Fund another adult, not find!!

LittleLionMansMummy · 10/02/2016 08:20

Yanbu. Presumably she doesn't think you are either as she's agreed to pay?

tb · 10/02/2016 08:22

Could it be that the girl's parents are well off because they have a habit of living at other people's expense? Sounds rather like it. I think you are being overly reasonable OP.

expatinscotland · 10/02/2016 08:23

£45 a week for one meal a day, lodging and all bills in NZ, for 7 weeks? Can I come over? I'll clean up and cook, too. BARGAIN. YANBU.

tokoloshe2015 · 10/02/2016 08:24

Sounds reasonable - if she had placements somewhere else presumably she'd have to fund somewhere to live, or if she did placements near you but you had no space she'd have to pay for somewhere. it's not as if she's coming for a week or weekend as a friend of your daughter, she's meeting a course requirement.

expatinscotland · 10/02/2016 08:25

And FWIW, I don't think being a 'gracious host' means skivvying after a slob. Set some ground rules. No one ever taught this gal now to respect someone else's house. Time she learned.

Original poster
Bifflepants · 10/02/2016 08:26

Well, her parents are entirely funding her university years as she is not entitled to a student allowance, so they are more involved than for other young adults I suppose. My daughter said she was a little shocked at how much I wanted to charge for food, but chose the food option (because she bloody loved my food).

I want to make it clear that I have never ever asked friends or family for money when they stay, or when my children have friends to stay, but this feels different. She's nominally an adult, and, well, I didn't invite her.

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 10/02/2016 08:29

I think theres a big difference between staying for 2 weeks and 7 weeks, and yanbu to charge board when someone is staying for an extended time. Your rates sound very fair - can I come and stay for 7 weeks? I'll clean up Smile

StrangeLookingParasite · 10/02/2016 08:30

It's one thing to have a friend over for a night or couple of nights, quite another to have someone there for seven weeks.

I think you're being entirely fair.

(Are you north or south island? I visited Wanaka a couple of years ago - so beautiful!)

nocabbageinmyeye · 10/02/2016 08:31

I don't think yabu either.

I think those saying op shouldn't charge because she is comforably off are missing the piece where she said they don't make the money stretch to pay day every month and don't have savings, that's not comfortably off at all, after 7 weeks with another (piss taking) adult if your not making it to pay day with money you will definitely notice a difference

Justsaynonow · 10/02/2016 08:33

Just as a monetary point of reference, my kids sometimes travel for their sport, and always pay room and board to their host. Last year we paid $300cdn per week, everything included -even airport pickup and drop off, which was much appreciated. My friend sometimes hosts and she charges $35cdn/day. We've never been given options of which meals, etc.

Since it's a placement, not a short vacation visit, I think you're totally correct to be charging. If you like doing it, maybe you could start a new business - do you have homestay students in your area? Here, they're always looking for hosts.

HicDraconis · 10/02/2016 08:35

£65 per person per week? My goodness what are you guys eating?! And where are you buying it from?!

We eat really well as a family of 4+current extra adult - organic meat, dairy, locally grown fruit & veges - and there is no way I spend that much on us all every week. We're in one of the most expensive parts of South Island, or at least I thought we were.

I wouldn't charge personally, because I don't agree with charging friends and family to stay with you. If you're going to charge her, I'd have thought $50-$100 for food would be more than enough. I would include all meals in that though, not just dinner. Does she get her own cupboard / fridge / storage space to be able to make her own breakfast and lunches?

Electricity and Internet access aren't that expensive either.

budgiegirl · 10/02/2016 08:38

I think you are being very fair, the odd week as a social visit is one thing, but 7 weeks for a placement is another. I was paying £45 per week for bed and most dinners in shared bedroom in a hall of residence 30 years ago.

I would try to make it clear though, that you will only charge when she is staying for a placement. No charge if she's visiting socially on another occasion, or you may put her off visiting your dd if she thinks she will be charged for it.

BramblePie · 10/02/2016 08:39

I'd be tempted to ask for $150 just for the hassle/putting you out kind of thing.

Seems fair to me.

Potatoface2 · 10/02/2016 08:43

if her parents are rich she should ask them to contribute....not expect you to subsidise her.....shes got a cheek...if it was a week, but 7 weeks,,,no way!

CeeceeBloomingdale · 10/02/2016 08:46

While I don't think you're bring unreasonable I wouldn't charge, purely as she is your daughters guest and I wouldn't want youth jeopardise their friendship

Rachel0Greep · 10/02/2016 08:47

I think it is fair that she has to pay. It's a long time, in my opinion, to expect to be fed and watered, without putting her hand in her pocket. If she doesn't think of that, surely her parents should. I would also insist that there is no mess left to be cleared up this time around.

Original poster
Bifflepants · 10/02/2016 08:47

Yes, we spend a lot on food. We are in fact wildly extravagant with food. It's my vice. And that's with a large amount of home grown veggies and very little meat. I'm in the North Island. I am almost certain that my calculations would actually leave me a little out of pocket.

OP posts:
Borninthe60s · 10/02/2016 08:50

If she had a placement elsewhere what would it cost her, if what you're asking is similar YANBU. I would discuss this with her parents and tell them the amounts you've come up with and say it's because it's going to be a long term thing not just the odd sleep over. I would at the same time say if roles were reversed you'd be wanting to contribute to your DD's keep.

YANBU.

HaPPy8 · 10/02/2016 08:50

I think this is perfectly fine and it is kind of you to have her. If she wasn't staying with you she would be spending a lot more too, renting somewhere. I also think it was pretty unreasonable of her not to offer something last time too. And as she has accepted she is presumably happy with the arrangement. 7 weeks is a long time!

Original poster
Bifflepants · 10/02/2016 08:52

Argghh it's the 3 or 4 people saying I am unreasonable that's going to play on my mind all night now!

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 10/02/2016 08:52

Don't offer her the option of providing her own food because she blatantly won't. Set a price for room and full board and offer her that. £65pw is a bargain. She'd have to pay for board if she was staying elsewhere and a lot more for a lot less