AIBU to charge my daughter's friend to stay?

[Bifflepants]

Never posted in AIBU before, but I am genuinely interested to know if I am being unreasonable. Mixed views amongst my real life friends.

My older daughter is at university studying to become a vet. I miss her very much and love having her home in the holidays. As part of her course, she has to do a number of placements - 3 weeks dairy, 3 weeks sheep, 3 weeks horse and various others, just to gain experience on farms with these animals. We live in a rural area and finding placements around home is not difficult. Last holidays she had a dairy placement, arranged by me. Her new best friend at uni asked if she could also do it with her, and so came to stay for over 2 weeks. I was told by my daughter she would cook for herself etc, but she arrived from a holiday abroad absolutely broke, bought very little food and discovered a love of my cooking (I'm a good cook it must be said). So she ate very well, and contributed nothing except one meal, which took her 5 hours to cook. We ate at 10pm that night. She was a lovely girl, very like my daughter in that she was socially a little unusual and quite clever. She was also quite messy and did little to help around the house unless asked. It was like having another daughter.

Anyway, she left just before Christmas, leaving her bed unmade and a pile of books and rubbish in her room. I breathed a sigh of relief. Now my daughter has announced that the friend wants to a lot more placements here as there are no farms around where she lives. So another 7 weeks this year staying at ours altogether. I said fine, but she would have to pay some board. Either $20 (10gbp) per week for just bills, $90 (45GBP) for dinners only or $130 (65) for all meals and board. As a family we spend a lot of money on food and eat well, so this was a fair estimate of what it would take to feed her in my view. She had a very good appetite.

Additional info: We are very comfortably off but not rich and generally run out of money just before pay day. We don't have savings. I am not the best at managing money but we are never in debt. The friend's parents are both very senior doctors and very well off. Neither my daughter or the friend can get part time jobs as the course is too demanding so both rely on student loans and parental handouts. My daughter has never really had a best friend before and I very much want to support the friendship. The friend has agreed to the dinners only deal.

My real life friends were a bit shocked that I had asked for money, and also thought it was a lot. What do you think?

Kiwi chipping my 2 cents in here. NZ is shockingly expensive, we have just come back home last year after living in London for the past 10 and cannot believe the cost of living. Food especially. OP I think you are right to charge board, the amounts are a bargain, especially if she gets good home cooked meals. She should also help out with the odd house hold task (dishes, keeping her room tidy, cleaning the bathroom she uses once a week) Because she is an adult, and that is reasonable behaviour when staying as a guest for 7weeks!

Also- biffle where have you found buffalo mozzarella? Can't seem to find it at out local NW or countdown!

YANBU.

I assumed it would be Aus from your OP but NZ can be even bloody worse.

There is no way I would put up my kids friends for free for 7 weeks.

It speaks volumes that the parents of the girls have not been in touch to a) express their thanks and appreciation for the first stay and b) to offer a sensible rate for the duration of future stays which is paid in full in advance to you with a smile and with gratitude.

It's a real shame you've got a dilemma on your shoulders and I completely get that you want to offer support to your daughter's friend.

You're certainly not being unreasonable. Go ahead as you plan, its a really sensible suggestion. I'd feel the same as you but underneath it all I'd be damned if someone, even a young student would take advantage of me.

Wishing the girls success in their studies and placements!

I agree the OP sounds like she doesn't like her DD's friend. She drops phrases like "but she was very sweet" into her posts, but underneath the surface niceness is clear resentment.

I wonder if it's because the OP admits she really misses her DD and would much rather not have to share her with someone she doesn't really like?

I think anyone resents being taken for granted without anything (even gratitude by the sounds of it) in return. I have to say that even in the UK which sounds kike it is much cheaper, having an extra adult to stay for just 2 or 3 days makes an appreciable hole in our food and bills budget. The key is probably in the way the offer is phrased; my DSD's longish term boyfriend possibly wanted to stay with us a while back for work and we were happy(ish as it involved swapping bedrooms around, but he is a nice guy) to have him here but we did indicate that as it was going to be for more than a few days we would need to ask for some contribution towards food and bill costs and suggested £25 per week would be appropriate -judging by what he eats over 2-3 days at ours normally this would be a bargain, and we expected to be providing food for pack lunches, use of washing machine etc too. He was more than happy when we suggested this, but I doubt he would have thought of it otherwise. The work didn't happen in the end, but I think it is appropriate to request if it is a case of being used as a boarding house rather than for social reasons.

You are being completely reasonable. It's the girl and her parents who are rude by not offering (insisting, in fact) to pay for her keep up front.

Yes I would, she would still have to pay for accommodation and expenses if she were on placement. She was only broke, as she spent all her money on her holiday. Yes you should, she is an adult, and should take responsibility.

How about speaking to her parents on the pretext of checking that they are ok with the arrangements? As she is not an independent adult as yet and presumably the funding would come from them it would be good to keep the £ discussions away from the girls..? I would not expect my DD (21 at Uni) to stay at a friend's home free of charge, or to behave in such a childish manner perhaps they are not aware of the situation - I would be clear with her about the house rules (for both of them) from the start. Hope that helps? x

suburban 7 weeks is a long time, op is living hand to mouth with no savings, having a freeloading adult living with you for that amount of time, using your electricity, water, gas, food, is going to make a hole in your budget. The fact she does not offer, or her parents to help op, of course op is not best pleased, I would not be!

She was also quite messy and did little to help around the house unless asked. It was like having another daughter

Anyway, she left just before Christmas, leaving her bed unmade and a pile of books and rubbish in her room

That is unacceptable, I do not blame op for being reluctant to have her, especially for that length of time! Op I would just say no!

It was very generous to let her stay for two weeks as a guest. £45/£65 a week is perfectly reasonable. Also let her know that will put her on the rota for household chores so that she's not left out. She can be made to feel very welcome at the same time.

You could always email her saying 'you're very welcome to stay. I know how much you enjoyed my cooking too! I'll need to charge x amount per week to cover costs and will put you on the family chores rota. I'm sure it will be a fun 7 weeks'

I'm a Kiwi in NZ and think the proposed cost is reasonable. Food here is expensive especially cheese which is ridiculous for the 'cheap' stuff and upsetting for anything which has some taste when I compare with what we paid in the UK.

There is still a bit of an expectation around putting up friends and family in the short term but this is for a decent length and to accommodate her study not to come visit your family.

I have two questions, firstly when will you be opening your very reasonable b&b (plus dinner) and secondly (for a pp) where do I get cheap internet as we got dropped by whoosh onto slingshot who are expensive and useless and we now lose our connection regularly?

YANBU. At all.

In my mid -20s, I moved back in with my parents, whilst I completed a very low paid apprenticeship. I paid my parents board. It's the respectful thing to do. And that was MY parents. You've given the first placement 'free' as it were and that was very generous, but 7 weeks is a lot, and she clearly has no problem with the arrangement having agreed to it.

$90 a week for lodging, all bills, homecooked dinner and laundry services? When can I come ? Bargain in NZ.

Always surprised at how many MNers have the space and extra space to house adults for free. Wonder why they never offer up to take in a homeless person to lodge for free.

I wouldn't entertain this so you are massively reasonable for that alone and yes of course she should pay towards her keep. One thing if it was a couple of days but weeks ?????

I don't think charging her for extra expenses you incur is unreasonable and I think it's a good idea to canvass for opinions on here.

What I do think is unreasonable is criticising her behind her back, even on an anonymous forum. I realise it means you get more YANBUs than YABUs, but maybe saying something at the time, rather than seething with resentment (thinking about the alleged 5-hour-dinner scenario) would be a better way to iron out any problems. I wouldn't email at all - seems like you're afraid to say anything to her face.

Op doesn't seem to be seathing with resentment suburban. Op just stated some facts about the guests contribution during her last visit and stated how she feels.

I tried to present all the facts and considerations in my OP, and part of that was that she was a bit messy, needed telling if stuff needed doing, and would not be able to help out with cooking in anyway. I do feel regretful that it gave the impression I didn't like her, as I did, very much. However, I did think it was relevant to my feelings about her staying for several more placements. I was pretty upfront with her at the time, e.g. "could you put your plate in the dishwasher please friend'sname" as she walked away from it. I did not tackle her about how she left her room, as she had gone by then, but it did actually upset me a bit at the time as I then felt taken for granted - mess left, no thank you etc.. I will tell her before she leaves next time to strip her bed.

Cheese - buffalo mozzarella and others - my closest town is Cambridge and has enough cheese loving Brits to make it worthwhile for all the supermarkets to stock a decent range of imported cheeses.

YANBU
You sound lovely, welcoming and very kind. She should pay towards her keep. I think the amount you have mentioned is very reasonable. May I be very nosey and ask where you are as you quote in dollars as well as GBP.
I have visions of a beautiful ranch

For what it's worth Biffle, I didn't get the impression that you didn't like the friend.

One of my own DDs has been infuriatingly messy in sharp contrast with the rest of the household and despite my very best efforts. I hated that, it drove me mad, but it didn't mean I didn't like her, let alone love her.

We all know it's not always easy living with others, even our own

Op doesn't seem to be seathing with resentment suburban

It was the bit where she has she had to bite her fist while waiting for the five-hour-dinner. Just thought she should have said something rather than kept quiet - it is her own home after all.

Good that others don't think the OP dislikes her DD's friend. Again it was the OP's "sigh of relief" when the friend left that led me to think that.

I pretty much always breathe a sigh of relief when long stay guests leave if I'm honest.

It's an internet message board, not a court of law. We sometimes add phrases, or tell of events, in a way that'd come across differently if they were spoken face to face with the appropriate smile or laugh. We exaggerate or say things off the cuff for effect, without malice, not expecting every word to be scrutinized.

If I'm honest though, I've breathed a sigh of relief when some guests have left regardless of how much I love or like them. Equally sometimes it's been nice when a visit's come to an end and I fully expect our hosts to have felt the same.

Some of us are very flexible and relaxed with our home space and some of us like our own way of doing things. It's just the way it is.

If the OP didn't like her DD's friend then she'd just have said sorry, no, we can't accommodate her for so long and that'd have been that.

I pretty much always breathe a sigh of relief when long stay guests leave if I'm honest.

Strange you thought to mention it then.