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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stay at a friends house?

199 replies

Snowberry86 · 06/02/2016 16:47

This has caused a lot of tension between me and DH but I just don't see the problem with it so please tell me AIBU?

I have a female friend at work whose house I go to one night a week for tea. Because we like to have a glass of wine (and watch a film in our pj's) I stay over and go straight to work the next day.

My DH has no issue with me going for tea, but doesn't like me staying over night and would rather I come home. I see no problem with it, we don't have children so have no commitment at home and I am always in the other 6 nights and have no hobbies.

We have agreed to disagree on it, I am still going every week but he is sulking about it every time.

So AIBU to stay out overnight every week?

OP posts:

ApocalypseNowt · 06/02/2016 19:56

I love sleepovers with my best mate! Doesn't happen as often now I've got dc.

I won't mention that we have, on occasion, been nap buddies too....

notenoughbottle · 06/02/2016 19:57

I think he is being U. You're child free atm and one night a week isn't asking a lot. It's probably nice for you're friend too as its so difficult to get out when you have kids! I'm a single parent and would love to have a friend stay once a week! I think he's being a bit precious.

HortonWho · 06/02/2016 20:09

OP did you want to try to see his side by posting or did you just want your view justified?

silversparrow · 06/02/2016 20:22

YANBU at all. I think it sounds fun to have a weekly sleepover with a friend! I used to have PJ/movie nights with my best friend before DS came along. Not weekly but often.

Maybe he's jealous of the fun you're having without him? Or wishes he had a best friend of his own?

You could compromise and do it fortnightly but why should you if it's something you enjoy?

If you stick to your guns he'll get used to it.

CottonFrock · 06/02/2016 20:30

This is the weirdest thread I think I've ever read on here. The OP is childfree and spending a night a week socialising with a friend and staying over at her house because she wants to have a few glasses of wine and not drive home, and the friend has children. They do not spend the evening sacrificing goats in Black Masses, or bedding random strangers, or injecting heroin into their eyeballs. They watch films in their pyjamas.

Are people actually suggesting that the donning of night clothes and the fact that the OP spends the night in the friend's spare room or on the sofa is in fact indicative of a torrid sapphic affair, which the OP's husband rightly suspects because of his masculine wiles?????

Or are they actually suggesting that she give up this innocuous weekly pastime on the sole grounds that her DP, on no rational grounds, simply wants his little woman at home?

echt · 06/02/2016 20:51

Frankly bizarre responses by so many here, especially the ones who can't explain why they feel as they do.

If the DH cared that much about his wife, he's come and pick her up, but that would be inconvenient for him, so he wants to deny her bit of fun, the drink, so there's no justification for staying over.

He gets his evenings/ days out on precisely his terms, so why not the OP on hers.

echt · 06/02/2016 20:53

OP, the PJs seem to be what inflames the imaginations of so many. Possibly you should have included in the title of your thread.:o

Madamedepompom · 06/02/2016 21:01

It's a slippery slope. Sitting on the sofa in your PJ's sharing a bottle of merlot today, running away together to Dorset to set up a lesbian commune tomorrow.

CottonFrock · 06/02/2016 21:12

That's true, Madame. Every lesbian commune started off with a woman recklessly wearing pyjamas in the presence of another woman, the hussies.

Madamedepompom · 06/02/2016 21:17

Personally I don't even take my coat off when in a friend's home. I mean why take the risk?

ImperialBlether · 06/02/2016 21:21

Is this where the OP drip feeds that she and her friend sleep in the same bed, naked?

harshbuttrue1980 · 06/02/2016 21:46

He's being unreasonable. People shouldn't have to give up their lives and interests because they have a partner, especially when there are no children. Its not as if you're going clubbing (nothing wrong with that if you were though!). If he's insecure and controlling about you having a film night with a female friend, then he's the weird one. Especially since he goes out until 11 every week!

RhodaBull · 07/02/2016 16:34

Dh often kips over at his friend's, as does his friend here. But - a regular weekly date with them in their pjs watching a film... I'd be surprised if it was Brokeback Mountain - more a case of Morecambe & Wise.

GernotMinke · 07/02/2016 16:40

Why do people think its weird to spend one evening a week relaxing with a friend; but TOTALLY NORMAL to spend every night of the week, relaxing with a partner

BuggersMuddle · 07/02/2016 18:42

TBH I think weekly is a bit odd for a sleepover with one mate. I'm not sure how I would feel if DP was doing that - vaguely threatened perhaps, but I can't really articulate why. It's not a lack of trust, or not wanting DP to go out, but as much as I like a good starfish, I would feel bloody odd lying alone in bed knowing DP was curled up in PJs necking wine with anyone on a weekly basis - would feel a bit bromance?

Of course we've gone through periods of time travelling loads for work, so going to sleep (and I do mean sleep) and waking up together was important to both of us.

OTOH I would have zero problem with him crashing elsewhere after a night out & vice versa, although in practice that's not usually a consideration for us as we live within a £15 taxi of the city centre and on the night bus route. Both of us tend to prefer our own bed (Having said that, we have a £££ bed, mattress and goose down topper / duvet - comfort in sleep is important around here )

BuggersMuddle · 07/02/2016 18:44

I guess I didn't answer your question actually OP. For me, for the reasons I outlined above (liking own bed, travel, both liking comfort, location) I would find it pretty odd.

Your situation also sounds a bit odd tbh, but I can see why if it's you're only night out you might do it. It does sound a bit like it's down to your DF's DC though. Could she not come to you occasionally, or have a night out with the DC with a sitter / DP?

nutellacrumpet · 07/02/2016 19:46

I think would maybe be a bit unfair if you had kids and he was holding the fort every week... but you are child free. Sounds like a lovely set-up. My best mate and I used to do something similar before I had 2 children.

Natkingcole9 · 07/02/2016 19:50

Hate to sound like a softie but my DP and I would miss each other too much to do that selectively. But to each their own. However if your partner doesn't like you doing it why keep doing it so much, as weekly is very frequent? Im sure this isn't the case but it looks like you have no regard for his feelings.

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/02/2016 20:05

yanbu - you are having a night with a friend where you can have a natter/glass of wine/company for her as dh away and she has kids so cant stay at yours easily on a work/school night, plus you are nearer to work so have a 30mn lie in next day

its good to have time apart from your partner

tell dp to stop being silly

Original poster

Snowberry86 · 07/02/2016 20:06

I do have regards for his feelings, I just don't see why I should give up something I enjoy because he doesn't like it, when he can't give a valid reason why he doesn't like it.

I enjoy having space and the freedom to fit my own agenda. Just because we are married doesn't mean we have to be joined at the hip and I find I like having time away from him.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/02/2016 20:06

ps im away usually 3/4 nights a week as work nights

df and i miss each other but its work

RudeElf · 07/02/2016 20:07

Of course we've gone through periods of time travelling loads for work

On first read i thought you said you went time travelling!

teacher54321 · 07/02/2016 20:23

I love sleepovers with my best friend (aged 35) but they probably happen once every six months.

I think another PP hit the nail on the head with it's the intensity of it, weekly sleepovers with your best mate seem quite teenage to me.

I have also known someone who had a two year lesbian affair under her DP's nose and hid it in plain sight as the other girl was her 'best friend'. He paid for them to go on holiday together as he had no idea...

Original poster

Snowberry86 · 07/02/2016 20:58

I don't care if it is "teenage ish". Why does that matter if I enjoy it?

I did ballet as a teenager and have recently started doing that again... Is that teenage ish to?

Why are activities age specific?

OP posts:

CottonFrock · 07/02/2016 22:38

This thread gets weirder and weirder. The one night a week where the OP sleeps over at her friends' place is inappropriately 'intense', 'teenage', probably lesbian, and completely incomprehensible to some posters who will only sleep in their own beds or who would miss their husbands too much?

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