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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to charge my daughter's friend to stay?

298 replies

Bifflepants · 10/02/2016 07:35

Never posted in AIBU before, but I am genuinely interested to know if I am being unreasonable. Mixed views amongst my real life friends.

My older daughter is at university studying to become a vet. I miss her very much and love having her home in the holidays. As part of her course, she has to do a number of placements - 3 weeks dairy, 3 weeks sheep, 3 weeks horse and various others, just to gain experience on farms with these animals. We live in a rural area and finding placements around home is not difficult. Last holidays she had a dairy placement, arranged by me. Her new best friend at uni asked if she could also do it with her, and so came to stay for over 2 weeks. I was told by my daughter she would cook for herself etc, but she arrived from a holiday abroad absolutely broke, bought very little food and discovered a love of my cooking (I'm a good cook it must be said). So she ate very well, and contributed nothing except one meal, which took her 5 hours to cook. We ate at 10pm that night. She was a lovely girl, very like my daughter in that she was socially a little unusual and quite clever. She was also quite messy and did little to help around the house unless asked. It was like having another daughter.

Anyway, she left just before Christmas, leaving her bed unmade and a pile of books and rubbish in her room. I breathed a sigh of relief. Now my daughter has announced that the friend wants to a lot more placements here as there are no farms around where she lives. So another 7 weeks this year staying at ours altogether. I said fine, but she would have to pay some board. Either $20 (10gbp) per week for just bills, $90 (45GBP) for dinners only or $130 (65) for all meals and board. As a family we spend a lot of money on food and eat well, so this was a fair estimate of what it would take to feed her in my view. She had a very good appetite.

Additional info: We are very comfortably off but not rich and generally run out of money just before pay day. We don't have savings. I am not the best at managing money but we are never in debt. The friend's parents are both very senior doctors and very well off. Neither my daughter or the friend can get part time jobs as the course is too demanding so both rely on student loans and parental handouts. My daughter has never really had a best friend before and I very much want to support the friendship. The friend has agreed to the dinners only deal.

My real life friends were a bit shocked that I had asked for money, and also thought it was a lot. What do you think?

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 11/02/2016 21:18

It's an internet message board

Since when was Mumsnet an internet message board? Confused

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 11/02/2016 21:42

No idea what that 21:18 post's supposed to mean Rhonda if you can only question and not add your own definition, but whatever else you imagine MN might be, it sure ain't a court of law where words should be dissected and analysed to the Nth degree.

Mrsoverreaction · 11/02/2016 21:59

Biffle I think you sound lovely. Very sensible, balanced and logical.Your comments were completely clear and your sense of humour evident. Enjoy having the girl to stay, especially if it is going to be a positive experience for your daughter. They might end up being friends for life and you'll wonder what you were ever worrying about.

StrangeLookingParasite · 11/02/2016 23:01

Since when was Mumsnet an internet message board?

Errrr, what else do you think it is?

SuburbanRhonda · 11/02/2016 23:10

No idea what that 21:18 post's supposed to mean Rhonda

It's a parenting forum. HTH

SuburbanRhonda · 11/02/2016 23:12

And no one but you brought up the idea that it is "a court of law", enrique

Hmm
TealLove · 11/02/2016 23:30

Oh dear

Sandbrook · 11/02/2016 23:42

Yanbu to charge the girl. It's a long time to fund a guest in your home.

I am a little shocked at the excessive spend on cheese when you are struggling to get through the month and have no savings.
Not a cheese lover though so I may not properly understand Wink

Bifflepants · 12/02/2016 01:14

Getting through the month is not a struggle, but I tend to be quite good at spending money when we have it. We usually do have some savings, but I had to travel back to the UK last year for a funeral, so I need to build up our emergency funds again. And yeah, I love cheese. And other food.

OP posts:
ChickyChickyParmParm · 12/02/2016 01:47

I'm amazed people think you should completely bankroll another adult who for a 7-week placement.

Yeah, this. What you're charging is very reasonable in an expensive place like NZ. Cheese is eye-wateringly expensive there too, but I couldn't give it up either!

AddyLane · 12/02/2016 06:17

If it causes you stress, just tell your daughter no to having her friend stay.

cardoon · 12/02/2016 07:28

I don't think the state of your finances matters, I don't think it's anyone elses business but yours what you put on your table and I don't think you come across as disliking the girl. You are just trying to find a fair compromise for all concerned. I will ask again - would those thinking you are being unfair to charge the girl a small fee allow their own child to freeload for 7 weeks?

Hissy · 12/02/2016 07:33

The first time was an invitation, now they have asked for an arrangement.

I would also tell her that you expect her to make the bed and change the sheets etc. Rubbish is not to be left in the room.

Trickydecision · 12/02/2016 08:50

No idea what that 21:18 post's supposed to mean Rhonda

It's a parenting forum. HTH

Yes, parenting is a major topic of interest on here, but other issues are not excluded, regardless of what you may try to dictate Rhonda.

StrangeLookingParasite · 12/02/2016 10:25

It's a parenting forum. HTH

Bit smug. It's a parenting forum in the form of an internet message board/online forum. They're the same thing.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 12/02/2016 10:50

And no one but you brought up the idea that it is "a court of law", enrique Hmm

Yes, specifically in the context of what the MN message boards and forums are NOT, with reference to dissecting the OP's turn of phrase, and off the cuff remarks being picked over, when time and time again she has stated her actual feelings.

And seeing as you're doing the passive aggressive HTH, here's a handy link to the wide and varied topics you can find on MN www.mumsnet.com/Talk but of course you knew all that anyway.

SuburbanRhonda · 12/02/2016 23:52

It's a parenting forum in the form of an internet message board/online forum. They're the same thing.

What it isn't is just an internet message board. It has one, true, but it also has blogs, videos, reviews, local sites - so much more than just a message board.

SuburbanRhonda · 12/02/2016 23:53

here's a handy link to the wide and varied topics you can find on MN www.mumsnet.com/Talk

Sorry, remind me again who's being passive aggressive?

toffeeboffin · 13/02/2016 01:55

Well this thread's given me a right laugh, especially Casa del Bifflepants !

OP, YANBU to charge this girl board.

Have you thought seriously about offering home stays to students / workers in the future? You sound to enjoy it despite all the shenanigans on here.

Also, we still need a typical day's menu from you, please! Grin

southernskies · 13/02/2016 04:31

I spent $50 on a cheese blow out this week. I hold you responsible OP.

The NZ Herald reckons students need at least $60 a week for food so I think you are undercharging!

student cost of living

LogicalTest · 13/02/2016 10:01

Christ, not unreasonable at all. I'm amazed that you had to ask rather than her parents or her offering. You're not running a charity and your rates are reasonable. What time is dinner? I'll skip the flowers but I'd like the best sheets when I move in too please!

Tandia · 14/02/2016 01:27

Have just read TFT and I think you're absolutely doing the right thing, being very hospitable and I'm sure your soon to be house guest will (or at least should!) be very grateful! Have no idea why some posters want to attack you. I have breathed a sigh of relief when my family (who I adore) have left my house, so you have nothing to be ashamed of! Good luck, and hold your head high!!

crazycatguy · 14/02/2016 01:59

I have a friend who lives in NZ and I went out to visit him this past summer and we traveled round, mostly staying at friends of his or friends of travelers we met. Anywhere we stayed, we always offered '$20 for the power' in recognition of how expensive it is there. It seemed common practice. Ergo YANBU.

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