AIBU to charge my daughter's friend to stay?

[Bifflepants]

Never posted in AIBU before, but I am genuinely interested to know if I am being unreasonable. Mixed views amongst my real life friends.

My older daughter is at university studying to become a vet. I miss her very much and love having her home in the holidays. As part of her course, she has to do a number of placements - 3 weeks dairy, 3 weeks sheep, 3 weeks horse and various others, just to gain experience on farms with these animals. We live in a rural area and finding placements around home is not difficult. Last holidays she had a dairy placement, arranged by me. Her new best friend at uni asked if she could also do it with her, and so came to stay for over 2 weeks. I was told by my daughter she would cook for herself etc, but she arrived from a holiday abroad absolutely broke, bought very little food and discovered a love of my cooking (I'm a good cook it must be said). So she ate very well, and contributed nothing except one meal, which took her 5 hours to cook. We ate at 10pm that night. She was a lovely girl, very like my daughter in that she was socially a little unusual and quite clever. She was also quite messy and did little to help around the house unless asked. It was like having another daughter.

Anyway, she left just before Christmas, leaving her bed unmade and a pile of books and rubbish in her room. I breathed a sigh of relief. Now my daughter has announced that the friend wants to a lot more placements here as there are no farms around where she lives. So another 7 weeks this year staying at ours altogether. I said fine, but she would have to pay some board. Either $20 (10gbp) per week for just bills, $90 (45GBP) for dinners only or $130 (65) for all meals and board. As a family we spend a lot of money on food and eat well, so this was a fair estimate of what it would take to feed her in my view. She had a very good appetite.

Additional info: We are very comfortably off but not rich and generally run out of money just before pay day. We don't have savings. I am not the best at managing money but we are never in debt. The friend's parents are both very senior doctors and very well off. Neither my daughter or the friend can get part time jobs as the course is too demanding so both rely on student loans and parental handouts. My daughter has never really had a best friend before and I very much want to support the friendship. The friend has agreed to the dinners only deal.

My real life friends were a bit shocked that I had asked for money, and also thought it was a lot. What do you think?

If she's never lived away from home before it would explain why she didn't do anything around the house to help without being asked - she probably didn't realise the jobs needed doing. My friend has an au pair staying at the moment who will do anything she's asked to, but needs to be asked; she doesn't have the organised mindset of someone who's lived on her own and knows you need to start dinner at 3 if you want to be eating at 6. Or possibly 1 if you don't know how long it takes to grate courgettes.

If they're on work placements when do they get the time to cook and clean anyway? Farm days are long.

YANBU.

And to answer a PP, the OP didn't say 'Yes you can stay. BUT...'.
The answer was 'Yes you can stay under these conditions...'.

the way I read it, I hear:
Yes I'm very happy for friend to stay. She is a lovely girl. However, we found last time that her staying here for 7 weeks was too much financially for us wo any help.

She was after all supposed to do some cooking herself (before she realised how good your dinners were!). So she didn't, at thw time, keep her part of the deal either.

Well this girl and her parents are pretty ill mannered. Money should have been offered to you for her stay and of course she should have bought you chocolates or flowers or wine to say thank you. That is absolute basic. You take that if you go somewhere for Sunday lunch let alone enjoying their hospitality for weeks on end!

YANBU OP as most have said.

If she's never lived away from home before it would explain why she didn't do anything around the house to help without being asked - she probably didn't realise the jobs needed doing.

Because you don't expect your dc to help around the house wo being asked at that age? Really?

MerryMarrigold rightly suspects that the 'dinners and bills' arrangement is flawed, as inevitably extra bits and pieces of food will creep in. OP, won't it drive you mad to have her faffing around making her own breakfast?

She will probably end up getting the full McCoy at a reduced price, so OP, YANBU and seem to be a lovely person, not to say an excellent cook.

Hic - I also work out of the home and have a lifestyle block. My days are very long.

I think £50 a week all in, is fair.

Mind you, when I was a student on a placement, my room was £50 a week, I had to cook for myself, and got a job in a pub in the evenings to pay for my food.

If her parents are well off, they are being quite rude not offering some money, if she can't pay her own way.

It rather depends on whose yardstick you are judging manners by. I don't see a badly brought up, ill mannered girl - I see an early twenties never had to think about it therefore thoughtless girl. They are not the same.

I actually ended up just treating her like another of my daughters, so I pointed out mess and asked her to help. She did clean up when asked, always.

So what's your problem then? Plenty of 18/19 year olds are just thick and lazy and dont see a mess to clean up. If she cleaned up when asked I dont get your complaints. Your own children need to be told too it seems.

So she's going to pay, she cleans up if you ask her. She cant cook but many people cant.

What's the point of this thread?

Biffle likewise with the long days, although my "lifestyle block" is an oversized vege and chicken patch. These girls are studying and working on placements - yes by all means keep their rooms clean and tidy, but no other housework surely.

It doesn't matter whether her parent are rich or whether op is rich, another adult coming to stay for an extended period needs to pay their own way.

That adult is very pleased with the food placed in front if her each day, well she can pay towards the ability to cook it, the traveling to buy produce, the gas to cooa it, the table its served on, the water to wash up afterwards, the plates it was served on, the washing of the bedclothes, the bed to sleep in, the comfortable seating, the electric use.

Nothing comes for free.

Op I would also tactfulay say when she stays that room service has gone on strike and she will Need to clear up after herself when she leaves this time - saqd with a aind wqnk and a smile - its not a hotel but a family home and she needs to muck in with laying the table, loading the dishwasher and clearing round the bathroom after use.

If she can manage veterinary medicine and heavy days on a farm working she's anything but lazy.

Maybe tired and didnt think.

saqd with a aind wqnk and a smile

What's the w word in that sentence ivy?!

The point is that Biffle's friends were shocked when she mentioned charging so she wanted a wider viewpoint. I suspect somewhere she also feels slightly uncomfortable about it (from guilty comment earlier) and is looking for group affirmation of her decisions.

She's had enough of it that I think her guilt should be assuaged, however. I do wonder how many of her friends who are shocked are kiwi though and how many who completely agree with the manners / lack of arguments are English.

Such similar places on the surface and such wide cultural differences just underneath.

Hic, they were on holiday and did not have to study. The dairy placement was 5am-8am, 11-1pm and then 3pm-5pm. They came home for all the breaks. Meanwhile I was out at work all day. I did expect them to help with housework, yes. My daughter has no problems with this. I have always expected my girls to help out around the house, although my 15 year old is yet to come round to my way of thinking about this.

YANBU. You are doing your DD's friend a favour by providing her accommodation so she can get placements. I don't think she's selfish, I think she's thoughtless but 7 weeks is a long time to have her to stay when she is messy and didn't honour the agreement of cooking for herself last time. You shouldn't be out of pocket. If you didn't help her then presumably she would have to pay more for meals and accommodation somewhere else anyway. Tell your friends that if they think you are wrong to charge then they are welcome to put her up for free. I bet they shut up!

Why on earth to should the OP financially sub an unrelated adult???

Totally fine to ask for board. Her/her parents should have offered in the first place.

Good lord at some of the replies!

Yes OP, perfectly sensible, your plan doesn't mean you are evil and hate the girl, or she is evil and should be hated. It's all a bit bonkers with the usual discourse (over-) analysis.

You're fine. She's fine. It will be fine. :)

Biffle please don't focus on the very few keyboard warriors cowards who are being negative. You are definitely not being unreasonable. Her parents on the other hand were.

It's so easy to slate someone when you're not in front of them.

May be best not to post on AIBU though if you can't take the negatives. I've been bitten before and it's not nice. Although tbf I was being U You're not!!

Wink

Sorry my pad went a little strange there..!

That makes more sense than what I had in my head!

OP, I think you've been given a hard time here. I see no vitriol towards the girl, only exasperation at her ill manners and her family's cheapness. FWIW, I think you sound a lovely and generous woman. I also think:

1. The amount you propose is completely reasonable and totally bargainous. You're not, after all, making money, you're simply covering costs, so that it doesn't cost you money to host her.

2. Please please please be direct with her about cleaning and tidying up after herself and your general expectations. You are not a maid service but you have to be clear.

At this age, sometimes you really need to spell it out. It doesn't mean they're horrible, they're just young and a little thoughtless (to my shame, I was rather like this at her age - now I'm a terrific guest). She'll catch on quickly.

Do NOT ask your daughter to have a word. She won't, or she won't be explicit, and frankly, it's not her job - it's YOUR home and your place to tell this girl. Be explicit (please make bed in the morning, help clear up the kitchen after meals, change sheets, clean bathroom once a week - whatever). Yes, I know, she's (kind of) and adult and shouldn't need telling, but maybe she does need telling. Which is okay if it teaches her something and makes it easier for you to host her.

To be fair, only one friend in real life said it was unreasonable, and she is English. I'll ask my kiwi friends what they think at work tomorrow.

The dairy placement was 5am-8am, 11-1pm and then 3pm-5pm.

Such a lazy teenager! For shame she cant cook for a whole family without it taking hours.

You are right to charge her board.

She cleans up when asked. And.......?

I wouldn't do "no food" options, as she will either eat at your house and not pay or cook and make a mess.

I would say you expect a small contribution, make it small, but she's expected to keep her room clean, leave the bathroom and kitchen as she found it and be respectful and tidy.