Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to charge my daughter's friend to stay?

298 replies

Bifflepants · 10/02/2016 07:35

Never posted in AIBU before, but I am genuinely interested to know if I am being unreasonable. Mixed views amongst my real life friends.

My older daughter is at university studying to become a vet. I miss her very much and love having her home in the holidays. As part of her course, she has to do a number of placements - 3 weeks dairy, 3 weeks sheep, 3 weeks horse and various others, just to gain experience on farms with these animals. We live in a rural area and finding placements around home is not difficult. Last holidays she had a dairy placement, arranged by me. Her new best friend at uni asked if she could also do it with her, and so came to stay for over 2 weeks. I was told by my daughter she would cook for herself etc, but she arrived from a holiday abroad absolutely broke, bought very little food and discovered a love of my cooking (I'm a good cook it must be said). So she ate very well, and contributed nothing except one meal, which took her 5 hours to cook. We ate at 10pm that night. She was a lovely girl, very like my daughter in that she was socially a little unusual and quite clever. She was also quite messy and did little to help around the house unless asked. It was like having another daughter.

Anyway, she left just before Christmas, leaving her bed unmade and a pile of books and rubbish in her room. I breathed a sigh of relief. Now my daughter has announced that the friend wants to a lot more placements here as there are no farms around where she lives. So another 7 weeks this year staying at ours altogether. I said fine, but she would have to pay some board. Either $20 (10gbp) per week for just bills, $90 (45GBP) for dinners only or $130 (65) for all meals and board. As a family we spend a lot of money on food and eat well, so this was a fair estimate of what it would take to feed her in my view. She had a very good appetite.

Additional info: We are very comfortably off but not rich and generally run out of money just before pay day. We don't have savings. I am not the best at managing money but we are never in debt. The friend's parents are both very senior doctors and very well off. Neither my daughter or the friend can get part time jobs as the course is too demanding so both rely on student loans and parental handouts. My daughter has never really had a best friend before and I very much want to support the friendship. The friend has agreed to the dinners only deal.

My real life friends were a bit shocked that I had asked for money, and also thought it was a lot. What do you think?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/02/2016 08:53

You don't have to justify yourself, Biffle. I'm amazed people think you should completely bankroll another adult who for a 7-week placement. As I said, £45 for all lodging, bills and dinner every night? Can I come over? You ought to run a dude ranch or something. People pay good whack for that.

cosytoaster · 10/02/2016 08:55

I think it's fair enough. If she was just visiting for a week to see your DD that would be different. But this is an essential part of her training and her well off parents should be factoring it in.

HicDraconis · 10/02/2016 08:55

Its just not a kiwi thing to do, it feels all kind of wrong. I couldn't do it.

expatinscotland · 10/02/2016 08:58

It's not a Kiwi thing to do? What if you're too poor to bankroll another adult for that long? A lot of people really couldn't afford it.

Original poster
Bifflepants · 10/02/2016 09:00

It's also not very Kiwi to stay with someone for 9 weeks in total and not offer anything towards your keep. But I'm not a real Kiwi anyway. And a large chunk of my food bill is imported cheese. I never did adapt to the local cheese.

OP posts:
theclick · 10/02/2016 09:03

If she expects maid service for 7 weeks, then charge her. Leaving her bed unmade is totally brattish IMO!!

Or you could discuss with your daughter to impart the message that if she is staying as a guest she should behave like one - ie not leaving a trail of mess and at least offering to cook once a week.

expatinscotland · 10/02/2016 09:03

Or expect full maid service and not clean up after yourself, I'd expect. That is fucking slovenly.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 10/02/2016 09:04

I started off intending to say YABU but actually, having read the whole post YANBU at all.

You haven't invited her - she has invited herself and said she will be doing this on several separate occasions, specifically for work experience and not specifically to visit your DD. In that context she is not really a guest, more of a lodger who happens to be a friend of your DD's... She is not a charity case, and it is not a reciprocal arrangement with your DD living rent and board free at her parents for a similar amount of time in return. Therefore YANBU at all.

HicDraconis · 10/02/2016 09:05

Then you don't agree that the other adult stays with you. And honestly food in NZ is really not horrendously expensive unless your weekly shop consists of mainly imported/processed items. Electricity here is cheaper than I paid in the UK (larger house, all electric including heating and water), Internet is rolled into phone line rental but aside from the capped limits its around $50 a month (so £25) - I wouldn't be able to ask for a contribution to those things that I would be paying anyway whether someone else was there or not. Perhaps food but even then only $50 per week.

SoThatHappened · 10/02/2016 09:07

No you shouldn't put her up at all.
Fair enough you need to charge her but what struck me was sneering at her for taking 5 hours to cook dinner for the family.

How old is she? By your own admission you love to cook and yet expect this student to be able to cook for at least 4 people like a seasoned cook.

If I were her I'd get placements away from your dd and pay for a hotel instead of paying you.

HicDraconis · 10/02/2016 09:09

I think its quite common in nz to put people up for periods at a time.

Cheese I agree with you. Far cheaper if you like decent cheese to make your own, everything else is waxy kilo blocks of flavourless yellow stuff.

BankWadger · 10/02/2016 09:09

I knew you were in NZ from you first post.
You ANBU no. NZ is shockingly expensive now days (Suppliers seem to think in £ then convert to $).
As a uni student this girl is an adult and needs to understand how the adult world works when it comes to paying your way.

Now if you'll excuse me this thread is making me unexpectedly homesick.

BramblePie · 10/02/2016 09:10

Hmm I am not sure now. If your vice was alcohol would you be incorporating that into what she'd have to pay.

expatinscotland · 10/02/2016 09:10

'Then you don't agree that the other adult stays with you. '

But she asked. She was not invited. And it's not a stay but a placement. If she were doing it elsewhere she'd expect to pay her lodging and board. They're doing her a favour by making it easier for her, she doesn't have to source all these placements now.

I'm on a meter and pay a mint in leccy. It's not cheap. We have no idea what the OP's situation is. She said she spends a lot on food. That's her lookout. Don't get why anyone would slag her off for that. It's her business what she spends on food.

If the gal didn't want to pay, and quite frankly, she's lucky they took her on considering she left the room a tip last time and didn't do a thing to help or offer to contribute to her keep when it was a placement and not an invited visit (and tbh, most people offer a meal out or something even when they are invited guests), then she was free to look elsewhere for a placement.

Filmstar01 · 10/02/2016 09:10

7 weeks is a long time to have a guest in your home. She should be prepared to help out with household chores etc - she's in your home, not digs! I don't really understand why you've gone for different options. I think it would be more straightforward to request a flat rate to contribute to the household expenses.

We went to my sister in laws for Christmas day and there were 15 of us there. We are a family of 3. They aren't earning as much as we are so we paid half towards their Christmas food shopping bill and we were only there for a day! We don't begrudge it, they didn't ask for it but they were grateful. My point is it wouldn't be unreasonable of her parents to show some generosity and thanks towards you for helping their daughter!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/02/2016 09:12

To be clear - she is not working on your farm but on that of friends and neighbours. In the UK, accommodation is often free as the work experience person stays on the "host" farm [I believe] as part of their unpaid work.

You are being entirely reasonable in asking for a contribution towards her stay. especially as it sounds like she can't get out of her own way

The charges are weird. Bills should be included end of. Then there's the half board option [breakfast and dinner incl], and full board so when she is at your house she has lunch and snacks also or you provide the provisions as a packed lunch.

I would make it very clear that she will be making the packed lunches and that you expect her to clean her room and change her bed weekly.

It's a bargain - if she had to stay at a local B&B it would cost her this plus meals out every night. If she doesn't like it there is always the option for her to stay on the farms she is working on.

SoThatHappened · 10/02/2016 09:12

You should charge her but you don't like her at all and what a crap way to spend your uni work placements.

Her rich parents jealous much can pay for her to stay somewhere nicer and nowhere near your dd.

Interestingly first time she makes a bf is when is she isn't under your roof.

expatinscotland · 10/02/2016 09:12

It's not an invited guest!

expatinscotland · 10/02/2016 09:15

'Her rich parents jealous much can pay for her to stay somewhere nicer and nowhere near your dd.'

They are happy to pay for her to stay there and she asked to do placements there. Obviously she liked it enough to do so.

RonniePickering · 10/02/2016 09:15

YANBU. I can't believe she wasn't embarrassed about staying before and not contributing.

OTheHugeManatee · 10/02/2016 09:18

I think YANBU to ask her for some money. If she was staying a week I'd say YABU but living in your home for nearly two months there has to be some quid pro quo.

Original poster
Bifflepants · 10/02/2016 09:18

Aww I feel bad that I sounded sneery about her 5 hour cooking stint. I put it in to show that her sharing the cooking would not really be an option. It was quite comical at the time. 5 hours for courgette fritters.

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 10/02/2016 09:19

Yes i see that.

Invited or not....the OP does not like her.

Who wants to be somewhere they arent welcome or liked.

is the op mute? Could she not say, please clean up after yourself, I am not your maid? It's really passive aggressive to say nothing and slag her off once she has left.

The op should tell her no because she doesnt want her to stay and this girl can find other placements and her parents can pay for a hotel.

MrsEricBana · 10/02/2016 09:19

Leaving the exact figures out of it you're definitely NBU to charge her to stay with you and use all services, have meals etc for 7 weeks. In my experience here when children of wealthier families come to visit they never offer to contribute (bring money towards an outing or whatever) but neither do they expect my dc to contribute when they go there, and it all works out. Conversely, people of similar means seem to understand that taking dcs out for the day, for example, is expensive and always offer a contribution, so it may be that. However, if your dd never stays at theirs they can't justify it like that. Maybe they assume she is using some of her pay towards her keep (sorry if you have said they don't get paid).

HicDraconis · 10/02/2016 09:21

NZ is not shockingly expensive! And it's easy enough to say no when someone asks if they can stay - no need to give reasons. No being a complete sentence and all that.

OP decides to say yes, it's still unreasonable to then say "but you have to pay". I can see why her rl friends were shocked, I would be if someone suggested they pay to stay here!

OPs choice to buy imported cheeses - understandable, nz cheese isn't as good as French or even decent English. Puhoi Valley's quite nice though. But why should daughter's friend have to pay a huge weekly food bill because the family she stays with has expensive tastes?